Narcissus Narcosis
by Yoshiyuki Ly
Summary: All these fragments of memories, keeping locked away who we are, how we think, and what we need. If you looked into them—into me—and saw all of my sick truths, would you still be there for me? : Lightning/Fang, post-game AU. Discontinued.
1. I: Libra

**Note**. This is a re-write of the Lightning Returns story I had up last year. I know what I'm doing this time around. I've planned out a lot for this story in mind and spirit. Expect it to be on the longer side unless I say otherwise down the line. If you've an open mind, or you want to have one, this is a good place to be.  
**Warnings**. Everything! Well, mostly everything. No spoilers.  
**Disclaimer**. I don't own any rights to the games in the Fabula Nova Chrystallis trilogy.

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_All these fragments of memories, keeping locked away who we are, how we think, and what we need. If you looked into them—into me—and saw all of my sick truths, would you still be there for me?_

_**I. **Libra – The Scales, of Juxtaposition_

_Sanct of Theogenesis_

Bhunivelze's reign ended by my blade. He shouted in rage as his body disintegrated. Chaos lanced all around me, trapping me, confusing me. Through the gusts of wind, Bhunivelze's maniacal laughter echoed in my head. I shut my eyes, struggling to keep my footing on the ground. Etro's blessing had stayed with me through the long centuries. Her protection kept me from the chaos' influence. God knew he couldn't get through like this. Instead, he hissed at me as he perished, taunting me, like he _wanted _me to kill him.

"_Why do you fight, knowing loss is inevitable? Why do you yearn to live, knowing all things must die?"_

"Bhunivelze!" I shouted. "Stop this! You're supposed to be dead!"

"_You must tell me, Savior. Why does your soul yearn for the impossible? Humans destroy one another in search of the unattainable. Hearts, hopes, dreams—all broken in the name of lofty aspirations. I watched you break your own spirit as a child in order to become untouchable. Why?"_

During my mission, I had become so far-removed from things like that… As I thought his words over, I felt my divinity and my control over Eradia leave me. My humanity came back to me in their place. I was no longer God's Chosen One. My heart swelled, rose and fell, stricken over his questions. I still felt Etro's blessing within me. She'd given it to me before I was the Savior. No one could take that away from me.

"Because…we hope. We hope that we will find our dreams somewhere. With enough will, with enough perseverance…if we try, we can succeed. Some day. That's all the motivation we need."

The chaos disappeared just as quickly as it arrived, taking Bhunivelze with it, leaving a dead silence in its wake. Weight of worlds and souls on my shoulders acted as my gravity to stand again before God's glittering throne amid the cosmos. Winding path of golden murals behind me held those child-like faces, reminding me of Orphan. The new world that God had created shined far in the distance. I watched as all of the souls I had saved made their way to their new home. Before me, I saw the decorated light of God's throne, designed and detailed as art divine, remained empty. Hope's silhouette had vanished—along with Bhunivelze himself.

The battle was over. I had killed God Himself and lived. But I knew that there was much more to come. Especially after what just happened. He had been the God of Light. It should have been _that_ pouring out of his body—light, not chaos.

Something wasn't right.

Up above, I saw another gathering of chaos. Some went in the direction of the new world. The rest poured down in front of me. Ink black bubbled as a vortex on the ground. A demonic figure came up from the chaos. I grabbed the hilt of my _Masamune, _prepared to strike. I stopped when the demon transformed into someone I recognized.

"Lumina?! What the hell? Are you a demon?"

Lumina twirled in place. "Silly," she teased. "_Demons _are for kids and scary campfire stories. I'm way more than that." She hummed a happy tune, her eyes glinting. Out of habit, I fought back a chill over Lumina's resemblance to my sister. Or, rather, to me. "Serah and all of your friends are making their way to the new world. Well—_most _of them are. There's one who can't find her way through all the chaos!"

I gripped my hilt tighter, anxious. "She's stuck in the chaos?" I asked. "Where exactly? Who is it?"

"Yeul is the new goddess of death," Lumina went on. "The place where she and Caius are—that's where your friend is." She held her hand out to me. "We don't have much time. If you want to help her, we have to go now. Oh! By the way… Caius made me promise: if you don't go about it the right way, I _have _to send you home. No exceptions!"

"Fine! Just take me to her now!"

Lumina teleported with me to a dark city in the cosmos. The tall buildings around us sagged with decay. Chaos hovered along the cobblestone ground like mist. Ghostly silhouettes walked right through me. They weren't the souls of the dead I'd saved from the Soulsong. These people had all been dead long before I had become a l'Cie. In the far distance, I heard someone's tortured cries. It sounded like…

"Fang!" I yelled, running in her direction. Lumina cut me off. "Get out of my way!" I side-stepped her. She appeared in front of me again, frowning in worry. "What are you doing?! Don't you hear her? She's in danger! You brought me here to save her, didn't you?"

"Oh, Lightning," she said, sighing. "If you'd _listen _first instead of running off, maybe you'd understand."

I kept trying to move past her. She wouldn't let me. "What is there to talk about?!" I bit back. "My friend is hurting and I want it to stop! If you don't get the hell out of my way, I'll—"

Lumina scoffed. "You'll what?" she mocked. "Kill me? If anything happens to me, you'll lose Etro's blessing. How do you think I exist? Sure, I may be a _demon, _but I'm a vessel for your powers, too. You need to listen to me before you take another step, otherwise you'll regret it."

Fang's screaming grew louder. I couldn't stand here and _talk _with her in that kind of pain. I didn't want to think about what exactly Lumina was, or why. None of that mattered.

"I don't have time to listen to a damn demon! I have to save her now!"

I ran ahead at full speed. Lumina didn't bother following me. Through alleyways and winding roads, I found Fang in the middle of an open courtyard. She had fallen to her knees, clutching at her head. Two wells poured out from her, arcing in the air in different directions: one of crystal, one of chaos. By the time I reached her, everything around me stopped. Fang froze in place, jaw clenched and fingers digging into her scalp. I knelt down to hold her in my arms. Something on her arm singed me, making me recoil.

Fang's tattoo over her shoulder burned black. The ink melted off from her skin, floating up and into the fountain of chaos. Lumina appeared next to me. She put her hands over her hips and shook her head.

"Lightning, what did I tell you?" she admonished. "You should have stopped to listen! Now look at what you did!"

I stared at the raw skin over Fang's arm. "What…?" I whispered. "She's not in pain anymore. She's safe. I can figure out some way to get time moving again. What are you talking about?"

Lumina sighed. "Remember how you called me a demon?" she asked, pointing to herself.

"As if I could forget."

"I'm the incarnation of every part of you that you hate. I was actually _unique. _Now you've created someone like me for your friend! That means I have to share spaces with some other thing! If you'd gone about this the right way, this wouldn't have happened."

"The _right way_?" I raged, glaring at her. "Fang was in trouble! She probably still is! How was there a right way to save her?"

Lumina rolled her eyes at me. "You're hopeless," she muttered. "You weren't listening to me at all! Once I said one of your friend was in danger, you rushed off without thinking! That isn't like you. Is there something special about _her _that made you drop your common sense back there?" I held back my retorts. She was right. I hadn't stopped to think or listen. If I had, then maybe… "Look, I get that she's your closest friend. But you didn't hold up your end of the deal! Caius' orders—I'm sending you home."

"Wait!" I tried, holding Fang again. "I'm not leaving without her. Vanille will be devastated if I do."

"That's too bad. You should have listened to me."

"Lumina, _please_… She's my best friend. Don't do this to her."

Lumina giggled. "Oh, don't be so dramatic!" she said. A dark vortex surrounded me, waiting for Lumina's permission to pull me in. "It's only temporary. Fang will be right here when you come back. For now, you're gonna _think _about all the ways you misbehaved. _Then, _once I think you've learned your lesson, I'll tell you how to get back here—the right way!"

.

_Chrysalis – The New World_

Bodhum, the same seaside town I grew up in—it embraced me as my new surroundings, filling me with nostalgia. I appeared in the town square during a summer afternoon. Hundreds of other people were outside, celebrating their successful arrival to the new world. I listened to their conversations. Some talked about the clean slates they would have with the economy and the government. Others were happy that their homes had been here waiting for them throughout the centuries. None of them seemed to recognize me. I guessed it had something to do with me not being the Savior anymore. A few mentioned how uncertain they were about the merging of worlds. After all this _time, _they hadn't gotten over their fears of the _underworld _that the Sanctum had drilled into their heads.

Chrysalis was essentially Cocoon, Nova Chrysalia and Gran Pulse merged together. Familiar locations; familiar places for everyone to come home to. I wondered how long I was really gone for if they knew all of that already. If everyone had returned to their original homes before the Purge, then that meant Serah and Snow had to be here. Vanille, Sazh and Hope might have been in town too, since this was where we had all been during the Purge.

Even knowing we had our peace here, I couldn't be happy. Fang was still out there somewhere. The sounds of her screams echoed madly in my head. I wandered away from the crowd, toward the docks along the sea. I breathed in the salty, humid air—it was the same as I remembered it. It didn't fill me with nostalgia like it should have. All I could think about was Fang, and if she was still in pain or not.

That wasn't good enough. I had to go back and bring her home. I thought about Lumina, hoping she'd show mercy and find me earlier. I waited around through to sunset, still hoping, praying. I thought back to all the times when I wished I could show this place to Fang someday. Back when we were l'Cie, we'd talk about what-ifs like this. It had given me hope that we could have a normal life with our friends once everything was over.

I didn't want Vanille to be upset when I told her what happened. I couldn't be happy to see the others in one piece without _everyone _there. Then again, they at least deserved to know I'd made it back. If they weren't at my house, then they were at Snow's apartment. I figured I'd try his place first. As I tried to remember the way there, I heard someone in high heels coming up behind me.

"Sergeant Farron," said a female voice. "I thought I might find you here. Hiding from the festivities, are we? Lieutenant Amodar's reports on you were accurate, I see."

I turned around. Her too-long, dirty blonde hair, glasses and military uniform looked familiar. "Jihl Nabaat…? Weren't you Lieutenant-Colonel in PSICOM? Serving directly under Barthandelus himself."

Jihl let out a brisk sigh. "Primarch Dysley had us all fooled," she replied. "I take full responsibility for my poor judgment. A man of such power and influence—it should have been obvious that he was a fal'Cie disguised as a human. Had I known his true plans of sacrificing Cocoon's _entire population _all for some fairy tale Maker, I would have stepped aside and let you kill him on my watch."

"Is he here, too?" I asked, standing up. "Barthandelus, I mean. If you're alive again, he might be."

"Fortunately, no," answered Jihl, adjusting her glasses. "Only humans and l'Cie who perished during and after the Purge have found their way to Chrysalis. Many of them are lost after spending so long in Valhalla and the realms beyond. The people need guidance and order. That is why I found you."

"What do you want _me _for? I'm not the Savior anymore. I don't have the powers that Bhunivelze gave me. He's dead."

Jihl waved her hand. "Details," she said. "You are still the Savior in _name_. That is arguably more important than any divine powers you had before. The people respect you for what you've done in Nova Chrysalia. We already have problems with the faithful from Luxerion's Cathedral not knowing where to turn without their God. They are under PSICOM's care for the time being. Cocoon's people will feel safer knowing you're in a position of authority."

"I'm not a leader and I don't want to be one. The answer's no."

"All the more reason why you should be," argued Jihl with a smile.

I bowed, hoping if I appeased her a little, she'd get the picture. "Lieutenant-Colonel, with all due respect—"

"Please drop the formalities, Farron. We both know 'with all due respect' is meant to deflect some underlying dissent. I understand your hesitations. With that said, I'm not here to offer you the position of Chrysalis' sole dictator. Both PSICOM and the Guardian Corps have agreed to rule together as a stratocracy, at least in Cocoon's regions. We need direction in order to move forward. Who better than to offer her counsel than the one who saved us all?"

"You're saying you want _my_ advice on how to govern hundreds of millions of people?"

"That is precisely what I want," replied Jihl. I gaped at her. She couldn't have been serious. "You may think yourself underqualified, but think of your history. For centuries, you fought against all odds in hopes of seeing a better world. You must have spent some time thinking about how that world might be. I'm merely here to help make those dreams a reality."

She wasn't going to let this go. If it wasn't her, then it would be some other military officer or religious figure. "What exactly are you proposing?" I asked.

"It's simple," she said. "I keep you abreast of the state's developments with formal reports. You tell me if there is anything you think needs to be added or changed. If you ever wish to have more of a direct role in the decision-making process, that position will be open for discussion. There may be a few other obligations such as placating politicians and attending sanctioned events. I'm sure your natural charm will win over any legislators who may be giving us a difficult time."

"Right," I deadpanned. "I'll think about it. I have some other things I need to take care of first."

Jihl smiled. "Of course," she answered. "Try not to take _too _long. I'll be at PSICOM's headquarters downtown when you're ready." Just as she was about to leave, she stopped to add: "Oh, and I do hope that you and I can set our past differences aside. You understand that I had a job to carry out. Looking back on things now, my efforts were certainly less than…human."

"I understand," I said, surprised by her almost-apology. "I can't say what I would have done in your position. It isn't my place to judge you. That's all in the past now."

"I'm glad that we can see eye-to-eye," she replied, bowing a little. "I await your favorable reply."

I watched her leave. Jihl seemed like she really wanted what was best for the people. Sazh might have been less understanding about it after what happened with Dajh all those years ago.

.

Snow's bachelor pad wasn't too far from Seventh Heaven, NORA's bar along the beach. It was night already by the time I got to the area on foot. I heard Gadot's roaring laughter from pretty far down the pier. They must have all been at the bar together. I wavered as I stared at the small building in the distance. Warm lights coming from inside lit up the bar with a dusk-like glow. Most people were outside drinking, laughing and having a good time. I looked down at my Equilibrium outfit. I still looked like the Savior, even if I didn't feel like one anymore. I wondered how I'd be able to fit in as a normal person after everything—if that was even possible.

Then I saw Serah walking out the bar. She moved slowly with her head down as Snow talked to her. I smiled as I made my way over to her. All the care and protectiveness I had for her came flooding back. Bhunivelze had taken them away to make me his puppet before. I wasn't going to let anyone or anything do that to me again.

Lebreau was the first to notice me. She was about to shout an announcement until I gestured for her to be quiet. I wanted to surprise my sister. Thankfully, Lebreau got the hint and had everyone else stay calm. I got close enough to listen to Snow and Serah's conversation.

"C'mon, babe, don't be like that," said Snow, frowning. "You know Lightning will be back when she can. I'm sure she's out there looking for Fang. They'll come back together—you'll see."

Serah sniffled. "You don't know that," she countered. "Something could have happened to her. Bhunivelze made her the new goddess of death, or forced her to stay in the chaos all by herself, or, or _something_! I can't stop thinking about it. I just want to go to her. I don't want to party and drink when my sister could be trapped all alone!"

Snow saw me. He grinned from ear to ear. "I don't know…your sister _is _pretty resourceful," he tried again. "She works miracles. I bet you anything she'll be here before you know it."

"Anything?" asked Serah, wistful.

"I bet all the hair on my head that she's right behind you."

Serah stifled a laugh. "Fine, but you're gonna have to live with being bald if you're wrong…" When she turned around, she stared at me in disbelief. Snow's laughter helped her realize this was real. "Claire…? Is that really you?"

I held her tightly. "Hey," I said. "It's me. You don't have to worry anymore. It's all over now…" _Mostly. _

Lumina appeared behind her. "Mostly!" she echoed. Serah jumped in fright. "Yeah, right. Go on, Lightning—tell her how you rushed off and made all the wrong decisions. Now Fang's wilting away from the chaos overflowing her mind and spirit, _all alone and in pain_…"

Snow stepped in front of her. "Who the hell are you?!" he demanded. "And where did you come from? I didn't see anyone standing there just a second ago!" He stopped to stare at her. "Wait a minute…you look a lot like Serah did when she was younger. Maybe even Lightning. What's up with that?"

"She's my demon," I explained.

All the color drained from Snow's face. "Your demon…?" he asked. "So is she like, evil?"

"Depends on how you look at her…"

Vanille rushed outside. "Lumina?" she said. "Oh! Lightning, you're here! Thank goodness—it's been ages! We were so worried about you. Where's Fang? Is she with you?"

Lumina stomped her foot. "How many times do I have to tell you?!" she argued. "I'm not a demon! Maybe to _you _I am. We all know that I'm way more complicated than that. You should learn to open your eyes a little. You know—expand your horizons?"

I ignored Lumina's tantrum. "Vanille," I started. She looked up at me, full of hope. "Fang… She's someplace I can't reach. Stuck in the chaos. I don't know where exactly because _Lumina _won't tell me." Lumina glared hotly at me. Vanille's eyes welled up with tears. "Hey, don't cry. I'm going to find her. Just as soon as _someone _tells me how to do it, I'll go right away."

"If you're good tonight, I'll tell you in your dreams."

"Are you serious?" I asked.

Lumina smiled sweetly. "Would I lie to you?" she asked back.

Vanille jumped between us. "Hey, I'm going too!" she insisted. "If Fang needs help, I want to be there!"

Lumina clapped her hands. "Oh, perfect!" she said. "You can go with her instead of me! There was this thing…ohh, something about needing _two people _to help your friend the _right way. _Caius gave me alllll the details. Too bad you don't know more."

"Will you stop being such a brat?" I said. "I made a bad decision. I should have listened to you—fine! You know Fang is in danger, and you're going to keep dangling it in front of my face?!"

"Geez, she really _is _a demon," muttered Snow under his breath.

Lumina pointed to my sister. "Ask her where your other friend is," she said. "The fuzzy one."

Serah stared at her. "You mean Mog?" she asked. "He's at his village just outside town with his clan. They said something about growing kupo nuts and selling them to the other moogles here in Bodhum."

"Good," said Lumina. "I'll put things into place with his village. In the meantime, Lightning, _sweetie, _you have to go to sleep! The explanation is something I can show you better in a dream. Besides, you've had a long thirteen days. Or was it fifteen? Who cares—you need your rest first!"

"How am I supposed to sleep? I can't stop worrying about Fang."

Lumina smirked, disappearing into the pool of chaos at her feet. "You'll think of something."

Snow shivered. "I'd better check the bar," he said as he walked off. "Gotta make sure there aren't any secret chaos portals lying around. That girl _really _is something else…"

Serah kept her eyes to where the chaos had been. "You should go home," she suggested to me. Then she smiled at Vanille. "If Lumina tells my sister something tonight, you should go with her. I'm guessing you'll want to leave in the middle of the night after her dream. You can sleep in my room. I'll stay here with the others for another night."

"That's so kind of you," replied Vanille. "You're sure? I've never been to your home before."

"Don't worry about it," said Serah. "You're our friend, Vanille. You can stay at our place any time. I'll get you both some seafood from the kitchen to have for dinner." She sighed sadly as she looked at me. "I wish we could have had a longer reunion... But I know how important this is. We have a lot to talk about when you get back. It's only been three weeks. So much has happened already. Promise we'll talk as soon as you bring Fang home?"

"It'll be the first thing I do," I said. "That's a promise."

As I made my way to my house with Vanille, she got me caught up on a few things. Sazh and Hope were both downtown, getting settled into their new jobs. Noel and Yeul had gone to Luxerion to see what they could do about the religious fanatics. They didn't have their God anymore, thanks to me. Some of them were bound to resent me for it. When Jihl had told me that the faithful were under PSICOM's care, she'd meant to say that they had to suppress all the rebellions going on. I wished she had actually said the words instead of leaving me to find out from someone else. At least I knew she wasn't kidding when she'd said the people needed order.

"So it isn't a good idea for me to go to Luxerion," I guessed.

Vanille shook her head. "It would be a very bad idea," she answered. "The people in Bodhum don't recognize you because most of them weren't in Nova Chrysalia. It's been so long since any of them have seen you. Most people here died during the Purge. You could say that event was Bhunivelze's cut-off point in deciding who would be brought back to life for this new world. Not only in Bodhum, but everywhere else, too. Their souls gathered with the ones of those under my care when I was at the Cathedral. I'm sure if you go to Yusnaan, or the growing civilizations in the Dead Dunes, nearly everyone will remember you from before. Cocoon's lands and Nova Chrysalia's are on the same continent."

"What about Gran Pulse?" I asked. "Have you been back there?"

"No," she said, somber. "It's an entire ocean away. Only the military's able to go there for now. They're searching the area to decide if it's suitable for habitat. I could have told them myself that it isn't…"

"That reminds me," I said. "Jihl Nabaat found me earlier. She asked me if I wanted to be some kind of leader for the world. I told her I'd think about it. I'm not really cut out for that kind of thing. I work better when I have orders to follow."

"It sounds important! You should definitely give it some thought. Who knows? You might enjoy it."

"Maybe…"

Once we got to my house, I pulled out my key from along my necklace. I'd managed to keep it in-tact after all this time. I let Vanille in first and turned the lights on. She looked around in awe, mentioning how clean and bright everything was. I sighed in relief as I locked the door behind me. There'd been a time when I'd nearly given up hope on finding my way back here. Breathing in the fresh smell of the cobalt surfaces and the traces of my gunblade polish—it made me all the more determined to save Fang, the _right way. _

"Lightning," said Vanille, standing in front of a wall. "You don't have any decorations! The lights and wide windows seem to take up all the space in your home. When we come back, we should at least find some nice incense for you to light in the rooms."

"We can if you want," I allowed. "Let's go to the living room and eat. I want to sleep soon."

.

I tossed and turned in the dark as I lay in bed. I kept replaying my _mistake _over and over again in my head. Lumina was right—it wasn't like me to rush off without thinking. Her suggestion bothered me even more. She thought there was something special about Fang that had made me forget myself. She must have been right about that too, at least a little. I couldn't stop thinking about Fang, about the time we'd spent on our journey as l'Cie, and everything we'd talked about back then. When I was Etro's Warrior Goddess, I knew that I wasn't only fighting for Etro's sake, or even Serah's. There had been times when I clashed blades with Caius, thinking of Fang and if she'd been watching over me.

Every time I turned around, I felt the ache in my chest dig deeper and deeper. I reached over to the pictures on my nightstand. Vanille had given these to me earlier. I barely remember Sazh had a camera that he used on occasion, mostly on Gran Pulse. He'd taken a few of Fang and me sitting together, talking. I could tell what the conversations had been about from the looks on our faces. In this one, when we sat along a few rocks in the Mah'habara caves, Fang had asked me what I thought about astrology. I'd told her that it was a bunch of nonsense. Then she'd explained how simple astrology was in Oerba compared to all the conspiracy theories on Cocoon.

"_You know all that shit you lot came up with about peoples' personalities? None of that where I come from. See, it's based on the order of your sign, and where you fit in the sphere of life. Then there's your spirit animal that's supposed to watch over you during your hunts. Funny that you're a Libra—they don't have an actual animal. Back in my village, the Libras died the most in the wild without a hunting partner. They're the only ones that go at it alone. You're lucky I've got your back."_

"Except I didn't have yours when it mattered most. Now I'm stuck waiting for a _dream _to tell me how to save you. Some best friend I am…"

Guilt washed over me, enough to weaken me to exhaustion. I fell asleep with Fang on my mind. I couldn't fail her again. If I did, I wouldn't know what I'd do with myself.

_Lumina came to me in my dream, as promised. She had me sit in a chair in the middle of a white room. The padded walls made me think of solitary confinement in an asylum. She folded her arms and watched me for a few moments. Even through my dreams, I was emotionally drained. I could barely breathe. My chest ached again. She knew it, too. I didn't have to say the words. _

"_I think it's better that you'll have Vanille with you," she started. "The original plan was for me to help you. I don't know Fang well enough. I could have messed something up. Vanille won't. That only leaves your end. It's going to be tricky to pull it off."_

"_Pull what off?" I asked. "You're not making any sense."_

_Lumina made two fountains pour from each of her hands. "You remember these pouring out of her?"_

"_The crystal and the chaos," I said. _

"_They were physical manifestations of her two halves—Fang's mind and spirit. Try to guess which one was which. If you get it right, maybe I'll let you wake up sooner."_

_I frowned at her. "This isn't the time for games," I insisted. "Are you saying Vanille and I have to find our way through to Fang's mind and spirit to stop them from spilling out? That must be what's causing her so much pain. How did it start in the first place?"_

"_That's more or less what you have to do," said Lumina. "Your friend has a lot of chaos in her heart. So much—it stopped her from reaching Chrysalis, taking her to the underworld instead. That city is for all the people who died before Bodhum's Purge. She's still alive. She's not supposed to be there. Anyone else would have broken in the first second."_

"_How are we supposed to get back there? Can you teleport us?"_

_Lumina hummed in thought. "Your moogle friend will take care of that," she answered. "Kind of. You'll see. Go to his village and you'll understand what I mean."_

"_And what about that—thing? You know, from her tattoo. You were mad at me about it."_

"_Oh, _that,_" said Lumina, sour. "Fang couldn't exactly say much in the moment. She made that so-called demon because it was the only way she could tell you to stay away." She stretched out the fountain of chaos, shaping it into human form, almost like clay. "It's just a bunch of darkness for now, but some day, it will turn into every part of her that she hates." She disintegrated the chaos. "Sound familiar?"_

"_Yeah, I get it… What I don't get is why she wanted me to stay away from her."_

"_Isn't it obvious? She doesn't want your help."_

"_What?" I asked. "Why wouldn't she? Next to Vanille, I'm the one who knows her better than anyone."_

_Lumina giggled. "You can keep telling yourself that," she riddled. "Anyway, your next stop is the Moogle Village outside town. Chief Mog needs your help." She snapped her fingers. "It's time to wake up now."_

.

I hurried to Mog's village with Vanille in the middle of the night. Once we got there, I smelled smoke and soot as we made our way through the trees. Panicked moogles floated through the forest, trying to find their friends. Vanille squealed in delight as soon as she saw the first group. That made all of the moogles stop and come over to us instead.

"Lightning!" one of them said. "We're so glad you're here, kupo! A giant rock fell in our village! Our chief needs you! Can we take you to him?"

"Yeah, we were just on our way to see him," I replied. Vanille looked like she was about to burst from all the moogles hovering around us. "Vanille…?"

Vanille hugged one of the moogles crying for his friend. "Yes, I'm here!" she answered. "Lead the way!"

"You know you're gonna have to leave them behind eventually…"

"Not for too long!" said Vanille. "They need cheering up… And they're so adorable! Oh, if Fang were here, I'd want to stay and help them all. I'll just have to come back, won't I?"

We continued ahead, finding more moogles along the way. They all came with us to the village in the center of the forest. When we got there, we found Mog and his advisors staring at the smoking meteorite. Mog flew over to us first.

"Vanille, Lightning!" he cried, hiding behind me. "It came out of nowhere, kupo! There's a bunch of chaos underneath. I wanted to figure things out before I found you, kupo."

"You didn't touch it, did you?" I asked.

"No, kupo. It's too scary! Everyone ran away and now some of our friends are missing."

Vanille skipped over to the meteorite. "If there's chaos underneath…" She used a spell to push it over. "Lightning! There's a vortex of chaos here! It's just like the one Lumina used earlier. This should take us to wherever Fang is."

"Yeah, but will there be a way back from the other side? That's what I'm more worried about."

"If there isn't, we can find Caius and Yeul," said Vanille. "Don't forget that Yeul is the goddess of death now. If anyone knows how to navigate the chaos, it will be her. They should know a way to help us. I don't think they're the enemy anymore."

"You're right," I agreed. "Mog, you and your friends need to leave the village. I don't want anyone accidentally using the vortex. Find your friends and go to Bodhum. Serah can take care of you for a while until we come back. We can find some way to get rid of this."

"Okay, kupo! Good luck!"

Mog and his friends all left together. I moved closer to the vortex where Vanille was. Haunted groans of the dead echoed through the chaos. Through the black, I saw a swirling reflection of that city where Fang was. This had to be it. Vanille linked her arm with mine, and together we jumped through. We had to believe that this was the way.


	2. Elysium

_**II.**__ Elysium – The Sleeping City of the Dead_

Through the vortex, Vanille and I made our way back to the city of chaos in the cosmos. I didn't recognize this street we were on. The buildings were taller here than the place where Lumina had taken me to. They steadily disintegrated at the very top, almost like gunpowder spiraling through the overcast skies. I looked around, hoping to remember how to get back to the courtyard where Fang was, but nothing looked familiar to me. Silhouettes of the dead hovered up and down the road, most turning to look at us. I noticed a glittering temple spire not too far away. The energy it resonated felt like Etro's. That must have been where Yeul and Caius were.

"We should head that way," I said, pointing to the temple. Vanille leaned on me, like she was tired all of a sudden. "Yeul and Caius should be able to tell us where Fang is… What's the matter with you?" She clutched her head and fell to the ground, screaming in pain. "Vanille! Damnit, it's the chaos!" I knelt down to hold her. "Here, this should help." I siphoned some of Etro's blessing to Vanille by crystal light, enough to calm her down.

Vanille groaned, rubbing her head. "How awful," she muttered. "We have to get Fang out of here…"

"Can you walk?" I asked. She could barely shake her head no. I picked her up. "Come on. The temple is just over there."

"I don't want to be a burden…"

"You're not," I said, smiling. "It's my fault for not doing this before we left. Your strength will come back to you soon enough. Let's hope they'll have some answers for us."

At the temple, two suits of spiked black armor stood watch in front of the entrance. Caius opened the double doors. He made the armored statues step out of our way. He gestured for me to enter with Vanille. On the inside, the stone walls, wide open spaces and high ceilings reminded me of the Temple of the Goddess from Valhalla and the Wildlands. It wasn't exactly the same. Yeul as the Seeress over the centuries had portals along the walls: snapshots from other distant places in time, all in chronological order. Vanille watched as we passed by a vortex leading to Oerba during the War of Transgression, around the time when she and Fang had first become l'Cie.

Yeul as the new goddess of death had other mementos along the ceilings: unaspected crystals spiking from the surfaces, holding what little remained of Etro's powers.

"Fragments of memories," said Caius, leading us to Yeul's throne. "They once belonged to Etro. Each of them hold records of our battles in Valhalla, all leading up to the moment of her death. They serve as epitaphs of her legacy."

"Did Etro make them herself?" I asked. "If that was the case, she must have known I'd fail…"

"She did not," replied Caius. "Yeul has been blessed with the power of the crystals. These were her doing. She will aid you in your search for your friend."

Yeul smiled as we approached. "How good to see you again," she greeted.

"Have we met before?" I wondered. "There are so many versions of you… It's hard to tell the difference."

"We met once in the Wildlands," she answered. "I was the one who guided you through the Temple of the Goddess there. You were understandably confused by my many contradictions."

"Right, I remember," I said. "Since you're the goddess of death now, you have complete control over the chaos. Fang is here in this city somewhere. We're trying to save her. Is there anything you can do to help us?"

Yeul gestured to the vestibule nearby. "Your friend awaits beyond," she replied. "She suffers because Elysium is unkind to the living without Etro's blessing of crystal. You with even the purest of spirits have seen this firsthand." Her eyes lingered over Vanille in my arms. "In order to prolong Fang's safety in this realm, I have created another medium through which you can assist her. Venture forth and decide on how you will save her. The paths are many, but there is a _right way_. The bond of your shared friendships will see you through."

"Have you created a labyrinth of Fang's mind and spirit?" asked Vanille. "We have to decide which paths to take, based on how well we know her? And if we get it wrong…we risk losing her to the chaos?"

"That is correct," answered Yeul. "You'll have unlimited time. However, from the moment you enter, the more time that passes, the more Fang will grow unstable. Elysium's chaos will change her completely, making it more difficult for you to carry out your task. More difficult, but not impossible. Together you must choose which paths to take. I suggest stopping to discuss with one another just before you enter."

Vanille had me set her down. "I'm all better now!" she said. "Thank you, Lightning." She smiled at Yeul. "And thank you, too, for all you've done for Fang. We really appreciate it."

"Yeah, we do," I agreed. "We'll take care of the rest."

Caius opened the way to the vestibule. "You may proceed," he said. "I will guide you to the doors of your friend's subconscious. What you glean from there will help you decide on your approach."

We followed Caius through the doors. From there, the stone pathway led down to an endless set of porcelain doors. We had a full view of Fang's subconscious, transparent beyond the doors. Vanille gasped at the sight: crimson skies and black clouds, storming with lightning high above, and obfuscated by the mist of chaos farther down. Endless paths crisscrossed everywhere, leading to more doors and thicker storms. Smaller, skeletal versions of Bahamut flew through the skies in pairs, roaring loudly.

At the highest point we could see, twisting in the air, was a hologram of Fang's body. She lay face-up in the middle of the sky, her back arched and legs bent, arms outstretched downward at her sides. From how pained she was, it looked like she'd been frozen in place after being struck by lightning.

Vanille placed her hands over her mouth. "It looks almost…_demonic_," she spoke. "Is this normal?"

"No, it is not," said Caius. "Her body has undergone a great change since arriving in Elysium. The physical creation of her hatreds has also spurred this development." Lumina was right again—Fang really had created her own demon, just like mine. "Look closely into her subconscious before you proceed. Once you open a door, your friend's chaos will spill to Elysium's lands. While it will act as a cleansing force at first, Elysium's chaos will eventually begin to invade, further upsetting the present imbalance." He looked to me. "Mind the scales, and tread carefully. You may cause unforeseen damage if you do not."

"I understand that part," I said. "But what exactly are we _looking _for? Something to make her wake up? How will we know when we find it?"

Caius pointed to Fang's hologram up above. "Her position will change depending on your actions," he answered. "Once her apparition has fully assumed a fighting stance with her weapon, she will return to her physical form and find her way to the temple. I do not know your friend with certainty, thus I cannot tell you what to look for. Keep in mind that once inside, perception becomes reality. Anything you think of can grow into a tool. Use that to your advantage."

He returned to the temple, keeping the vestibule doors open behind him. Vanille walked further down the slope, staring up at the hologram of Fang's body. She stopped at the crossroads where the first paths split. From there, each door led to different memories and times. I saw the lush green paths of Vallis Media behind one door, the sandstorms of the Dead Dunes behind another, the winding streets and glass buildings of Palumpolum at dusk behind yet another—one after another, after another and another, all leading to so many places where Fang had been during her life.

"Vanille?" I asked. She turned and smiled at me. "How do you think we should do this? You know her best. I have no idea where to go from here."

Vanille hummed. "Well, let's think," she offered. "Caius and Yeul said that we have to choose the best paths, and that there is a right way. Lumina also said that this is a job for two people. That means we'll have to split up at some point. You'll have to go one place, and I'll go to another."

"Her mind and her spirit," I remembered. "There should be one path leading to each. From there, I'm guessing there will be something we need to fix. We won't know until we get there. We'll have an idea of how well we're doing if the hologram eventually shifts to Fang in her battle stance…with her weapon. Maybe we have to find her spear somewhere."

"That sounds simple, don't you think?"

"Yeah, too simple," I said. I walked closer to the door leading to the Oerba. "Each path leads to something that needs fixing. Every path has a door." Vanille tried opening the door. It refused to budge. "We need a key for every door. If we're going to find the one leading to her mind, and the other leading to her spirit, we need to think of what each key might be. Do you have any ideas?"

Vanille pointed to the skies. "See the stars?" she asked. "They're barely visible through the clouds. Can you tell which constellation is there?"

I narrowed my eyes, trying to get a better look. "Yeah, it's…Libra. That isn't Fang's sign. It's mine."

"Yes, but remember," added Vanille, "The _opposite_ constellation will be present in the sky when a person is born. Your opposite sign is Aries, the Behemoth. The behemoth is Fang's spirit animal. We need to find it for the key to her spirit's door! I know just the place to look."

"And her mind?" I asked. "What would be the key to unlocking that door?"

"Easy," said Vanille. "It's whatever makes Fang tick. There are lots of things, really… Let's pick one!"

I followed her to the door to the Dead Dunes. "Her secrets?" I guessed.

"Oh, that's a good one! Those shouldn't be too hard to find. They're all over the place here."

"But Vanille," I protested. "How are we supposed to use them as a key if we don't know what they are? They're called secrets for a reason…" I opened the door. I expected it to give me a hard time. It was like there hadn't been a lock at all. "That's odd. Why couldn't you open the other one?"

"I'm not sure… It's too late to stand around now that we've opened one. We have to keep moving!"

Fragmented frames of the Dead Dunes played out around us. Sands and winds from the storm blew past in sliced parts. Grainy, washed-out colors of the afternoon sky, and the literal sound in the winds of film tape caught in a reel made me think that Fang's memories were broken. If they weren't, then they must have been infected by all the chaos inside of her. Through our drained surroundings, I saw small, crystallized fragments of chaos glittering in the sun. I heard distant echoes of Fang's voice coming from most of them. Others had Vanille's voice. Some of them were mine. The rest were from our friends, or voices that I didn't recognize at all.

Vanille hopped up to catch the pixels of chaos like they were butterflies. When she caught me staring at her, she offered a fragment to me. I took it in my hands. I listened to Fang's voice—her memory, her secret—as Vanille and I made our way to the Monoculus' hideout up north.

I tried to stop the recording once I realized how _private _these thoughts were. It kept going anyway…

"_That motherfucking bitch! Cunt-ass, whore-ass, insecure, stupid ass slut! She throws me down to hell, then has the nerve to think she can get away with it?! Every karma fal'Cie on this planet is gonna make her rot for what she's done. Not in hell. No, I've already been there. It ain't good enough for her. She needs to live through this shit. I want her to know just how fucking basic she is. I want her to see it in the mirror every day. How she'll never know my strength of passion. How she'll never get to the heights I go to without even tryin'. How she'll always wander around, fucking lost, like a little girl without a clue about how the world works. _

"_I ain't vindictive enough to force the truth down her throat. I don't believe for one damn second she wanted me to fuck her throat at all. She said stupid shit like that to get me goin'. I told her straight up that I like my women direct and willin' to try __**almost**__ anything. I swear it's like she became everything she thought I wanted. She was that girl for maybe a month, then went back and forth between _that _person and the one who couldn't tell her tits from her head! 'Fang!' she'd say. 'I don't know who you are anymore. You're scaring me. I feel like I can't talk to you. Why can't you calm down? Why do you always have to have it your way?'_

"_And I'd say back, 'This wasn't a problem in the beginning, back when you thought you wanted a challenge! Now you wanna get all complacent all me. You want your fucking consistency like I'm some bitch made out of cardboard! I was all ready to give you my everything, then you pull the damn rug from under me, as if I wasn't gonna flip out over it?!' Pains of passion! Tearing, ripping, shredding, stomping, fucking heartbreak, breaking again and again, making me spiral so goddamn hard! I was the idiot for thinkin' she'd stop lyin' to me as long as I gave her my heart. I shouldn't do that anymore. The givin' my heart to other girls thing. It ain't never worked. Besides, I've got Vanille. I don't need relationships."_

Vanille giggled once she finished listening to her fragment. "Oh, Fang," she said, amused. "Every time you go quiet, your head is buzzing with thoughts! No matter how brash you are, you still know when you should say nothing. It used to make you difficult to read. I could never tell the difference before…but that was a long time ago." She noticed how confused I looked. "Hm? Lightning, what's wrong? You look like you've stumbled into someone's room while they're changing!"

"_Really, _Vanille?" I asked. She only smiled at me like she didn't understand. "These are Fang's private thoughts! How am I supposed to react to them?! You must have listened to something tame…"

"Mine was about what she thought of me when we first met. She found me endearing, though she didn't get how I was so happy all the time. As we got to know one another better, Fang made it her personal mission to protect my happiness! She said it was infectious and she never wanted it to wither away. Which thoughts of hers did you hear?"

"I don't know exactly," I replied. I did my best not to stammer. "It was about…a girl. Someone she was mad at. It sounded like…like Fang was in love with her until they went their separate ways."

Vanille tilted her head to one side. "Which one?" she asked. "There were quite a few up until she and I became l'Cie. Did she say a name? Was it Laina from her clan? She was the one who told Fang she enjoyed exhibitionism, even though she ended up running away once they were about to try it. Wait, was it Yvain from my clan? They were very close until Yvain admitted to having fetish for urinating… Fang pretended to have gotten lost on a hunt for two whole weeks before she went back home to break up with her. Oh no, it couldn't have been Eryal! She was the one who dragged Fang to a sacred mausoleum for one of their dates! They were about to _do it_ until the fal'Cie Dahaka blasted through the roof!"

I groaned. "Never mind. I don't want to hear any more about Fang's sexual adventures."

"But Lightning, this is important!" insisted Vanille. I rubbed my face, hoping I would stop blushing. "Her secrets are the key to unlocking her mind. If you don't know more about them, how will you help her? You have to give me more information, or else I can't tell you who she was angry with or why."

"I can't, Vanille," I answered. "It feels wrong. Unless Fang tells me herself, what right do I have to know? These are things she didn't tell me for a reason. I don't want to cross that line."

Vanille hummed in thought. "You are right about that," she said. "She didn't tell you for a reason…"

"And no matter how intriguing that is," I went on, "It's none of my business. I'll figure out another way."

"Okay, but…you should have this one," said Vanille, handing me another fragment. "It's nothing like the one you listened to. This one is made up of things that you could guess about her on your own…sort of. If you really took that kind of time, you could figure it out. You're going to need it later. You have to trust me."

I put the fragment away for now. "I'll trust you on this," I told her. We arrived at the oasis surrounding the stone hideout. "Looks like no one's here. Should we at least go to Fang's office?"

"Yes, we should!" replied Vanille. "The key to her spirit will be there."

We made our way over to the chilled shadows of the hideout. "How do you know for sure?" I asked.

"When I lived in the Cathedral, Fang and I would write letters to one another. She often said that she felt closest to her spirit animal while she worked here. He once lived with us in Oerba. He loved playing with my pet robot, Bhakti. When we became l'Cie, Fang gave him to Anima and asked it to watch over him until we completed our Focus. Then, one day, she found him again in her office when she came back from the Temple Ruins! It was a miracle! He must be there again if we're in her memories."

"I don't remember Fang having an animal with her in the Dead Dunes…"

Vanille laughed. "She had him in his summoning stone, that's why," she said. "Fang didn't want anyone asking questions about him. She kept him there until she could play with him alone. He also distracted her whenever she had a mission. He was the cutest thing! I missed him so much!"

I had no idea how a behemoth could be cute. How the hell could one even fit in Fang's office? They were giant, predatory monsters with massive horns and fangs. Vanille had told me stories about how their purple manes were sought after by weavers to the point of endangering them on Gran Pulse. Hearing about Fang's spirit animal helped me understand the rest of their logic. Back during our journey as l'Cie, both Fang and Vanille had always refused to fight any behemoths we ran into. Sazh had freaked out the first few times, yelling at them to help us, but they wouldn't listen. It had gotten to the point where I had to purposely lead our group around any behemoths in our way, just so Vanille wouldn't complain about animal cruelty, and Fang wouldn't lecture me about the importance of preserving endangered species.

I also had to remember that this wasn't reality. Maybe something different would be in the room. Whenever I looked up, no matter if we were indoors or outdoors, Fang's hologram was still there in the sky—the same place, the same distance away, high above. It felt like the north star of her subconscious, guiding us on our way.

When we got to Fang's office, I had a déjà vu moment. Vanille's squealing fooled me into thinking we were back in the Moogle Village, somehow. Then I saw her rush toward Fang's desk. Sitting on top of the surface was a baby behemoth, wagging his tail and letting out high pitched growls. Then I saw another apparition of Fang, sitting behind the desk, smiling as she watched Vanille hug her pet. I walked over to them to get a better look. The behemoth hopped out of Vanille's arms and back onto the desk when he saw me. He growled at me with his tail raised in the air.

"Aww, Bane's just overprotective," explained Vanille. "I'm sure if you offer him something to eat, he'll trust you right away! He's only a baby. He won't hurt you if you feed him."

"I don't have anything to feed a _behemoth_…"

"Bane enjoys meat," said Vanille. "Remember what Caius said? Perception is reality!"

"So if I just…" I _thought _about meat jerky in my hand and it appeared. "…think about it, it'll show up."

I offered Bane the meat. He ate it right away. He wagged his tail and padded over to me, sniffing at my sleeves to see if I had more food. I had to admit—he _was _kind of cute… Not that I'd ever say it out loud. Vanille redirected his snout back over to her. Fang's ghost stood up. She walked around the desk, over to me. When she grinned and clapped my shoulder, I heard a crystal chime, like a key had fit into a faraway lock, opening the way forward.

The phantom dissipated, rising above to Fang's hologram. Our north star shifted into a sitting position. In front of us, the back wall split open to a path back to the demonic storm of Fang's subconscious. Vanille skipped ahead with Bane in her arms. I followed after her. As I watched her twirl around and talk to Fang's pet, I realized how jealous I was. Vanille knew Fang so well—better than I ever would. There was no way I could compete with Vanille having grown up with Fang, becoming l'Cie, and then spending centuries after centuries together in crystal stasis. Without her, I would have been completely lost in this place. Fang had promised me I was her best friend, too.

I felt like I should have known more about her. Being here made me see how little I truly knew about her. Lumina had taunted me about knowing Fang best, second to Vanille. This must have been why. Thousands of years of thoughts, feelings, memories, desires and dreams were all here, swirling around me, and I couldn't decipher any of them. Even if I did take a crash course on all of her secrets, how could Vanille expect me to be useful? If Lumina, Caius and Yeul hadn't said that two people were needed for this, I would have left by now.

The worst part? I couldn't get rid of this feeling that I'd mess things up.

"Oh, look!" said Vanille. "This door has chaos coming out from underneath…" Bane wagged his tail as he looked at the door. "He's trying to tell me that this is the way to Fang's spirit. I should go with him. I still have some of Etro's blessing that you gave me. The chaos shouldn't bother me."

I stared at the shining path of crystal nearby. "There's another door up there," I pointed out. "That one must lead to Fang's mind. When I first saw her here, there were two fountains pouring out from her: one of crystal, the other of chaos. If her spirit is chaos, then that means her mind is full of crystal…" Vanille frowned at me. She could tell that I was uncertain…hesitating. "Are you sure you want to go that way? I don't know all of Fang's secrets like you do… I don't want to do something wrong."

"Lightning, you shouldn't say that," she tried. "I don't know all of her secrets, either. We've known each other a long time… There have always been parts of her mind that she's kept locked away from me. But look." She guided my hand to open the door to the roaring chaos of Fang's spirit. "You didn't need Bane to open this door. That means you can open any of them! You have the power to unlock her…all of her. That's something even I don't have. You should use it to your advantage, like Caius said."

"If I can open any door, does it matter which way I go?"

Vanille nodded. "Bane is the key to her spirit," she reminded me. "There will certainly be more doors along this path. I'll need him to open them for me. I won't be able to get anywhere in her mind. You have to go that way!"

I looked down to the door we came in from. Torrents of chaos flew out through the opening. It was only a matter of time before Fang's excess chaos stopped flowing out, and Elysium's more potent, dangerous chaos started flowing in. Vanille used her shoulder to push me along the crystal path. I stumbled forward. She waved goodbye and wished me good luck, disappearing into the chaos. Our north star changed again: Fang pushed herself off the invisible ground, staying frozen that way.

As I made my way up the crystal path, Fang's apparition moved a little more. With each step I took, another frame added to the moving pictures of her standing up. A sudden crash from below almost made me fall off the path. Smoke spiraled up to where I was, threatening to choke me. I used my collar to cover my nose and mouth, running toward the double doors up ahead. Fang's apparition turned her head toward me. Soft green of her eyes burned orange from the hellish fires burning beneath us. Her expression was unreadable. I couldn't tell if she was mad at me or not. She couldn't have been. The hologram had nearly stood up. If this was the wrong way…it would have been obvious. Her apparition wouldn't try to stand up if that was the case.

I rushed through the doors and shut them behind me. I leaned against them, catching my breath as I looked around. Peaceful silence and glittering crystal was a welcome change from the sudden commotion outside. Then I heard the sounds of slow footsteps approaching. It was Fang. Or…it _looked _like Fang, at least. She had one hand against the white wall, dragging her sandaled feet against the ground. The silk of her black sari didn't have that shine I remembered. Her dark hair didn't reflect the light of the crystal. What fooled me were her eyes and the tone of her skin—those hadn't changed at all.

"Fang?" I asked. "Is that you? What happened? Why do you look so different?" She collapsed next to the crystal pillars in the corner. I hurried over to her. "Hey, are you all right?" She didn't answer me. I shook her shoulders. "Fang! What's the matter with you?! Say something!"

She laughed softly. "Oh, Light," she drawled. "What the hell are you doin'? You don't belong here…"

"I'm here to save you!"

She leaned back against the wall. "Well, if that's the case," she muttered, extending her hand, "Give me my spear. You know how to get it. Once you do, I'll tell you what's goin' on. Not before."

_Kain's Lance _appeared the second I thought of it. "Here, it's yours. Now tell me…"

"…that simple, huh?" she said, using her weapon to stand up. "It is, ain't it? It's all real simple… I'm not Fang and I never was." My heart sunk. Out of the corners of my eyes, I saw my terrified reflection along the crystal pillars. I wanted to back away. I wanted to take Fang's weapon back. I couldn't do anything but stare at this…_thing _that looked like her. "I'm…her despair. Her sadness, her grief, her sorrow—all of those turn to _fucking _madness… She tries to bury me away, yeah? Actin' like I don't affect her. She'll coddle Vanille or spar with you, thinkin' she can forget all about me. I'm sick of bein' ignored…"

I thought back to when I first found Fang in that courtyard. "Did I create you…?"

She pointed _Kain's Lance _right at me. "You might've helped the process along," she admitted. "I'll give you credit for that much. I've been a long time in the makin', Sunshine."

"How?" I asked. "I thought Lumina was the only one of her kind. How do you exist for Fang?"

"I'm the one who does and says all the shit she won't allow. She wants it all. She holds it back; it builds; it gives me life and kills me at the same time. And you? She don't want you here, only she's scared as shit to tell you _why_." She walked forward with the point of Fang's lance in my face. I backed away, eyes darting between that tip and the curve to her lips from that smirk. "So here's what we're gonna do. _You're _gonna get the hell outta here before I fuck up her head. If you take one look at what's in these crystals, she'll lose it anyway. Do her a favor and turn back right now."

"Damnit, I can't! If I leave, Elysium's chaos will overwhelm her… Why are you doing this? Won't you disappear if something bad happens to her?"

"It don't matter what happens to me," she said. "There ain't nothin' wrong with a little destruction here and there. Besides, didn't you hear? Everything gets destroyed in the end! It's a fucking waste of time worryin' about what's gonna happen otherwise. The moment you accept your fate, the better off you'll be. Fearless, peerless and full of ambition… Nothin' will ever get in your way."

I blanked out. I didn't know what to do. If I left, or let _her _kill me, Fang would fall to the chaos. She had me pinned in place. I felt her every sense, her every intuition in my blood, in my limbs, down to the marrow in my bones. If I tried to move, she'd anticipate it and parry anything I did. From the second my pores opened to make me sweat, she smirked again.

"Seems like you've decided to stay!" she announced. "That's too bad. I kinda liked all these twisted thoughts in her head. But, hey—she wants 'em gone so you won't go lookin'. Don't blame me—I'm only the messenger this time!"

Fang's demon smashed _Kain's Lance _into the crystal pillars, shattering them to pieces. The ground beneath me crumbled. I grabbed onto Fang's weapon to keep from falling. I hung in the balance between her demon and the scorched grounds down below. Without hesitation, she shrugged and let go of the lance. I fell and fell without anything to break my fall. I landed hard against my back and rolled over in pain. Through my narrowed eyes, I barely saw Fang's hologram getting closer to her battle stance. Her demon destroyed those crystals… How was this the right way? Shouldn't she have reversed to how she'd been before?

Unless her demon was right, and Fang really didn't want me to see what was in her mind.

The charred, black-red ground pulsed beneath me; the walls dripped with a viscous substance. I held Fang's weapon close to my chest. If I could just get back on my feet, I could find some way out of here. When I tried to get up, a sudden force shoved me back down. Bursting breath and screeching hisses blew against my face. Slick sounds of a paper-thin tongue over long fangs, acidic stench of venom—I widened my eyes as I saw a huge snake with a woman's face on top of me. I shoved it away and scrambled back. It lunged at me before I could react. Deep, gashing pain bit into my neck. I bit back my scream and redirected my agony into strength. I ripped the snake off of me and shoved it back. It attacked again; I speared its mouth shut for good.

_Vritra. Despair. _It kept hissing those words at me as blood and venom trickled out from its head. I didn't have time to wonder what any of it meant. Fang's apparition was so close to the stance I remembered. She stared at me with her hand outstretched, palm open. Waiting. I winced from my open wounds, reaching to align _Kain's Lance _with her hand. Once it was set, the hologram's stance was complete. I barely heard her words in my head as I drifted to sleep.

"_I'll take care of it from here, Light. I owe you…"_

.

_Ragnarok – The Cosmic Airship of Chaos _

When I woke up, it was to the soft hum of engines. I tried to move around in the bed I was in. The pain in my neck had mostly healed. Gauze wrapped around my wound beneath my armor. My blood had bled over the white of my collar and farther down. Whoever patched me up had to have taken the top half of my garb off. I looked over to the bunk along the other wall, just paces away from me. Fang was there, resting with her eyes closed. She shifted once she heard I was awake.

Fang bolted to her feet. "You fucking scared me!" she yelled. "Gettin' hurt like that… Then you go and stay asleep for four whole days! I couldn't pilot this bloody airship without worryin' about you. Vanille's flyin' this thing all by herself. She got the hang of it pretty quick."

"Airship…?" I said, trying to sit up.

"Hey, none of that," said Fang, easing me back down. "You've been in a coma, Light. You gotta take it easy." I shook my head. I didn't get how we went from being in Fang's subconscious to an _airship_… "Yeul gave us the ship. She said it'll take us home. From the looks of it, she was right. We're on course for Chrysalis. Should be there soon. Didn't wanna have to lug you back home and get an earful from Serah."

"But…are we still in your mind? Or…your spirit?"

Fang smiled and sat down along my bed. "No, we're in space right now," she replied. "_Actual _space. You know, with all the stars and planets. The ship runs on natural traces of chaos. It exists everywhere. That's about all I know. If I hadn't been so worried about you, I would've asked more questions."

"What about…those crystal pillars from your mind? Your memories…"

"I've got a backup," she answered, putting her hand over her heart. "All my memories are here, too. I don't remember 'em the same now that those ones are missin' from my head… I'll deal with that later."

"Are you safe now?"

Fang pressed a chilled towel against my burning forehead. "I'm good, Light," she said. "It's all thanks to you and Vanille. I don't wanna think about what would've happened if you two didn't help me."

I frowned. "You didn't want my help," I reminded her. "Not at first. And when I got to your mind…"

"Yeah, I know," said Fang. She set the towel aside and looked away. "Let's not talk about that. You've had a rough time…" I noticed an empty trash can sitting next to the bed. Dozens of used towels were sprawled out on the nearby desk. Rolls of gauze and other first aid supplies were there, too. "I couldn't sleep. I took care of you myself. It was my fault you got hurt. Didn't think you'd want Vanille seein' you in this state, anyway."

"Don't change the subject… Why didn't you want me to see what was in those crystals? You must have realized I was the one who would go into your mind. Why didn't you let me do anything?"

Fang still wouldn't look at me. "It's personal, all right? Nothin' special," she tried. I didn't buy that last part. "Look, even if I told you, it wouldn't change anything. That was all stuff I hadn't told _Vanille _about. Things that I ain't exactly proud of. They're ugly. They're sick. They're nothin' like the way you know me. I don't want you to change the way you see me for the worse. I like your eyes where they're at now."

"Right now, I'm looking at a coward," I told her. Fang flinched, as if she didn't expect that. "How long have we known each other? How many times have you had my back in a fight? You watched me fight a hopeless battle in Valhalla for five hundred years! Whenever Caius wasn't around, I went to my room in Etro's temple and cried over my sister, over you, from how much I missed you, _knowing _you had your eyes on me! And I'm not allowed to have a small glimpse into your mind?"

"You wouldn't have liked what was there…"

I felt a sting rising in my throat. "You could have let me be the judge of that," I whispered. "Now the crystals in your mind are fragmented. If you don't find a way to piece them back together, it'll only upset the balance of light and chaos inside of you again. You can't live like this."

Fang scoffed. "I can live however I damn please," she argued. "There ain't no sense in tryin' to guilt-trip me about it. I keep my demons inside. You get close again, and they'll do worse than what they did to your neck!"

"Do you really think I'm a porcelain doll that can't handle the truth about someone? About _you_?"

"Fuck, Light, this ain't about you!" she shouted. "It's about me and what _I _can handle! Call me a coward all you like. I don't fucking care! This is none of your damn business!"

I sat up and made her look me in the eye. "Then why are you getting defensive?" I demanded. "If this has nothing to do with me, why are you so angry about it? Don't you know how much it hurts that you don't want to share this with me? If I could spill my mind open to you, I'd let you see everything! I have nothing to hide from you."

Fang stood up, throwing her hands in the air. "Well good for you!" she yelled. "You're an open book. Great! That tells me your thoughts are all rainbows and sunshine and all the heroes get their princesses in the end. You want 'em to stay that way? Then keep your nose from where it don't belong!"

I nearly threw up when the airship came to a sudden stop. Fang cursed and grabbed the railing of the top bunk. Vanille's voice sounded over the intercom, _"Fang? We've got a really, really big problem! Come back to the bridge! Hurry!"_

"No, don't you dare!" ordered Fang. "You get up and you're gonna hurl all over the place! Stay your ass right here! You hear me?" I got out of bed anyway. She growled and wrung her hands in front of me. "I swear if you weren't ill I'd fucking throw you back down! Why d'you gotta be so damn stubborn?"

"Now you know how it feels," I countered.

Fang gave up arguing and left for the bridge. I followed after her, limping a little from the soreness in my back. Sleek black and red steel of the airship distracted me from Fang ranting about how reckless I was. We went down a hallway and turned a corner to the elevator. Fang pursed her lips as she held the doors open for me. When I got inside, I leaned against the wall, listening to the elevator take us a few floors up to where Vanille was. When we arrived, Fang rushed to Vanille's side. I stopped to stare out the windows.

We had a full view of Chrysalis from orbit. It would've been a nice sight if not for all the PSICOM and Guardian Corps gunships in our way. Then I heard Yaag Rosch over the loud speakers. He was another of PSICOM's top officers during the Purge.

"You have an enemy of the state aboard your aircraft!" he warned. "Oerba Yun Fang is not allowed on Chrysalian soil! If you attempt to land with her, we will open fire!"

Vanille gaped at the speakers. "Fang?!" she said. "How is she an enemy? She's innocent!"

"We have received reports of the abnormal levels of chaos within her system! Chrysalis strives to be a land free of the chaos' influence. Our people have suffered enough from its effects. If she breathes the same air as our citizens, she will taint them once more! We cannot allow this to pass!"

Fang groaned. "Are you shittin' me…?" she muttered.

"That isn't true!" argued Vanille. "We purged the extra chaos from her! She's safe!"

"_We? _Who is _we_?" demanded Rosch. "Who is there to corroborate your tale?"

I limped forward. "I'm here!" I said.

Rosch paused. "The Savior…?" he asked. "Sergeant Farron of the Guardian Corps? Our readings didn't trace you aboard."

"Yes, it's me. We're willing to prove that Fang isn't a threat! Let us land at PSICOM's headquarters and we'll show you."

Cid Raines took his turn, "That sounds like a fair offer. Lieutenant-Colonel Rosch—are you in agreement?"

"I'm transmitting the coordinates to them now," he answered. "We will see if they speak the truth once they are on the ground. If we are not satisfied, we will immediately take preventative measures. This is non-negotiable!"

Once the gunships moved out of our way, Vanille began the descent onto Chrysalis. Fang sat back in the nearest seat and kicked her legs up. She scowled as she stared out the windows. I sat next to her and put on my seatbelt. I watched her the whole time as we landed. Fang didn't look back at me. Not once. She was still angry at me from our argument earlier. I could tell from the way the side of her mouth twitched. She wanted to say something, but her pride held her words back. I didn't have any room for my pride. I felt all of my shame without anything in the way. I spent so much energy worrying over her before. I'd saved her with Vanille's help. Fang was here; she was in front of me again…and the first thing we talked about was my hurt feelings.

I shouldn't have been so selfish.

We had the best view of the world from here—the world that, once again, feared her for reasons that were out of her control. From this different perspective, I wanted to change that conversation we'd had earlier. I wanted to tell her right then and there that I wasn't going to let Chrysalis incriminate her. I refused to let her live a life on the run again. That wasn't part of my dream for this new world. When Fang turned to scowl directly at me, I felt those dreams crumbling from deep within my heart. It took all the willpower I had not to show her how upset I was. Instead, I used these last minutes to figure out some way to make things up to her.


	3. Aries

_**III. **__Aries – The Behemoth, of Assertion_

At the airship landing, hundreds of PSICOM and Guardian Corps soldiers surrounded the _Ragnarok. _Vanille and Fang stood behind me at the top of the gangplank. I went down first. Heat of the summer afternoon overwhelmed me after leaving the artificial chill of the airship. I narrowed my eyes against the sudden brightness of the sunlight. When my eyesight focused again, I saw all of the soldiers with their machine guns pointed above me—right in Fang's direction. Yaag Rosch and Cid Raines stood at the fore of their regiments. They might have changed their minds about being _fair _with us. With one order from either of them, their men would have gunned down my best friend without a single thought—without caring how _I'd _feel, or how Vanille would react…

If they didn't give a damn about me, or Fang, then I couldn't show them mercy, either. I wasn't going to let anyone hurt her. Enemy of the state or not, Fang meant too much to me. I refused to just stand here and let them gun her down.

I reached over my shoulder. As I was about to grab the hilt of my blade, the soldiers in front of me faltered. I kept my hand there, watching the fear in sheer numbers before me. They looked around, leaning in to mutter to their fellow men. Their guns lowered and raised again, trembling. Far down to my left, I heard thousands of snapshots from cameras—the media was here, all standing behind Jihl Nabaat. She watched me in silence, waiting to see what I would do. I drew my _Masamune_ to show them I wasn't bluffing. The soldiers panicked more. They stepped back in unison. Rosch turned to yell at them for shirking their duties. I didn't care that I was only one person against two armies. If they wanted a fight, I'd give them one.

Cid held his hand out. "Savior," he said, walking toward me. "Please, lower your weapon. We have no intentions of harming your comrade. This is only standard protocol."

"Standard protocol? That's rich," I soured. "Fang helped me bring all of you to Chrysalis! Without her, none of you would be here! And _standard protocol _lets you bring out two full armies against her? This isn't fair at all!"

"I understand how this appears…"

"If you understand, then tell your men to back down! I'm not letting you hurt her!"

Cid sighed. "Bodhum is on high alert, Savior," he explained. Behind me, I heard Fang and Vanille's footsteps echoing along the metal gangplank. "We must display the strength of our armies in order to make the citizens feel safe. As you can see, the media are all here watching us. If you allow your friend to come with us to the laboratory, only then will I issue the order." I didn't buy any of it. He had turned his back on us before, all in the name of duty. There wasn't anything stopping him from doing it again. "This was part of our agreement, was it not? We only wish to perform a few tests to prove your claims."

"And if she fails your tests?" I asked, gripping my hilt tighter. "Do you plan on killing her?"

"No," replied Cid. "She is not an isolated incident. We have numerous cases of citizens with abnormal levels of chaos in their system. Several fragments of crystals in their minds are missing, offsetting their inner-balance between light and chaos. Your comrade is a special case, thus we would like to see if our hypothesis is correct. We want to help her. All we ask is that you come in peace."

I wasn't convinced. This had to be some kind of trap. If I listened to him, and he went back on his word, I'd never forgive myself. It was better not to take that chance. Unless…

Fang approached me. "Light," she said, putting her hand over my shoulder. "Stand down. Do what the man says. I don't want trouble." Her calm tone and touch softened me right away. I sheathed my sword. When she walked past me, I bowed my head to her. She stopped to lift my chin with her fingertips. As but a whisper, she said to me, "Well aren't you precious?"

She smoothed her hand up to my face, caressing down to my patched neck. I stared at her in surprise. Fang smirked at my silence. She continued ahead. Cid gave the order, and the Guardian Corps soldiers lowered their weapons. Rosch did the same and his PSICOM soldiers followed suit. Countless clicks of guns shifting sounded as Fang walked ahead without a care in the world. Vanille smiled up at me and gestured for us to follow her. I stayed at Fang's heel, thinking the whole way to PSICOM's towering headquarters glittering in the sunlight.

All she'd had to do was touch me and say a few words. My focus had shifted from protecting her to obeying her. If anyone else had told me to _stand down_, I would have ignored them. With Fang, it was like I didn't have a choice. That and I wanted to make up for our argument earlier. I really did…

.

_Draklor Laboratory – PSICOM Division_

I wasn't allowed in the lab room where they'd taken Fang to. I waited just outside the room, sitting on the cold ground next to a wide wall made of bulletproof glass. The rest of the walls were lined with patterns of blood red crystal and steel. Dozens of automated doors down the halls led to rooms filled with prototype military weapons. Scientists in red lab coats scrambled around with their colleagues, speaking in excited tones about getting to test out their hypotheses. They kept using the term _fragments of memories_. PSICOM had put Fang and me both in quarantine. We had to stay within Draklor's boundaries for forty-eight hours while they analyzed the results of Fang's tests. It was supposed to only be Fang in quarantine, but I'd refused to let her stay here alone.

Hope found me leaning against the wall. He smiled as he walked over to me. "Hello, Light," he said. "I see you've made yourself comfortable." It was strange seeing him as a twenty-four-year-old. I had gotten so used to him perpetually being fourteen. "Are you sure you don't want to wait in the room we've assigned you? It'll be at least four hours before we've finished with the procedures."

I tapped my knuckles against the glass. "I'm waiting for my visitors to show up," I explained. "My sister will be here soon. Jihl Nabaat promised to find me after."

"That's good to hear," replied Hope. "I was afraid you'd get restless while waiting around."

"I've prepared myself not to. We're in quarantine. There's no point in me making another scene."

Hope nodded to one of his colleagues passing by. "I'll admit that was quite the show earlier," he commented. "Everyone in Cocoon and Nova Chrysalia's city-states are talking about it. I'm sure the media will be running the same news cycle for at least a month. This is the first big thing we've had since we all arrived here. You've made history!"

I rolled my eyes. "Like that's gonna do me any good…"

"Maybe it will," tried Hope. "You stood up to two full armies. Most people respect you for it. I think it'll go a long way if you need to get things done." He looked over to the lab where Fang was. "It's about that time. I'll keep you updated on Fang's status as we proceed."

"Good luck with that," I said.

Hope cringed. He understood what I meant. Fang may have surrendered to the military's terms, but that didn't mean she was the best test subject. She wasn't one to be pinned down and prodded for hours. Serah waved to Hope as she came in from the other side of the glass wall. He waved back and took his leave to the lab room.

"Hey," greeted Serah, sitting down. Her voice was somewhat muffled from the glass. "I got here as soon as I heard the news! It's all over TV and the internet. You wouldn't believe what some of them are saying about you and Fang…"

"What are you talking about?"

Serah pulled out her phone. "Look," she said, pointing to the picture. "Fang has her hand over your face. This was right after you put your sword away, wasn't it? Everyone's wondering what it could mean."

"It means I listen to her," I answered. "Don't they have anything else to do?"

"There isn't much going on in a world that's only been around for a month…"

I sighed. "I guess you're right."

Serah leaned against the wall, looking me over in worry. "Claire, how are you doing?" she asked. "You got hurt while you were gone… Are you okay?"

"I'll be fine, Serah," I promised. "Don't worry. It'll heal up soon enough. Fang took care of it for me."

"Do you think she's handling things well?" she wondered. "I can't really see Fang liking these tests. She's too much of a free spirit for something like this."

Then we heard Fang's outrage coming from the lab room, "You wanna stick that _where_?!"

"Believe me—it's taking everything I have to not break her out of here. I want her to have an actual chance to live in this world without being everyone's enemy again. She and Vanille both deserve that. I'm going to do everything I can to make it come true for them."

Serah and I spent a few hours catching up. Once the day passed into night, the lights in the halls lit up, and the rest of the lab's employees steadily left the building. I learned that my sister also had fragments of memories missing from her mind. They affected her emotions, too. Because of that, she'd had to break up with Snow until she could piece things back together. From the sounds of it, Snow seemed like he was optimistic about things. There had to be more to his side of the story. For the time being, Serah wanted to focus on getting her history degree and becoming a teacher.

"We know a few things about the fragments," explained Serah. "They seem to come to you naturally as you do the things you enjoy. I really miss school. As long as I can take my mind off of Snow for right now, I should be able to find my missing pieces. I've found a few so far…"

"How did they show up?" I asked. "Were they crystals that appeared out of nowhere?"

"They did come out of nowhere," she replied. "When I went to go visit Nautica College down the street, I found some in the halls, just waiting for me. No one else could see them."

"Maybe it'll be the same for Fang," I wondered.

"Something tells me it is, but things may be a little different for her," added Serah. "She's a special case, after all." I noticed Jihl coming down the hall behind my sister. Serah turned at the sound of Jihl's heels clicking along the ground. "They told me someone else would be here to see you. Is that her?"

"Yeah, it is. She's the one who offered me that job."

Serah stood up. "Oh, right," she said. Jihl waited quietly a few paces away. "I'd better go, then. Be good, okay? We'll talk again soon."

Jihl took her place, standing against the wall instead. She held her hand out when I was about to stand up. "You've had a long day," she spoke. "Several days, in fact. I have a feeling you haven't had enough time to properly think about my offer. In light of that, I'm not here to play the recruiter again. I'd like to talk about something else."

"What is it?" I asked.

"During your absence, I was assigned to PSICOM's Gran Pulse Relocation Project," she explained. "My research so far suggests that there are two sole survivors from that region. Both of these survivors are friends of yours, aren't they? Your actions earlier today made that clear."

"They are," I confirmed. "I don't think they'd be too happy about a bunch of strangers populating their lands. They deserve to have a say in what happens."

"I agree," said Jihl.

I widened my eyes. "You do?"

Jihl nodded. "It is only fair, isn't it?" she replied. "They are the only qualified representatives. However, if not for one tiny detail, I would have turned this project over to them by now…"

"Let me guess," I said. "If it has nothing to do with them being civilians, it's that Cocoon's people are afraid of them. They haven't gotten over the Sanctum's lessons about the savage barbarians from the underworld. Is that it?"

"Unfortunately, yes," answered Jihl. "The people's view of your friend hinges on the results of these tests. If you can provide proof that Oerba Yun Fang is not a threat to the state, I will work with you to give her more power with the Relocation Project. If things go well, she will need a number of licenses, certifications and accreditations in order to lead the Project as a civilian. Unless, of course, she is interested in joining PSICOM directly."

"I can't see Fang in the military," I told her. "She isn't one to take orders."

"I see," said Jihl. "That would be your expertise, wouldn't it?" Yeah, it was… Fang finally came out of the lab room with Hope. She scowled as he spoke to her, looking irritable. "I trust that you'll pass this information along to her. This also falls under my previous offer. You can think things over together."

"We will," I replied. "Thanks for letting me know." Jihl bowed and took her leave.

Fang held her hand out to me. "C'mon—up you get," she said, pulling me to my feet. "We're bein' banished to our room like the filthy scum we are."

"What?"

Hope sighed. "It's only for the night," he explained, leading us to our suite. "There are facilities for you to use. It's a full suite as well. You won't be cut off completely. Just so you know, your airship's been impounded for the time being. We'll allow you to use it again once you have the proper licensing."

"A license?!" barked Fang. "It's our ship! Who gets to say when we can use it?"

"It's for safety, Fang," said Hope. "We have to make sure you're qualified to pilot it. It'll be in the same place you left it." When we got to the room, Hope entered a code on the keypad nearby, opening the door. "We'll let you know the results as soon as we've gone through everything. After we've analyzed them, we can go from there. Get some rest until then."

"Yeah, all right," said Fang, flippant, entering first.

I followed after her. "Thanks, Hope."

"Glad to help, Light," he replied, closing the door behind me.

Fang's voice sounded over the clangs of pots and pans from the kitchen, "That was such hell!" she complained. "They stuck all these probes in my head, then told me to get in some machine. I bet it gave 'em a front row view to all my nasty thoughts. No wonder Hope couldn't look at me after!"

I looked to the adjacent bathroom and asked, "Don't you want to shower first?"

"Nah, they made me take one before and after the test," she said loudly. "You go ahead, Light. I'm gonna make us somethin' to eat. I'm starved." I made my way over there. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Fang rummaging through the metallic cupboards. She growled. "Where's the damn salt? I can't eat without it!" I smiled and closed the bathroom door. Fang had so much energy—I nearly forgot she'd spent hours as a test subject. That was part of what made her so special and unforgettable to me.

.

We sat across from each other at the table near the kitchen. As we ate together, Fang gave me more details about the tests. I had my Equilibrium garb folded in the bedroom behind us. I wore a white short-sleeved shirt and shorts instead, with fresh gauze wrapped around my wound. My throat kept stinging while I listened to Fang's story. I wanted to believe it only had to do with Fang's cooking. I liked the pork chops, but Fang had a bad habit of putting _too much _salt on everything. I didn't want to be rude, so I did my best to eat without letting that bother me.

Once that was over, Fang pulled out the board games from the nearby cabinet. She sorted through them, setting the boxes over the table. I recognized all of them from when I was younger. Serah and I used to play these when our parents had been alive. After I joined the Guardian Corps, I'd never had time to do that anymore.

"Could you hand me that one?" I asked, pointing to it. "_Life. _It was Serah's favorite."

"Huh? Oh," said Fang, absent-minded. She handed me a box without looking at me. "Yeah, here you go."

I frowned. "Fang, this is _Monopoly, _not _Life,_" I told her. She tried another one. "This is _Scrabble_! How can you get these mixed up? They're nothing alike. Are you even looking at the boxes?"

"I looked at 'em just fine!" argued Fang. "The one you want ain't there. Tough luck."

I pulled the _Life _box from the top of the pile. "It's right here," I said. Fang put all of the games back and closed the cabinet. She leaned against the surface, subdued all of a sudden. Then it dawned on me… "You can't read Cocoon script, can you?"

Fang collapsed in her chair. "No, I can't," she admitted. "The damn War of Transgression took over Oerba. We were _supposed _to learn it 'cause the Vipers said so. The teachers at our orphanage turned a blind eye if we _accidentally_ turned in our homework in Pulsian script. Vanille learned it in no time. I followed her lead whenever we had to read signs to get around in Cocoon. I didn't have to bother."

"But now you do," I reminded her. "If you want to fly the _Ragnarok, _you'll need your airship license. Before that, you have to get a regular driver's license. There are written parts on both exams." She folded her arms against the table and rested her head there, defeated. "I can help you, you know…"

Fang growled loudly against the table. "Ugh, this is embarrassing!" she yelled. "I can't get around in this world 'cause I fucked off with homework when I was a kid?! I don't want you wastin' your time on me."

"You're never a waste of time," I assured her. Fang didn't acknowledge me. I went to get some pencils and paper from the desk across the way. "As long as you're willing to learn, you can get through this. All you need to do is memorize the alphabet. And…well, there are a lot of different grammar rules. Do you know what a comma splice is?"

"A come of what?" she asked.

After a few hours, Fang had gotten a good handle of Cocoon's alphabet. It helped a lot to know that she was a visual learner. I had her come up with similar symbols that reminded her of each letter. Fang's favorite letter was W. Once she realized it looked like a pair of lopsided breasts, she wanted to write out any word with a W in it. I suggested that she work on transcribing her favorite fal'Cie chant from her village. I could watch her progress that way. She seemed eager to work on it, grinning every time I let her know she did well. This must have been why my sister wanted to be a teacher. It was nice to watch Fang learn like this—a definite change from fighting or exploring.

When it was time for bed, I actually had no idea _what _time it was. This room didn't have a clock anywhere. I'd lost my innate sense of time now that I no longer had my powers from Bhunivelze. While Fang got into bed, I folded her sari and set it next to my clothes. I looked over at her once I finished. Fang was on her side, facing the wall. She was oddly subdued again. Whenever she was like this, I knew she had a lot on her mind. Unless she decided to tell me, it wasn't my place to ask about her thoughts.

Above all, I was glad that she was safe. I could rest easy knowing that she was all right. No matter what happened with these results, I wasn't afraid. As long as she was with me…

Fang regarded me through the faint moonlight. She stared for a long while, obviously thinking about something. I breathed slower with her eyes on me. I wanted to ask what was on her mind, but she wasn't going to tell me. "You gonna come hold me or not?" she asked.

I knew to not ask questions. It would only complicate things with her. I got under the sheets with Fang, holding her from behind, as she wanted. This wasn't the first time she'd asked this of me. But there was still something new about this. Fang _felt _different that night. She had so many words on the tip of her tongue that she wouldn't give a voice to. She rested her head over my bicep and pressed the small of her back against me. I smelled traces of the medicinal soap she'd had to use in her showers earlier. Her skin heated up by the second. I felt Fang's efforts to not shift her waist too much. I moved my hand away from her shorts; she moved it back, pressing her hand over mine. I breathed in the jagged lengths of her hair, closing my eyes against them.

Shadows in the dark shifted—in my imagination… I listened to them slither between Fang's body and mine. They whispered images to me: of Fang turning around, cupping my face in her hands, and breathing into my mouth. Telling me all the things that were on the tip of her tongue. Not with words. She traced that wet tip against my lips, biting a little. My eyes shot open against Fang's hair. I mentally brushed those thoughts away, except they kept returning. My heart pounded harder against Fang's back. I held my breath to make it stop, or to at least control it. I could _barely _pass as calm against her. Some minutes later, once she fell asleep, she curved her back a lot, pressing against me again. When I heard her groans though her sleep, I bit my lip to keep from reacting.

I had no idea where the hell any of this came from. I didn't want to think about it. I didn't want to ask questions. I didn't want to _acknowledge _its existence. If I ignored it, maybe it would go away and I'd forget all about it. The shadows in my head laughed, sounding too much like Fang. They refused to let me sleep for hours. I forced myself to stay still throughout the night. More diligently, I remembered all of my military training, and banished my emotions away. That didn't stop the thoughts. I had no control over those. If I _had _to think about them, I didn't want to react—not even with Fang breathing harder against me as she dreamed.


	4. Placebo

_**IV. **__Placebo – When it works…_

_Centuries ago when we were l'Cie on the run, Fang and I grew close pretty quickly. She had a different way of going about life: without fear, without anything standing in her way. She didn't sweat over small details the way I did. "What if" didn't seem like a phrase that existed to her. She never doubted herself. At least, it seemed like she didn't. I knew better than to put her up on a pedestal. Fang was just as human as I was, despite our l'Cie brands and the different ways we grew up. Every time I asked her about her fears, her regrets, or anything that made her feel vulnerable, she changed the subject. It made me keep a certain distance from her. I didn't want to talk as much because of how limited I felt around her._

_Eventually, things changed between us. The less I was around, the more Fang tried to keep my attention. I didn't understand why. I knew if I asked her about it, she wouldn't give me a straight answer. That pissed me off even more. Not once did she stop me to ask what the problem was. She acted like my mood had nothing to do with her. It forced me to not take her seriously. I still cared about her as a friend. I went out of my way to cover her in battle. I thought about her all the time, no matter how angry I was. But her inattentiveness and refusal to talk about what mattered…it didn't sit well with me. _

_By the time we made it to Taejin's Tower, I'd shut everyone out completely—especially Fang. On our way up through the labyrinth made of jade stone, they all took turns asking me what was wrong. Snow first, then Hope, Sazh and Vanille. I ignored all of them. I was mad at myself for caring so much about someone who didn't __**care **__about the same things I did. It wasn't like me to want to know what made someone tick. There was something about Fang that made me want to dig deeper beneath her surface. I'd given up trying to figure out what it was. _

_I only wanted to have an open conversation with her, without the fear that she'd brush me off. Conversation already wasn't my strong suit. Having to deal with any kind of rejection made it worse._

_About halfway up the tower, Fang wandered off on her own. Vanille asked me to go look for her, so I did. I heard Fang laughing before I found her. She was perched on top of a protruding stone above my head. I scowled up at her, folding my arms. This wasn't the time to be fooling around, and she knew it. Once again, she seemed amused by how annoyed I was._

"_So, you came lookin' for me after all," she pointed out. "I was startin' to think you wouldn't bother! You've been pissed off at me for ages now. Thought you stopped carin' about me."_

"_Is this some kind of game?" I asked. "Did you and Vanille have a bet going to see if I would find you?"_

_Fang waved her hand. "Nah, nothin' like that," she claimed. "It's hard to get through to you sometimes. It's worse in front of the others. I want you to myself for a while. We can catch up with everyone else later—after we talk."_

_I felt my scowl soften. "You wanna talk here? Now?"_

"_Not here, but yeah, I do want us to chat," replied Fang. "First, I gotta jump down. Catch me."_

_Fang didn't wait for me to hold out my arms. She jumped right away. I caught her as best as I could. She hooked her arms around my neck, keeping her eyes to the elevator nearby. I went inside with her. Fang used her leg to push the lever. Wind chimes sounded as the machine took us down to the ground floor. Fang kept her eyes on mine. I stared at her, confused. She'd spent all this time ignoring how mad I was, and now she wanted to talk alone? _

_After the elevator ride, she had me carry her back outside to the arid valley between Taejin's Tower and Sulyya Springs. I sat down with her near the edge of a cliff. We'd taken care of all the monsters in the area earlier. The sunset warmed my face as I waited for Fang to say something—anything. Even if she didn't want to talk about what was on my mind, I was glad to have this moment. This moment where I remembered how much she affected me. I felt nerves settling in my stomach as I wondered what she had to say. No matter how much she drove me up a wall, I knew she had this power over me. With but one summon from her, I'd find her again, hoping that she'd assuage me with her presence alone._

"_Light," she said at last. "You've been real short with me these days. I've no idea why. You gotta understand that it ain't easy to approach you, let alone for somethin' like this. I don't know you as well as I pretend to. I wanna know what's wrong."_

"_I don't understand why you care now," I told her. "This has gone on for weeks."_

"_I've always cared. I cared from the second you started shuttin' me out. Stupid me thought you were just in a mood and it'd pass soon enough. It's still here. It ain't goin' nowhere until we talk."_

_I couldn't look away from Fang while she was in my arms. I wanted to. "We aren't interested in the same things," I explained. "You want to keep our conversations at a certain level. As long as it has nothing to do with you personally, you'll talk about anything under the sun. If I ask you about the nightmares you have, or why it is you don't trust anyone other than Vanille and me, you put up a stone wall. Meanwhile, you get annoyed if I don't tell you why I wanted a melon for breakfast. It isn't fair."_

_Fang sighed in defeat. "Oh, that," she said, like I'd crushed her expectations. She confirmed it when she whispered, "I thought it was somethin' else…"_

"_Like what?" I asked._

"_Nothin'…"_

"_Fang," I growled, "This is exactly what I _don't _want from you! How can we be best friends if you want to have this double-standard? I have to keep my distance if this is the case. It's stressing me out."_

"_What is?" she wondered, sounding sad. "What exactly is stressin' you out?"_

"_That I want more from you than you're willing to give."_

_Fang held me tighter around my neck. "Sunshine, you don't know the start of it," she muttered. A moment passed with Fang resting her head over my shoulder, lost in thought. It felt like she and I were on completely different planets. "Why do you think I wanted us to come out here? Why do you think I wanted us to be alone? Why do you think I make a fool out of myself just to get your attention?"_

"_I have no idea," I said, frowning._

"_And that's exactly why I'll never answer your questions about me."_

_I wanted to argue back. Something told me to keep my mouth shut—to really think about what she said. Out here, in the middle of the sunset… She obviously didn't want anyone eavesdropping on our conversation. I couldn't figure out why she did these things to get me alone. My thoughts were all over the place, trying to decipher her meaning. _

"_This is irritating," I told her. "Why can't you be direct with me? I feel like you expect me to read your mind, only it's impossible. Yet you're somehow punishing me for it anyway."_

"_Have you ever had female friends, Light? Girlfriends? Your sister don't count."_

"_No," I replied. "Back in school, all of my friends were guys."_

_Fang rolled her eyes. "No wonder," she mumbled._

"_What!?"_

"_You're clueless when it comes to women," she went on. I scowled at her. Where the hell did that come from? "I get it now. When this is all over, we're gonna go find you a nice man to settle down with. I won't allow it if he's anything like Snow. Then again, I can't see you datin' a bonehead. He's gotta walk the walk, yeah? Only the best for you!"_

"_I'm not interested," I said._

_Fang raised her eyebrow. "Not interested in havin' a boyfriend?" she asked. "I hear guys are real simple. Easy to figure out—right up your alley, in fact. No shade."_

"_I said I'm not interested…"_

"_Hm? Why not?" she asked, blasé. "I'm sure there's some man out there who'd love to make you his. Think about it—you're gorgeous, you've got a great rack, and you can cook! That's all a man needs in a trophy wife. You'd make a great one. You could stay at home all day and watch that shoppin' network thing. The greatest adventure you'd ever have would be goin' to the kitchen to make him dinner—"_

"_Damnit, Fang, I'm gay!" I yelled. Her eyes glinted. "I'm sick of you controlling the conversation! What are you talking about?!"_

_Fang kissed my cheek. "Relax, Light," she said. "It's only the oldest trick in the book. You fell right for it."_

"_What trick?" I asked, well-aware of my face burning._

"_I wanted you to say it out loud."_

"_Say what?"_

"_That you're gay," answered Fang._

"_So you're allowed to be mysterious and passive-aggressive, and I have to be direct? I'm supposed to read you to find out what the hell you want, and I have to be the one to say the words? It's like you want me to do all the work to figure you out. I have to be an open book for you to read whenever you want. Do you get off on me doing what you want—especially when you don't __**say **__what it is?"_

_Fang smirked. "That sounds about right," she replied. "I dunno about passive-aggressive. Replace that with bitchy and we can call it a day." I couldn't justify any of that with a response. "Now you've gone all quiet on me. What for? We made a lot of progress today!"_

"_I want to throw you off this cliff, that's why. I don't understand you. Nothing was accomplished."_

"_I beg to differ, Sunshine," she argued. "I just told you everything you needed to know about me. If you really give a damn, you'll fill in the blanks. If you don't…you won't, and I'll know where I stand with you. Simple as that."_

.

_It's time to wake up…_

Darkness of the room washed over me. Steel shutters had blocked the windows overnight, keeping any light out. I had no idea what time it was. I lay in bed, with Fang in my arms, thinking about the dream I'd had. That wasn't the first time I'd dreamt about one of our conversations. What struck me about it was how clear it had been—almost photographic, like someone had pulled it directly from the timeline itself. Then I noticed how _warm _it was in the room. My T-shirt was drenched with Fang's sweat. I shifted to get a better look at her. She had sweat pouring down from her face. Her breathing sounded pained.

I moved her onto her back. "Fang, what's the matter?" I asked. She writhed around with her eyes shut. I pressed my hand to her forehead. "You're burning up! Why didn't you wake me? You need to take something for this—"

Fang grabbed my shoulders. "I'll be fine," she hissed. "Stay here."

"No, you have a fever!" I bit back. "There has to be some kind of medicine in here. You'll need to eat before that. Let me take care of you."

"You can take care of me well enough if you stay in bed."

"Will you hold on? I'll be right back," I said, heading to the bathroom. I searched through the medicine cabinet. "Laxatives… Antihistamines… Where is the ibuprofen? No aspirin, either? Goddamnit!" I hurried over to the terminal next to the door. "Hey!" I yelled, slamming my fist against it. "Someone answer me! Fang has a fever and there's nothing here for her to take!"

"_L-Light?" _asked Hope. _"Oh… I thought she might catch one. Our analysis so far suggests that she may have a minor infection from Elysium's chaos. The possibility of that infection spreading was what had PSICOM and the Guardian Corps up in arms. It's nothing to worry about. Her body should be able to handle it with proper care and plenty of fluids. Unfortunately, we didn't leave any fever medicine in the cabinets."_

"If you thought she might get a fever, why the hell did you do that?!"

"_One of the tests we administered let us know that Fang is immune to antipyretic drugs. That means fever drugs. Gran Pulse's environment is entirely different to Cocoon's. It's to be expected that she can't use the same medicine as us. They won't do her any good."_

"Fine," I relented. "That doesn't explain why you didn't leave a backup. Isn't there anything that can help?"

"_Um…yes, there is. I needed to run it through the proper channels for approval first. I'm sending it through the chute now…"_

I heard a sudden noise coming from the small door underneath the terminal. I opened it and pulled out the plastic bottle. It was filled with some kind of clear, thick liquid with air bubbles. There wasn't any label on the front because it had clearly been torn off. I turned the bottle over. Someone had blacked out the writing there with a permanent marker. I opened the bottle and winced at the smell.

"Hope, what is this stuff?" I asked. "This doesn't look like something she should drink. It smells like cocoa massage oil. How is this supposed to do anything for a fever?"

"_You, uh…have to rub her down with it. Not in a bath. Keep her in bed. It's actually a bottle of acetaminophen with medicinal—err, curative properties…" _He mumbled the rest, trying to make it sound like some complicated scientific jargon that I wouldn't understand. I cut him off before he could embarrass himself any more.

"Thanks, Hope," I soured, shutting off the communicator. "Fang, I'm going to make you something to eat. Stay put. I'll come get you when it's finished." Bane trotted over to me as I got started on breakfast. I smiled down at him. "Where did he come from? I thought you left him with Vanille."

"My summoning stone," replied Fang. Bane pawed at my ankle. He stopped himself from gnawing at me. He whimpered instead. "There's a pork chop bone in some foil in the refrigerator. Give it to him. He's teethin' right now. The bone should keep him entertained for a long time. He won't bug you."

I handed him the bone. Bane plucked it from me and dragged it to a corner of the suite. He wrestled with the bone and chewed on it, off in his own little world. I glanced at him from time to time while I cooked. Vanille hadn't elaborated about Fang's spirit animal. I wondered if it meant that Fang was just like him, deep down. That would explain why she was so stubborn. I'd have to ask her about the rest later, assuming she decided to tell me. I hadn't forgotten my dream.

After we ate, Fang turned all of the lights back off and returned to bed. Bane had tired himself out, taking a nap in the same corner. I followed her with that bottle of oil in my hand and a glass of juice in the other. She'd insisted on pink lemonade for some reason. I set them both on the nightstand next to the bed. I stared at the oil. I really doubted it would help Fang at all. Then I remembered the out-of-place thoughts I'd had last night. I wanted to say something about them. I wasn't sure how Fang would react to the whole thing. She'd want to know _why _I thought about that in the first place. I wouldn't have had an answer for her.

Fang regarded me with hazy eyes. She held my wrist, easing me into bed with her. "Light, we need to talk," she said. I sat up against the headboard. She lay her head in my lap, thinking for a while. "I don't want you usin' that stuff on me. Well, _I do_, but that ain't the point. I know why Hope told you to use it. He's got the right idea. He don't know how much this is torturin' me. Any more of it and I'll lose my head."

"Any more of what…?"

"Look at the bottle again," she told me.

I grabbed it from the nightstand. I turned it over and got a better look at the blacked out letters.

"This is only…a placebo. It isn't supposed to do anything."

Fang turned away from me. "That means they know," she muttered into her pillow. "They all fucking know! Then _you're _gonna know, and I won't have anywhere to stand. I should've been over this by now! The hell's wrong with me?"

"What are you talking about—?"

"Goddamn, Lightning, you're bloody hopeless!" she cried. Fang straddled me and grabbed my shoulders, enraged all of a sudden. "For once in your life, can't you use your fucking intuition and figure it out? I don't want to _say the words_! 'Cause if I do, that's the end of me! No more pride, no more barriers, no more terrible secrets… I'm sick of you bein' so damn thick when it comes to me! _How _did you get this dense? Shouldn't you _know _by now?"

I stared at her, feeling at a loss. Red rose up from Fang's neck to her face. Her eyes watered. She grit her teeth and leered at me. When I didn't answer her, she held me tightly around my shoulders. She dug her nails into my scalp. She muffled her frustration against my head, whispering words I couldn't make out. From over her shoulder, I saw her demon sitting at the foot of the bed, smirking at me. She pointed to Fang's waist and raised her eyebrows. Then I heard her voice in my head:

"_It'll drive her wild. Go on and touch her there. I bet she'll surprise you."_

Without thinking, I brushed my fingers along Fang's shorts, up to her bare skin. Fang grabbed my wrists and pulled them away. "Just what d'you think you're doin'?!" she yelled, out of breath. She started sweating again, looking flustered. "Don't you put your hands wherever, like it don't mean anything…"

"_Slam her down on her back and shut her up."_

Disjointed sensations I'd felt over the centuries all came flooding back—together this time. My neck stung with the memory of that bite I suffered. From that sting, all those sensations mounted tenfold: so much energy I _had _to let out. I pushed Fang off of me and onto her back. She grabbed at me to gain leverage. I pinned her down by her shoulders. She kicked at me to lift me up. I kept my knees planted between her legs. Fang struggled and struggled beneath me. By the softening look in her eyes, she was distracted by something. She eventually gave up and lay still beneath me, heaving for breath. I smoothed my hands beneath her thighs, lifting them. Fang wrapped her legs around my hips, gripping. I hovered over her, feeling my pulse rock me from my head all the way down. The smell of her fear and uncertainty mixed well with how wet she was against me.

After all these years, I'd been so focused on other things. Our Focus, protecting Etro, and then saving all of Nova Chrysalia… I hadn't been able to stop and look at Fang like this. Not for any true amount of time. Not for any reasons that I understood. These sudden thoughts I had—they felt like they'd sprung from my neck instead of my head. I wanted to know her body. I wanted her to be my first. I wanted to own her if that was what she desired most. If she'd only said the words, _Light, take _me, then I would have without hesitation. My eyes darkened; I dug my nails into Fang's thighs, trying to remember myself. This wasn't anything like me. I had to stop. I should have by now…

Fang curled her hands around my shoulders. "Light," she breathed. "What are you doin' to me…?" Her touch shook me to my core. Everything kept building, building and building: mounting pressure from my pulsing neck, screaming all over me. She sighed against my jaw. Her lips lingered against me, short of kissing. "…Etro help me if you're only fucking around. I can't see why you would."

I reached for the oil on the nightstand. I needed an excuse to keep touching her. If she started asking questions—or, worse, expected this to go somewhere, I wouldn't know what to do. My so-called confidence waxed and waned with her eyes on me. _Her _sweat dripped down my face. _Her demon _laughed softly in my head. I massaged the oil into Fang's shoulders, working out all the knots I could find. I should have known this was a death wish. Fang looked up at me, so innocent, moving in-time with my touch. I moved down to hold her arm in both of my hands. She parted her lips, breathing in short bursts. Feral want smashed against the cage of my self-control, trying to get out. I wouldn't let it. I tempted it all the same with my hands over Fang's toned stomach, moving up, gently, and harder the closer I got to the black stretch-fabric of her top.

"This is in my way," I told her. "Take it off."

Fang crossed her arms over her chest, like she was about to do what I said. I leaned back to work the oil into her legs, one at a time. I kept my eyes to hers. Waiting. She stared back at me, breathing harder. She breathed hardest when I inched my hands over her inner thighs. Thick, wet trails of Fang's want wrapped around my fingers. I wanted to know how it tasted. I moved my head down between her. Just as I was about to _taste, _she held my head in place.

"_No_," she said, firm. "No… Light, you can't. You can't just…_do that _to me! You've got no idea. No clue whatsoever about what this means to me!" My intuition muddled her words. I didn't know if _no _meant that she did want it, only not right that second. I breathed her in—she smelled like the freedom of the skies. Fang shivered. "Don't. You. Dare. Don't even start…" She freed herself from my hold and scrambled out of bed. "I'm gonna hit the shower. This never happened. You got that?" I bored my eyes into her. As if she _really _thought I'd go along with that. Fang groaned into her hands. "Fuck. You're not gonna let this go, are you?"

I licked my fingers clean as I replied, "I'm not."

Fang's breath shuddered. "I don't recognize this woman in front of me," she muttered, backing away. "I don't know who you are…_what_ you are… You're a fantasy—that's plain as day."

"If you want me, you shouldn't run away," I explained. Fang took large sips of her pink lemonade. "I finally get what you've been trying to tell me. Ever since we first met, you've been dancing around something, refusing to say it out loud. This is it, isn't it? You want us to have sex—"

"For fuck's sake, Light, _where have you gone_?!" she shouted. If I didn't know any better, I'd say her voice sounded a little high-pitched. "Since when did you lose your I'm-too-serious-for-sex attitude and start boundin' off like this? Is it because there's nothin' goin' on other than me losin' the screws in my head? We don't got a Focus or anything else standin' in our way, so _now _you notice me? Is that it?"

I got up and walked over to her. "Fang, I've always _noticed _you," I assured her. She backed away in the direction of the bathroom. I pointed to my patched-up neck. "You see this?"

"Yeah…my demon bit you."

"And all her venom is eating away at my control," I went on. Fang gasped when I grabbed her shoulders. I looked her right in the eye. "You put this in me. So now what? _So now what_?"

Before I could say anything else, Fang slammed the bathroom door in my face. She locked it right away. I listened to her press her body against the surface, sliding down. Her demon appeared behind me, sitting on the ceiling somehow. When the shower water turned on, she clapped her hands. I got down on the floor and forced myself to do push-ups. Anything to vent this excess energy. Anything to give the illusion that Fang was underneath me again.

"Bravo," she said. "I gotta hand it to you, Lightning. I didn't think you'd pull it off. D'you feel better?"

"No," I growled. "What is this all for? Have you _possessed _me?!"

She laughed. "Now why would I do that?" she asked. "I'm sittin' right here in case you forgot. Besides, if I _did _possess you, a certain someone would have some not-so-nice things to say about me."

"Like who?"

Lumina appeared out of nowhere. "Like me!" she cried. "I already don't like you as it is! Lightning is _my _territory. You can't infiltrate her thoughts like this!"

I stopped my push-ups. "Territory?" I echoed, sitting on the floor. "I'm not a piece of land, Lumina."

"You know what I mean!" she snapped back. "And you! What are we supposed to call you, anyway? I need a name to put to that face only a mother could love." I frowned. "Oh. You, too. I guess. If you ever fall in love with that thing, I'll have to disown you. She's bad news!"

"And you're not?" I asked.

"They call me _Vritra _back where I come from," said Fang's demon. "It's an old Pulsian word for _despair. _So let's put 'em both together. Vespair. You can call me Vespair. Easy enough to remember, right? It's got a nice flair to it."

"Fine, _Vespair_," said Lumina. "What do you think you're doing in this dimension? Didn't anyone teach you to stay out of other peoples' business?" I rolled my eyes at her. Lumina had gotten in my way at every opportunity back on Nova Chrysalia. Not that it mattered now. "Is there something you want?"

"Sure there is," replied Vespair. "I ain't tellin' _you_ about it. That'd ruin all the fun."

"If it has anything to do with me," I spoke up, "You need to stop right now. I never asked you to invade my private thoughts like this. Fang's already freaking out on me."

Vespair waved her hand. "Oh, please," she scoffed. "You were gonna hit it eventually. I did you a favor! Besides, I've got other plans. If you really want me to let you figure Fang out all by your lonesome, I can. Don't come cryin' to me when she won't act the way you want her to."

"Wait," I said. "That isn't what I meant…" Lumina raised her eyebrow at me. "I just… I don't want you to change me. If you don't mean to hurt us, that's fine. I don't know what you did to my neck. As long as I don't wake up with some weird side-effects…"

Vespair smiled. "So you _do _need my help!" she boasted.

"I wouldn't say that… It's more like I want to know why you're helping _now_."

"Fair enough," answered Vespair. The shower water turned off. She gestured her head toward the bathroom and whispered, "I'll help you figure it out later. We've gotta go." Lumina pouted and left with her through a vortex of chaos. As they went, three fragments of chaos fell in their wake. They looked like the one of Fang's thoughts I'd listened to. I put them away with the one Vanille had given me.

Even though Fang had finished her shower, she didn't come out of the bathroom for hours. I sat on the floor the whole time, thinking about her and how she must've been feeling. This wasn't only about sex for her. Fang wanted more than that, but she wouldn't say the words. If she was afraid of rejection, or something else, I could understand that—to a point. Except now our friendship had changed. I knew that Fang wasn't going to give me answers on a silver platter. I had to figure out what else she needed.

Unlike before, I actually _liked _having to figure this out. I got to see a different, unspoken side of her. Something told me that this wasn't as simple as Fang being too shy. Maybe there was so much that she wanted, and she was afraid of pushing me away. Or maybe she didn't believe that I wanted her for anything more than sex. It could have been all of those things combined, too. I always knew Fang to be an all-or-nothing type of person. If I really wanted her, then I had to be the same.

.

After PSICOM's scientists let us out of the room, they brought Fang in for the final analysis. I was allowed to sit in the room that time. They put together their findings from Fang's tests and a few others. Several fragments of memories were missing from her mind. They'd scattered throughout the world. The scientists showed us an X-ray of a healthy mind compared to one that had decayed and rotted from so many lost fragments. They warned that that would happen to Fang if she didn't find enough fragments on a regular basis. Thankfully, it was like Serah had said—the fragments would come to Fang as she did the things she enjoyed. But, because she was a special case, she also needed to find special catalysts to build the fragments back into a crystal she could use.

Because of Etro's blessing, I was the only one with the power to make the crystals for her. I had to go with her in search of every catalyst. Not that I minded. Then again, Fang still wasn't speaking to me. I didn't know how this was going to work if she didn't want us to talk.

Sazh flew us to our first destination—the Sunleth Waterscape. Fang had always wanted to go there. If the fragments were rooted in her desires, the catalysts to make the crystals must have been the same. On the way there, I sat in the back seat of the small airship, staring out the window. Fang sat in the front with her feet propped up along the console. She and Sazh talked about all the bureaucratic mess she had to go through for the Gran Pulse Relocation Project. The government wouldn't even let her think about getting her regular driver's license without finding more fragments of memories. She was well enough to not be an enemy of the state anymore. There was always something else in the way.

"It's such bullshit, y'know?" complained Fang. "I come back home, and the first thing they wanna do is lock me up in some lab! Then they tell me I've gotta be mentally stable enough to make decisions about _Gran Pulse_ of all places. Vanille's gonna be way ahead of me by the time I find more of these damned things. They didn't even tell me how many I had to find!"

Sazh shook his head. "Yep, they really are full of it," he agreed. "The Gestalt—that's what they're callin' the government these days—feels like they've gotta prove themselves. Puttin' you away and telling all of us they've got it under control… That's the only way they can feel like they've accomplished somethin'. Feels like not much has changed since the Sanctum was in charge."

While they kept talking, I pulled out one of the chaos fragments of Fang's thoughts. I turned it over in the light of the afternoon, staring at the violet gleam. Fang wouldn't let me get anywhere with her—not with words. I had to get inside of her head if I had any chance of figuring her out. I knew she was afraid of that possibility. That was why she'd made Vespair break those crystals in her mind in the first place. I'd had a taste of her forbidden boundaries yesterday. I didn't want to turn back now. _I couldn't_.

"_Back when Vanille and I grew up, I had this image in my head… Every day, I'd go out and hunt, and train, and get stronger to protect the village from the Vipers. Some days, I got caught up with that image: the one of me forgettin' about all of that and takin' a break. For once, lettin' someone else influence me to slow down. For her to say to me that she'd tear down the sky if it'd save me, too. And not just mean it in a friendly way like I do with Vanille… _

"_I want this woman, whoever she is, to hold me down. To always, always be there for me, no matter what. I lose it at the thought of someone wantin' me as I am. It's easy for people to want me the way I pretend to be—like I don't give a damn about most things. Those girls never amounted to nothin'. I learned that the hard way. I don't want a repeat of that. I think…that's why I'm so fucking scared. I'm terrified of sayin' a word to Light about this. If she knew, right this second, that I wanted her to dig deep beneath my skin and fuck me there, she'd run away from me. If she knew how much I wanted her to know every damn detail about me, and to love it all, whether it was half passion and half love-hate, she'd never speak to me again. Any time I try to tell her, whether it's with a look or the way I keep my body close to her, Light acts like I'm wastin' her time._

"_She's too serious for love. That seriousness is what keeps me stuck on her. If this were a perfect world, and I wasn't scared out of my mind, I'd let her see me for me. In that perfect world, she'd stick by me. She's got that quality about her. I know she does. But everyone's got their limits, don't they? Light's so naïve, almost like a little girl. She ain't never kissed anyone; never did more than that. But when we're in the middle of a fight, I see the signs. How aggressive and in-control she gets. Such a balance—she could go either way, and I want her to rule over me… I don't think I'll ever get over this fear. Not unless she made a move first. And after that? Who the hell knows…? It'd all depend on if it felt right or not. And if it did…no matter how hard I fought against her, I'd never want her to let me go."_


	5. Patiently

"_Nothing Burns Twice" by Made By Grey_

_**V. **__Patiently – Like a predator_

Sazh dropped us off at the entrance to the Sunleth Waterscape, not too far from the Vile Peaks. I watched his airship take off into the late-afternoon skies above the hanging trees. I heard the far-off sounds of wildlife and monsters over the running streams nearby. Fang walked a little ways ahead, stretching her arms. She commented about how fresh and damp the forest smelled. Seeing her smile didn't warm me like it normally would have. I liked that she could finally get away from the laws and regulations that had bogged her down before. But, listening to her thoughts a few minutes ago—they'd made me uneasy. She'd made up her mind a long time ago that I wasn't the one for her. She _wanted _me to be. That didn't mean she expected me to be a certain way, or that she wanted me to change for her.

I was confused… She wanted me, maybe even _loved me, _but she didn't think I was right for her.

Add that on top of the reality that I had no idea what to do, and this was all a big mess. I should have thought things through before making a move on her yesterday. At the same time, I couldn't drop this. I needed to know if I could change her mind about me. If I could, I had to figure out _how _to do that. I didn't stop myself yesterday to waste time thinking about what to do or say. It came to me naturally…like it had been waiting for the right opportunity to show up. I watched Fang glance at me from over her shoulder as she walked. The shadows in Fang's eyes spelled out her curiosity about me. She walked faster, still looking back at me every now and then. I sped up to match her pace—enough to follow her through the winding, grassy roads, but not to catch up.

Following her held a special meaning to me. It calmed me and helped me feel. Possibilities stretched out beyond—of me staying after her, for as long as it took to change her mind about me, about us. My heart weighed down at the prospect of that struggle. Yet it soared all the same when I imagined her needing it, and me giving that to her as best as I could.

Eventually, Fang jumped up the branches of a tall tree, climbing up to the very top. I stopped at the base of the tree and stared up at her. She propped _Kain's Lance_ over her shoulder, deep in thought as she looked down at me. I wanted to ask what was on her mind. It should have been obvious: she didn't know what to make of me, or what to believe.

Fang gripped her lance before she asked, "Do you want me?"

I let my tone come from my heart: "I want you." She tried to hide her shuddering breath. "Fang, I know how this looks. We've known each other for over five hundred years, and I'm only now doing these things. I'm mad at myself for not going after you sooner."

"Sooner?" she echoed. "When did you start likin' me? If it wasn't recent…"

I had to make this count. "From the time we first met in Palumpolum, I found you beautiful," I spoke. She bit her lip to keep from smiling. "Not just your face or your body. Your values stood out to me right away. You and I worked well as a team. I felt closer to you than I had with most people I'd known for years. Once we made it to Hope's apartment, I caught myself thinking about you more than everything else that went on. I should have said something then. I was too afraid…"

Fang thought over my words for a moment. "What were you afraid of?" she asked.

"That something would happen to you, or me, and my feelings wouldn't have anywhere to go. Or you might not have had time to be interested in anyone. I knew I was in over my head… I figured I had to bury it all. I fought harder to protect you in battle instead. It was all I could do at the time."

"So that's why you turned into my personal medic," she mused. "I wondered why healin' was your specialty. I didn't even need to call anything out. You healed me up without a word. Felt nicest whenever you did it instead of someone else. Gentler, almost." Fang's coldness came back quickly. "But that don't mean you're off the hook. It hurts to hear you say you buried this for centuries. I've lived with this every day! Sometimes it turned me into someone I didn't recognize. You didn't go through the same thing I did. Hell, you had it easy! Why should I believe your feelings will stick around this time?"

"You're right—you have every reason not to believe me," I said. There was a line I had to draw between sincerity and self-deprecation. She deserved my honesty. "But…ever since I had to leave you behind in Elysium, I haven't been able to focus on anyone other than you. If you won't accept my words, then I need to _show you _what's inside of me. I can't walk away from you."

Fang stood up on the branch. "You really wanna show me?" she asked, challenging. "There's a lot you don't know about me. I don't want you makin' promises to me that you can't keep. 'Cause once you get on this ride, there's no turnin' back." She jumped to a nearby tree. I followed after her, staying on the ground. She kept going at a slow pace, watching me watch her the whole time. "Or d'you wanna get to know me better before you decide?"

"I've seen glimpses of all the faces you have," I told her, pulling out a fragment of her thoughts. "They didn't scare me. I'll stay after you while I learn more about you. If you want the same, you don't have to say the words."

"What are you talkin' about, _glimpses_? Sure I've got a few faces here and there. What did you see?"

"It's not what I saw—it's what I heard," I explained. "In one of them, you talked about a girlfriend you had in the past. You didn't say her name. From the sounds of it, you were angry at her for breaking your heart. She wanted you to be like cardboard…sort of." Fang stopped, staring wide-eyed into the distance. I watched the apprehension build in her expression. She may not have liked this, but it wouldn't have done me any good to keep this from her. "While we were on our way here, I listened to another one. You sounded convinced that I'm not right for you. Even though you _know _I've stood by your side for centuries, as best as I could."

"Who gave you those things…?" she asked.

"The first one was in your subconscious. The second one was from your demon, Vespair."

Fang laughed, full of spite. "Well I'll be damned!" she shouted to the forest. "You know all this shit already and you haven't _blinked. _That's dedication, Light! I'm real proud of you."

I leaned against the nearest tree, wondering out loud: "Why am I sensing sarcasm in your voice?"

"'Cause you know me too well, that's why," said Fang. She jumped down to the ground. "I'm gonna teach you another lesson. I've got a few things to think over while you watch and learn. See that cove over there? I want you to go and get our camp started." She summoned Bane from his stone. Fang held him tight, looking me over. Then she canted her head up to the rain clouds forming in the sky. "This is a rare time when I don't want your eyes on me. Pay more attention to my baby and what he does. I'm teachin' him how to hunt. We'll come over to you once it starts to rain."

As she was about to leave, I held her hand. I brought her closer—close enough to kiss her neck, once. Fang sighed, pushing me away by my shoulder. Even as she did that, she kept her body near to mine. I saw some of her vulnerability there in her eyes: how she _wanted_, but wouldn't give me anything yet.

Fang stepped back. "Save that for later," she said softly. I let her fingertips slip away from my hold. "Watch Bane. Not me. I want a nice fire goin' once we get back."

"I'll have it ready for you," I answered.

"Good," she replied. "I should have a treat for us before dinner, too. It'll help us both unwind…"

The cove sat at the top of a hill with a good view of the mossy plains. It didn't take me long to set up camp just short of lighting the campfire. I set a cot down and lay there, watching Fang and Bane roam the plains downhill for hours. There were plenty of monsters there to hunt. At first, Bane spent a lot of time hiding behind Fang's legs. Some of the monsters were way too big for him. Fang pointed to a mountain lion and drew her lance. She had him mimic her: walking slowly, carefully; staying after the lion until it wandered farther away from its pack. Bane pounced on it with her and they brought it down.

The longer I watched him, the more I understood what Fang wanted to show me. Whenever Bane rushed at the monsters, Fang scolded him and made him start over. He learned to stop doing that soon enough. He then stalked his prey at a steady pace. Quiet enough to make the monster uneasy that something would happen soon. If Bane made a mistake and his target ran off, he chased it down until he could sink his teeth into it. As the hours passed, I imagined Fang running away from me, daring me to catch her if I could. If she wasn't running, then she would do like she did earlier: letting me stay close, but pulling away just enough to make me work for her.

If she wanted me to take this lesson literally, then she succeeded. Fang wasn't the type to back down and give in to anyone or anything. I decided that I had to be patient about this and watch her more. She'd give me more clues when she felt like it. I only needed to be receptive to them.

Once thunder sounded in the sky, I started the fire. Fang sat down with her back to me, holding Bane in her lap. She buried her face in her hands and sat there for a long while, waiting for the rain to fall. Once she sent Bane back to his summoning stone, I noticed the way her chest shuddered and heaved. I could tell she tried to control it… It wasn't working. The harder she tried not to let her emotions show, the harder they poured out. It was all she could do to mask them all beneath the rainfall. She must have felt overwhelmed and full of disbelief. I had no idea how strongly she felt for me. However powerful it was, I knew she didn't want to get her hopes up. It was one thing to like me and not expect anything to happen between us. But now there was the risk of things not working out, forcing our friendship to change yet again.

And then I heard Vespair's voice in my head: _"She knows she's a fuck-up. All kinds of sick fascinations and pleasures she's got. Once you get a whiff of 'em, it'll be up to you to decide if she's worth it. They're gonna freak you out. There's no gettin' around it. You want my advice? Never let her see your fear. Whenever she shocks you, remember how much she means to you. Stay after her—always. If you don't, she'll do somethin' stupid, and then I'll have to get you back for it. Just go to her, all right?"_

Quietly, patiently, I walked out of the cove, downhill to where she was. I kept my steps light. If she heard my boots through the wet grass, or my coattails blowing in the wind, it would've been game over. I got closer, and closer, oddly thankful that Fang was too distracted by her emotions to notice me. There was no way I could've gotten past her radar otherwise. She gripped her scalp and held her breath once I was a few paces away.

"Goddamnit, get out of my head!" she shouted. "I don't need you tellin' me none of this shit! Go torture someone else and leave me alone…"

"Fang," I said. She stayed stone still. "Come inside with me. The storm's getting worse."

"Yeah, all right," she replied, flat.

Fang busied herself with picking up the carcass she'd hunted earlier. She wouldn't let me see her face as she walked past me and up the hill. I stayed silent when we made it back to camp. Once she got started on cooking our dinner, she handed me a glowing white core.

"I sensed it here while we were on our way," said Fang. Her eyes were red. I did my best not to stare, looking at the core instead. "It's gotta be a catalyst for my crystal." She gave me a bunch of fragments of memories. "If you can see those, then they're what you need to put everything together. I keep findin' 'em everywhere… Guess that means we're on the right track." I bound the fragments to the core, creating a bright crystal. There was something unusual about it. Fang actually smiled. "This is what I was hopin' for earlier. Does it feel smooth to you? Like a piece of velvet?"

"It does," I said, handing her the crystal. Fang used a nearby rock to cut it into sections. "What are you doing…? Aren't you supposed to use the crystal now?"

"That's what I'm doin', Sunshine. Sit tight and watch me work my magic."

Fang ground one of the sections into crystal dust. Then she pulled out some kind of paper, and rolled the dust into it, like a cigarette. When she lit up the tip, it burned black, letting out sweet-smelling smoke.

"It's called black velvet," said Fang. "The crystal's soft like velvet and it burns black. Classic stuff when you wanna unwind after a hard day." She held it between her index and middle finger, smoking it with a soft smile. I watched her smoke, and cook, taken aback. That was one way to get the fragments back into her system…one I didn't expect at all. "So, Light, you never told me about any of the girls from your past. You ever have any crushes?"

I watched the smoke glitter in the light of the fire. "Not exactly," I told her. "I've met plenty of people who I thought were pretty. My focus was always someplace else. It kept anyone from approaching me."

Fang hummed in agreement. "Sounds about right," she added. "You had this wall up, y'know?"

"And now that it's not there anymore, you don't know what to do."

"I ain't used to it," she countered. "You bein' like this with me…I've wanted it for ages. I spent so long wishin' for it that it burned _me _black. You could say I've turned into a big old cynic. Didn't think I'd ever hear you call me beautiful, that's for sure…"

Fang kept her black velvet between her lips, moving closer to me. She eased me down on my back along the cot next to the fire, straddling my waist. For a long moment, she sat there on top of me, smoking while she looked me over.

"You're more than beautiful to me, Fang," I said to her. She tried not to smile, but it didn't work. "Part of me likes that you're cynical. It keeps you grounded. I wonder…are you worried about it getting worse?"

"Nothin' burns twice, Lightning."

I pulsed harder between my legs while I watched her watch me. The drape of her sari over her thighs tempted me to touch. She wouldn't let me. She used one hand to keep my wrists together over my stomach.

"I'm makin' a rule," she announced. "We've got these feelings between us… I don't want shit to be awkward. It annoys me when people go on about romance and hopes like it's goin' outta style. If the moment's right, I want you to make me go weak in the knees, and all that cliché stuff like you did just now. Until then, I need some time to get used to this. We're gonna stay as friends for a bit longer. That all right with you?"

I nodded. "If that's what you need, then I don't mind." Truth be told, I needed the same thing, if not in the same way. "I'd rather go at your pace. I want us to get to know each other more."

Fang smiled. "Here," she said, offering me a smoke. "Try it. The second-hand smoke will find me. We can share. I'd say this is one way to get to know me better."

"Is it a drug?" I asked.

"Sure is," she drawled with a lazy smirk. "It'll get you lifted. You ain't in the military no more. It's not like you've got drug tests you gotta pass. From now on, you're stickin' with me. You're my left hand, Light. Vanille's my right hand. I warned you about gettin' on this ride with me. You want off?"

I'd taken pride in staying sober my whole life. I didn't even drink alcohol to the point of getting drunk. I'd had to set a good example for my sister and stay up to the Guardian Corps' standards. That was all from a different time, a different place. Now it seemed so insignificant. I breathed in the wisps of smoke next to my face. It smelled so sweet, like pixie dust… If this was what Fang wanted, then I wanted the same.

"Let me try it," I told her.

Fang's eyes darkened. "Take it a little at a time," she said, settling it between my lips. I inhaled, slowly, watching the amazement grow in her face. "Hold it in for a few seconds. It's gotta settle." I held my breath. Weightlessness rose from my chest up to my head. Colors started swirling around me. This all felt so familiar… Fang's voice sounded faraway at first before it swung back at full volume. "Well, look at you! It didn't hit you too hard. You're sure you ain't never tried it before?"

"This feels like…the way I felt…whenever I used the powers Bhunivelze gave me. My Eradia would fill me like this. Heightened awareness and perception…"

Fang let me have another hit. "Mmm, so bein' God's divine is just like gettin' high," she guessed. "You get people who say they feel god-like whenever they've got somethin' in their system. I'd always stop before it got to me too much. Didn't want Vanille on my case about it."

"Why didn't I notice this before?" I asked. "You smoked this when we were l'Cie?"

"After everyone went to bed, yeah," she answered. "It ain't an addiction. It's just somethin' to do. I bet PSICOM would lock me up and throw away the key if they found it. It's pretty hard shit if you overdose."

"About PSICOM…how do you feel about everything? They're turning you into the state's experiment."

Fang scowled. "It's like I told Sazh—I think it's bullshit," she said. "I don't mind goin' around with you to find these things. What I _do _mind is some big wigs sayin' I've gotta do it, or else they'll crush whatever rights I have in this world. I know Bodhum's your hometown and all. It could rot for all I care. If the Gestalt or whatever finds themselves in a pinch one of these days, I ain't breakin' my neck to help."

"You don't care what happens to the government? The people would devolve into anarchy without it."

"No," she soured. "I don't give a damn. If I had any excuse to do it, I'd get rid of 'em myself. Anarchy sounds loads better than this hand-holdin' shit they're doin' with everyone. Treatin' me like I'm some terrible monster, all from somethin' that was outta my control… They can go fuck themselves."

That reminded me… "Lumina," I called. She appeared right away. "I need you to do something."

Lumina folded her arms. "Now you're summoning me to run errands?!" she asked. "This had better be good…"

Fang rolled her eyes. "Hello to you, too, brat."

"Hi, Fang!" said Lumina, bouncing a bit as she waved to her. Fang groaned. "Wait a minute…are you two in here doing drugs? Fang! How could you?! You're a terrible influence on her!"

"Whatever," I muttered. "Look, I need you to infiltrate PSICOM's headquarters. Find out whoever made the initial report about Fang's chaos. I hadn't told anyone about it other than our friends. That means someone found out and reported her out of spite."

Fang held her hand out. "Hold on," she said. "You think this is all some big conspiracy against me? Who the hell has that kinda time on their hands? I can't think of anyone who'd _want _to in the first place! How could I piss someone off in Chrysalis when I spent weeks stuck in Elysium, anyway?"

"I don't know," I replied. "That's what I want to find out. Lumina, can you look into it for us?"

Lumina kicked at a nearby pebble. "Okay," she sulked. "But _only _because Fang means so much to you, and I'd have to deal with your depression if something happened to her. You were bad enough when you thought Serah wouldn't be the same if she came back."

"How kind of you," remarked Fang. "Helpin' out poor old me just to keep your charge happy."

"Yeah, you're welcome!" said Lumina, disappearing into the chaos again.

Fang reached over to check on our dinner. "She's a fire-starter—that's for sure," she said. "Did you used to be like her when you were younger? I can't picture it…"

"When my parents were still alive, I was…a little out of hand. Serah used to get picked on in school. I bullied those kids right back and got into fights all the time. I didn't set a very good example for her back then. I changed completely when I joined the military."

Fang smiled in approval. "Sounds like what I did for Vanille," she recalled. I thought she might have said that was all the more reason we made a good fit. She didn't. I held back my emotions, watching her smoke again. I couldn't be too eager. I couldn't expect anything. "I don't wanna go back to Bodhum yet. I wanna stay out here with you and explore a bit. Ain't that theme park just through here? Nautilus?"

"It is… It'll take a few days to get there on foot."

"Works for me," she replied. "You up for the trip? Should be fun!" Fang studied me. She could tell that there was something I wanted to say. "What is it, Light? You can tell me."

"Will you go with me as my date?" I asked. "I've been there a few times before. There are a lot of places to go, sights to see… We can still be friends if that's what you need. When we get there, I want to show you a nice time. I can't really do that if I'm restricted."

Fang gave me her black velvet. "A date, huh?" she said, thinking it over. "Didn't think you'd ask…"

"I'm asking now. Will you let me take you out?"

From the way she grinned, I knew she enjoyed this. "If you're good, I'll be your date," she promised. "Ask me again when we're nearly there."

.

We spent a little over a week taking our time through the Sunleth Waterscape, talking about everything and nothing at all. I thought it might have been more difficult to manage myself, my desires. I found that I was caught up with something else instead. Fang kept our conversations light for the most part. Again, she did that thing where she changed the subject whenever the topic got too personal for her. I tried not to let it bother me. Except, now when she did it, I felt a mounting sense of dread. As if all of these unspoken things would come up and bite me when I least expected it. I could tell that she kept up a front, acting cool as long as we talked and smoked together.

I didn't like it at all. If I spoke up about it, I risked pissing her off. As the days passed, I realized I'd turned into her puppy. Being her left hand was special to me… I knew I was in over my head again. Fang used her influence over me to control my voice, keeping me quiet about certain things. At this point, I wasn't sure if she did it for the same reasons anymore. If she only did it to keep herself safe, or if she enjoyed controlling me like this.

By the time we got to the end of the forest that night, I didn't know what to do. I could have spoken up about how I felt. I should have. Instead, I said nothing, hoping that it would pass eventually. She'd asked me for time to think things through. It wasn't my place to cut that time short. For all I knew, I only felt this way because I had to control myself for the time being…even though it wasn't that hard in the first place.

I just didn't want to _think _anymore…

"This is it, ain't it?" asked Fang, pointing to the wire fence in our way. "Those ferries look like they'll take us to the entrance. All we gotta do is hop the fence, right?"

I let her go first. She looked at me strangely before she went, like she knew there was something on my mind. Of course she knew. She'd known for days now and hadn't said anything. I didn't expect that to change any time soon. Once I landed on the other side, Fang kept giving me that look. We headed over to the docks, waiting for the next ferry together. I stared ahead at Nautilus beyond. From my vantage point, I saw dozens of rides and buildings, all of them as tall as skyscrapers. From the way the lights lit up the city, it reminded me of an Orange Julius. I had a taste for something sweet after smoking that black velvet with Fang for days…

"Did you change your mind?" she asked, sounding disappointed. "About our date, that is."

I thought I heard someone approaching us. We could have gotten in trouble for jumping the fence. I didn't want to seem suspicious if I looked around, so I waited to make sure. Nothing sounded out of the ordinary, except Fang noticed it, too.

"You heard that, didn't you?" I said.

Fang stopped herself from pulling out her lance. "Yeah…someone's onto us," she muttered. "Stay on your guard. Didn't you say the Guardian Corps runs this place? If they take the rest of our black velvet, we're both fucked."

"How much do you have left…?"

"Enough for a few more days, at least," she replied. "I wanted us to have plenty while we were here. Now I'm thinkin' we should have gone through more of it on the way."

Snow, Vanille, Serah and Lumina showed up out of nowhere, yelling, "SURPRISE!" in unison.

Fang and I both scowled at all of them. Snow stood there with a fading grin on his face, thinking we would have been _glad _to see them. Vanille and Serah looked worried.

Lumina skipped over to us. "I thought you could use some company!" she said.

I wanted to strangle her. "Lumina, I told you to find _reports, _not people!" I shouted.

Snow frowned. "Hey, since when were we just people, huh?" he complained.

"Quiet," snapped Fang. "Didn't you get the memo? Light and I are out on a date! That means the two of us, _alone_, without company!" Vanille hid her smile behind her hands. Snow gaped at us. Serah looked at me as if_ everything _suddenly made sense. Lumina laughed. "Damn you. Is this 'cause I'm a _bad influence _on her? You brought our friends here to punish me?"

Vanille sniffed the air. "That smell… Oh, Fang, you didn't! You're smoking that black velvet again, aren't you?!"

Serah balked. "Smoking? Claire, are you doing drugs…?"

"It was Fang's idea," I answered.

"Oh, sure, blame it on me!" said Fang, folding her arms. "As if you didn't like the stuff and asked for more of it on your own!"

"Fang, what did you give my sister?" asked Serah, affronted. Instead of answering, Fang burst out laughing. "Lumina wasn't lying! You _are _a bad influence on her! I can't believe you!"

I held Fang's hand and made her board the ferry with me. "We're leaving," I announced. "Follow if you want. I don't care. Stay over there somewhere. I want her to myself." Fang grinned, looking like she really wanted to say something. I pulled her over to the other side of the ferry, away from everyone else. They stared at us, talking among themselves. "What? Why are you giving me that look?"

"You didn't just say that in front of your _sister. _She thinks I'm bad for you, and you go and call dibs on me! This is priceless."

"That was only a diversion," I reminded her. "I do want this to be a date. I've…had some things on my mind on the way here. You know I have."

"Yeah, I could tell," she said, sitting down near the edge. I sat with her. "You're uneasy. I warned you about this ride, didn't I? The way our friends reacted _was _funny, but if you ever get like that on me, it won't be a good thing. I wanna know what demons you've got under your skin. Besides Lumina, anyway."

"Demons…? What, do you mean regrets?"

"Nah, I mean things you _want. _Things that'd go all wrong if you tried to go after 'em. Things you shouldn't want, 'cause of morals and all… How you go about it is what counts."

"With you?" I asked. Fang smirked, nodding. "I don't know… Some days I wonder what it would be like to stop being so serious. How everyone reacted to us didn't bother me. I thought it might have. It makes me trust you that much more."

"Does that mean you want our first date to be unforgettable? You trust me to make it happen?"

"As long as we don't get in trouble for anything…"

The devil himself showed in Fang's wicked grin. Ideas swarmed through her head by the second. I held her hand tighter for my own sake. Yet again, I found myself in a situation where I should have thought things through. It was too late to tell Fang that this might not have been a good idea, especially with the others following after us. Then again, this _was _our first date. I'd only kill the mood if I insisted on following the rules like I usually did.


	6. Debut

"_Kiss in Taksim Square" by Chinawoman_

_**VI. **__Debut – It was paradise_

Thrumming beats in my chest loudened the closer we got to Nautilus Park, mirroring the bass of the music playing through the speakers. Fang leaned on me, watching me smoke; watching the haze grow in my eyes. Glittering constellations in the sky above seemed so much closer… As close as Fang was to me, whispering in my ear about all the fun we'd have that night. She didn't notice the way I held her tighter than usual. My world had slipped, spinning far away from me, up into the sky, and it had forgotten to take me with it. Even though I had no place left to stand…I felt like I could handle anything.

"We're almost there," she murmured, smirking against my face. Her thick lashes brushed against me. I stared down at her hand inching up my thighs. "Mmm, y'know, maybe we…smoked too much. Your sister won't stop eyeballin' me. _Somethin'_…a little, tiny feelin' tells me that she don't like me no more. What d'you think, handsome?"

I stifled a laugh and said, "You sound odd. Funny…you sound funny."

Fang breathed against my bandaged neck. "And _you _sound like a dafty," she told me.

I couldn't help it—I laughed out loud. "A _dafty_? What is that?"

"It means what it means! Dafty, silly, stupid!"

Snow came over to us, frowning at how loudly we laughed. "Uh…ladies?" he asked. "This is our stop, right? You coming?"

Fang fell over laughing on me from the sexual innuendo. I laughed again because _she _laughed, and it went back and forth, back and forth. Snow stood there looking clueless. I helped Fang stand up with me. We leaned on each other, heading through to the crowded entrance. People scattered out of our way, staring at us in awe. I had no idea why… Vanille, Serah and Snow stayed right behind us. I could _feel _Serah's judging eyes on the back of my head. As if I cared. The bright colors of the lobby were so much nicer to think about. They exploded out, close to my eyes, almost like a 3D picture. Or a kaleidoscope. Yeah, that.

I already knew I was long-gone.

Fang wrapped her arm around my neck. "Hey, look," she whispered, pointing to a group of people loitering next to the long lines. "Those flyers they're passin' out. Ain't that you on there? Well, you from behind…"

One of the people—a nerdy-looking teenage boy—came up to us. "Excuse me!" he said, pushing up his glasses. "Do you have a moment to talk about our Savior, Lightning Farron?" He dropped the stack of flyers in his hands when he saw me. "God, you look just like her! That's some really awesome cosplay! You should head to the Event Square. There's a contest going on to see who gets to play the Savior in tonight's play! I bet you'd totally get the part."

Snow waved the kid off. "She doesn't know what you're talking about," he lied for me. "C'mon, let's go to the front. We can cut if I tell them I'm the Patron of Yusnaan. Benefits, you know?"

"Does anyone outside of Nova Chrysalia even care?" I asked.

"Of course they do!" he argued. "Yusnaan's the place to be these days! It can't compete with Nautilus and all the rides, but we've got other stuff. You never got to see all of it before…"

Thankfully, Snow was right. He was able to get us straight through the long lines. They gave us unlimited passes for the whole park, too. That was nice and all, but Fang and I couldn't take anything seriously. _Everything _was hilarious for some reason. It felt like someone had filled our surroundings with laughing gas instead of air. I barely had enough composure to walk and hold Fang up at the same time. We laughed at how everyone kept staring at us. We laughed at the adults running around in chocobo and moogle costumes. We laughed at how tall—high—the buildings were, and how dark the sky was, and how bright the stars were. We laughed at the people screaming on rollercoasters overhead. We laughed at the attendants telling us cheerfully, "Welcome to Nautilus!"

"_Welcome to Nautilus_!" we mocked, laughing yet again. One of the attendants stared at us, uneasy.

Snow sighed. "Man, you two are high as kites," he mumbled.

Fang waved her hand. "No one asked you!" she retorted. "Besides, aren't you supposed to be all heartbroken now that Serah's left you? Why is she here? Why are _you _here at the same time, huh?"

"Ouch," said Snow, wincing. He glanced at Serah over his shoulder. "To be honest…I don't know. Lumina told all of us to come—" He frowned at Fang laughing from the same innuendo; "…I didn't really have a choice. Serah and I are still friends. I'm optimistic, you know? Once she finds her fragments of memories, everything'll be okay. It'll all work out. You'll see…"

"You don't sound that optimistic," I pointed out.

"Yeah, she's right," said Fang. "You don't have to lie about it. If you're depressed, you're depressed."

Snow shoved his hands in his pockets. "Thanks for the advice, Fang," he muttered. "That was great."

"I know, right? It's really great how you keep followin' us, too."

"Fine, I get it!" he said. "You two are on a date. You don't want me being a third wheel. I'll head off. If you want Serah and Vanille to leave, you better tell 'em yourself. Doesn't look like they're going anywhere any time soon." Snow backed away in the direction of the Grand Hotel not too far away—a giant pagoda-styled building lined with brilliant lights. "Just to prove that the Patron's _relevant, _I'll have a room for you two in my name. Ask the clerks about it and they'll hand you the keys. My treat!"

"Oh, our hero!" called Fang, full of sarcasm. "We appreciate it!" Snow grinned and walked off. "A hotel room, Light… You know what that means, don't you?"

I pretended to think about it. "We get to sit around and watch boring movies together?"

"If you weren't pullin' my leg, I'd think you were boring as hell," she said. "Now that you've gone and said that, we're gonna have to find some movies to watch together. What's your favorite kind? D'you like comedies? Musicals? Don't tell me you're into chick flicks…"

"Is this a serious question?" I asked. Fang snorted back her laughter. "In case it is, I like intellectual movies…ones that make me think. You already know what you want us to watch, don't you?"

Fang let Bane out for him to roam around. "It was only a joke—don't worry," she evaded. "Oh, and don't look behind us. Vanille's givin' me the eye, too. I'm wonderin' how long it'll take them to get the hint and scram. If I didn't know any better, I'd say this all happened before. Feels like some kinda déjà vu with all this unwanted attention."

"Yeah, I know what you mean…" I stopped myself from looking back at Vanille and Serah. "Hey, do you want to go to the Event Square? I want to know what this cosplay thing is all about. I didn't give anyone permission to do this."

"Did you give _Snow_ permission to have that thing every year?" she asked. "That Savior play in Yusnaan where you had to wear that stupid dress? You wouldn't stop complainin' about it when you came to see me in the Dead Dunes."

"No," I answered, groaning. "I should have found some way to get around that. I swear it felt like I was someone _else _when I was under Bhunivelze's control."

"You can say _that _again," she agreed. "But yeah, let's go see what the hell this is about."

The black velvet wore off somewhat as we walked. Bane stayed close by, sniffing at the booths we passed. Usually the ones with food and candy. All Fang had to do was snap her fingers and he came back to us. A lot of people stopped to fawn over him. So much attention…noticing… Smoking this drug had a stronger aftereffect, other than making me high. I was nearly inside of Fang's head. I heard her thoughts—saw them clearly in front of me, like a movie playing. _'Why won't she notice me? It ain't about my looks. If I wanted to make her fuck me, I'd have a pretty good chance. She's gay. She could be into me like that. But just for the sex? That ain't enough… Why won't she notice my heart's open to her?'_

My thoughts—Fang's thoughts—were jarred by a pair of teenagers rushing past us, both of them laughing. The girl yelled after the boy, "Notice me, senpai!"

Fang scoffed. "How rude," she complained, smoothing down her sari. "Can't they do that someplace else? I thought we left all the kids back in Nautilus Park. This is the city, ain't it? More for adults."

"What makes you think that?" I asked. She pressed her fingertips along my chin, making me look at the sex shop we just passed. There were posters of huge-breasted blondes plastered in the windows. "Oh."

"_Oh_?" she mocked. "How the hell did you not see that? It stands out like a sore thumb!"

I had to look away when I imagined Fang in one of those porn movies. "I-I was distracted."

Fang raised her eyebrow, amused. "By what, hm?" she wondered.

I finally turned around to look at my sister, saying, "They're still following us."

"Don't worry about them," she assured me. "We're here, anyway. Damn, all these people dressed like you… Some of 'em are guys, too. And they're Drag Queens! I'm impressed! You're the most famous person in the world and no one knows you're really you. I bet they all think you're just another nerd."

The Event Square was an open courtyard filled with food booths, musical performers and my doppelgangers. They were all dressed just like me, down to the gauze wrapped around my neck. Trolleys passed through from the other areas in Nautilus. Across the way, I saw a large theater in the same style as the Grand Hotel. The entrance had a line that wrapped around the block. There were advertisements all over the Square about the play: flyers, and digital media playing across the giant billboards overhead. There was a production about me…and Fang. _Army of Two _looked like it was about the day we first came back from Elysium, when I called myself protecting Fang from the Gestalt. I had no idea how they could make an entire play out of that. Nothing really _happened _other than me being overprotective. That meant they chose to dramatize it for the entertainment factor. I definitely didn't want to see it. Fang didn't seem interested in the theater, or the restaurants or shops on the other side of the courtyard. She held my hand, having us walk toward the huge fountain in the center of the courtyard.

People stood around the fountain, tossing gil in the water, or otherwise sitting nearby, watching all of my lookalikes in the area. No one seemed to notice me among all of my copies. It felt nice to blend in here, no matter how ironic it was.

Fang used her free arm to stop Bane from jumping in the fountain. "It's time for you to go back in," she said to him. He whimpered in her hold. "No, none of that. If you _really _don't want to, then go spend some time with Vanille. She'll take care of you." He hopped down and ran over to Vanille and Serah. I heard Vanille's squealing from all the way over here. "This looks like a wishing well, don't it?"

"Looks like it," I agreed. "Are you going to make a wish?"

"I'd sure like to. I haven't got any cash on me. All I have is that guy's credit card I stole ages ago."

I handed her a coin. "One gil."

Fang smiled as she accepted it. "That's all I'm worth?" she joked.

"Don't," I told her. "You're going to make me tell you some bad line about you being priceless."

She laughed. "You know, Light, I really like this," she said. Fang turned to face me, looking me over. "Ever since Vanille told me about it, I've wanted to see this place. I had this silly wish about you and I bein' here together. If that one came true, then this one might…" She flipped the coin into the water. "Now you've gotta make a wish."

Fang's thoughts whispered to me again. More visual this time—of us holding each other in a dark room, me pressing her up against a wall, gripping her hips, kissing her ear and hissing how much I needed her. She hissed back, _'I want you to love me. Fuck, I wish you did. I'd give anything for you to feel that for me.' _

I let the thoughts show in my face, darkening my eyes. I held the coin tightly between my fingers. Fang had used that word again. _Love. _I hadn't felt that for anyone before. It wasn't only because my _focus _had been elsewhere. I knew how I was. I could easily devote myself to a cause, or to a goal—something that wouldn't change, at least not inherently. People were obviously more complicated than that. Especially Fang. It had been easy to deflect my feelings for her all these years because of the ways we didn't get along at times. Ways that had burned me up or frustrated me beyond the norm. I rationalized my feelings away; made them hide underneath the rock of my logic that I was too fickle and moody for her. I'd accepted that Fang and I would never see eye-to-eye on _everything_…

And yet, the things we did agree on, they felt right. All of this felt right. The way that Fang looked at me with so much hope filled me with promise. I wanted to be the one who accepted and loved her no matter what. I _wanted_ to be. I knew that I wasn't. Not yet.

"Seems like you've thought of one," she noticed. Fang guided my wrist over the water. "Drop it in."

I wished for the strength, the devotion to love Fang as she needed me to do. When I dropped the coin in the fountain, nothing changed right away. I didn't expect anything to be different so quickly. Even if it was only a placebo, I liked knowing that I'd made a small step in this direction. One day, I wanted to have what I wished for. However long it took, I knew that she was worth it.

Fang moved to whisper in my ear. "You hungry?" she asked.

I held her around her waist. "Is that code for something else?"

She breathed out a deep laugh, resonating. "You've gotta tell me when you started this," she murmured. "The sexual ways you think about me. Lettin' your eyes darken with your fantasies—or mine. I know the black velvet's showin' you what's in my head. It's my crystal, after all. Even without that, you've been different with me. I wanna know how, and why."

"You've shown me that I don't have to be so uptight," I told her. "Spending time with you unlocks me more by the minute. With the way you make my heart race, how could I not want you this way?"

"Mmm, Light, I keep tellin' you there's things you don't know about me. I don't wanna scare you off…"

"Then _tell me _what they are," I said. "You don't have to give away everything at once. Just tell me what you think I should know." Fang looked up to the challenge. I glanced to one of the restaurants across the way. "We can talk about it over dinner. There's this Indian place here I think you'd like. I have no idea why the cuisine is Indian. There isn't an _India_ anywhere in Cocoon or Nova Chrysalia. Is it from Gran Pulse?"

"Doesn't ring a bell," she answered. "Sounds real exotic! If it does exist, I wanna go visit the place."

.

Heated smells of food and calm conversation surrounded us as we sat in our booth together. I sat close to Fang, speaking quietly with her over our glasses of sauvignon blanc. She'd said that the inside of the restaurant looked just like Pulsian temples with the arched walls and high ceilings. The dimmed lights and warm-red walls didn't hide the similarities that much. She couldn't stop smiling from the food we'd eaten, too. According to Fang, I had very good taste, and I knew exactly what she liked in a meal. Getting her to want shrimp and curry sauce instead of well-done, overly-salty meat was an accomplishment for me. She leaned against me, resting against my shoulder as we talked. I kept my arm around Fang's hips, sitting upright as her pillar. I tried to not let my eyes wander across the room.

Unfortunately, Serah and Vanille had followed us inside. They had a table on the other side of the restaurant, closer to the bar. They were far enough away to not interrupt us, which was fine… For a second I wondered if they had turned this whole thing into a date. I couldn't imagine them like that. My sister and Vanille, together…? There was no way. I had to be getting ahead of myself.

Fang took a sip of her wine. "You still wanna know?" she asked. "I did promise I'd tell you after we ate."

I pressed my lips to her head, breathing in the smooth smell of her hair. "Talk to me about it," I said.

"Well, first things first—no nookie from me unless we're in love."

"_What_?"

"You heard me, lover girl," answered Fang, frowning in disapproval. "Did you think we were gonna go back to our hotel room and have sex tonight?"

"Uh…no, I wasn't—I didn't… That's not why I'm surprised… It's just the way you worded it…"

Fang played with my collar. "You're real cute when you get all flustered, Light," she said softly. "But this ain't a joke. I'm dead serious. It's a personal thing with me. I've always been in control in my relationships, see. With you, the lines are blurred. You already know what I want from you to move things forward. I don't only mean a relationship. That includes the way we fuck—_if _we do." I drank more wine to wash down these sudden thoughts of her in bed with me, making me work for it. "You don't agree?"

I cleared my throat and said, "Whatever you want is fine with me."

"Huh," she intoned. "That was easy. What's the catch?"

"There is no catch," I answered. "Keep talking to me. What else are you comfortable telling me tonight? You don't have to tell me everything, like I said."

"The rest is simple, Light…" Fang had me set my glass on the table. She straddled me, smoothing her hands up and down my breastplate. "I'm into almost everything. I know that don't mean much to you. For now, let's just say that the idea of people watchin' me fall apart in your arms…it turns me on. I never let anyone have me before. There's somethin' about you that makes me want to change that. You've got this silent strength… I want more of it. Force it on me, and you can make me do whatever you want. With time."

Her lips were right above mine. They held the sheen from the lights; they were thick enough to entrance me, shaped by her amusement and her power over me. Fang held my face in her hands, quietly waiting. I inched my lips closer to hers. She smirked wider and eased me back. I grabbed her arms and pulled them down; she dug her fingertips into me, raking down, hard enough to strike a match inside of me. Full intensity in her eyes pulled me to her, and she pushed me away—back and forth we went, breathing harder, contained and closed-off in our booth.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw people glancing at us, trying not to stare. I knew that Fang enjoyed it. She wanted to push me to do more to her. Exhibitionist.

"Maybe you're not strong enough," she teased. I gripped her hips, kneading down the curve of her lower back; she sighed through her smile. "I don't think you are… There's _so much _you could do to weaken me. Don't forget we're in public, Light. How far would you go to make me kiss you?"

"You shouldn't test me, Fang," I warned.

"Oh yeah?" she asked. "Why not?"

"I might just surprise you in the end."

Just as I was about to flip her down to the leather of the booth, I stopped. Someone slammed their hand down on our table. Glasses and dishes shook from the sudden force. I couldn't see who it was from behind Fang's body. I didn't look right away, too worried that it might've been the manager throwing us out. Fang whipped around to yell at the guy, except she couldn't get a word out. I noticed a flyer underneath his cufflinks. It was that same play—_Army of Two—_that I saw advertised outside. He had his hip cocked and his other hand over it, wearing a sleek black suit.

"_You two_!" he said, accusing. Fang smiled wide at how campy his voice sounded. "I know who you are! You're the Savior and her Pulsian Queen! I'm the director of this legendary play, and I need your help right this instant!"

Fang laughed. "Her Pulsian Queen," she repeated. "Who the hell came up with that?"

The director gestured between us. "Look at you!" he exclaimed. "You're sitting in the middle of a restaurant, kissing, scissoring or whatever it is you lesbians do in not-so-private booths! Now will you hear me out or not?" Fang pushed herself off of me by my shoulders, giving the man her full attention. I had a bad feeling about this. "As I'm sure you've no doubt heard, _Army of Two _is Nautilus' Big Event! People from all across Chrysalis come to see it! Not to mention we've made some changes to the theater. We have not one, but _five stages_, playing the same play, with different actors, for a _very_ _mature _audience. The focus isn't on the actors, but on the atmosphere!"

"Right," I said. "And where do we come in?" Fang, to her credit, didn't laugh at the double-entendre again. She seemed genuinely interested in this play for some reason.

"Two of my best actresses have up and left!" he cried. "I need you to fill in their spots tonight!"

Fang took a look at the flyer. "And whichever pair of clones plays it the best gets this?" she asked, pointing to the prize. "Looks like a catalyst for my crystal. Where did you get it from?"

"Women love diamonds, jewels—anything that shines, right?" said the director, waving his hand. "I do, too! I have no idea what it's for. A lovely young lady suggested I make it the prize just for tonight." I looked outside the nearest window. Lumina beamed and waved to me. I hid my face in my palm. "Tell me you'll do it! We're running on a tight schedule. I can explain everything else on the way!"

"Sure we'll do it," spoke Fang. "Ain't that right, Lightning? Tell the good man yes. That's an order from your queen."

I didn't have a say in the matter… I told the guy yes, only because Fang wanted me to. The director threw a thousand gil down on the table to pay for our meal. He rushed us outside and over to the theater across the courtyard. I noticed something different about the people waiting in the too-long line to get in the theater. Most of them were couples wearing dark clothing—men and some women in suits, or fishnet stockings, stilettos and bustier tops. That wasn't what confused me. The couples had other couples with them, making out in groups of four or more, changing partners every now and then.

The director had us go through the back entrance. Dozens of people dressed like Fang and me ran around, getting their makeup and hair done. Set managers barked orders at workers carrying replica pieces of the _Ragnarok. _Everyone we passed stopped to greet the director. He offered them quaint greetings and went back to explaining the whole deal about this play. When he showed us a view of the stages and the viewing area, everything made more sense to me. The whole place reminded me of the inside of Snow's palace in Yusnaan—just a bigger version, with hundreds of booths and tables in the middle instead of rows of seats.

He gestured to the hanging stage overhead. "Now, it's designed to look like a black diamond chandelier," he said. "The rock band will be playing there. _Slowcore _rock. None of that blaring, distracting metalhead mess! It sets a quiet, sexy atmosphere." Then he outstretched his arms to the five stages on the ground, all at different elevations. "All of the actors will play out the same scenes on each stage. There are no lines and no microphones or yelling. No need to cheat out, either. The idea is that the audience is surrounded by scenes they love! Scenes that get them going. They're free to do as they please in their booths—discreetly, that is."

"Wait a minute," I interrupted. "What kind of play _is _this? If there are no lines, then…"

The director giggled at me. "Oh honey, you let your body do the talking!" he answered. I noticed a pair of our clones making out somewhere nearby. I couldn't breathe. "There will be stunt doubles for the rest of the scenes. For the sensual moments, I need both of you at your best! Impress me and you get to have your diamond, crystal, catalyst—whatever you called it. Follow the flow and keep it natural!"

He handed us earpieces and hurried off. Fang said to me, "I always wanted to be a fag hag, y'know. I've gotta find out if Hope is gay. Maybe I can be one for him!"

"Fang, how are you okay with this?" I asked. People started filing in the theater, taking their seats. "There are thousands of people here. This director basically wants us to have sex onstage! Didn't we talk about this already? The sex part, that is."

"You're freakin' out for no reason, Light," she said. Someone from makeup came over to brush something over my face. Fang pointed to the lights. "You see those? I bet you anything they'll be dim when we're on. They're only bright right now 'cause they've gotta open with some kinda action scene. No one's gonna be payin' that much attention to us. All we gotta do is be into it and we'll get my catalyst. You keep my clothes on, and you can do whatever you want to me…"

I watched the person brush the makeup over Fang's face next. "You're into this already, aren't you?"

Fang smiled. "I'll play the part, yeah," she replied. "I kinda wanted our first kiss and all to be an exhibitionist trip. This is a real dream."

Once we were completely alone, I asked her, "You want me to kiss you out there?"

"Yeah, I do," she answered. I held her close to me, watching the opening scenes play over the projection screens. "Don't think of it as somethin' staged. That takes all the fun out of it. Think of it like this: all these people get to see the way I react to you. You can claim me with your touch, and they'll all know that I'm yours. They can be jealous, they can get turned-on from it…I don't want it to be a secret." I had no idea how she could be so calm about this. But, she wanted it…I didn't have room to let nerves or doubts take over. I repeated her advice in my head as my mantra. Slowly but surely, I began to accept it all. "Look, they're playin' the part when the Gestalt makes us stop outside of Chrysalis' orbit. And now there's an airship battle that never happened! I have no idea why I love this."

Everything slowed down to match the music playing by the band. The actors playing Cid Raines and Yaag Rosch came onto their stages, along with our stunt doubles. They had dozens of people in uniforms behind them—the PSICOM and Guardian Corps armies.

The director's voice sounded in my ear, "_When the armies overtake your stunt doubles, you and Fang need to make your way through the crowd to center stage. There will be special effects, yadda yadda, and then you two have your first moment! The armies will flood the stage again and that's when you return to where you are now. Oh, and be sure to play up her Pulsian Queen persona. Make it work!"_

I barely kept my nerves at bay by watching how excited Fang looked. I knew that this was one of the things that should have _scared me off _about her. It didn't… The thought did pass my mind to get out of doing this. I couldn't do that. I had to find some way to focus on her once we were out there. When the lights on all the stages dimmed, all of the soldiers swarmed around the stunt doubles. Fang grabbed my hand and had us go to the center of the stage amid all the confusion.

And then it was just us there beneath the darkened lights. Fang stepped closer to me, waiting to see what I would do first.

_Play up her Pulsian Queen persona._

I knelt down in front of her, keeping my loose fist over the hardwood underneath me. The attention from the audience was divided between the stages, between themselves. They drank together, whispered together—did more together, quietly. I blocked out the attention that was on us. With the way Fang looked down at me with need, it felt like we were alone again. That mounting energy found me, steadily building. It thickened when Fang held my face in her hand, so much like that afternoon. I stood up with her, close enough for her to whisper against my lips:

"I called you precious because of the way you flattered me," she spoke. I held her around her waist, snaking my hands up her back, pulling her body closer to mine. "Because I imagined somethin' more like this moment. Take advantage of it…"

Sweat poured down my face from the heat, from the anticipation. Tastes of white wine lingered over her lips, filling me as I breathed in her breaths. That haze thrummed down into me with the sounds of the electric guitar above us. It lifted me all over again. Hundreds of years rewound with all my memories of her, back to that sunset in Palumpolum when I first saw her eyes burning as red-orange in the dusk. I pulled Fang into me as I should have done that evening. I told her with my lips how gorgeous she was to me, without a word, without a thought save to please her. Fang wrapped her arms around my shoulders, pressing her fingertips into the nape of my neck—pulling, reacting. Soft thickness of her lips held me, fully, tipping me into her, over her. Just as soft, her sighs started me up, over and over again, making me grip her arched back to control myself. She leaned back in my hold, falling there; barely containing her emotions, breathing them out against me in short bursts.

When the armies surrounded us again, I brought her backstage with me. I pushed her up against the nearest wall and kept our lips together. Her breaths in my mouth shook from her control, from her non-control, thinning at the backend to turn me on harder. Fang held her emotions right at the top of her throat, letting them tremble there. I slipped my tongue through her lips, as if I could taste her shuddering fear that way. She pushed me away by my shoulders _without _pushing me anywhere—that forceless touch drove me higher, bold enough to grip her thighs. I wanted her wet for me. I wanted to smell it from here. I wanted to dive deeper into this fascination she had of people _watching us._

Another whirlwind of movement put us back onstage together. From the set and props around us, we were supposed to be trapped in a jail cell. The director promised this was our last—and longest—scene, and we could have our prize. Eyes were on us again, without being on us: mixed solitude in pleasure.

I skipped the bed and eased Fang down to the floor. She tangled her nails in my hair, holding me like that. I pulled away to breathe, and to look down at her. Fang's misty eyes had filled with want. I pressed my lips to her heated neck, moved her sari from over her shoulder. She spread her legs to let me lie on top of her. I took it as an invitation. I thrust my hips between her, sharp enough to make her cry out against my ear. I did it again, and again, needing her reactions just as much as I needed to breathe.

Fang dug her sharp nails into my scalp, hissing, "_What are you doin'?" _I moved harder, soaking the black fabric of her shorts. Wetter, easier to grind— "Light, fuck, I can't fucking believe you…" She panted in my ear, more high-pitched by the second. "How did you get this damn bold after a few minutes?!"

"I warned you not to test me."

She flipped us around, forcing herself on top of me instead. "That was for a kiss," she reminded me. I thrust higher, into her. Fang scrambled to press her hands against my chest. "No, no, no, no you can't, you can't, you can't, I _told you, _no sex yet—none, no, _stop_…"

When she moaned, I couldn't stop. Fang's breathing and her sounds had both drugged me. I needed to keep pleasing her until she couldn't take it anymore. I needed to feel it, _hear it. _I knew that she got off to begging me to stop, and I wouldn't do it. She moved her hips against mine. She spread her thighs wider, opening herself more to me. Fang curled her hands beneath my shoulders, gripping me that way, to hold on, _hold on_. I hiked her higher, angling her body down against me. Her sari had pooled down along her waist, silk shifting in time with my dry-fucking. Dry with our clothes in the way. Dry with these tastes of her I could only smell in the air and feel in the slickness between us.

Her body moving in time with mine, against me, was too addicting. Listening to her bangles moving beneath me, feeling the shifting shears of her hair against my face, and her breasts and necklaces beneath the black of her top, pressing harder against my chest—higher, to my neck, and highest, close enough to my nose, for me to smell the sweat beading against her skin. I breathed her in before kissing her cleavage, edging down to the heat of her breasts. I listened to her heart hammering against my lips and nose; listened to the echoes of her breaths, how they needed me.

"Lightning, stop, _stop_—you're gonna make me come if you don't _fucking stop_—" She cut off her whine, sealing it behind her control. Fang slipped off of me and onto the floor. She heaved for breath as she lay on the ground. I hovered over her, watching her sweating skin shine beneath the dim lights. "You've got my head spinnin' from this pull between us… But you know I can't. Not like this. I'm not lettin' you have me so easily…"

I watched the conflicting emotions spread across Fang's face. She couldn't look at me for more than a second. Fang glanced everywhere else except at me. When our cue came to return backstage, I helped her to her feet. She fixed her sari and went ahead without me.

As promised, the director gave us Fang's catalyst. He begged us to stay on as permanent actors. We couldn't take the offer. I may have lost myself in Fang that time, but that didn't mean I was cut out for the job. When Fang and I left the theater, walking hand-in-hand to the gondolas, I realized how much I'd been sweating. The midnight chill made me more aware of that—especially the unspoken tension that still lingered between us.

Fang was quiet. Too quiet. Once we got to the gondola, I let her sit down first. She didn't seem angry with me. I couldn't know for sure unless I asked. I didn't have a good feeling about _asking_. But I had to try something—at least to show her that I cared.

"What's the matter?" I asked, sitting next to her.

Fang stared out the window. "This'll take us back to the hotel, right?" she evaded.

"Yes, but that has nothing to do with what I asked…"

"I didn't expect you to be this intense, Light," she whispered. "I spent all this time wantin' you this way. And now I've got no clue if I can keep true to my own rule." She pierced me with her gaze. "I wanted you to take my clothes off completely. I wanted you to keep fucking me in front of all those people. I already know what this is gonna do to me. It'll drive me up a damn wall. You're not gonna like it."

I knew it was best to not argue the point. Hearing her say that deflated me a little—a lot. When we'd been in the moment, I could read her, and she was open to me. But now, she'd put that wall back up, and I couldn't reach her anymore.

We didn't say anything else for the rest of the ride. I could tell that Fang needed some time to think. Once we made it to the hotel, she'd closed off even more, if that was possible. Snow had taken care of our room. The clerk handed us our keys to our room on the nineteenth floor. Fang and I took the elevator up to the right floor. As we made our way down the hall to our room, I was distracted by loud music playing from one of the rooms on the landing. When we passed by, a couple had just walked out. We got a glimpse of the sex party going on inside. Fang stopped, holding the door open to get a better look. The living room of the suite was filled with _people _on top of each other, making out and having sex.

Another couple walked out together. Snow held the door open for them, fully-clothed. "Thanks for stopping by!" he said, waving to them as the left. "Lightning, Fang! There you are! I heard about that hot play down in the Event Square. Everyone's saying you were really into it."

"Snow…" I trailed off. He smiled at me. "Is this _your _party?"

"Yeah, why?"

Fang raised her eyebrow, still peeking through the door. "And it's perfectly all right for a bunch of strangers to be fucking on the floor of your room?" she asked.

Snow shrugged. "What, didn't you hear?" he said. "This is just like the kinda parties I hosted back in Yusnaan! Sex parties, BDSM parties, vanilla parties, family-friendly parties—I do it all!" He sounded _so _proud of it, like it was an accomplishment. At least Fang smiled. "C'mon, Light, don't judge me… You never got a chance to see the _real _entertainment back in the city. You were too busy saving all of us, weren't you? You should've taken the time to get to know the scenes better." A few people from inside the room called Snow's name, beckoning him to come back inside. "But hey, I've gotta head back in. You know, you two are welcome at the Patron's palace any time! I'll be there more often now that my engagement's on hold… Oh, and uh—I'd appreciate it if you didn't mention this to Serah. She was never a fan of these things. Have a good night, you two."

I waved goodbye to him. Snow gave a weak smile and closed the door. Fang and I walked the short way to our room. I let her in first. The entrance room was pitch black. I thought Fang might have looked for a light while I locked the door. She didn't. Fang waited for me to turn around, and eased her body against me. I dropped the keys out of surprise. Slowly, sweetly, she pressed her lips to mine.

"I had the time of my life tonight," she whispered. "I'm sorry I'm in a mood… Didn't mean to ruin things. I've just got a lot on my mind after everything. I don't wanna make a fool outta myself, that's all…" She kissed me again. "I'm gonna take a shower. You headin' in after me?"

"Yeah, I'll wait," I answered. "…take your time."

Fang found her way to the bathroom through the dark. "You keep your hands to yourself in bed," she called. "I mean it…"

When I turned the lights on, I saw Vespair sitting in the armchair across from me. "She don't mean that," she said.

I waited a few seconds until the shower water turned on. "What makes you say that?"

Vespair looked me over, curious. "You know how you picked up on what she wanted?" she asked. "When Fang tells _you _no, or stop, she gets off to it. She's always been in control, just like she said. It ain't no surprise: she's turned-on the most when that control's ripped away from her. Smokin' that stuff's got you all in-tune with her mind. None of what I'm sayin' should be news to you."

"I know what you're telling me to do," I countered. "The answer's no. Fang asked me to _wait_."

"Didn't look like you did much waitin' while you dry humped her on that stage in front of thousands."

"Since you know so much," I growled, "Then tell me why she's upset. Do you know? _Do you_? If you don't, I want you to stop playing Devil's Advocate. There's no way I'm letting you mess with my head. Lumina's done enough of that for a lifetime."

Vespair walked over to me. "Your girl's upset 'cause she wants it," she hinted. "But she's got values. Morals. If I were her, I'd toss 'em in the bin and open my legs up to you—after you earned it, of course. After what you pulled tonight, I'd let you have me—right here, right now." I expected her to touch me, to try and seduce me that way. She didn't. Vespair stared at me in all seriousness. "She's playin' it safe and it disgusts me. You may think you're loyal and all, but what if your eyes start to wander before you fall in love with her? She'll hate herself if that happens. She don't got all the time in the world, unlike you."

"Wait, what are you talking about?" I asked. "_Time_?"

"My time's up. You ain't gettin' any more outta me tonight. _Think_ about what I said."

Vespair disappeared into the shadows. I stood in place for a long while, listening to Fang take her shower. I knew what Vespair had told me to do. I couldn't…I couldn't risk that. I didn't know if the risk would be contained in enough trust. Fang and I weren't there. Yet that was the whole point of what Vespair had said I should do. She phrased it as if this was another one of those _things _about Fang that would scare me off. It didn't scare me. Instead, all I could do was stare at this crossroads, uncertain of what to do or where to go next.


	7. Strife

_**VII. **__Strife_

_In the heat of sleep, I had another dream about the past. This time, I saw and felt everything as if I was in Fang's body instead of mine. Everything seemed so different from her point of view…_

_We had arrived to Oerba not too long ago. Fang was quieter than usual. She didn't enjoy seeing what had become of her village after five hundred years. Ashensand of crystal had coated most of the asphalt roads, giving the illusion of pure white snow everywhere. The dilapidated buildings and Cie'th everywhere made the village look haunted, broken. Not even the gleaming sunset lightened the meaning behind our atmosphere: that Fang and Vanille didn't have their home anymore. Once this was all over, they couldn't come back here and have the same experiences. I felt those hopes dying down in Fang's thoughts: the village darkened and dragged down in her mind. Images of the past faded out, replaced by the negative ones she thought of. I felt the weight of the world that pulled at her heart, how it slowed her footsteps… She trailed behind us. Vanille eventually got her to talk, trying to cheer her up. Through Fang's eyes, I saw myself turning to look at them every now and then. _

_Each time I did, Fang's heart swelled. Her gaze stayed fixed on the road, though her focus was solely on me out of the corners of her eyes. Heat slipped down her chest, warming, burning and blazing. Harder her heart beat each time I looked at her, thrumming quick. It settled when I turned back around. Seconds later, she fantasized about running up to me and making me kiss her in front of everyone. Again her heartbeats picked up, faster than before. The pumping overtook her chest. She started to sweat. Soon after, she dismissed the thoughts and let out a shallow breath._

_Vanille frowned sadly. "You didn't tell her?" she asked._

_Fang sighed. "There's no point," she answered. "If Light wanted me, she would've said somethin' by now. She's moody enough as it is. I can't read her worth a damn. No use makin' a fool outta myself."_

_Her thoughts jumbled all at once. They sounded chopped and screwed like a broken recording. Forces in Fang's head fought for dominance—to go say something, to stay quiet. To shout to the winds how much she loved me…to say nothing. To fly away on Bahamut's back and forget all about me…to take me with her. She lamented how much she needed me. She hated it. Over and over again she berated herself, inwardly, as if the thoughts had festered and damaged her beyond repair. Keeping it to herself was her only source of pride. _

"_I don't understand why that troubles you so much," said Vanille. "You risk staying unhappy if you say nothing. You'll never know how she feels unless you say something. I don't think she's the type that would say something first… She's so…"_

"_Focused? Yeah, I know that," replied Fang. "I'll stay unhappy if it means she and I get to stay as friends. I'm not riskin' our friendship for this."_

_Vanille hummed in worry. "I don't want you getting lost in your thoughts again…"_

_Fang stared at my back, my hips. "If it happens, it happens," she said. "It's all I've got, Vanille… She don't want me. The more I try to get rid of this, the more it haunts me. Might as well find some life in my head. What else am I gonna do?"_

"_I know… I wish there was something I could do to help. I miss seeing you smile."_

_We made it halfway through the village in relative silence. After we killed the monsters near the housing areas, Fang noticed how tired everyone except Vanille was. She watched Snow lean against one of the buildings, coughing. Hope sat down on the ground and held his head. Sazh wandered inside one of the small houses, weary. I tried to hide how exhausted I was, to no avail. Fang's heart sunk when she noticed I was sick, too. She fought back the urge to fuss over me, thinking I wouldn't appreciate it. _

_Vanille hurried over to the rest of us. "Oh no!" she said. "Have you all caught a bug? You don't look so well…"_

_Snow sniffled. "Think we've been fighting this off ever since we got to Gran Pulse," he replied, sounding stuffed up. "The weather change and all… It's nothing like Cocoon here. Back home, the fal'Cie controlled the weather—" He sneezed. "Yeah…think we've got a cold."_

_Hope groaned. "Feels like my head's about to burst," he mumbled. "I don't think I can go on like this…"_

"_That's no good," lamented Vanille. "Fang, do we have any more ingredients for the chaos serum?"_

"_Yeah, I've got some right here," answered Fang. "Let's get a fire started so we can brew it." She kept her eyes to me. Vanille skipped ahead to find some firewood. "Just so you know, this stuff's pretty strong. It'll knock you out for a good while. You'll feel better by the time you wake up."_

_I went upstairs to the house above where Sazh was. I remembered I hadn't been in the mood for conversation at the time. Snow and Hope went into the same house where Sazh was. Fang looked through the door, watching them pull off the centuries-old sheets from the bunks, replacing them with their cots. She glanced upstairs to where I was, assuming correctly that I did the same thing. While Vanille brewed our medicine and cooked dinner, Fang sat next to the fire. She smoked her black velvet, fending off her thoughts about me—barely. Some of them managed to slip through to my perception…_

_Fang thought over and over again about how the serum would knock me out. I would have been dead to the world. Possibilities filtered through, but they were distorted—I couldn't make them out. They were enough to get her worked up. She smoked to calm herself down. Listening to the crackle of the fire, and feeling the calming winds of the night also helped. Yet there was still that mounting need brimming beneath her calm surface._

"_Lightning's upstairs," commented Vanille, "Isn't she? That was where we used to live…"_

_Fang breathed out smoke through her nose. "Don't remind me," she answered flatly. "She's in my bed. I know she is. She's gotta be. I don't wanna think about it. I do, but I shouldn't—I can't. It's too much."_

_Vanille smiled. "There's no need to be so jumpy," she teased. She handed Fang her dinner. "I'm going to give everyone else their meals. They'll have to eat before they drink the serum. Would you like to take Lightning's medicine to her after she's eaten?"_

"_Why not."_

"_Okay then," said Vanille. "I'll be back soon!"_

_Fang smiled at how eager Vanille was to take care of us. She ate as she watched the sky darken. When Vanille came back, they talked about the stars in the sky. Cocoon loomed overhead. They ignored it for the most part. Both of them knew that there was an elephant in the room, so to speak. They kept glancing up to their old home. Neither of them said anything else about it—not directly._

"_Where are you gonna sleep?" asked Fang. "There's only the one bunk bed in our room."_

"_Lightning's sleeping on the lower bunk," replied Vanille. "I'll go with the boys. I've already moved Bhakti in there with them. You can have the top bunk. Or the lower one with her. I don't mind."_

_Again, there was a strange, agreed-upon silence between them. Not even Fang's thoughts betrayed what it was about. A few minutes later, Vanille poured the chaos serum into four flasks. She handed Fang one to give to me. Without a word, they went to the houses—Vanille entered the downstairs one where the guys were, and Fang went upstairs to where I was. She held the warm flask gently in her hands. When she opened the door, she saw me on the other side of the room. Being in her home again didn't bring her any joy. Seeing me there warmed her instead. I sniffled every now and then as I looked at the photograph on the desk—it was of Fang and Vanille, from before they became l'Cie. Vanille smiled at the camera, whereas Fang had her head facing away, focused on something in the distance. _

_Fang closed the door behind her. "You're my patient tonight," she said. I took that as my cue to get back into bed. "This'll fix you right up. It's gonna make you sweat a lot…you might wanna take off your vest."_

_I sat on the bed, facing her. "Why is it called a chaos serum?" I asked, unhooking my vest buckles. _

"_It's got chaos in it," she replied. Fang watched my hands. More of my skin showed to the moonlight. "Healin' properties and whatnot…" Once I only had my bra and uniform skirt on, her heart picked up again. "It's good for the spirit."_

"_In moderation…"_

"_Your system will balance itself out in your sleep. Don't be surprised if you have some odd dreams."_

"_That's fine," I said. "I don't have it as bad as the others. As long as I can fight this off early, I don't care what else I have to deal with. This is slowing us down."_

_Fang stepped closer to me. She set my vest along the top bunk. "You'll be fine, Light," she spoke, holding the flask between us. She was so close—her legs were against mine, and her torso was near to my face. "Drink up." _

_She tipped the flask into my mouth. I drank the medicine, watching her watch me. Fang wrapped her arm around my shoulders, gently pressing her hand against my bare skin. Innuendo between us: how close her breasts were to my face, with my head tilted up, I could have suckled them instead. Fang thought of it. The imagery sounded loud in her head. From how intense my stare was, she couldn't get rid of the mental suggestion. I'd been trying to figure out what that sweet smell on her was, since I didn't know about her smoking at the time. She had no idea what I was so fixated on._

"_Lie down," she said, after I finished drinking all of the serum. I did as I was told. "And scoot over. I'm with you tonight. Vanille ditched me for the guys." _

_I turned away from her. "No," I answered. "You can get on the other side. I want to be closer to the door. In case anything happens, I'll protect you."_

_Fang laughed a little. "Now you know just as well as I do that I don't need protectin'," she replied in good-humor. "You say stuff like that, _and _you go outta your way to heal me in a fight? I'm sensin' a pattern here." I couldn't say anything to that. Not back then… I watched her take off her sari and set it next to my vest. She crawled to the other side of the bed, smiling. "You feelin' tired yet?"_

"_Maybe…" I mumbled. "Fang…are you sad because of what's happened to your village? Or is there something else bothering you…?"_

_Nerves jumbled in her stomach. "Don't worry about me," she evaded. "You've gotta get better."_

_I held her from behind and whispered, "I care about you. I wish you'd tell me…everything…"_

_Fang said nothing. Her emotions fired up again. She let out shallow breaths, listening to me fall asleep. Long minutes passed. My breathing deepened. Soon after, I was dead to the world and she was wide awake. She breathed in the smell of me along my cot: built-up sweat that I'd mostly cleaned out; traces of the spring water I'd used to wash; the scent of my hair. Her nails, she grazed along my arms, temptation mounting. Invisible thoughts played in her mind. They hid themselves from me. _

_I'd had a dream about her, about us. Everything that played out—it was __the exact same as my dream…_

_Fang turned around in my hold. "You asleep, Light?" she asked quietly. When I didn't stir, she held my face in her hands. "I can only tell you this when you're sleepin'. You've got no idea how gorgeous you are to me… I kinda wish you knew how twisted I am. Maybe then you wouldn't be my best friend. Maybe…I'd have an excuse to avoid you. Get my mind off of you. 'Cause as long as you keep givin' me tastes of how loving you are beneath that scowl…I can't escape you."_

_She watched me for a while longer. My lips, she stared at the longest, thinking… Fang held her breath. She shut her eyes and buried her face in the crook of my neck. The want was there. She fought against it. Her conscience clashed with her wants, her needs. Clawing, burning, striking, killing—one had to win over the other. Just a taste: she inched her lips closer to my neck, hovering over the warmth of my skin. She leaned back against the bed, easing me over her body at an angle. In that same movement, she tasted the curve of my neck with her forced silence. _

_Blissful, drowning weight of my body over her, she sunk into, tasting as much as she could—softly, to not wake me. She shifted her mouth down to my shoulder, over my bra strap, steadily shifting me on top of her. Fang kneaded up and down along my spine. She sighed and spread her legs, holding me there between her. Through my sleep, I acted on my dream—I wrapped my arms beneath hers, enough to grip around to her shoulders. She sounded out her surprise in my ear. I groaned from her reaction, needing more. Swelling pressure between us from her breasts beneath mine made it worse. _

_Fang gently scratched her nails up to my shoulder blades. "I wish you wanted me," she whispered, heated. "Act like you do, Light. Pretend you need me." I wanted to obey her. I moved down, down between her. Her shorts were in the way. I pressed the bridge of my nose against her. She quavered; I clamped my arms around her legs. "I wanna believe, somewhere, you want this…" I shifted enough for her to take her shorts off. From this angle, I had my face over her navel. Absolute freedom, I smelled—I craved it. She held my head in one place. I felt her dripping down my chest, building with my sweat. _

_Once she let go of me, I didn't hold back._

.

I bolted up in bed, heaving for breath. My white T-shirt had yellowed in my sleep from how much I sweated. Foreign forces filled my chest—it felt like my heartstrings played orchestras of _feeling_ and pure passion. Panic met with those songs. I'd never felt this way before. Not this loudly. I'd never felt my perceptions crashing down on me like this. Everything I'd understood about that night suddenly turned over on its head. I didn't know _what_ to think. It all grew louder when I turned to look at Fang sleeping next to me. She was topless, lying over her stomach, with the sheets down the curve of her lower back. Sheen of sweat over her back gleamed in the dimness of the dark-early morning.

It was only five in the morning. I couldn't go back to sleep. I had to get up, I had to do something, I had to go somewhere, I had to figure this out—I got out of bed and went to the bathroom as fast as I could, without waking her. Quietly I shut the door and locked it. I didn't want the lights on. Or I did, but I'd forgotten how to find the switch in the dark.

I turned on the cold shower water. I sat on the slip-free shower floor in my night clothes, barely aware of the freezing water pouring over me. I stared at the dark of the wall in front of me for what felt like hours. I tried to think things through, but no thoughts came—except for what I'd done to Fang in my dream, and how it hadn't been a dream, at all, or if it had all been some messed up trick by someone—Lumina, Vespair, or smoking too much black velvet and being in-tune with Fang's fantasies. If she'd made me do those things in my sleep, then we'd had sex before. Last night hadn't been our first kiss. I'd _been with her _before—hell, for all these years, every time I dreamed of her, she must have found me, somehow, and controlled me, manipulated me, taken advantage of me…without me knowing. If all of this had really happened, it explained how natural it felt for me to take control of her in my waking hours. It explained how easy it was for me to get in that headspace to please her. It explained how I knew all the ways she wanted to be touched, held, kissed and teased, because she'd taught me through false consent. And she'd gotten off to it.

Why did my heart sing loudest for her between all of my anxiety? Now that my reality tore at itself, I wanted to go back in there and tear into her. I didn't have any answers. I thought I could find them inside of her. That wouldn't, couldn't give me everything I needed. I didn't know. I didn't know…

Even when I first became a l'Cie and was on the run, I hadn't felt this lost. I knew I had to fight to survive. With this…I'd turned into a trembling coward.

Once I numbed away the fear from my limbs, I turned the water off. I knocked a towel down to the floor and stepped on it. Water poured down from my clothes, pooling over the towel. I stared at myself in the mirror. My eyes were bloodshot. I was pale. Something about my hair had changed. It almost lost its style. All this time…Fang felt guilty about controlling me in my sleep. All this time…all these secrets… She knew she had to come clean with me if we were going to be together. She knew that the truth would threaten to break me like this. That wasn't the worst part. She had more. _More _things she was into, _more _wants and needs that were bound to throw me off.

If I couldn't handle this—the _possibility _that all of my dreams had really happened—then I didn't think I could handle her. Just like when I started liking her, I'd known I was in over my head. I felt that way all over again: like a lost kid lusting after someone leagues beyond me…

"I told you," sounded Vespair's voice behind me. I nearly jumped when I saw her reflection in the mirror. "Didn't I warn you about this?" I pressed my palms against the sink counter, leaning my weight there. Seeing _her _again confused me even more. "I bet you wanna know if your dreams just line up with a fantasy of hers. It could've been the black velvet, after all… You've got no idea. What if you're freakin' out over nothing?"

"Damnit, Vespair," I hissed. "_What do you want_?"

"I wanna make sure you ain't runnin' away from her," she answered. "If you do, we're gonna have a problem!"

I stopped believing I had a say in anything anymore. "Are you forcing me to be with her?"

"No," she replied. "I'm givin' you a friendly suggestion: don't assume shit. So what if you had a dream about Fang raping you? It _was _rape, by the way. You weren't really awake to say yes or no. Ain't it weird how it was still rape even though you ate her out? Don't hear about that kind too much these days." I leered at her through the mirror. She wasn't going to give me any straight answers. The gaping hole of dread in my stomach grew bigger. "I think it's magical. The way she can give you orders, and they'll find you through the depths of your sleep. It's the type of bond that shouldn't be broken."

I folded my arms against the counter, hiding my face there. "You say that like it's a good thing," I muttered. "Except you know I can't handle this… I can't deal with it. I'm her left hand. I'm her slave. I _like _that she has this over me, but I can't come to terms with it… Why are you here? Why are you supposedly helping me with her?"

Vespair stood next to me. Her presence calmed me, somehow. "You're the only one that can take care of her on the front lines," she said. She almost sounded…caring. "There's certain things I've gotta do behind the scenes. I can't keep bein' that voice in her head tellin' her to go after you. Now that you're steppin' up to the plate, I take care of the rest of what she needs." She leaned down to talk right _at _me. "You _are _gonna get your head on straight and shake this off, right?"

"Just as soon as you tell me I'm worrying over nothing, I'll stop."

"I shouldn't have to, Lightning," she insisted. I felt my stomach twisting again. "Whether it happened for real or not, everyone's got terrible secrets. Everyone's got a side of themselves that they don't want the world to know. What's the use in bein' with someone halfway? Why should anyone bother with some light relationship where all you talk about is your day at work and what you want for dinner?" Her words resonated with me. That had been the exact reason why I never bothered with relationships. It wasn't that my focus was _someplace else. _It was that I didn't want to get bogged down by complacency. "All that does is breed contempt. You know that. Some people think they can be happy with those scraps. Fang can't, and neither can you. I've watched you long enough to know that."

"You think I'm twisted like her?" I asked. "Is that why we belong together?"

Vespair rubbed my back. "It's only a matter of time," she murmured. Suddenly, my clothes were dry, and my hair fixed itself. I wasn't pale anymore. She unwrapped the gauze from around my neck. My wounds had healed completely. "Embrace this chaos. If you run away from it, your own complacency's gonna catch up to you one day. It'll haunt you. I won't need to do anything. Think this through before you go runnin' off."

Yet again, Vespair told me to _think_. She hadn't answered all of my questions. I wanted to ask what she'd meant last night about Fang not having as much time as I did. When I thought to say something, Vespair disappeared into the shadows. Somehow, not having an answer to that started to bother me more than everything else. It moved into my psyche and stayed there, kicking out my previous fears as if they were nothing important. Maybe they weren't.

Whether all of that happened or not, Vespair was right. Only a matter of time… I had the sickest curiosity to see if she was right about that, too.

.

Later that day, Sazh brought us all back to Bodhum by airship. He had orders to take Fang back to PSICOM's headquarters for them to run more tests. I wasn't allowed to go with her this time. I couldn't visit her, either. When we said our goodbyes, I did my best to not let her see how troubled I was. It wasn't as bad as it had been earlier. A few days apart would give me time to think. I promised her I'd stay on top of her progress as best as I could from the outside. I had a bad feeling about them not allowing me to go with her that time. But…Hope would be there. I had to trust that he'd look out for her.

Serah walked with me back home. She made small-talk about school and finding an apartment near the campus. Vanille had agreed to move in with her… My sister had promised to help her with her driver's license, getting her I.D. card, and everything else that Fang needed, too.

"And where is Fang supposed to stay?" I finally asked. Serah said nothing as she unlocked the door. "You and Vanille are best friends now. That's great. But she and Fang have been close for _years. _How could you make this decision without her? Does she know?"

"No, she doesn't," answered Serah. She went to her room. I followed her. "I'm getting some of my things. She can stay here with you. You can tell her when you see her again, right?"

I watched her pack her clothes into a suitcase. Something wasn't right. "You don't like Fang, do you?"

Serah bristled. "I think she's different," she said. "There's nothing wrong with it."

"Different?" I echoed. "She helped me save you! Fang is one of the few people in this world who I can count on. Now you're making me feel like you're not on that list anymore."

Serah stopped to stare at me, exasperated. "You're being dramatic, Claire," she admonished. "Honestly, there isn't anything wrong. You want to be with her, even though you know she's a bad influence. I don't want to be around when she spirals your life out of control. I've learned enough about her to know how she is. I don't see how Vanille can be so close to someone like her."

I went over to her. "Someone like her," I deadpanned. Serah didn't have the decency to look me in the eye. I shut her suitcase closed. "You sound exactly like the people who are afraid of her for no good reason. Who are you to judge her? You're basing all of this on the two of us using drugs? Is that it?"

Serah shook her head. "Fang isn't good for you," she whispered. "I wish you'd see that."

"How do you know?" I asked, raising my voice. My sister flinched. "How can you possibly know? You've spoken all but six sentences to her! You don't know who she is!"

"Vanille's told me enough," she countered. I deflated. _Vanille _talked about Fang behind her back…? "You have to know by now. _Fang is a narcissist._ She wants it her way or no way at all. If you're not with her, you're against her, and she'll find any way to shame you for it." Hearing that brought back memories to the arguments Fang and I had in the past. I wouldn't want to go along with something, and she made me think I was in the wrong for it. "I know how you are, Claire. You'll bend over backwards to please someone or take care of them, setting aside your own needs. How long can you keep doing that for? How long will it take for you to realize that she isn't the free spirit you think she is?"

I had no idea what to say to that. One thing was clear—Serah didn't support me. She didn't approve of what I had with Fang…not at all. I let go of her suitcase. She finished packing. Tears welled up in her eyes from my silence. She knew what it meant: that I didn't need to argue the point anymore. That I'd already chosen Fang over her. She'd already known that I'd do this. That was why, once she was done, she handed me her key without a word. I heard her sobbing just as she closed the front door behind her.

I sat down on her mattress, weighed down by everything. I felt like a wind-up toy. Just twelve hours ago, I'd been convinced that Fang had manipulated me into sleeping with her. I'd thought that she'd tapped into my subconscious and made me act on all the things I'd buried away. It scared me. It amazed me. And now I practically kicked my sister out of my house over her. The same woman who could have—maybe—possibly done the very things that Serah had accused her of doing. Once again, I didn't want to bring up the issue to Fang directly. If she got angry with me, I wouldn't know what to do. At the same time, I didn't want this growing into resentment…

Fang really had me wrapped around her finger, and she didn't know it. Not completely.

Lumina appeared in front of me. She frowned, worried. "You should find a way to balance it, like always," she suggested. I sighed. "Um…I know you don't want to talk about it. I have something else for you instead." She handed me a disc. It was clouded in chaos. "It's the recording of who made the report to PSICOM about Fang. You know, the one you asked me to find…"

"Thanks for this," I said. She smiled a little. "Why is there chaos over it?"

"It's meant to distort one of the voices," she replied. Lumina touched the disc and made it play. "Listen."

Yaag Rosch's voice sounded first: _"—how do you know this? Who are you?"_

Then I heard someone else. They'd obviously used a voice changer to throw the listener off. _"I know her better than anyone. She's dangerous. Fang's chaos levels are off the charts. I bet you anything she'll infect someone on that precious world of yours. Once that happens, it'll be too late. Might as well get rid of her before she sets foot on your planet."_

"_You have proof that she's infected? Show me!"_

"_I'm forwarding the picture to you now. That's Fang, stuck in Elysium, the underworld. If any living person sets foot in that place, they're done for. She's gonna bring all of that with her. You don't want it spreading to your citizens, Lieutenant-Colonel. There'll be hell to pay if it does."_

Lumina stopped the recording. "Do you know who it is?" she asked.

"I have my suspicions, but they can't be right… The person's dialect sounds familiar. It doesn't make any sense. Is there some way you can bypass the voice changer?" She cleaned it up for me. When she played it again, there was no denying it. "There's no way Fang would implicate herself like this. It sounds just like her. That means it has to be Vespair that did this…"

"Yep," she said sadly. Lumina shut the recording off. I turned it over in my hands, wondering why… "I think she's up to something. I've tried keeping an eye on her, but she knows how to avoid me. She spends a lot of time in Luxerion. The Order of Salvation still isn't happy with you after what happened with Bhunivelze. With all the rumors spreading about your relationship, they're just as mad at Fang as they are with you. She might be pulling their strings."

"Why would she do this?" I asked, gripping my head. "Vespair made me think she was all about _protecting _Fang! Turning her in to PSICOM and messing with the Order of Salvation… That goes against everything she's been telling me!"

Lumina sat down next to me. "I know you don't want to hear this," she started, "But Vespair doesn't do anything without a good reason. I think she does want to protect Fang. There has to be something deeper to this. Something she won't come out and say. I'll keep watching her as best as I can. We'll get to the bottom of this!"

I stared at her in disbelief. "You got in my way so much back on Nova Chrysalia," I said. Lumina frowned in guilt. "What's changed? Why are you going out of your way to help me now?"

"I didn't like how much control Bhunivelze had over you," she explained. "You weren't yourself. I thought if I messed with you, you'd come to your senses. In a way, it worked. Now that you can make your own decisions, I'm on your side. You're my priority. I know Vespair feels the same way about Fang. I want to find out why she goes about it so differently…"

Lumina insisted that I calm down and think things though. I went to rest in my bed. She cleaned around the house, putting things back the way I wanted them. Snow and the others had visited while Fang and I were in the Sunleth Waterscape. I'd been too distracted by Serah moving out to notice. While I listened to her moving around in the other rooms, I realized something. Lumina really did have my back. If _she _thought Fang wasn't good for me, she wouldn't have held back her opinions. After all, Lumina was essentially my other half…and she had nothing bad to say about Fang, unlike my sister. That reassured me I was on the right path, no matter how much it hurt to remember Serah crying as she left earlier.


	8. Scapegoat

"_Anxious Heart" from Final Fantasy VII_

_**VIII. **__Scapegoat_

Immense emotional weight kept me in bed for nearly a week. I thought that this time apart would give me space to think. Instead, it turned into me missing Fang too much. I stayed in my room, in the dark, wishing I could go to her sooner. I spent hours on end fantasizing about her, about us. I couldn't get rid of this need to _be with her_. Nothing was official yet. One thing that cheered me up was the thought of asking her to be with me as soon as I got the chance. Hearing from Jihl also helped—she scheduled an appointment for us to meet in her office this afternoon. She also promised I could see Fang right after our meeting. Even though she mentioned that she had something very important to discuss with me, I was more focused on seeing Fang again.

I had about an hour before my meeting in Jihl's office at PSICOM's headquarters. I decided to make a stop on the way there. So much had been going on—I hadn't had the time to visit my parents' graves at the cemetery. I went to buy flowers first. After I picked out a bouquet, I noticed a single rose separated from everything else. The petals were the same blue as Fang's sari, and the rose itself was everlasting. The price was much steeper compared to the rest of the flowers. I bought it for Fang anyway, hoping she'd appreciate it. I planned on giving it to her when I asked her to be with me later that day.

When I arrived to the cemetery, it was somehow sadder than I thought it would be. Serah wasn't with me. That didn't help at all. I sent her a text as I made my way to the bench in front of the graves. Something simple: asking if she wanted to talk…

I sat down on the bench with my head down. For years—centuries—I'd thought about coming back here to see them. I imagined the sky would be overcast, and that there wouldn't be other people for miles around. Just my parents and me, here, yet still separated by the boundaries of life and death. There were clouds overhead, but not nearly as much as I'd pictured. The summer afternoon was humid through all the grey. The park across the street was filled with people—happy families; parents sitting on benches watching their kids, or playing with them. It pained me to watch them. It hurt even more to look away and see my parents' names carved in front of me.

"I'm not sure how much you know," I said to them. "Serah isn't here with me because she doesn't approve… She doesn't like who I'm falling for. But she doesn't understand. She has no idea how long it's taken me to get to this point with someone. After we lost both of you, I didn't know what to do. I shut down. I stopped feeling. I killed who I was and became who I am now. It's taken me so long to put the pieces back together, and yet there always has to be something in the way…"

Serah replied to my text: _"I can't talk right now. Mog wants to go shopping. Vanille and I are getting ready to meet him at the mall in Fashion Valley now. You can meet us there if you really want to discuss something with me. Unless you have other, more important things to do."_

Reading that from her in front of our parents hurt too much. I put my phone away without responding. I spent about half an hour longer, talking to headstones that couldn't say anything back. I told them as much as I could about Fang, if only to take my mind off of my sister.

During the drive to PSICOM's headquarters, I still felt uneasy. I had a bad feeling about this meeting that I couldn't explain. My latest depression might have had something to do with it. Jihl had said she'd update me on Fang's progress. That meant Fang was all right, and nothing had happened to her. Then again, I could never be sure of anything until I saw her with my own eyes. Even when I arrived to the building, everyone acted strangely. They avoided eye contact with me, for one. A lot of them tried to hide how much of a rush they were in to get from room to room. Every time I passed a TV monitor broadcasting the news, it mysteriously shut off before I could hear anything. The hallway leading to Central Command echoed from all the shouting going on in the room. Something was definitely up.

When I got to Jihl's office, she stood to greet me. I ignored all of her awards and medals on the walls, going straight to the chair in front of her desk. She had stacks of files there, all piled neatly. Most of them had Fang and Vanille's names on them. The rest were about Gran Pulse. There was one other file that looked like it didn't belong. She purposely hid it from my view before I could get a better look.

Jihl forced a smile. "How good to see you again, Savior," she said.

"Can we cut the pleasantries?" I asked, irritated. "What is going on here? Why is everyone on-edge?"

"I'm not authorized to disclose that information to you," she replied, clasping her hands over her desk. "It's strictly need-to-know. However, that is also why I called you to this meeting. If you agree to my previous offer, I will gladly explain the situation. Your responsibilities can be limited to overseeing Oerba Yun Fang's assimilation into Chrysalian society, pending her involvement in the Gran Pulse Relocation Project. That in itself is a great task, considering the circumstances."

"_What circumstances_?" I demanded. Jihl only gave me another wooden smile. "Fine. If you won't answer that, then tell me—is she hurt? Is she even here?"

"Your partner is doing just fine," she answered. My heart skipped a beat over the technicality. "She is here in the building, yes. Are you ready to accept my offer?"

I really didn't like this. It was as if I had no choice. "What authority would I have?"

Jihl showed me a legal form. "First, I would have you sign this in order to give you Power of Attorney over her affairs," she explained. I saw Fang's signature in Pulsian script at the bottom. "As you can see, she has already consented to you being her agent. You would work closely with me to make sure that she obtains all the necessary licenses required of her. Beyond that, I would require you to swear an oath of allegiance to the Gestalt. If you agree to protect the crystal-state of Cocoon, the Gestalt will grant you a remote seat of power in the chain of command—one similar to lieutenant-colonel. You could think of it as one of the many benefits of being our Savior. That would be your title. Simple enough, isn't it?"

"How would I protect Cocoon?" I asked. "And from what? There's nothing going on."

Jihl removed her glasses, tired all of a sudden. "Quite the contrary," she lamented. "As I said before, I can't give away any details. You would protect Cocoon more covertly. Think black ops. Your partner would be more than welcome to accompany you. We wouldn't want either of you in the spotlight. It might give our enemies unnecessary fuel to use against us."

"Enemies?! What enemies? Chrysalis is barely two months old! How can there be problems like this?"

Jihl said nothing. She slid a pen next to the POA document, letting that speak for her. Being Fang's agent and being part of the Gestalt's chain of command were one and the same. I couldn't be one while ignoring the other. I leered at her before picking up the pen. If this was some kind of trap, I wouldn't let them get away with it. I signed the form. After that, Jihl gave me the oath to swear: that protecting Cocoon was the same as protecting Fang's affairs. Without Bodhum, without the Gestalt's survival, the people would fall into anarchy. Some of them might decide to go invade Gran Pulse and claim it for themselves.

I agreed to the oath, more for Fang's sake than anything. This gave me the necessary power to make sure she had everything she needed. Jihl smiled, satisfied, and led me out of her office, down below the ground floor. During the elevator ride, Jihl explained the situation.

"There is no easy way to put this," she started. "Luxerion has declared war on Cocoon. The crystal-state of Nova Chrysalia as a whole has officially stated they are not involved, and that Luxerion is acting independently. The Order of Salvation suffered a grave bane when you returned with Fang from Elysium. Their leader fell ill from a chaos infection. The Secutors also claim that the Gestalt made a dire mistake in not consulting Nova Chrysalia before allowing Fang to land on the planet."

"And what about Fang?" I asked. "Do they plan on _punishing _her for this? What proof do they even have that it was her fault in the first place? Without that, it's nothing but a coincidence."

"I agree that she's become their scapegoat," replied Jihl. "They have no credible evidence that Paddra Nsu-Yeul's infection is one of chaos, let alone from Elysium." _Yeul? _Serah had told me that she and Noel went to Luxerion to see what they could do. If Yeul became their leader, then that meant Noel was involved somehow… "That isn't stopping the Order from making demands. They declared war because we refused to simply hand Fang over to them. It was my call, along with the Gestalt's scientists. Suffice to say, my colleagues are not pleased with our decision."

I would have never guessed that Jihl would do something like this. "How did you convince them to listen to you…?"

"I reminded them of Fang's importance to us," she answered. "She has helped our scientists make tremendous breakthroughs with their research on the fragments of memories. Many of Chrysalis' citizens are missing fragments. They all run the risk of their minds decaying without this research. I chose to place the citizens' well-being over placating the Order of Salvation. It was a utilitarian decision."

"You had to know that I wouldn't exactly be happy if you gave Fang to them. You've made it clear that the government needs my help."

Jihl smiled. "That went without saying," she added. "We've nearly arrived. As you could guess, I also had to make certain concessions in order to keep your partner here. You now have the authority to override those in any way you see fit."

When the elevator doors opened, I got an earful of Fang's threats echoing through the prison. I hurried down the stone halls with Jihl, noticing dozens of guards piled on the ground, writhing in pain. Fang obviously hadn't gone along with this peacefully. We found the Warden near Fang's holding cell. He spoke with a few medics, asking them to take care of the guards who'd made the mistake of trying to restrain Fang of all people.

"You'd better let me the fuck outta here _right now_!" yelled Fang. The Warden ignored her. "Hey, I'm talkin' to you! If you don't unlock this thing, my girl's gonna be just as pissed as I am! Do you know who the hell she is?! Do you know what the fucking _Savior _could do to your scrawny ass?!"

"Fang, I'm here!" I said to her. She calmed down when she saw me, smiling. "Are you all right? How long have you been down here for?"

"Like a whole day," she scoffed. "They moved me from another cell a few minutes ago. Wouldn't say why. This asshole won't let me out. Said somethin' about me bein' a bargaining chip! What the hell?!"

"Unlock this cell—now!" I shouted at the Warden. He gave me this nervous look, like he didn't know what to do.

Jihl cleared her throat. "Warden Thomas," she said, "You'll be pleased to know that the Savior has been promoted. Her officer status is the equivalent to lieutenant-colonel, effective immediately. You'd be wise to do as she says…unless you enjoy insubordination, that is. I can't imagine why you would!"

"Y-Yes, Lieutenant-Colonel, _Savior,_" he said, doing as he was told.

Fang sneered at him as she walked out the cell. "That's right, short-stuff—keep it movin'," she mocked as he walked away. Her eyes lit up when she regarded me again. "I can't remember the last time I was this glad to see you!" She held my face in her hands and kissed me full-on, unexpected. I widened my eyes and froze from the fluttering sensation in my chest. "C'mon, take me outta this damn place. Unless I've got _more _tests to do?"

Jihl covered her smile with her hand. "No, you're free to go," she replied. "We've moved your airship to a civilian hangar. Simply swipe the I.D. card we issued to you, and the doors will open. Dr. Estheim will call you for your next appointment. It will be within a few days, so try not to go off in search of more catalysts just yet."

"Yeah, that's fine," said Fang. "Thanks for lookin' out for me—as much as you could, anyway." She held my hand, guiding me back to the elevator. "You won't believe this! Those damn Secutors think it's _my fault _that their Yeul's about to keel over any day now. I thought you said she and Noel only went there to scope out the scene? She turned into their head priestess!"

"I only found out about this a few minutes ago. It doesn't make sense to me, either."

I had her rose up in the crystal of my garb. With everything going on, this wasn't exactly the best time to have that moment I planned for. I walked with Fang out to the parking lot. She asked me to drive her to where her Monoculus gang lived. The whole way, I listened to her rant about the war, and how unfair Luxerion was over everything. I enjoyed listening to her. Even the anger in her energy was infectious. It lifted me after spending the last few days without her. And yet I couldn't help this gaping feeling in the pit of my stomach. I knew that I'd go back to being depressed if I kept holding this question inside. I remembered the way she'd said earlier that I was her girl, but I still wanted to ask.

My navigation system must have been lying to me. From the address Fang gave me, the GPS took us to a club downtown, called the Scorpion. The bass from the music playing inside thrummed its way into my car. The same type of crowd from Nautilus' theater were here: leather, lace and fishnets, thigh-high and combat boots, dark makeup and a different edge about them.

"Fang, are you sure this is the place?" I asked. "It's a nightclub…"

"Sure I'm sure," she answered. "It's Snow's. On our flight back from Nautilus, he promised to hook us up. I said my boys would save up to buy half the club. After that, we'd get our cut in profits. In the meantime, he's lettin' us stay in one of the apartments above the club. It's the real deal."

I looked for a place to park. "Do you plan on living with them?"

"And give up livin' on the _Ragnarok_?! Hell no! Besides, some of 'em are too rowdy even for me. I'd rather live on our ship with Vanille. Speakin' of which, I've been callin' her and she won't pick up. You sure Serah taught her how to use this damned thing?"

"Vanille already said she's moving in with my sister…"

Fang's face fell. "What? She didn't say a word to me about that… Why didn't she tell me?"

I parked behind the club and turned the car off. I wished there was some way I didn't have to tell her this. "I'm not clear on why Vanille didn't tell you herself," I said. "A lot's changed. She and my sister have gotten close over the past few weeks. Serah isn't too happy with me anymore, either."

"Why not…?"

"My sister doesn't like you…"

Fang's whole demeanor slumped down. Hearing that cut her deeper than I thought it would. I'd assumed she would've been more upset about Vanille not communicating with her. I was surprised that she cared so much about what someone else thought of her. She normally didn't care about things like that. Because it was Serah, she must not have been able to help it. I couldn't figure out why. They'd hardly spoken to each other.

"Serah said that you're a bad influence on me," I went on. "I've been alone since you left…"

Fang held her hand out, cutting me off before I could say more. "No, don't tell me," she pleaded, looking away. "Don't… It hurts too much. I don't wanna know any more than you've already told me. It's all too damn much. I really wanted your sister to like me. I _needed _her to… I must've fucked everything up when she showed up outta nowhere outside Nautilus. I should've made some kinda effort. I didn't…"

Maybe I should have waited until _after _I'd asked her before telling her that. Now she was sad beyond belief. I went with her in the club through the back entrance. As we passed through to the flight of stairs, she reminded me in a low voice that I was a member of her gang. Business was business, and she wanted to get this taken care of before we spoke more. I tried to guess why she craved my sister's approval so much. No matter what Serah did, I wasn't going back on my decisions. She couldn't pressure me into walking away. Fang _knew_ that. I had no idea why she was so upset over this.

.

After the meeting, I drove Fang back to PSICOM's headquarters. I made my way past security and over to the hangar where the _Ragnarok _was. She insisted that she wanted to live there alone. I felt like there wasn't anything I could say or do to change her mind. It was comforting to know that she had her network of bandits looking for information on Luxerion—anything they could use to keep Fang aware of the Order's plans, to keep her safe. That didn't stop me from worrying about her.

"It's this one here," she said. I parked the car. "Look, Light, I've been thinkin'. I feel like maybe your sister's right. I've got bad habits, I'm the head of a gang _and _I'm Luxerion's number one public enemy. I don't want you bein' around me with this target painted on my back." I stared at her in disbelief. She didn't just say what I thought she said. "I know what you're gonna say—that you wanna protect me and all that. As much as I love your sense of honor, you can't protect me from a legion of Secutors who want my head. You shouldn't throw your family away for me, either. No one's worth that price…"

I wanted to scream at her. I wanted to pull her close and kiss her if it would make her shut up about this. Fang had no idea how hypocritical all of this was! It was perfectly fine for her to walk away from me, and yet she felt like I wasn't _right for her _because I might've walked away from her. It wasn't like her to _give up _like this. I was so baffled that I couldn't feel hurt. I couldn't say anything. I had no words.

Fang took my silence as an agreement and got out of the car. She walked away without looking back. She swiped her card next to the hangar door. When she went inside, she didn't close the door behind her. She left it open. If that wasn't a silent plea for me to go after her, I didn't know what was. I looked over to the passenger's door. I saw her tears over the surface, glittering in the light of the bright lamps. I got the rose from my crystal and followed her inside the airship.

My first instinct was to find the captain's quarters. She'd had me sleep in one of the communal rooms during my coma. Fang had no reason to be there. If she was upset, then she'd retreat to her own space. It bothered me to think about her living in this huge ship all by herself. It frustrated me to think about her running away from me now. She'd spent so long telling herself that she couldn't have everything she wanted with me. She must not have known how open I was to her. I was able to brush off that dream I'd had in Nautilus because I _wanted _her that much—I wasn't going to let anything drive me away from her.

I found her right where I knew she'd be. Fang had the door open, letting me see inside to the room's red-and-black scheme like the rest of the ship. She lay on her side in the king-sized bed, staring at the wall. Bane was fast asleep in a corner of the room. When Fang heard me walk inside, she sat up in surprise. Guilt was there in her eyes, but I couldn't be angry. I couldn't be upset with her. Deep down, I understood this change in her character. But at the same time…

"Did you think I was just going to let you walk away from me?" I asked. Fang averted her eyes. I went over to the side of the bed, handing her the rose. "I bought this for you today. It's everlasting, and it's the same color as your sari. I didn't expect any of this to happen today… All I wanted was to make you happy. I know you want the same thing."

Fang held the rose close to her chest. "This is real sweet of you, Light," she said. "But you know I'm no good. This is why I never said anything before. Now with all this shit goin' on…I don't know what to do."

"You can be with me instead of running away. I want you to. Will you?"

She didn't have an answer for me. Fang lay down over her back, smelling the rose. Emotions welled up in her eyes; she held them back as best as she could. I crawled on top of her. Fang stared at me, wide-eyed as I set her rose aside. I held her face in my hands the same way she did to me earlier; pressed my lips to hers with that same vigor, and more, making her _remember me. _Her chest hitched beneath mine. I tasted her feelings through her lips, her tongue and her soft breaths against mine.

I whispered through her mouth, "You have no idea… You don't know what I would sacrifice for you. You don't know who or what I would tear down for you." I pulled away enough to look at her looking up at me. Fang let me see all of her heart's anxieties through her eyes. "I don't care that all of Luxerion wants you dead. They're not taking you away from me. I won't let you isolate yourself from me because of them, _or _because of my sister. You mean too much to me. You are _everything_ to me, Fang. I need you to be with me—to be by my side. Please…"

Fang had me lie down next to her. "All right," she whispered back. "You win… I can't run from you. Not when you get like this… Stay the night with me. I haven't slept right since we were in that hotel. I missed you too much to sleep at all." I rested my head over her chest, breathing easy for the first time in days. "I just wanna know one thing before I close my eyes."

"What is it?"

"I'm not askin' you this 'cause I'm insecure. I'm only curious… Why do you like me so much? You and I are complete opposites. If it's got nothin' to do with that stupid law of attraction, then what is it?"

That was easy to answer. "You accept me as I am," I told her. "I don't have to justify myself to you. I don't have to worry about you misunderstanding me. When I lost my parents, I conditioned myself to stop feeling. You don't question why I am the way I am… It has this effect on me. You bring me back to how caring I used to be—at least on the inside. I want your truth and your honesty, no matter how bad you think it might be."

Fang smiled against my hair. "You told me somethin' like that back in Eden," she recalled. "That last night we all had together to rest. We were in that library, and you told me that about you and your folks… Is this what you really meant to say?"

"It was. The most I could tell you was that I loved you as a friend. Now that we have this, I can't go back to how closed-off I was with you. Let me into your world and I'll keep letting you into mine."

Even though Fang didn't say anything, I knew she was happy. She fell asleep with a contented smile on her face. I stayed awake for a few hours, listening to her breathe. My chest swelled from how grateful I was to have this time with her. After everything that went on today, I knew that things wouldn't be simple. There wouldn't be any time for us to fall into complacency. Instead, we had to deal with the opposite: not knowing what would happen tomorrow, or the day after that. I shook away my more negative thoughts about Luxerion and making them pay for this. That was out of my hands.

No matter the uncertainty, I felt my devotion growing for her all the same.


	9. Water, Lightning

_**IX. **__Water, Lightning_

Two months passed to the very end of summer. Jihl had advised Fang to stay in Bodhum for the more intensive testing she had to do. We'd found plenty of her catalysts around town in the meantime. Luxerion had been quiet this whole time. Too quiet. The Gestalt suspected they were up to something. Keeping tabs on the city day in and day out landed them with no new information. Vespair hadn't paid me any _visits _since I last saw her in Nautilus, either. I knew that she had to have her hand in whatever Luxerion's plans were. I tried to be grateful that nothing bad had happened. I still couldn't help but worry about Fang…

Somehow, not even my last battle against God compared to this. I had no control. I couldn't help her—not directly, not yet. All I could do was sit around and wait for Jihl to give me an order. Ignoring this helplessness was all I could do.

As the days passed, I felt it mounting inside of me. I needed to let it out.

That night, I was with Fang on the airship_. _We were in her room, going over a few grammar rules before she took the written exam for her driver's permit. I was in a sleeveless white T-shirt and shorts, lying on my side. Fang sat against my back with the book in her lap. The heat in Bodhum was worst at this time of the year. I felt her sweating against me. She had the air conditioner off to save power. I'd said earlier that I didn't mind, but now I started to feel like a dog in heat. I stared at the crimson wall through the soaked falls of my hair, listening to her.

"I'm gonna test you," she announced. I could _hear _the smile in her voice. "Remember how you said you hate run-on sentences? Use the proper terms to tell me when one usually pops up. Give me an example and how to correct it."

"Usually…when the second independent clause gives an order based on the first clause. _You have the money, spend it on something nice _is a common one. _You have the money, so spend it on something nice _is the right way to word the sentence. Or you could write each clause as separate sentences."

"How 'bout this—when's the best time to use _which _instead of _that_?"

"_That _is only used with restrictive clauses. _Which _is used when the clause has additional information."

"All right, smarty pants," said Fang, sitting up all of a sudden. "Since you're so sharp, I'm gonna up the stakes." I listened to her pull something metallic from underneath the bed. Then she blindfolded me. "Sit up and kneel over the bed." I didn't stop to question her. Fang spread my arms to either corner of the bed. She cuffed my wrists, chaining them to the bedposts. I automatically jerked my arms—the tension from the bondage kept me in place. I held my breath while she knelt in front of me. I smelled the sweat over her skin that much more. "This is much better. I've got you under my control now."

I yanked at the chains again. "What is this?!"

"It's nothin' fancy, babe," she answered, nonchalant. "I want you to be my bitch for a little while, that's all. You got a problem with that?" I heard her flip through the pages of the book again. I didn't have a problem with it… I was just surprised. "Good. Get this next one right and I'll take off the blindfold. Should be easy enough for you, right?"

"If that's what you want, I'll play along," I told her.

"Sorry to say—you don't got much of a choice," she said.

"You like that, don't you?" I asked.

Fang pressed her smile against my jaw. "You know I do," she whispered. "Here's a good one. I know it bugs you when you read somethin' in the passive voice. From a grammatical point of view, why is it annoying?"

"Because sometimes people use it to avoid responsibility. _Mistakes were made _instead of _I made mistakes _sounds like such a cop-out. It's fine to use it if no one knows whose responsibility it was."

Black fabric pulled back from over my eyes. "You weren't jokin' when you said linguistics was your favorite class in school," said Fang. My eyes went wide when I saw she'd taken her top off…except she held it close to cover her chest from my view. Vigor shot through me; I rattled my chains, trying to move closer to her. "No, none of that," she scolded, easing me back. "You stay right where you are. You're not allowed to move." She stared into my eyes, transfixed by the lust in me. "When's the right time to use an apostrophe with a word that ends in S?"

I felt my frustration _that much more_ from her teasing me like this. "That isn't fair," I protested. "There _is _no set rule for it. How am I supposed to answer this?"

Fang lowered her top just enough to ignite me again. "Pick your favorite rule," she suggested.

My thoughts were hazy from what I wanted to do to her. I forced myself not to move. She knew how difficult this was for me. She did it on purpose. Going over grammar of all things was only a drop in the background. Fang hadn't let me anywhere near her, sexually, this whole time. She loved teasing me. I couldn't help falling for it every time. I tried to steady myself to answer her question. If I let this get to me, she'd find some way to use it against me. Even though I liked that for some reason…I wanted to see where this would lead.

"If the word isn't a proper noun, I'll write it as a plural, and then add the stand-alone apostrophe at the end…"

Fang smiled in satisfaction. "Well, that wasn't too hard, now was it?" she asked. After she set the book aside, she smoothed her hand over my lap. It took everything in me to not struggle against my chains from the hidden meaning in her touch. "Lightning, I don't even have to look at you to know how hot you are…" She smoothed up to my arm coated in sweat, looking me over. "I meant the pun, too. You never wanna take off your shirt or nothin'. What do you got against showin' some skin, hm?"

"I'd rather not," I muttered.

"Yeah, but _why_?"

"I'm not used to it."

Fang lay down on her side, curling her legs close—so feline. "We're hittin' the beach tomorrow for Snow's end-of-summer bash thing," she reminded me. "Picture it: you and me, in bathin' suits, havin' a good old time with all our friends. We're gonna get there in style, play around, then head on Snow's private yacht around nighttime. It'll be fun! You get to show me off and everything."

"You have an appointment at Draklor tomorrow," I said, trying to stay calm.

"Nope! I'm playin' hooky with Hope," she said. I frowned at her. "Oh, c'mon! If Dr. Estheim's comin' with us, it's all good. It's the last day of summer! In case you forgot, it only happens once a year."

My pulse pounded through my head. I didn't give a damn about tomorrow—not with Fang in front of me like this. I breathed in, and out, remembering her rule. I did my best to control myself. Fang's smirk showed me how amused she was. She moved closer to me. Her lips against mine distracted me; she dropped her shirt between us. On purpose, Fang kept her chest away from mine, agonizing. White-hot want burned through me. I couldn't think anymore. All I wanted was her. _She knew it._ She wouldn't unchain me. Fang laughed softly into my mouth. I poured my want through her—as best as I could without moving into her.

Fang moved to breathe in my ear, "I've been thinkin' about that little rule I made. The one about no sex until we're in love." My heart picked up, hopeful. She held me around my shoulders, first, clawing her nails up to my scalp; breathing in my anticipation the whole time. "Whenever you're not here, the sheets you're sittin' on are soaked from how much I want you. I could make you fuck me right now—I know I can. But vanilla sex…it can get boring after a while. I don't wanna risk that happening."

"What are you saying…?" I asked.

"I'm sayin' I'll give it up earlier _if _you surprise me."

Vespair's so-called advice flashed through my mind. She was right…

"Obviously," she went on, "You ain't gonna catch me off guard tonight. I'm lettin' you know now…" Fang made me lean my head back, forcing me to stare up at the ceiling. She turned her back to me. She spread her legs so that her thighs were on either side of mine. When she sat against my lap, I sucked my breath in. "Time it right. Scare me. Push me to that edge. Make me _feel _somethin' I've never felt before." Slowly, she moved, grinding her hips against mine. I tensed my whole body to keep from _moving_. She sighed, reaching behind to hold my head in her arms. "You get to have all the power, Lightning." I couldn't stop myself from imagining her underneath me. "Every little thing you've held back from me over the years—you can take it out on me." Every wet dream I'd had of her pooled into my thoughts—tension rising, rising from her moving over me. "I'll let you fuck me until the bed breaks—"

I snapped. I pulled at my chains with everything I had, fully set on breaking loose. I wanted to push her down over her back and make her stop _teasing_. At the last second, I remembered myself. I broke her rule. I nearly broke her bed, too. Fang circled behind me. To my surprise, she unlocked my handcuffs. Then she pushed me face-first down over her bed. She straddled my waist, taking my wrists in her hands. I winced at the bruises there. She kissed them, laughing softly at me.

"Someone's horny," she said, amused. "That's gonna leave a mark. Didn't I tell you not to move?"

"I'm sorry," was all I could say.

Fang smoothed her hands up and down my back. "I've been teasin' you for weeks, haven't I?" she asked. "There's only so much you can take… I like that. I like knowin' I've got this effect on you. When we go to the beach tomorrow, I expect you to be on your best behavior! Wouldn't want people askin' too many questions…"

.

The next day, Fang and I met all of our friends near Seventh Heaven. NORA, the Monoculus gang, Snow, Hope, Sazh, Serah and Vanille drove to Mission Beach with us. Snow insisted that I used one of his motorcycles, with Fang seated behind me. He and Gadot rode their motorcycles in front of us, leading the way down the crowded streets. It seemed like all of Bodhum was outside, partying in every other house, cars blasting music, and people playing team sports in the parks we passed by. Because of how hot it was, Fang insisted on me wearing one of her silk sleeveless tanks, and a pair of board shorts and sandals. I couldn't pull off the black two-piece she had on. We had on matching silver aviators, at least. I felt Fang's smirk against my neck as she held me from behind. I noticed myself smiling, too. Listening to the sounds of the motorcycle engines and having Fang with me like this—it was too good to pass up.

Even though Serah hadn't warmed up to her at all, I knew Fang still looked forward to having a good time today. When we all stopped at a traffic light, I glanced over at my sister driving her silver sedan not too far from me. Serah stared at me, tight-lipped, from behind her huge sunglasses. Vanille had made me promise not to tell Fang that it was her fault Serah was like this. There must have been something else I could do to fix things.

"Now _this _is how you make an entrance!" said Fang, as we neared the beach. "There's a mini-Nautilus here too?! That rollercoaster is huge!"

Snow turned to grin at us. "Just wait 'till you see the beach! We're gonna get some surfing in later!"

"Surfing? The hell is that?"

"You'll see," answered Snow. "I swear you'll love it! Trust me!"

Fang held me tighter around my wait. "What's he on about, babe?" she asked. "And how does he know I'll like it?"

"You'll see," I repeated.

"Yeah, you'd better show me what it is."

"I don't know how to surf, Fang," I said, shaking my head. I didn't know how to swim, either… "Snow and Gadot can teach you. I know you'll pick up on it quickly."

When we made it to the amusement park, Fang was so excited about seeing everything. She smelled the warm cinnamon of the churro stand and asked to try one. I bought one for each of us. I held her hand while we walked around, telling her stories about how I used to come here with my family. Fang didn't want to ride any of the rides. She listened to me instead, mostly asking questions about what Serah liked to do there. She seemed subdued whenever she noticed my sister nearby. Because of that, she waved off Snow's challenge to race Go-Karts with the others. I had us go inside the arcade to cool off. Fang sat nearby, cheering up a little while she watched me play video games. I earned enough tickets to win a big Bahamut plushie for her. She held it close and put it in one of her crystals for safekeeping. I didn't even mind that everyone in the arcade stared at us when she kissed me.

About an hour later, everyone went across the boardwalk to the beach. NORA had a game of beach volleyball going against Fang's Monoculus gang already. Everyone else picked a spot in the sand to lounge around in. Snow brought over his surfboards to teach Fang the ropes. She accepted one of the boards, up for the challenge this time.

"You comin'?" she asked me.

"Go ahead," I replied. "I'll be right here."

Fang grinned. "What, you scared of the ocean?" she teased. "I know you're on-call for the Gestalt and all, Light. I _really _doubt Jihl's gonna call you to see where I am. You can chill out for a bit, can't you?"

I looked past her to the ocean. "Water conducts electricity."

"Ohh, I see," said Fang, pointing at me. "That's code for _I can't swim_! Why didn't you say so?"

I sighed and said, "It's not something I'm exactly proud of."

Fang ran her hand down my face. "We all gotta learn some time, sweet pea."

Snow waved to her from the shore. "Hey, Fang!" he called. "You ready to learn the ropes? High tide's coming in soon! Let's get a bet going. If you can handle the first big wave, I'll ditch my shorts and swim in the water. If you can't, _you_ have to swim with no top on! Just like one of the guys, right?!"

Fang burst out laughing. "You're on!" she said, running after him.

I smiled, watching them go in the water together. I noticed Hope and Sazh resting over their towels not too far away. They waved me over. I went to lie down with them and talk for a while. Yuj eventually dragged them over to join the volleyball game going on. As soon as Hope and Sazh left, Vanille came over to sit next to me. We sat in silence for a few minutes. I kept my eyes to Fang getting the hang of the smaller waves with Snow's help.

"Has she asked you anything?" said Vanille. "About Serah…"

"No. I wish you'd tell her yourself."

Vanille held her knees close to her chest. "Fang would never speak to me again if she knew."

"You two barely talk as it is," I pointed out. Vanille sighed heavily. "I don't see what the big deal is. You told me yourself—nothing you told my sister was out of spite. Serah just asked one too many questions and formed an opinion about her. Why is that so terrible? Why are you running away from this?"

"_Face it later_," she recited. "I know you haven't really experienced this about her. Fang hates when people gossip about her. If she knew that this is all _my _fault, she'd only get angry with me."

"Yeah, and _me _for not telling her sooner."

"I'm sorry I put you in the middle of this. Serah isn't the same person from before, either. The fragments of memories she's missing have affected her, too…"

I saw Serah up on the boardwalk, along the cement half-wall in front of the beach. There was some guy talking to her. He had military-cropped blond hair and a pair of black board shorts on. I could tell he worked out at the gym a lot. From the way he leaned toward Serah, I could tell he was interested in her. Out of curiosity, I turned back to look at Snow. He noticed them, too, and lost his concentration, falling off his surfboard into the water. Fang frowned and lay down over her board, asking him what was up. Snow faced away from the boardwalk, gesturing to Serah and the mystery man.

"I honestly don't recognize my sister anymore," I finally said. "Why are you hanging around her if you know she's changed? Why are you living with her for that matter?"

Vanille forced a smile. "She needs support," she replied. "I think she's jealous of your relationship. I'm happy for the two of you. Serah hasn't adjusted in the same way. She expected the two of you to go back to being as close as you were before. I shouldn't have said that Fang prefers to have things her way. Now Serah thinks you're in danger of losing yourself. I've no clue what a narcissist is…"

"There are different types," I answered. Vanille tilted her head to one side, interested in hearing more. "It's all about self-importance with them. They lack empathy especially when they choose to talk down on someone. If you get into an argument with one, they'll usually say something like, _No, this is about me! _They contradict themselves a lot, too. I used to run into them all the time in the military."

Vanille went too quiet for me to feel comfortable with. "Fang used to be that way," she whispered. "I would try to point it out to her. In the end, she only made me feel bad about myself. She used to say nasty and mean things about anyone who tried to compete against her back in our village, as if they should have known better. She worked _so _hard to succeed… There was something she used to say: _If I'm not the best at one thing, then I'm the worst at everything. _I like to think she grew out of that. Serah seems to think that it's something Fang is only hiding from you."

"How could she hide a personality disorder?" I asked. "I think I would have noticed it by now."

"Well, there are lots of ways to tell," replied Vanille. "Is she happiest when you do things for her, instead of the other way around?" My face burned from the truth. I couldn't answer. "If you two get into an argument, are _you_ always the one that has to go to her and smooth things over?" Again… "If you try to tell her how you feel about something, does she override it with her own feelings instead of listening to you?" That was something she used to do a lot a long time ago. Not so much anymore, but still. "I see…"

High tide arrived. Snow and Fang made their way over to tackle the height together. It looked like Fang had it down without issues. Soon after, she fell off her board. Snow cheered while he rode the rest of the wave.

"Looks like Fang lost the bet," I said.

Vanille smiled as Fang laughed it off. "At least she's being a good sport about it." She checked her phone, then turned around to look at my sister. "Oh, Serah's asking me to meet her new friend. Is it just me, or does he kind of look like Snow? A more serious version of him…"

I didn't want to turn around and stare at him. "He did look like him, yeah. But, Vanille…promise me you'll talk to Serah about this. Fang isn't a bad person. I don't like being in this argument with my sister. I want the two of them to get along. You need to do something."

"I'll do what I can!" she said, skipping over to the boardwalk. "See you on the yacht later!"

I decided to do a search on the internet on my phone. Hearing that word again—narcissist—had piqued my interest. I did some more reading on the topic. If Fang really was like that, then it would explain why I used to get so pissed off at her. There was a certain selfishness I'd sensed from her before. I was so engrossed into my research—I barely noticed that Fang had taken off her top and went to swim in the water. I only looked up when I saw that Snow widened his eyes and blushed when he saw her get in. I scowled at him. Even I hadn't seen her chest like that, and she was my girlfriend. I brushed it off and went back to reading.

If this was some weird time warp and we were all l'Cie again, I would have agreed with all of this. Vanille did know her the best. If _this _was what Fang didn't want to show me about herself—not her sexual preferences—then I wouldn't have known how to handle it. So far, things between us had been fine. I say fine, but I really meant unbalanced. As long as I did things for her and treated her a certain way, we had no problems. Fang was never ungrateful or anything like that… I just got the distinct sense that she loved me fawning over her. I didn't want to believe that it had something to do with a personality disorder. I didn't want to think that she mainly wanted me for my obedience. I knew that was what Serah thought—she was afraid of that possibility, whether it was real or not.

When I put my phone away, the sun had nearly set all the way. Snow's yacht pulled into the pier across the way. I noticed Fang's bikini top was in the sand. She was still swimming around in the water with Snow. I went to pick up her top, taking it to the sinks along the boardwalk. I didn't want it to be covered in sand whenever she decided to put it back on. I felt Serah's eyes on the back of my head, too. She wasn't too far away, talking to that guy with Vanille. I didn't want her to introduce me to him. I had a feeling it would have been another repeat of when I met Snow the first time. I hadn't taken him seriously at all, and his stupidly optimistic attitude had pissed me off. He wasn't so bad anymore. Five hundred years of living with all that chaos in his heart had strangely made him more tolerable.

"Where's my top?!" yelled Fang from the shore. I made the mistake of turning around. She had her arms crossed over her bare chest. "Lightning! It was you!" Fang rushed straight at me. I had no idea why that made me take off running down the boardwalk. "You sneaky little bitch! Give it back to me!"

People we passed by cracked up laughing at us. I was so focused on staying ahead of her that I didn't realize what was so funny—not right away. Then I imagined what it must have looked like. Fang chased after me at full speed with her arms covering her breasts. Meanwhile, I had her bikini top in my hand, running away from her like this was all a prank. Fang laughed to the winds as she kept after me. Her laughing made _me _laugh. I had to slow down. I made a turn to the outdoor showers to catch my breath. She cornered me in one of the stalls, pressing my back against the cold tile, trying to wrestle her top from my hands.

"Damnit, Light!" she cursed between laughter. "Give me my top! You're such a fucking joker! Why did you steal this from me?"

I couldn't stop laughing. "I didn't _steal _it!"

Fang finally pried it from me. "Then why did you run away?!" she asked in good-humor. "God, I can't believe you! Now help me tie this back on." She turned around for me to tie the strings over her back. I smiled against her shoulder as I did it. "I bet everyone's pissed themselves laughing at us!"

"They probably won't let you live it down," I added.

"Oh, great! Just what I need," she said, grabbing my hand. "Let's head over to the yacht. If you weren't my favorite person in the world, I'd have taught you a lesson by now. You're lucky."

.

Snow's private yacht took us on a cruise not too far from the ocean's shore. Downtown's spires were in view, including PSICOM's headquarters towering over all of them. Fang lounged with me in a recliner in the shade, sharing a strawberry martini with me. I listened to everyone partying behind us. Music blasted from the dance room, people took turns jet skiing over the ocean, and others stood around talking over everyone else. There was some drama going on from Serah bringing that guy onboard with her. Snow hadn't made a scene over it. He sat in another chair not too far away, chatting with a bunch of women in skimpy bikinis. Gadot was nearby, asking one of them to hook-up with him downstairs.

"Boys will be boys," said Fang, shaking her head.

Gadot laughed. "Don't forget you're one of us now!" he told her. "After that display earlier…"

Fang flipped him off from over her shoulder. "Yeah, yeah—laugh it up!" she bit back. Gadot wandered off with one of the women, leaving us alone. "Anyway. What the hell is with that guy Serah brought? Snow's outta his damn mind, actin' like the perfect host instead of kickin' his ass."

"I don't know," I answered. "I get the feeling this wasn't part of their agreement."

"He looks like a right prick, too," she said, turning to get a better look at him. "Whatever. It's none of my business. If Snow's not gonna do anything about Board Shorts over there, then that's his loss." Fang rested her head over my shoulder. "I just wanna be here with you. It's sunset, there's music playin', and the wind feels nice. I could get lost here. I almost don't wanna go home later."

"I'm surprised you haven't asked me to dance."

Fang chuckled. "And why would I do that?" she asked. "You ain't the dancin' type. You're too cool for that, aren't you? Have you _ever _danced with anyone before?"

"I slow-danced with Serah once or twice," I replied. "I was her chaperone for her high school's prom. We danced there. That's about it."

"That don't count," said Fang. "Remember how I had my hips over you last night? Try that, but standin' up, and in the middle of a dance floor. Grinding—fucking with clothes on. _That's _what I mean. You've never done that, have you?" I shook my head. Fang hummed in amusement. "I kinda like the idea of givin' you a lap dance in public. We can do that the next time we go to a club."

Mog floated over to us. He had on too-big sunglasses, a bright pair of shorts, and a pint-sized cocktail in his hand. "Lightning, Fang!" he said. "I've been looking for you all over, kupo!"

Fang beamed at him. "Those are some nice shades you got on," she commented. "You here with your friends?"

"Yes, kupo!" said Mog, just as a dozen of his moogle friends came over. "We're here to party! But there's something else, kupo… Ever since that chaos vortex showed up in our village, strange things have happened. Strangers in weird armor have been showing up to spy on us, kupo. Everykupo got scared and ran back to Bodhum! We haven't been back in the village since then, kupo…"

"Armor?" I asked. "What kind of armor?"

"Hmm, they have pointy helmets, kupo. Their eyes glow yellow and the rest of their armor is really dark. It looks nothing like PSICOM or the Guardian Corps, kupo. They must be outsiders!"

"Outsiders, huh?" asked Fang. "Sounds like the Secutors are pokin' around your village. They're Luxerion's police force. The hell do they think they're doin'?"

Mog frowned. "I don't know, kupo," he said sadly. "We have to go back soon. Everykupo will run out of food if we stay here for too long! If it's not too much trouble, could you please help us, kupo? Maybe if they see you there, they'll leave us alone."

"Of course, Mog," I promised. "When are you heading back?"

"On Monday, kupo! We're staying at Lebreau's café until then. Could you pay us a visit after that?"

"Yeah, sure," said Fang. "That's next week. If they're still hangin' around there by then, that means they really are up to somethin'. We'll get 'em outta your village—don't you worry."

"Oh, thank you, kupo! We knew we could count on you! We'll see you then!"

Fang and I waved goodbye to Mog and his friends. They passed by a scene that had started somewhere behind us. Serah's new friend and Snow had gotten into it. Board Shorts laughed at Snow for letting him on the yacht. Snow rammed his shoulder into the guy's chest, taunting him right back. Both of them had clearly had a drink or two. Bad judgment mixed with alcohol would inevitably lead to a fist fight.

"For fuck's sake," complained Fang, standing up. "These damn meatheads… Your sister ain't doin' jack shit to stop it! C'mon, babe."

I followed behind her, asking, "Are you sure this is a good idea? Snow can take care of himself."

"Not when he's had too much to drink," she pointed out. Fang stepped in between both men. "Hey, cut it out! Some of us are tryin' to have a nice time without this dick-waggin' contest goin' on. Do you mind?"

Snow stumbled back against a window. "This is _my _problem!" he argued. "I don't need you in the middle of it!" Serah finally pulled her friend away, going downstairs with him. "You didn't _say _you wanted to date other people! Hey, Serah! Are you listening to me?! Did you forget you're still wearing the engagement necklace I gave you?! I've loved you for over _five hundred years_! And now you're going to fuck some guy you met five minutes ago!?"

"Snow," I said to him. His breath hitched; he forced himself not to cry in front of everyone. "You need to let it go. She's obviously changed—"

He stormed off in another direction, pushing his way through the crowd. I was about to go after him—until I noticed smoke out of the corner of my eye, coming from Bodhum. PSICOM's headquarters had lit up in flames. Fang grabbed me from behind and held me tight, both of us staring at what had happened. The people around us screamed, most pulling out their phones to call loved ones in town. I felt my helplessness overwhelm me all over again. If Fang had been in that building, then…

"Lightning!" called Hope. He found his way to me through everyone panicking around us. "I just got word that it's a terrorist attack! Luxerion's found a way to make l'Cie! They sent one of them on a kamikaze mission. Apparently this was only a warning…"

Fang groaned. "Fuck, did they _know _I was supposed to be there?!" she yelled.

"It would seem so, yes… They've also hacked our systems. They'd have your appointment schedule…"

"What the hell!?" I blurted, surprising myself. "How am I supposed to count on you to keep Fang safe if _this _happens!? You got hacked and you didn't even know? Is the government that incompetent?!"

Hope raised his hands in front of him. "I only got the call about this just now!" he insisted.

"You think that makes it any better?!" I shouted at him. Hope staggered back, away from me. "I'm already at my wit's end from not having any real power, Hope! Do you know how I feel every time I drop Fang off at that building, leaving her in your hands? Do you know how much sleep I've lost, not knowing _what _Luxerion is plotting, because no one's giving me any orders to find out!? And now the building _she was supposed to be in __**right now **_is destroyed!"

Fang held me back. "Babe, you don't gotta chew him out for this," she said softly. "It's not his fault. You wanna be pissed at someone? Take it out on Luxerion. They're the ones who did this, not him."

I relaxed in her hold. "I know," I muttered. "I'm sorry, Hope."

Hope lowered his head. "I'm sorry, too, Light," he answered. "You're right—we should have known about this. We weren't prepared. We assumed that maybe they backed down when we hadn't heard anything more from them. That was a terrible mistake… Looks like we're headed back to shore now."

My phone went off in my pocket. "This is Jihl now," I said, picking up. "I saw what happened… Are you all right? You weren't in the building, were you?"

"_I'm quite all right. Fortunately, I was in a strategy meeting with General Raines aboard the _Lindblum. _Ironically enough, this has become PSICOM's new headquarters in the midst of the attack. I wish I could say we were completely blindsided this evening. Perhaps then I would feel less…responsible."_

"What do you mean?"

"_Luxerion's engineers weren't the ones who hacked our system. During the cyberattack, we found traces of chaos. You mentioned Fang's chaos-counterpart a few weeks ago. Did you not say that this entity holds a certain grudge against her?"_

"Something like that… You think this was her plan?"

"_The first files that were stolen were all of Fang's Draklor appointments. The second files pertained to the higher-ups' meeting off-site. And then a l'Cie bombs the building—the empty, topmost floor—when Luxerion knows by now that our labs are underground. This was clearly a direct taunt, and a personal one at that. Luxerion had no intention of killing anyone. We were in the midst of coming up with a plan of attack when this happened."_

"Jihl, why didn't you tell me about this?" I asked. "I'm about to pull my hair out. Luxerion's playing around with us, and now they might have an army of l'Cie! You knew who was responsible… You could have told me something."

"_I apologize, Savior… Rosch has been most inflexible about allowing you to know these things. General Raines and I have finally drilled some sense into him. I'll have orders for you tomorrow. Try not to worry about this. After what happened, I know it is all the more difficult to trust me. Know that I'm doing all that I can."_

"All right, thanks," I said, before hanging up. Slowly but surely, anger filled me all over again. This was all Vespair's doing…

I held Fang in my arms as we neared the shore. She didn't need to know about this. If her own demon wanted her dead, I couldn't tell her. If there was some part of her that _enjoyed _this destruction and chaos, and Vespair embodied it, then _I _didn't want to know. Knowing this much already brought me down. Knowing this much brought on these violent thoughts—of me finding Vespair through the darkness and cutting her down. I wanted to kill her if it would make all of this stop. I wanted to end her life if it would keep Fang safe. I wanted it just as much as I wanted, _needed _Fang by my side.

And then I saw her through the thin clouds of chaos in my mind. She sat over the crystal throne in The Ark of my thoughts, just as Lumina used to do. She crossed her legs and smirked at me. Vespair knew I couldn't do anything…

"_Hurts, don't it?" _she asked. _"The harder you hold onto her, the harder it'll hurt when somethin' finally happens. She ends up hurt, or you get separated… Ain't that why you avoided gettin' close to people before? You didn't want to deal with the pain when you inevitably lost them."_

"_Damn you!" _I yelled back. _"Why are you doing this to her?! You could have killed her today, and you don't care! Leave her alone!"_

"_Why should I? Clingin' onto Fang won't stop life from happenin'. Screamin' and yellin' at people only shows how weak you are." _She jumped down from the throne. I stopped myself from falling to my knees. She was right—I didn't want her to be right— _"You're powerless, Lightning. Bein' Etro's Warrior Knight; bein' Bhunivelze's puppet, and a l'Cie before all of that: you were nothin' but a pawn, every time. Without someone to hold your strings, you're worthless."_

In that mental space, I unsheathed my _Masamune _and cut through her. Again and again I sliced through air, through chaos and darkness, failing to faze her. Vespair laughed and faded to black. I blinked those thoughts away. Even with Fang by my side, she could have disappeared in the wake of my weakness. With part of the world out to get her like this, I knew Fang's doubts came up again. I watched them waver in her eyes burning in the sunset. I already promised her I wouldn't leave her because of Luxerion. After what Vespair said, I had to make another decision—one that was more personal for me.

I brought Fang home with me, thinking the whole way. If she and I stayed on this plane we were on, it would have been fine…in a normal world. If I wasn't afraid of waking up one day without her, then things could have progressed at this pace. There was the matter of this cliff…it overlooked everything I'd never allowed myself to have. True devotion and love. If I fell into this with her, there was no going back. If I didn't, I risked growing apart from her—but I would be safe from that inevitable pain.

If I jumped, I'd want to find some way to kill that inevitability, even if it was impossible. Making the impossible possible was our Focus years ago. I never thought I would see the day when it came up again—definitely not like this.


	10. Ex Machina

_**X. **__Ex-Machina – I wish I wasn't_

The next day, I rode alone in an automated cruiser that took me to the _Lindblum_—the Guardian Corps' airship headquarters in the sky. After the attack, PSICOM was stationed there temporarily. Jihl's orders were for me to attend a meeting with her, Yaag Rosch and Cid Raines aboard the airship. They finally had more information for me about this war. I stared out the window to the clouds, lost in my thoughts. I hadn't been able to sleep last night at all. I'd stared at my ceiling for hours on end, realizing what Serah had meant when she moved out. She had the wrong idea about Fang—judging her from how she used to be in the past wasn't fair, and I hated myself for letting Vanille influence me yesterday. But there was something else my sister had said that refused to get out of my head.

_You'll bend over backwards to please someone or take care of them, setting aside your own needs. _

Lumina appeared in the seat next to me, kicking her legs in the air. "Do you even _know _what you need?" she asked. "Oh, Lightning…somewhere down the line, you turned into a machine. Isn't it easier to follow orders than to think and feel like a _normal _human being?" I leaned my burning forehead against the window, ignoring her. "Hey! Are you listening?!"

"I don't want to talk about this."

"Of course you don't!" said Lumina. "That's why I'm here. Who else are you gonna talk to? _Your sister_? She's ignoring you for Board Shorts now, in case you forgot. Oh! _Maybe _you could talk to Fang about it!" Too-loud silence filled the small space between us. Lumina sighed. "I knew you'd get like this…"

"Do you have any information for me about Luxerion?" I asked. "_Vespair_? You had to have known she was going to send a l'Cie to bomb PSICOM's headquarters. You did nothing to stop it."

Lumina rolled her eyes. "Is that all I am to you? Your errand-girl? It's not my job to play God."

"If you can't keep Fang safe, then you're worthless to me. Leave me alone."

Lumina brushed my words off entirely. "You know, I found out why Vespair is doing this," she said coolly. "That's why I'm letting her do what she wants. I _was _going to tell you. Since you want to be a royal bitch, I'm not telling you anything. You can figure it out all by yourself! In the meantime, you can keep crippling yourself like an emo kid instead of living your life."

"What the hell do you know?!" I bit back. Lumina smirked at me like she didn't give a damn about how mad I was. I went over to her, grabbing the arms of her chair to let her know that I was serious. "You say I turned into a machine. The part of myself that I killed—it lives inside of you now. Without it, I can't function like anyone else. I'm not expressive, and whatever emotions I _do _have are locked in different places. The worst part is that Fang knows—she knows without a word and she doesn't judge me for it. That's why _I _have to set the pace; why _I _have to be the one to go to her; why _I _need to move things forward, because if she tries, and I don't react the way she wants me to, I'll break her heart! I want to be human for her so badly. And you don't understand. You don't know why I care so much about her safety…"

Lumina smiled brightly. "But I do know," she claimed. "If she isn't safe, then you won't let yourself fall for her. You could wake up one day and she'd be dead. The pain would be too much for you. If she _is _safe, then you still won't."

"How can you say that?" I asked. "It doesn't make any sense."

"Well, let's put things into perspective," she suggested. "When you and your friends were l'Cie, it was easy for you to bury your feelings. The peace between you two acted like a seal over your emotions. Vespair came in right on time and helped you break that seal. Now that there's all this chaos between you and Fang, you cling to her in small amounts. It's that uncertainty over losing her one day…deciding whether or not you should fall and risk getting hurt… It's opening you up, but you can't handle it."

The _Lindblum _came into view up ahead. I didn't have time to finish this conversation with her. I had no idea if she was right or not. Lumina made it sound like I only wanted Fang because of Vespair, and my sense of duty. If that was true, then I was no different from a machine that did what it was told to do. Feeling on command. Not feeling when it wasn't needed. Feeling for her when it made her happy. Feeling enough, and more, over time, because she pulled me just so. But I knew that there was something more than that keeping me with her. I _knew, _and I was terrible at letting it be.

Lumina waved goodbye to me as the cruiser approached the landing dock. "Don't let your passions keep hiding from you!" she said. "It's easier to show them when you sign yourself away to the government to keep her safe. That's not everything, you know."

She disappeared before I could ask her what she meant. Then again, I already knew. I'd been thinking too much, creating problems out of thin air, and for what? Fang was better at this than I was. As I made my way to the _Lindblum, _I remembered that dream I had about being in her body. I passed by Guardian Corps officers saluting me, not paying them any mind. One of them showed me the way to Central Command. I felt fragmented between paying attention to the path ahead and thinking-feeling about Fang—about whether or not I was still a machine that wasn't worthy of her. Her emotions were so much louder than mine. I admired that about her. The whole time during that dream, her heart had been in overdrive. I only felt like that in the morning as soon as I woke up, when I was purest—untainted by reminders of my problems. She must have sensed those differences between us by now. I did have that to compare myself with. If I kept at it, I wouldn't chase these thoughts away.

Deep in her core, there was something there…something I couldn't put my finger on. It fueled the chaos in her spirit and the fearlessness in her blood. I'd felt it when we first met in Palumpolum. Fang would never let me see what it was. The only time I'd gotten close to it was when we were in Nautilus, during that play. I hadn't been able to stop myself from clawing at it.

I wanted to devour it whole.

I didn't know why…but it was a waste of time trying to figure that out. If Fang were here, she would have told me to stop thinking so much. I had to be okay with not figuring something out for once and letting it be.

A weight lifted itself from my shoulders as I entered the air-conditioned Central Command room. Cid had me take a seat at one of the ends of the war table. Jihl and Rosch sat at either side of me, handing me a few folders to look through. Countless radars along the walls tracked enemy ship movements through Nova Chrysalia. The largest monitor in the center showed news footage of the Secutors leading a march through Luxerion for propaganda against Cocoon. The long war table in the middle of the room had a map of the world, along with four crystal figurines spread out over the continents.

"Savior," greeted Cid, standing near the monitors. "Lieutenant-Colonel Nabaat passed along the message concerning your frustration with being kept in the dark. I must apologize for our silence in recent months. We had to make absolute certain that our information was legitimate before letting you know of any new developments. It has been difficult to ascertain any intel coming in and out of Luxerion."

"Why is that, exactly?" I asked.

Cid changed the centermost monitor from the news to a collection of documents covered in chaos. "The information has been largely tampered with," he explained. "It seems that someone has gone to extreme lengths to keep us in the dark. The entity you mentioned, Vespair, is our prime suspect. Naturally, it has been difficult to track her movements. Not to mention Luxerion's external defenses: all agents we sent to the city have died in streaks of fire while attempting to breach their crystal-barrier."

"I'm guessing Cocoon doesn't have one of those," I said. "Their l'Cie wouldn't have been able to get to Bodhum otherwise."

"That is correct," answered Cid. "If we're to gain any footing in this war, we must first activate our crystal-barrier. From then on, Vespair will no longer be able to thwart our discovery process, and we can plan our next move from there." He gestured to the map on the war table. "Our current map shows where each of the four Crystals of Chrysalis are located. There is one on each continent: Gran Pulse to the Far East across the Ashensand Sea, Nova Chrysalia to the South, Cocoon to the West, and an uncharted continent to the Far North across the Genji Ocean. Nova Chrysalia and Cocoon are both on the same stretch of land, thus increasing our vulnerability to more attacks. Our engineers have pinpointed massive energy readings in the Ruins of Eden near the Euride Gorge Plant. We would have Dr. Estheim accompany you to find our crystal and activate it."

Jihl opened one of the folders in front of me. "There is a certain caveat with these crystals," she began, pointing to a rendered image of a l'Cie brand. "They are essentially fal'Cie in crystal form. While they don't have direct control in political matters in the way that Eden and Barthandelus did, they still have the power to make l'Cie out of humans. Because the crystal is sentient, it will not attempt to turn you into a l'Cie unless you consent to the transformation. I suggest caution at any rate."

That didn't sound so bad. As long as there wasn't a repeat of Anima turning me into a l'Cie against my will, I didn't have a problem with it. I flipped through another one of the folders. There was a chaos-blurred picture of Yeul wearing that same headdress Vanille had on when she'd been the Orders' Saint. She was slumped in a chair at the altar in Luxerion's Cathedral, looking deathly ill.

Rosch set that one aside, showing me another picture of Noel scowling in his Secutor armor. "As you can see, the Priestess Yeul still suffers," he said. "The Secutors' Knight-Commander, Noel Kreiss, is out for blood. He believes your partner is the key to curing whatever ails the priestess. Simply handing her over is out of the question. We _will_ _not_ give into terrorism. However, since the attack, our PSICOM division has suffered a deficit in funding. We cannot maintain our military forces and rebuild our headquarters. Brigadier General Raines has full command over the skies with his fleets, but the Guardian Corps alone cannot stand against a possible army of l'Cie."

"What are you telling me? Even if I activate our crystal, we have no way of winning this war?"

"No, Savior," he answered. "We will find another way to persevere. All that stands between war and peace in Chrysalis is appeasing the Knight-Commander's penchant for revenge. Our agents have since redirected their efforts to finding a weak spot in Luxerion's defenses. If we can find a way to send envoys to hold peace talks, then diplomacy may suit us instead."

That made absolutely no sense. Noel had made it clear that the only thing he wanted was Fang on a leash in Luxerion. The way I saw it, there weren't any other grounds for negotiation. I decided to set the issue aside for the time being. So long as they weren't giving Fang up for the sake of ending the war, the rest was fine by me.

They kept me there the whole afternoon, going over possible plans of attack, and theorizing what else we could do with the crystal's power. Because PSICOM's medical facilities were damaged, I had to bring Fang aboard one of the airships in the Guardian Corps' fleet for her next appointment. For safety reasons, they didn't want her going to the airship behind the headquarters—not until they were able to fix the damage done to the building. I wanted to ask Fang to live with me for the time being. Hopefully she wouldn't be too upset about not being able to see the _Ragnarok _for a while. When the meeting was over, Rosch handed me four train tickets to the Euride Gorge for the day after tomorrow. Other than Hope, he said to bring along whoever else I wanted.

The whole time, I couldn't help but wonder about their true motivations. They claimed they didn't want to give into terrorists, and that Fang was valuable to their research into the fragments of memories. I got the feeling that there was something else they wouldn't say. If they gave Fang up to Luxerion, I would have turned on them right away, and they knew it. I entertained the thought that they were afraid of me. So afraid, that even if Luxerion's army of l'Cie decimated our forces, they still wouldn't have crossed me. The thought comforted me, but it gave me pause… What did Jihl really say when she convinced them to keep Fang here? Was I that dangerous to them?

.

By mid-evening, I made it over to NORA's café along the beach. Seventh Heaven was just as crowded as always. I smiled when I saw Fang walking along the sand with Vanille and Snow. The three of them laughed together while Snow told them a story. Not too far away, I noticed Bane along the shore, sniffing and pawing at the clams there in low tide. Fang stopped and turned around, waiting for me to catch up to her. From the smirk on her face, I knew she had something planned for the rest of the night.

"Hey, sweet pea," she said. I held her to me and kissed her neck. Fang sighed in content. "How was the meeting? Did they finally tell you somethin' useful?"

"They did," I answered. Snow and Vanille waved to me from up ahead. "I have to go to Eden—or what's left of it—the day after tomorrow with Hope. The city fell from the sky once the fal'Cie stopped working. There's a crystal there that will help us against Luxerion. It needs to be activated. You and one other person can come along with us."

Fang looked me over. "You're not tired, are you?" she asked. I shook my head. "We can chat about the rest later on. Snow and Vanille want to go out to dinner with us tonight. That all right with you?"

"I planned on asking you out for a night alone…"

"Well, you might have your way," said Fang, smiling. "Snow's butterin' her up so she'll spill whatever's up with your sister and that guy. He promised they'd have their own table. We're just drivin' there together, really. Then we'll come back here after that. Looks like I'm stayin' in the back of the café 'till I can go back to the ship! Lebreau insisted on it."

Another one of my plans were ruined… "That was nice of her," I replied.

"I know, right? Snow said the place serves Chinese and Japanese food—no idea what the hell that was before he explained it. They've got this rice-alcohol thing called _sake _that's supposed to be the best thing in the world. You ever tried it?"

"No, I've only heard of it," I told her. Fang called Bane over. She gave him a big hug and returned him to his summoning stone. "We can go now if you want. I haven't eaten anything all day."

"Hey, you two!" she said to Vanille and Snow. "Let's get a move-on! Light's hungry and I wanna try that drink."

Snow drove us to the restaurant downtown in his white sports car. I stayed in the back with Fang, and Vanille was up front—the three of them talked about my sister the whole way. Mostly about how different she was these days. I lay down with my head in Fang's lap, listening to their conversation. She kept her eyes to me, stroking my hair and my face. I knew she could tell that I'd had a lot on my mind that day. Even though she seemed busy talking, I felt all of her energy focused on me. She knew I didn't want to say anything in front of the others.

"I promise it isn't like that," explained Vanille. "He's a nice person…but there's more to it than that. Serah could tell right away that he was interested in something else other than her. She's in her investigating phase right now. No matter what I ask, she won't tell me anything more."

"You serious?" asked Snow. "So is this guy, like, _using her_?"

"I think it's mutual… I don't really know the details."

Fang reached over the seat to pat Vanille's head. "Well you keep doin' your own investigation," she goaded. "You could be onto somethin', squirt. Who knows? Maybe he's some top-secret agent with a bunch of juicy secrets."

"You could be right. He's from Luxerion…"

"Did he get here before or after the war started…?"

"He hasn't answered that yet," said Vanille.

We arrived downtown to where the restaurant was. It was right in the center of Bodhum's valley, in the heart of the town's high-fashion scene. The mall was nearby—I hated going there, because it was always filled with pretentious people pretending to be rich. An artificial waterfall marked where all of the restaurants were. I had no idea how they all stayed in business, having to compete with each other within walking distance. Each one of them was packed with people—some of them even stood in line out the building, waiting for a chance at getting a table.

Snow pulled into the parking lot. There were a bunch of luxury cars in most of the spaces, glittering in the moonlight and the flame-lanterns around the restaurant. "If he's from Luxerion, he might be dangerous," he added, worried. "I don't know how I feel about Serah hanging around him… I feel like maybe she's in over her head. If she's trying to figure this guy out, and he's playing _her _for information, it's not gonna end well. What if Fang's right and he really _is _some kind of agent?"

I sat up when Snow parked the car. "This is all a crazy conspiracy," I told them. "You should know better. I think my sister is smart enough to not get involved with someone like that."

Vanille turned around in her seat. "But Lightning!" she insisted. "What if she's trying to _protect _you?"

"I can protect myself," I said, getting out of the car. I went around to the other side and opened Fang's door for her. She wouldn't stop grinning at me. "Why are you looking at me like that…?"

"_And all that poisoned her good-will was her own hubris," _recited Fang. I stared at her blankly. That sounded like something from a book in Cocoon script that we'd read together. She smiled, linking her arm with mine as we headed into the restaurant. "Don't let your Savior-business get to your head. We all get caught off-guard sometimes."

"All right, but since when do you quote classic literature to me to prove a point?" I wondered.

Fang nodded to Snow when he opened the door for us. "I could quote some stuff to you in the old Pulsian tongue instead," she offered. I worried over how long the line was in here. Other than that, it was a nice place. The black marble floors went nicely with the chocolate brown of the walls. I smelled the steaming noodles on a passing waitress' tray. The soft lighting up above almost made Fang's skin glow… "You know, just 'cause I skived off most of school and cheated off Vanille don't mean I didn't learn a thing or two. I picked up on the way you Cocoon folk read and write pretty fast, didn't I?"

"You did. I was really impressed, too. Because of that, I'm starting to understand something about you."

"Oh?" she asked. "What's that?"

I watched Snow negotiate with the manager to get our tables sooner. "Maybe you would have taken school seriously if Cocoon hadn't taken over your village," I said. Fang slowly nodded in agreement. "From what you told me, you spent most of your time hunting so you could get stronger. Kicking the Sanctum out of Oerba and protecting Vanille were your top priorities. I think if not for that, you would have had a normal experience."

Fang rubbed the back of her shoulder. "Yeah, and not so many scars, either," she added. "That reminds me—I've had my bandits lookin' for this ancient book in my old language. The Vipers stole a bunch of copies back durin' the War of Transgression. Might still be a few in-tact if they bothered takin' care of 'em. I wanna teach you how to read it. Let's make it a date as soon as they find it!"

We followed our waiter to a table for two. "What's the book about?" I asked.

"It's this epic tale, _Zantetsuken,_ about a Pulse l'Cie, Genji, who goes on all these journeys," she said, animated. "His Focus is to collect the weapons of his enemies and offer them to the fal'Cie for protection. There's this madman, Enkidu, who challenges him to a fight. They spend ages in a duel and neither of them wins, so they become best friends and start explorin' together instead. It's kinda sad, though… In the end, Genji learns what it really means to be a Pulse l'Cie, and—" Fang's eyes widened. She blinked several times before shaking her head. "No, I don't think it's true…"

I pulled out her chair for her. "The first part sounds a lot like _The Epic of Gilgamesh_," I told her. "If the Sanctum stole the books from you, our version might be a rip-off of yours. I'd like it if you taught me how to read it." Fang sat down, lost in thought. I sat across from her, wondering what was on her mind. "What isn't true?"

Fang waved my question off and focused on the menu instead. Vanille and Snow had their own table behind me, off to the side. They were already deep in conversation about something—probably that same conspiracy from earlier. I had a taste for noodles after smelling the ones from before. Fang let me order those and eggrolls for both of us, and a bottle of sake for us to try. She stared at me after our waiter took our menus away, as if trying to find something. She looked almost child-like.

"What's the matter?" I asked. "You seemed worried about something to do with that book…"

"No sense fussin' over it," she answered, blasé all of a sudden. "When I get it in my hands, I'll make sure… If I keep thinkin' about it, it'll only stress me out. Might as well forget about it for now." If that was what she decided, I was okay with it. As long as it wasn't bothering her anymore. "Speakin' of stress, I know you've had your hands full with this war goin' on. I had my boys do some diggin' on Noel and Yeul. Turns out they both got sent on some errand to Nova Chrysalia's crystal in Luxerion. They asked it to turn them into l'Cie. Looks like Noel's Focus is to bring Cocoon down since I ain't goin' there quietly. No idea what Yeul's is."

"Diplomacy really won't work, then," I guessed. "Rosch thinks we can send envoys to discuss _peace talks _with them. What I don't get is why Noel and Yeul would _ask _the crystal to turn them into l'Cie."

Fang shrugged. "My boys are still figurin' that part out," she said. "There's a whole black market of information underground. That's where they're gonna find that book I talked about. I wish I could go check it out myself. It sounded way too shady for me to bother with." She noticed something else was on my mind after mentioning Rosch. "Light, I know you haven't told me much about everything you've got on your plate. I feel like there's this burden on you to look out for me. When we went out yesterday, I hadn't seen you smile like that in weeks…"

"It's not because of you," I assured her. Fang frowned, unconvinced. "I feel like I have no control. It took the government two months to tell me anything useful about what's going on. They had their reasons, but… I'm so used to being able to handle whatever comes my way. Now Luxerion has an army of l'Cie that I can't do anything about. It's like I'm walking around with a bunch of broken tools."

"Broken tools?" she asked. "What makes you say that?"

"I get the feeling the Gestalt wants to keep me on this leash," I replied. "Like they're afraid of me. They know if they do anything to cross me, I'll turn on them. It's not helping the thoughts I keep having about the way I am…" I looked over and saw a dozen people at a table laughing together. "Honestly, compared to other people, I feel like I'm a machine. I should be able to feel more than what I do. Anyone could look at me and say that I'm not the type for relationships. I had this problem before… I stayed away from people so I wouldn't give them the chance to misunderstand me."

Fang reached over and held both of my hands in hers. "You're not a machine, babe…" The light overhead reflected off of the minor sheen in her eyes. "It breaks my heart to hear you say that about yourself. You don't gotta be loud and open about your feelings like other people. I can take care of that for both of us. You know I won't shut up when I get riled up about somethin'." I smiled a little. There were still other things on my mind, but it was nice to have her support. I didn't realize until that moment how much I needed it. "I think you're still used to going it alone. I know you feel like you're imposin' if you vent about what's botherin' you. Don't you know how much it helps to let things out? You need to."

"I need to?" I asked.

"Yeah, you do… You won't admit it." She let go of my hands when the waiter arrived with our food. Fang smiled and thanked him, fascinated most by the porcelain sake bottle he set down in the middle of the table. "What you need most is to let go. I can't _make _you do it. You've gotta make the decision on your own."

I waited until he left before saying, "This might sound stupid, but I don't know how to do that."

Fang smirked in the way that told me she had a hundred ideas in her head. She held an eggroll in front of my mouth. I took a bite out of it. "That's one way," she offered. I frowned, not understanding. She laughed out loud. "Oh my God you are so fucking precious! If this food didn't smell so good, I'd eat you right up." I couldn't ask her what she meant with my mouth full. She kept feeding me with a devilish look on her face. "Light, sweetie, I can spot sexual innuendo from a mile away. Don't you get it?"

I swallowed my food. "Is the eggroll supposed to be your dildo in my mouth?"

Fang fumbled her utensils. "Lightning!" she scolded. "I won't have that dirty mouth of yours at the table! Have some decency, will you…?"

"Fang, please," I said, rolling my eyes. "You're only saying that because I surprised you. You said I need to let go. That's what I'm doing."

"Well, yeah…" She fanned her face. "Is it just me, or is it hot in here all of a sudden?"

I kept teasing her a little as we ate. I hadn't thought that I was capable of doing this—not without touching her, anyway. Seeing Fang get flustered from my words alone was new to me. It got even easier when we started drinking the sake. The drink was warm, and I felt a buzz from it right away. Lighter head, lighter tongue—I had Fang grinning constantly from me saying whatever came to mind. I didn't stop myself from going on about her touching me. It wasn't something I thought about often. I wasn't thinking. I forgot about how I hated not being in control. I let her think that I wanted it. Somewhere, I did…just not in the same ways. Not in any way I could compartmentalize. Compartmentalizing it was boring to me in those moments, drinking with her and seeing her so happy with me.

Fang ordered another bottle of sake for us. Both of our faces were red. She started laughing for no apparent reason. I laughed at her laughing like a quiet maniac. I leaned back in my chair. Fang buried her face in her arms over the table, wheezing over nothing. All the lights up above reminded me of the stars in the sky at Nautilus, when I'd first let her get me into things like this. It wasn't so bad…

When I took another sip from my porcelain cup, this one felt different… So much stronger. The burn was more distinct. Probably a sign that I'd had enough. Some guy in an all-black jumpsuit and a cap passed by our table—on the same side I had my sake. The back of his head…blond and military-short hair. He was so muscular. Did I know him? I thought I knew him from somewhere…I couldn't remember.

Vanille and Snow eventually came over to our table. They leaned on the surface, looking between us in amusement.

"I think it's time to head out," said Snow. "You two are gonna be _so_ hungover in the morning."

Fang gestured to herself. "Nope, not me!" she drawled. Then she pointed at me. "_This one _can't hold her liquor worth a damn… _She's _gonna be hungover…not me… No, no, no, I'm gonna laugh at her while she's got a ragin' headache tomorrow—just you wait and see…"

Vanille giggled. "Whatever you say," she offered, helping Fang out of her seat. I stood up on my own, slowly… It felt like the world would have tipped over and sent me flying any second now. "Lightning, are you coming back to the café with us?"

"Yes!" cried Fang in ecstasy, hanging off of Vanille. Other people turned to stare. "She's sleepin' with me tonight! And now she's drunk, her tongue is loose…do you know what that means?" Snow cracked up, leading the way out to the parking lot. "Hey, hey Snow! When are you goin' back to Yusnaan? I wanna take Light there…see all the lights, y'know? We could stay in your palace and see all the sights."

Snow rubbed the back of his head. "Oh, I dunno," he replied. "It's the weirdest thing. PSICOM contacted me about holding some charity ball at the palace. To help them rebuild their headquarters, right? I said it was weird but I'd still think about it."

"Isn't that a conflict of interest?" asked Vanille. That was what I wanted to say… "Yusnaan is in Nova Chrysalia. Wouldn't that tell the world that the city supports Cocoon in the war?"

"Yeah, that's what I said," answered Snow. "They promised they could find some way around it…"

On the way back, Fang leaned on me in the back seat. I kept my body facing hers, breathing in the smell of her hair. I couldn't stop touching her. Snaking my hands along her waist, slipping down to her thighs and back up to her stomach; nearly pulling her top open to touch her breasts. Fang writhed against me—quietly. Not loud enough for Snow and Vanille to hear. They were too busy talking. Even if they did turn around and see where my hands were, I wouldn't have cared… I needed to touch her. I sweated more because I had to have her. I grabbed her harder to hear her reactions against my shoulder, my neck. I shouldn't have done this. I shouldn't have held onto her like this. I didn't want my first time with Fang to be in the back of Snow's car. I didn't want it to be while we were both drunk.

Fang wasn't thinking at all. I had to think for us—as much as I could through this growing haze. I could have thrown all of that aside if not for something else that worried me: I started to feel similarities to when Vespair bit me…except I didn't pass out. I was awake. I was _alive. _I was okay. I was fine. I just…needed to get some sleep… I needed this to pass. And then I could go back to letting go—whatever that meant. I had no idea.

When we made it to Seventh Heaven, everyone was asleep in their rooms behind the bar already. Snow suppressed a yawn while he waved good night to us. In the dark hallway, Fang gave Vanille a bear hug before retreating to our room. I was about to follow her until Vanille tapped my shoulder.

"Um, Lightning?" she asked shyly. "I meant to say this earlier… I'm really sorry about what I did. Talking about Fang to Serah and saying the things I did. There's a lot that I left out yesterday."

I leaned against the nearest wall, widening my eyes to get a better look at her. "What…?"

Vanille frowned, like she was scared of something. "I didn't _want _to say those things," she tried. "It's just…someone sort of threatened me to do it. I feel like I can only tell you this now because you're drunk and you might not remember. They said that I'm supposed to cause trouble for Fang…that it's for her own good… I wish I could tell you more. I'm trying to find the courage to stop running away."

I sobered a little, asking, "Someone's _threatening _you?"

Vanille nodded. "Please give me a few more days," she whispered. "Let _me _tell Fang. I'll take all the blame for everything—I promise. This is so scary…you don't understand…" She hugged me tightly. "Get some rest for now, okay? I'll brew something nice for your hangover in the morning!"

"Vanille…wait…"

She disappeared down the hall without another word. It was pointless trying to follow her. I could barely see my own white outfit in the dark, let alone another person. I'd nearly forgotten what Vanille had said already…all I could remember was her fear. It stayed with me as I went into the room where Fang was. She'd slipped out of her sari and left it lying about on the hardwood floor. Fang had already passed out on the low bed. I moved slowly to pick up her sari, folding it for her out of habit. One step at a time, I went to set it over the polished wood of the dresser. I changed out of my garb into the same thing I always wore to bed, falling asleep next to her within seconds.


	11. Venomous Fang

"_Lilitu" by Blueneck_

_**XI. **__Venomous Fang_

Quickened beating in my chest woke me up after what felt like seconds. Absolute heat radiated from my skin through the cotton of my clothes. I stared up at the ceiling in the sweltering night. Something didn't feel right… I couldn't pinpoint what it was. My head still spun a little from the alcohol earlier. If I was completely sober, I would have known right away what was wrong with me. Turning over to look at Fang helped me to forget about that. She faced me, sleeping so peacefully. I moved closer to her, shifting her fringes from her face. I wondered why I didn't see any sweat over her face in the faint moonlight. The thought quickly left me for another: how absolutely beautiful she was. I knew that already—I'd known it for years. But for how long we'd known one another, I'd never allowed myself to really _look _at her before. There had always been some other distraction, as if something could have possibly made me not see Fang for what she was.

The truth was that I hadn't taken this time before. I'd neglected it. I'd failed at it. I'd held it all back. Fang was here with me… I'd wasted so much time not being completely present with her. I finally understood what Lumina had said about my hidden passions—they were there, beneath the surface, but I'd unknowingly prioritized other things. _Thinking and stressing out _about how to keep Fang safe and happy through this war wasn't the same as actually doing it. Making her smile was more valuable than whatever military orders I could have been given. Loving her should have been my world…nothing else.

And then, just like that, my whole perspective shifted, and my heart followed along with it.

Listening to her breathe through the silence of the room, and feeling her breaths against my face turned into an experience in itself. Far-off sounds of the ocean brushing against the shore were almost in-sync with her. I ran my fingertips over the thin braids above her ear. I couldn't keep my hand still. Combing through to the back of her head and holding her there kept my hand from trembling. I eased into her and breathed in the soft thickness of her lips, slowly heated all over again. The faint lightness in my head changed to the heavy haze only Fang could make me feel. Her soft surprise hummed between us; she moved into me, over me, letting me pull her in past all of that. Deep in my chest I felt her—felt everything she was, in all of her beauty, beyond even the physical.

Fang held my face in her hand, pulling away a little at a time. "Well that's one way to wake me up," she whispered, smiling. She looked worried as she sat up on top of me. "Light, babe, you're burnin' up… How are you this warm? It's the perfect temperature in here."

"I'm all right," I told her. "Must be an aftereffect from drinking earlier. You know I'm not used to it."

"Hmm." She didn't look convinced. "I'll take your word for it. You sure you don't want me to turn the air conditioner on?" I nodded. Fang decided to leave the issue alone. She held my hands in between us, playing with them a little. "What are you doin' awake at this hour, hm? It's gotta be past two in the morning." She tilted her head to one side, smiling gently. "There's somethin' different about you… I can't quite put my finger on it."

I didn't know how to answer her with words. I pulled at her wrists and brought her lips to mine. Fang let go of my hands, pressing down over my shoulders; smoothing up to my neck and back down again. The way she sounded was just as smooth—it triggered something in me I couldn't control. I kissed her harder, pushing that through her and making her taste it, so she would feel it from me. I dug my nails through the tight fabric of her top to tell her I wanted it off. She bucked her hips against my stomach in shock, muffling her sharp breaths against my mouth. When she wouldn't pull away from me to take her top off, I raked my nails down her back. She arched away from me and cried out. Her shivering centered in each place I had my hands, traveling down with my touch. One hand I kept over her waist; the other I moved to the strap over her shoulder, waiting.

"Fang," I said. She shivered again. "Tell me one thing you need from me. Something you haven't said in case it might have chased me off. You don't have to worry about that. I'm not going anywhere."

Fang stared down at me. Shallow breathing. Pupils dilated. "If you'd told me that earlier today, I wouldn't have believed you," she replied. "You were caught up in your head, stressed out… I didn't mind. I figured you'd come around eventually. I didn't expect it so soon… I'm real happy that you're _here with me _now." She folded her arms, just about to take off her shirt—stopping there to answer me: "All those years I spent watchin' you serve Etro put too many ideas in my head. Every time you'd go to her throne and kneel there, it made me jealous. Whenever she asked you to do somethin', and you did it, it was even worse. I liked havin' a taste of it when you brought me home, and the whole world watched you bow your head to me. That general idea excites me, you know?"

There had to be more to this. She wouldn't have kept it from me otherwise. "Is that the dynamic you want with me?" I asked. "You like it when I'm obedient. I like being that for you. But you honestly can't tell me that that's all there is to it… I know you better than that."

"Mmm, so it would seem!" she mused, smirking wide. Fang leaned over me as she took off her top. "It's not that I'm up myself and I want you to kiss my ass all the time. Trust me—I used to be that way ages ago. I'm gonna show you the rest. For now, let's just say I know you've got a fetish for pleasin' me…"

Something broke free in me when I felt her bare breasts against my shirt. I latched my arms around her back, holding her fully. I tasted her neck beneath the cascading falls of Fang's hair; how it curled in twisted in her amusement. My mouth watered in anticipation, and my mind blanked from an overload of want, need—I felt her pull her shorts off, tossing them aside. Fang kept my head cradled in her arm. She used her free hand to grab the top of the headboard, pulling her body up a little at a time. I kissed all of her that I could reach. Over her breasts, softly at first—I licked and sucked harder to get a reaction, and she moaned at that right cadence, sending me spinning on the inside. I marked my breath there, feeling her harden in my mouth, and again when I looked up at her.

Full intensity in my stare, and in the way I pulled at her thighs, upward, for her to be above me. Fang moved all the way to kneel over my head. She didn't wait. I didn't want her to. I took her in my mouth, drinking the soaking smoothness from her skin. The same feeling of free-flying through the air with the wind blowing against me, I tasted fully through her. She trembled again, starting from her hips and resonating out, overwhelmed by the way she sounded.

I needed more of her reactions—way more. Keeping my eyes to hers quickened her breathing even when I didn't move my tongue that much. From there I could sense her; feel what she needed most.

Hooking my hands around her thighs made her open more for me. I learned to breathe against her through my mouth, sucking hardest on her clit when I needed more air. I drank all of her, refusing to let a drop slip away from me. When her breaths and moans deepened, they cut me off from thinking too much. Listening to her say my name pulled me right through to her emotions. Fang brushed her nails through my hair along my scalp, keeping me right where she needed. Vulnerability coursed through her in a way I'd never known before. I felt it through her hands in the way she couldn't hold still—she wanted me inside of her, and more than just my tongue. Curling it in her wasn't the same. Years' worth of pride was in my way, as if she'd saved herself for me before we'd even met each other.

I was so close to having her completely. The spinning sensation in my head picked up, making me dizzy with want. It filled my entire body and I poured it all up to her, for Fang to feel me the way I felt her. She shut her eyes and canted her head up to the ceiling, crying out my name louder. Just before she did, I knew I saw that sheen through her thick lashes. She held back from letting me see it fully. I still noticed the two trails running down her face, down her neck, drying there. I gave her my understanding instead of frustration; she trembled harder from her hips. Out her breaths came in bursts; out and into my mouth she came, dripping thickly over my tongue. Softer I drank, to not overwhelm her while she was sensitive here. I kept her raised on that high for as long as I could. I was on a high on my own from listening to her and having her like this.

When she came back down, Fang shifted to lie next to me on her back. She pulled me over her and held me tightly around my shoulders. She kept my head along her the warmth of breasts, letting me listen to the quickness of her beating heart. Mine beat slower, taking the time to feel her out. I wanted to give her a minute to breathe before I said anything. I licked my mouth clean, wondering about how things led to this. From how much she teased me about sex, I knew she'd been all talk about it. I made her more emotional than usual, especially here, with this… She must not have expected to have this reaction.

"Lightning," she breathed, holding me a little tighter, "You're so damn intense, you know that…? I thought you would've looked away. You barely even blinked."

"You looked away," I reminded her. Fang closed off from me again. "Why did you?" She didn't have an answer for me. I shifted to get a better look at her. "What's wrong? You're shaking…"

Fang smoothed away the sweat from my forehead, buying some time. "I had to stop myself from tellin' you somethin'," she replied. With a deep breath, she controlled herself, enough to keep still. "It's somethin' important. It's dear to me… I can't say it because you're not there yet. I know you're close, so don't lie to me and say that you're where I am."

That heavy dizziness found me again… "I wish you'd tell me anyway."

"I will."

She kissed away the rest of her want from my mouth. All of her control brimmed along her lips, threatening to burst if I moved too close. Fang wanted to do this at her own pace. Even though I wanted her to fall into me all the way, I had to respect her wishes. It did hurt…more than I thought it would. Her silence scratched at my chest, making me think that I had to hold something back, too. I didn't want to. I didn't need to. When we pulled away, I bowed my head enough, letting her know that I would do as she wanted.

Fang smiled. "You've exhausted me," she said. "I'd try to keep goin' anyway, but we've got visitors." She gestured to the door. I finally heard the hurried footsteps from the hallway. "Whoever it is thinks we couldn't hear them. I knew they were there this whole time."

"You want to stop because of _them_?" I asked.

"Sort of," she answered, looking me over. "You're not well, Light. I know you're not. Believe me, _I want you_…but I'm worried. You need some water and rest. Let's go back to sleep after you get a cold glass."

"I told you I'm fine," I said, getting out of bed. "Why do you think something's wrong?"

Fang held my hand, pressing her lips over my wrist. "Because I know how you are," she whispered. "You're one of those people who hates goin' to the doctor. Even with you sweating this much, you're convinced nothing's wrong."

"That may be true, but going to the doctor won't solve anything," I explained. "Hope told me that my body's gone through too many changes. After staying in Valhalla for five centuries, and then becoming the Savior, current science won't really help me if I get sick. The most they could ever do is put a band-aid over whatever's bothering me."

Fang grumbled. "Fine, but if you're not better by the morning, I'm takin' you to get checked out," she insisted. "Whether they can do anything or not, I wanna know what's goin' on with you. That's final."

I bent down to kiss her hand. "All right. We'll do that if nothing changes by then."

"Good," she said, getting back under the sheets. She sighed in disappointment. "Your tongue is to die for, really… I'm just gonna have to be patient. You go get some water to cool off."

"I will," I answered, leaving the room. Fang was slow to let go of my hand, fingertips clutching.

"Come back soon…"

I stopped in the doorway, turning back to glance at her. Fang looked so worried about me. Trying to reassure her didn't work. She had to see for herself that I was perfectly fine.

As I walked down the dark hallway, I heard those hurried footsteps again. It sounded like two people. One kept shushing the other to stay quiet. I turned a corner leading to the game room where Lebreau kept NORA's cold drinks. Then I picked up on who it was—Snow and Vanille, talking to each other in the hall at this hour. I stayed put, listening. If they'd been spying on us, then I wanted to spy right back.

"That was too close," whispered Snow. "You think she heard us?"

Vanille sighed quietly. "I don't think so," she said. "I'm sure she would have told us off if she had… This is why I said I wanted to go to bed! What if she catches us up on her way back?"

"Ahh, it's fine, it's fine…don't worry. We were talking anyway. Just got a little distracted by what went on in their room, you know? Heh…"

"Snow!" scolded Vanille. He chuckled. "Lightning would kill you if she knew! How can you _laugh_?"

"Hey, lighten up!" he tried. "I still have my head, don't I? Besides, we _were _talking before… Can we go back to that now?" Another sigh Vanille let out. She must have nodded, letting Snow continue on: "So I was saying…she really isn't the same, you know? I made all those promises without thinking ahead. We were young and in love. I thought I knew her. I don't recognize who she is anymore, the same way that Light doesn't know her these days. Stupid me thought nothing would change…"

Vanille hummed, worried. "But, you _did _make a promise," she pointed out. "You said you were hers forever. That isn't something you can just take back, no matter what's changed."

"I would have agreed with you a few months ago," replied Snow. "Serah's not answering my calls. She won't let me see her alone. She's with some meathead military guy now…she doesn't need me. I could have waited if I thought she only needed time. We've grown apart. I swear to you—that was the last thing I wanted."

"So you'd break your promise to her…?"

"Only because she's forcing my hand, Vanille. That and I can't help it. I've changed, too."

Vanille sounded uncertain. "…you know how this looks, don't you?" she asked. "You were in love with her for centuries, and that's all gone away because she doesn't need you anymore. I'm her best friend… Now you're asking me how I feel about you." _Wait, what…?_ Did she just say what I thought she said? "I don't know how I feel about a man who breaks his promises, or falls out of love in such a short time."

"I'm not asking for anything more than that, Vanille. I know I still need time to get over her completely—"

"—yes, a lot _more _time. Why would you ask me this so soon?"

Snow sighed. "Because I'm trying to be honest with you," he said, sincere. "I felt her pulling away from me the second she broke off the engagement. It's left a void. Whenever I'm around you, I'm okay again. I'm not asking for a relationship or sex or anything like that. I only want us to talk more…if that's cool with you."

"I wasn't born yesterday, you know. You're trying to get a hold on me so that I'll consider you."

"…well, no… I-I mean I like…I like spending time with you."

"Only now that Serah is with someone else," added Vanille. "I don't want to be an afterthought, Snow."

"You're a hard woman to work with, Vanille…"

"Did you think that I'm simple just because I seem happy all the time…?"

Snow's heavy footsteps sounded, like he moved toward her. Vanille gasped. "I know better than that," he told her, lowering his pitch. "This isn't about me being _a guy_ and you're the gorgeous girl who's _actually _paying attention to me. I told you the real reason why Serah broke things off. She got scared by the scenes I'm around. Fang exposed you to those things… You've said it's something you want from a man. Ever since you told me that, I haven't been able to stop thinking about you."

"…I know what I said, but we shouldn't talk about those things. I'm not comfortable with us speaking this way if you might still love her."

"Vanille, I can't… Serah rejected the part of me that I can't live without. I can't love her anymore."

I raised my clammy, shaking hands in front of my face. Listening to Snow say he couldn't love my sister anymore affected me too much. It wasn't about his reasons. It wasn't about them growing apart. It was the simple truth that he'd loved Serah for centuries, to the point of driving him to chaotic despair, and then…nothing. No more. He could rationalize his feelings away after she didn't need him anymore. His love for her had conditions. For as cold as I tended to be, I held back my emotions until I felt that it was safe for them to come out. Safe, and that they could last there, infinitely…in that sense, I was an all-or-nothing person like Fang. I either showed everything or nothing at all. _Everything _was this ugly desperation in my soul to know that if I loved her, that it would be forever—no matter what.

This tore at me because I imagined Fang doing the same thing to me one day. If something happened to me, and I changed beyond reason, she would have fallen out of love with me, too… Even if it lessened her pain, it was the principle behind it all. Declaring eternal, unconditional love, and living through it, only for it to all come to a sudden, explicable end, with logic being the killer.

What was the point in loving anyone at all if such powerful feelings could die like that?

Light-headedness slipped down to my throat, thinning my breaths. My sudden _emotion _constricted my throat. I refused to cry out. I refused to go back to the room and let Fang see me like this. I didn't know what else to do or who to turn to. I stumbled in the game room, holding back this sickness that had been brewing inside of me. Acidic, choking, venomous despair. I couldn't stop myself from falling for her now. It was too late. Too late. I could have loved her tomorrow, only for her to change her mind, leaving me with this bleeding vulnerability. I couldn't think straight anymore… Couldn't think. Couldn't see… Irrational thoughts all jumbling into one, exploding out. I grabbed the white hooded jacket from the coat rack nearby and put it on, trying to shield myself from all of those images in the air, swirling around me, surrounding me, laughing at me.

I ran out of the café, barefoot and in nothing but this jacket and my shorts, needing to go somewhere, away, up and beyond this world. Out-of-body I felt, pulled, thrown into scenes of Fang leaving me for someone else; getting bored of how mechanical I was; not having any more reasons to smile at me…

I had no control. There was no logic to my state, and logic was the only thing that could murder my hold on her. It went about on its own, having left me, not wanting me to remember its strengths, so that I could keep Fang away from those. Illusions and mirages before me, heated like the sand beneath my feet…the way she lived her life with such burning passion—the kind I drank at moments ago; the kind that she could have pulled away from me at any given moment to torture me. She had that power now. She had the means now. If she wanted to hurt me, all she had to do was pull away from me.

Fang could have cut the cord and ended my love right as it was about to be born. Stillborn—death before birth—infanticide, right where I'd felt her. Right after I'd lost control and fallen into my lust with her. I couldn't get by, not by burning out like this. On overload, worrying about this, spinning, sweating…

I'd never given _anyone _this control over me. Never…

Cars going to where they had to go through the lightening sky. Dawn was just around the corner, waiting to see if it was safe to come out. Sweat kept pouring down my face—my body cried from all of these possibilities, haunting me now. I couldn't see anything in front of me. She was right. Something was wrong with me. Something beyond normal panic. Something…something… but I'd lost my hold on it now. Nothing except colors thrown into the blender of my scattered mind.

Vertigo seized me somewhere along the heated asphalt of the road. In an intersection, at a crossroads. I was tired of thinking. Tired of not having control. Tired of being a slave to my emotions, no matter how hard I tried not to be. It felt better to lie down here and not think about all of that. Morning would come soon. Morning would come…and I would be gone somewhere again. Vaguely I wondered how there were twenty-four hours in the days here. The same as on the first Cocoon. Chrysalis was the same distance away from the sun… the same distance to replicate the fal'Cie Phoenix and the way it had given us our hours, our days, our sustenance, our lives…

.

Chimes of charms along a bracelet next to my face, the soft smell of my sister's sweet pea body spray: all of it blocked out the burning hot smell of the street underneath me, and the endless people in their cars, shouting over the holdup I'd caused all down the roads. Serah's panicked voice sounded so far away, even though she was right here. The sun in the sky…it was darker than usual. A solar eclipse. Today of all days… I was picked up and carried into the chill of an air-conditioned car. I lay in the backseat with my head in my sister's lap. The college history textbooks in the pocket behind the passenger's seat… this was her car.

"…how…supposed to drive a stick-shift?!" shouted a shrill female voice from the front. I couldn't make out everything. It hurt too much to focus. "Can I get… if I'm going at full-speed…the hospital!?"

Serah sighed in exasperation. "Look at the clutch…the numbers!" she yelled. "Go in order! Just up until… Then back. You'll feel the transmission… shift it. Drive on the sidewalk, Angie! These cars aren't moving fast enough!" The car jerked as her friend drove off. My sister leaned over, holding my head in her arms. Jerking sensations I felt in my limbs, uncontrollable—stopping—starting again—onset of a seizure— "Please hold on, sis… Hold on. Listen to the sound of my voice, okay? You have to stay awake…" Her tears mixed in with the sweat over my head. "You smell like sex… _What _did Fang do to you? How did you end up out on the street?! And no one stopped to help you, thinking you were some crazy hooded bum. I can't stand this… I knew she was terrible for you—I knew it…"

I wanted to say something, to defend Fang's honor. I couldn't make my voice work. Then I felt something—someone—pulling me away from my body, forcing me to look in from an outsider's perspective. Suddenly, I was in the front seat next to Serah's friend. She couldn't perceive me at all. Serah screamed, panicking again when my body in the backseat fell unconscious.

Lumina floated down to sit in my lap, holding me around my neck. She frowned sadly, sniffling. "Don't look back there," she whispered. "No one can see us. I'm keeping you alive as best as I can with Etro's blessing. I can't do this alone… Our help is already at the hospital. She's waiting for us."

"Lumina…how did this happen? What's going on?"

She held back her emotions from her voice, trying to stay strong. "Someone poisoned your drink," she said. "I promise you this wasn't Vespair. Think back to when you were at the restaurant. You were drunk… You looked up at the ceiling, at all the lights, and Fang had her head resting over the table. There was barely a five second window. He came right in and took advantage of it."

That blond guy in the black jumpsuit. I thought I'd recognized him. I'd been too out of it to notice…

"I'm sorry I wasn't there to stop him, Lightning. I don't have any excuses. I failed you…"

"Is it that serious? You said you're keeping me alive. Am I really dying…?"

Lumina couldn't reply to me. I felt a dry lump in my throat, knowing what the answer was. I didn't have the mental capacity to process anything more than that, or to think about the consequences—not in this state. All I could do was sit with this information, barely able to think about Fang and if she knew yet. We made it to the hospital soon after. I materialized outside of the car, watching the paramedics rush me through to the white halls to the emergency room. My body over the stretcher jerked constantly.

Serah couldn't stop crying. She cried harder when a few of the nurses asked her to wait outside my room. "She's my sister!" she kept saying, trying to push her way through. "_Please_—let me be with her!"

They refused to let her see me. Serah leaned against the wall of my room, convulsing as she sobbed; steadily sliding to the tile floor and curling up there. I couldn't do anything except stand next to her, staring down at her. In this false-state, I was still able to know how this affected her judgment. Even when she found out that Fang had nothing to do with this, she would never come around to trusting her. This had already scarred her too badly.

Lumina held my hand. "Here," she said, guiding me to the opposite wall. "This is our helper…"

Vespair was there, sitting on the floor. She had her face frowned in concentration while she used a screwdriver to tinker with a robotic doll. It looked just like me… "Just give me some time," she muttered beneath my sister's crying. "This obviously ain't what it looks like. Not exactly. When I bit you, your body adapted to the venom. You've got a natural antidote for this somewhere and I'm gonna find it."

"Why are you doing this for me…? And how are you looking through my body with a robotic doll of me?"

"I can't answer you right now," she replied, dismissive. "Ask me later when I'm not in the middle of theoretical surgery that could cost you your life."

Sazh rushed down the hall. "Serah? Serah!" he called. He went to her side, kneeling down with her. "What's going on? Is she okay?" My sister mumbled words to him that I couldn't hear, shaking her head. Sazh sighed heavily, putting his hand over her shoulder. "Damn… Sounds like all we can do now is pray. Lightning's gonna get through this. She will. Your sister's strong—you know that."

They spent a few minutes speaking in low voices. Sazh reassured her a few times that everything would be all right. Hope arrived not long after that, his hair and clothes unkempt, looking disheveled. Sazh filled him in on everything. They both took more time to keep my sister's spirits up. It seemed like Serah had calmed down as she listened to them. That all went to hell when she heard Fang's voice from the entrance. She stood up, watching Snow, Vanille and Fang hurry down the hallway toward us. I felt a pang in my chest when I saw how bloodshot Fang's eyes were. Dried trails of tears ran down her face, visible through the pale light of the hallway. She'd barely tied her sari on properly—it hung limp in places where it shouldn't have.

Sazh had no idea yet about the imminent danger—he stepped forward as they approached, about to explain the situation to them. Just before he could say anything, my sister went off.

"You did this to her!" she screamed at Fang, seeing red. "I told her you were a bad influence! What did you put in her drink last night?! Some date rape drug to make her have sex with you?"

Fang widened her eyes, affronted. "I didn't do nothin' to your sister!" she argued. "What the hell are you talkin' about?!"

Serah rushed at her. "Don't play stupid!" she yelled. Sazh barely put himself between them in time, holding my sister back. She struggled against him, still shouting. "I know you did this! You had to have done it! Who else would do this?! _Who?!_"

"Damnit, Serah, I wanna respect you, but you're _really _makin' that hard for me! You're a lunatic!"

"My big sister is on her death bed, and you're calling me a lunatic?!" cried Serah. All of the color left Fang's face. She stopped breathing, shaking instead. It took everything in her to not break down; to listen instead. "She's all I have, Fang! I shouldn't have walked away from her. I shouldn't have let you anywhere near her. If she dies, I swear I'll make you pay!"

Sazh pushed Serah back at last. "Now wait just one minute!" he insisted. Fang backed away, leaning against the wall in a trance. She wasn't there anymore. She wasn't in that moment during the arguing, the screaming, the crying—she was too far gone, somewhere in between accepting reality and not knowing what to believe. "I've been outta the loop here, I know—but how could you think Fang would harm Lightning like this? You must have _some_ reason—"

Snow interrupted him, "Does it matter?!" he shouted. Vanille winced, looking guilty. She stayed at Fang's side, latching onto her arm to support her. "Serah's upset and she wants to point fingers—let's leave it at that. This isn't the time to start drama! Light needs us to stay strong for her! We can't do that if we tear each other apart right outside her room!"

Hope sighed. "Everyone, Snow's right," he agreed, weary. "Let's get through this with Light. I'm going to see what type of facilities they have here… I'm assuming nothing they have will be able to help her."

"What…?" said Snow. "How is that possible? How can _nothing _help?"

"Science can't keep up with the Knight of Etro _and _the Savior… Her body has evolved centuries beyond all current medical advancements. I don't want to bring the mood down. Really, I don't… But the chances of her surviving without support are…slim-to-none—"

Snow grabbed his collar. "Then what the hell was that all about!?" he yelled. "Saying that I'm right, and that we should get through this with her! Now you're saying she's not gonna make it?!"

All of that continued…back and forth…back and forth between Snow, Hope and Sazh. None of them knew what else to do. They were powerless. Whenever one of them tried to calm things down, another came back up with an emotional retort—over and over again for hours. The whole time, Serah had gone back to curling up against the wall, rocking back and forth as she waited for an update. Vespair was still behind me, grumbling on occasion while she worked on my robotic mini-me. Lumina went to sit next to her, offering quiet suggestions for the operation. I stood in front of Fang, staring at the revelations through her eyes. I wanted so badly to reach through this dimension and let her know that I was here with her… She shifted through phases in a cycle like the four seasons. For a few minutes, she was as still as winter, convinced she couldn't react without more information. Then she sprung into sudden emotion—silently, to avoid attracting Serah's attention. Only Vanille felt it from her; only Vanille got to hold her, nursing it away again, again, and once again. And then sweat dotted her forehead; blood red boiled through her eyes, her face and neck, burning in the heat of her anger. And then the powerlessness overtook her, making her fall back to inaction; back to that cold, unreadable stillness.

Eventually, one of the doctors called Serah into my room. Hope, Sazh and Snow finally stopped bickering. As if she'd noticed sudden movement from a hidden target, Fang darted her eyes to the door. She walked over there, composed, mostly, despite everything. What strength she had on her shoulders had been carefully built from the whole time I watched her. Everyone else stayed put, turning into spectators with me.

Serah stopped in the doorway to look at up at her. "What do you want?" she asked, monotone.

Fang took a deep, shuddering breath and said, "I want to see my girlfriend."

"They said only family members are allowed to see her right now," she sniffed. The whites of Fang's eyes webbed with the beginnings of cracking glass. "You're not her family. You have to wait with the others. Can you do that, or are you going to threaten me to have your way?"

"Why do you think I'm like that…?" asked Fang, frowning sadly. "I've never done anything to harm you or your sister. You saw us at the beach the other day. Even with this war goin' on, I do all I can to keep her happy, and she does the same for me. I… I care about her more than I can say. I don't understand why you're treatin' me this way."

"I know what you are," said Serah, closing the door. "Nothing you say or do will ever change my mind about you."

My sister's pride finally took Fang down.

Fang slammed her fist against the door. "Serah! Let me in!" she cried. "Damnit, Serah! _I need to see her_! Open this door!" When no one answered, she shut her eyes, resting her face against the surface. Every ounce of the strength she'd built up—it broke down for the others to see, and she couldn't stop from crying. Depth of feeling roared through her—she couldn't hold it back: "Open the fucking door! Open it! LET ME IN!" Memories brought her down further: how she'd held back with me in bed…all the things she never got to say. And the one thing she didn't tell me. "Goddamnit, I love her, _I love her_—I love your sister to death, with everything I am! Whatever you think I am, I'm a fucking fool for burning in love for her while she's dying! I'll be damned if I let you play down what I have with her!"

A few moments passed in silence, with only the sounds of Fang crying in pain. Everything down the halls, down to the waiting room and reception area quieted to give her precedence. Serah opened the door. She stared at the floor while Fang calmed down, and then stepped aside to let her in. I was about to follow until I felt Lumina tugging on the hem of my shorts.

"Stay here," she said. "Vespair needs something from you first."

Vespair set the doll in front of her, hanging her head in shame. Bolts, screws, electric wires and all sorts were scattered nearby. "Ugh, this is a mess," she complained. "Lightning, you're a damn labyrinth. Why can't you be _one thing _like the rest of the people in this sorry world?"

"Maybe you'd be able to fix me if you gave me some answers."

Vespair waved her hand. "Fire away," she ordered.

"Why did you _open my eyes _about Fang?" I asked. "I would have gotten with her eventually. Why did it have to be on your terms? You didn't have to help me at all."

"I was impatient," replied Vespair, sighing. "There's certain things I'm able to do now that I've got my own body. It's like lettin' a kid run around in a candy store. She wants to get straight to the good stuff. I can't do any of this stuff without you settin' the benchmark for Fang's balance."

"What are you talking about?"

"You're a Libra. You're her scales. You're in charge of her mood, her hormones, her thoughts, her emotions… Without you, she's all over the place. You saw how she was just now. I can't know what I've gotta do to protect her if she's unstable like this all the time."

I scoffed. "And you think inciting a war between Luxerion and Cocoon is the same as protecting her?"

Vespair went back to tinkering with the robot. "Indignant and hard-headed," she said, as if checking things off of a list. "Not too surprising."

"Vespair!" I yelled. She winced. "I'm sick of this! You're a part of her—you claim that you're doing what she _really wants_, deep down, but I can't believe that. I don't care that you didn't poison my drink. You're the ventriloquist behind this entire conflict between nations. What if it escalates out of your control? What if Fang gets caught in the crossfire?"

"She won't," replied Vespair, calm as could be. "Unlike you, I've got complete control over what's goin' on. In time, you'll see why I'm doin' this. Once again, it'll be on _my terms. _Don't rush me, Lightning. There'll be hell to pay if you do. I've got my eye on your clock, too. It's all the way on thirteen."

"What…?"

"The Thirteenth Hour," she clarified. "It's not supposed to exist in this dimension. It used to. All those Lost Hours are stuck in chaos. You experienced some of 'em on your Savior escapades. You're a good subject to study—the way you can control the balance of light and chaos in you. Chaos cloudin' your mind, pure light in your spirit… It's the exact opposite of Fang. Fascinatin' stuff, really."

All this talking in circles. She obviously didn't want me to know something. "Am I going to make it?"

Vespair smiled. "You're fine now," she promised, piecing the spare parts back together. "Just gotta remind you to be Fang's knight. It'll be a few hours before you wake up in your body. When you do, things are gonna be a little different. Some change is good. It's all good…" I knew she could tell what my last question was. She finished her repairs, and handed the robot to Lumina. Afterward, Lumina skipped off with the toy. Vespair stood up and looked me in the eye, sounding…sincere, for once: "I'd never do anything to harm you. I know I seem like the evil bitch that's out to fuck everything up. That ain't the case. The way Serah sees Fang is the way you see me. As messed up as this seems, you've gotta trust me. No matter what I do, Fang's not gonna get hurt. I need you to believe me. Can you do that?"

The door to my room opened. Serah stepped out, smiling a little. The mood around Snow, Hope, Sazh and Vanille lightened right away. They all entered the room, looking and sounding happier than they had all morning. I barely had a view of Fang leaning over my bed, holding my head in her arms. I looked back to Vespair. Trusting her through all of this chaos…it didn't seem right because of how foreign it was. Still—for the time being—I accepted her truce.

She didn't have to save my life. _Believing her _was the only way I could let myself thank her after everything, after all the ambiguity.


	12. White Tiger of the West

"_Blood on the Leaves" by Kanye West_

_**XII. **__White Tiger of the West_

Far-off sounds of bombs and warships pulled me out of my sleep. Panicking from people outside my hospital room grew louder. I heard some of them saying Luxerion had attacked Bodhum. Others fretted over PSICOM's scientists taking too long to activate our crystal barrier, wondering if something had happened to the team. Closer warmth of Fang's breathing next to my ear helped to block everything else out. Feeling her with me helped the storm from earlier to subside so much smoother. As those stormy tides passed, returning my health to me, I sensed a certain dissonance from her… Fang's tears had dried along the side of my face. She contained all of her emotions in the small space between us. I felt it all bursting, quietly, while Vanille softly spoke a prayer next to me. I could have sworn I'd heard it somewhere before…

"_I close my eyes…tell us why must we suffer? Release your hands…for your will drags us under. My legs grow tired…tell us where must we wander? How can we carry on if redemption's beyond us?"_

Serah spoke quietly a few paces away, "…he's not picking up, they said. What if something happened?"

"Damnit," cursed Snow, as but a whisper. "I feel like crap for ganging up on him earlier. Hope may have been a l'Cie like us, but he's just a scientist now. He won't be able to handle whatever's out there if it's serious. Should have waited for Light to wake up…"

Sazh grumbled. "Didn't really have a choice," he pointed out. "Luxerion's fleet is right on our doorstep, looking for Fang. If they can't find her, they'll tear the whole city down. We've gotta get that barrier up as soon as possible. Unless our Savior wakes up right about now, Hope and his team are all we've got. There's too many out there dying, burned and hanged to death. So much blood on the leaves…"

"Even if she does wake up soon," said Serah, "She needs her rest. I don't want her jumping into a fight if she can't stand up properly."

"You know Lightning," muttered Snow. "Once she learns what's going on, she'll charge right outside."

"Then I'll _make _her stay."

I had to wake up. A few more minutes I spent listening to everyone, listening to Fang trying to keep her composure; mustering the strength I had to get my limbs working again. I couldn't sit in bed with all of that happening outside. Listening to Vanille's prayer brought more life back to me, just as much as her words puzzled me. It all sounded like a contradiction of fate. It reminded me so much of our Focus from all those years ago. Against all odds, we had succeeded. I survived again today…and I'd experienced that fleeting moment, hanging on the edge, seeing life and death in its contradictory state:

"_Thy Life is a riddle…to bear rapture and sorrow. To listen, to suffer, to entrust unto tomorrow. In one fleeting moment, from the Land doth life flow. Yet in one fleeting moment, for anew it doth grow. In the same fleeting moment, thou must live—die—and know…"_

Fang shifted when she felt me stirring. "Light, are you awake?" she whispered. I opened my eyes, my face covered by the dark-soft shade of her hair. "I really need to tell you somethin'. If you can hear me…this is important. I didn't want you to—to die before I could tell you… You deserve my honesty." I stared at Vanille, feeling sheer foreboding rushing through me. She had her eyes closed, small fingers interlaced in prayer—still whispering. "Back when we were l'Cie…when I'd sleep next to you… I let my weakness take over. I… I made you have sex with me in your sleep…more than once—"

I bolted up in my bed. She flinched and stared at me in fear. I glared at her. Vespair hadn't given me a straight answer that morning in Nautilus. I should have known. I should have pressed her harder. I should have _confronted _Fang about this instead of being so damn passive. The others tried to ask me what was wrong, why I looked so pissed off… They had no idea. _She _had no idea. I didn't know if she'd done the worst. If she'd touched me, taken me without my permission; broken that illusion beyond my sleep, making all of this anger boil within me now.

"Sis…?" asked Serah, approaching us, one step at a time. "Are you okay?"

Violated. Wronged. Lied to. Led on. Defiled all in the name of her fucking sickness. I didn't _ever _want to be in that position, and she forced it on me. Forcing me to break the illusion that had kept me going for so long. If she'd only made me do what I saw in that dream, I could have forgiven that—maybe too easily. I didn't want to ask if that was all it had been. I wouldn't have believed her.

I hissed at her with all of my anger, low enough that only she could hear, "Fuck you, Fang."

She stood and backed up, startled. I got out of bed as if I'd never been in it in the first place. I hurried out of the room, past Snow, Sazh, Vanille and Serah bombarding me with questions. By crystal, I changed into my Equilibrium garb as I went out into the broken late afternoon sun from the solar eclipse. I heard all of them following me. I ran faster to the fray in the distance, drawing my _Masamune. _PSICOM's soldiers barely held off the Secutors in the hospital's parking lot. The glimmer of my long blade in the light and the rage in my eyes alerted the enemy to me right away. I cut them down. I cut every one of Luxerion's forces that were in my way. I had to get to the train station. I had to get to the Ruins of Eden past Euride.

I had to get the hell away from Fang and her so-called _weakness_. She'd nearly caught up to me. Luxerion was only slowing me down. Sazh and the others pushed through instead, fighting the battles I left behind. I trusted them to help with damage control while I was gone. I trusted—didn't trust—Fang to follow me all the way to the station. I ran faster through the bloody streets, invigorated by this second wind, by my second chance at life—finally knowing the truth to the question I'd been too afraid to ask.

My anger blasted higher when I realized her timing. I was on that precipice. If I could have stopped, hanging while free-flying in the air, on my way to falling in love with her, I would have. But I didn't stop. I kept going, falling as fast as I ran, and hearing the sounds of her sandals against the crimson asphalt and her sari blowing in the wind. Her running after me cemented it all. I couldn't run away from this. I couldn't escape the process. _I wanted to. _I wanted to make all of this stop, to tell Noel to take Fang away from me and not care; but I couldn't do it. I had no power. Last night flooded back to me—the way I felt.

And the way I felt now. How ironic that her badly-timed honesty pushed me here. Could there have been a better time? I doubted it… Fang had finally told me the truth about that unspoken _thing _between us. The one thing that had hung from her sealed lips, just in my reach, yet so far out because of her insistence. For as much as this pissed me off, scared me, enraged me—I respected her, loved her for being straight-up with me.

I loved her. I finally fell in love with Fang from her honesty, from the risk she took. All I wanted was the truth, deep down, no matter how terrible it was.

Right now, I wanted to rip my heart out and leave it behind. Right now…I couldn't face that.

The train station was packed with people trying to flee the city. There was no getting in through the line. I kept my momentum and ran around the building, up to the top of the top of the glass tunnel above the trains. The announcements said that all outbound trains were due north for Euride. I could run the rest of the way from there. I broke through the glass and landed on top of the next train pulling out of the station. With all of the commotion going on, no one seemed to notice. I kept my footing while the train took off, eyes fixed ahead to the energy plant in the far distance.

Fang landed in front of me. "Lightning, I'm sorry!" she said, bowing to me. "I'm sorry… I was weak. I was stupid. I shouldn't have done that to you. I should have asked—or said something instead of cowering behind my logic. I just—I feel like you're gonna leave me over this, and…" She trembled, holding something back in her throat. She looked so pale, like she wanted to throw up. "…please don't."

I had nothing to say. Nothing I _could _say. Overhead, the Guardian Corps' airships pushed Luxerion's fleets back. The train rushed past countless trees along the countryside between Bodhum and Euride. They were all filled with people hanging by nooses, swinging in the breeze. They'd all died for Fang. They'd died from my decision to not hand her over to Noel. And here I felt this anger, wishing I could go back in time and drop these emotions. I couldn't turn everything off and find my coldness anymore. I couldn't turn away from her and forget about what we had together. Not with her looking at me like this. Not with her kneeling down in front of me, groveling over the steel of the train—risking her balance to apologize to me like this.

Countless lives lost, all so that Fang and I could have this messed up romance. My anger mixed with a sudden fear: that I felt justified in my decisions. But she'd trampled over what little comfort I had with my body, my sexuality. How could I stand to live in this contradiction? I didn't get it at all…

Fang looked up at me. "Say somethin'!" she shouted. "Why won't you speak? Are you gonna toss me aside now? Do you want me to keep beggin' for your forgiveness? What do you want…?"

I knelt down, holding her clammy face in my gloved hand. The wind blowing through her dark hair burning red in the eclipse…she was so beautiful… "Did you _touch me_?" I asked.

"No," she breathed. The fear in her eyes—so palpable. "No, I would never—not without your permission—"

"—but you were sick enough to command me in my sleep. Why should I believe you?" She couldn't find the words to answer me. "Let me get this straight: back when we were in quarantine, and I made a move on you, you ran into the bathroom out of fear? Because you knew the truth would come out?"

"…yes."

"And this was why you were upset in the Sunleth Waterscape? You knew you'd have to confess at some point. You knew I'd be pissed off."

"You're exactly right," she replied, trembling again. "I asked you to wait until we were in love for anything more because… because I figured it wouldn't remind me of my guilt. If it was mutual—" She tried to backtrack, but it was too late. I remembered what she'd said while she pounded on the door to my hospital room. "I took advantage of how obedient you are to me. I manipulated you into not talkin' about it, all because I couldn't face this reaction from you. I keep gettin' this feeling that your sister knows somehow—that's why she hates me. I can't let you hate me, too."

This wasn't the time to implicate Vanille in all of this. That conversation I'd had with her was too fuzzy as it was. At the same time, Fang's sudden transparency unsettled me. How easy had it been for her to keep this from me? Why was it so easy _now _for her to tell me these things? To make things worse, this was just the start. The tip of the iceberg. She had more. There was always _more _with Fang. More fascinations, more reasons; more wants and needs that I couldn't possibly wrap my head around. Looking at her with my ire and seeing this vulnerability in her did help. I didn't want it to. I didn't want _her _to help at all. I wanted distance and silence between us to heal this festering wound in my chest. I wanted the easy way out. I wanted to forget her.

Before last night, maybe I could have had those things. Maybe I could have walked away without turning back. I held those words on the tip of my tongue—_we're over_—and I couldn't say them. I couldn't let her go. I couldn't push Fang away from me. Not with this pull I felt toward her. Not with how my heart ached from having watched her earlier in the hallway. Deep despair welled up in that wound inside of me at the thought. If she knew, it would only fuel her sickness that much more.

"You said this happened more than once," I recalled. "Was the first time _before _or _after _I told you I was gay?"

"…before," she muttered.

"That makes sense," I said, standing up. "_I just wanted you to say it. _I hadn't given you any indication." Again, Fang had nothing to say. "You don't know why I'm so pissed off. The thought of you touching me, of _anyone _touching me like that—"

"—Lightning, I didn't!" she argued. I glared at her, disbelieving. "Honest, I didn't. I swear to you…"

"You don't even know why that affects me so much," I went on. Fang shook her head, lowering it back to the steel beneath my feet. "It's too late now. You don't deserve to know." The strip mall streets of Euride were just up ahead. I walked around her. "Leave me alone."

Fang took deep breaths, struggling to stand up behind me. "I can't," she said quietly.

I raised my eyebrow, mostly out of surprise. "That's too bad."

"Lightning, I can't let you walk away from me," she declared. "I fucked up in the past, I know… I'm askin' you to not judge me from back then. I told you I was stupid. I shouldn't have done what I did. There were days when I thought I'd keel over from how much pain I was in… I thought I'd never be yours. There was somethin' you said to me one night, and I just…_lost it_…"

"What did I say?" I asked, scoffing.

"You said…if there was anything you could do for me, that I didn't have to ask. When you fell asleep, you kissed me back. _You kissed me_ _back,_ Lightning… You held me. You touched me. You made me react to you. I fell into you…I couldn't stop it. I wasn't thinkin' anymore."

"That's taking a lot of liberties with my words, Fang."

"I know," she said, pained. "I know I messed up with you. I can't tell you how sorry I am. Just—don't leave me, babe. Don't crush what we have. I'll make this right…"

The train came to a stop. "That's rich—giving me _more _orders," I answered, jumping off to the platform.

There was enough confusion here to slip past the ticket machines unnoticed again. Fang managed to follow me through the crowd. I shouldn't have let my resentment color my words with her, but I couldn't help it. Apparently, Fang didn't care, since she still followed after me. I didn't want this to devolve into some kind of abusive relationship. I didn't want to forgive her right away, only for things to turn into a constant string of getting back at each other for something else, and something else, and something else after that. She couldn't make _anything _right if I wasn't willing to go along with it. The sad part was that my heart had already decided for me. My head didn't agree… For once in my life, that didn't matter—my heart would take precedence in the end. That alone scared me into not turning to look back at her. Even though it warmed me, hearing her walk behind me through the deserted streets of Euride, I couldn't be at peace with this. Not any time soon.

I noticed a huge mob overcrowding a supermarket not too far away. It looked like they were in the process of looting the store, running away with groceries, with fruits and cans spilling from their arms. People in the street fought over goods that had run out of stock inside. They pummeled each other, ripping away baby food of all things, just to survive. The Ruins of Eden were just past the gate not too far away. More and more people filled the street in front of me, crowding thickly, endlessly, like this was the only place they could stock up on food. I couldn't leave these people like this.

I went over to the store's entrance. Before I could say anything, one of them noticed who I was. The man fumbled the box of diapers in his arms, kneeling to the street, bowing to me. I read his lips as he said my title to his wife next to him. She got down alongside him. Just like a domino effect, the mob of hundreds ceased and followed suit. Some of them muttered Fang's title—_my_ _Pulsian Queen_—and mine together, as if in a trance. She stood behind me, watching everything in awe.

Then, up above, the roar of a massive tiger sounded. Cocoon's crystal barrier washed over the sky as a mix of black and white paint, shaped in the pattern of a white tiger, Byakko—our patron deity. As the paint arched across the solar eclipse, dozens of Luxerion's airships exploded in decorated brush strokes. Scraps and debris rained from the skies. The tiger subsided, and Cocoon's barrier remained in its place. I thought that the citizens in front of me might have gotten up to celebrate. They didn't. They stayed right where they were as if nothing had happened at all.

Fang circled around me. She got back down on her knees, helming the numbers, the respect or the amazement. It hadn't affected me all that much on top of the train. There was something about her doing it _now_. Now, with the backdrop of hundreds, thousands, all kneeling behind her, filling an entire street for miles—with all of that behind her, supporting her or contrasting her. They bowed because they were in awe of me. She did it to apologize—sincerely. No pride…so unlike me.

.

Later that night, Jihl called me to attend a memorial service in Bodhum's central park. The Gestalt had put up a stage between the park's pathways lighted by candles. They'd kept my near-death under wraps, somehow. At first, I thought it was a smart thing of them to do. As I watched the PSICOM and Guardian Corps cadets setting up the stage, I started to re-think that. The whole mood from the PSICOM side of things seemed agitated. As if something else had happened that I didn't know about. Even Jihl had been different than usual—less formal and more concerned for me. She didn't raise my suspicions, but everyone else did.

I hadn't spoken to Fang since we left Euride. I was surprised…she'd only called me once without leaving a voicemail. I didn't know why I expected her to blow up my phone. I did tell her to wait, and that I needed some time to think things over. Standing in the faint chill of the evening, I felt everything turning on its head. Like I'd made a fatal mistake in telling her to stay away from me. Fatal because I felt those tastes of death slipping down my throat. She'd crossed me, and I missed her anyway. I couldn't even hate it anymore. Looking around this park and not seeing her next to me put everything into perspective. Seeing all the couples taking their seats in the endless audience stretching down the park made it all worse.

Jihl found me next to the stage. "Savior," she said, smiling as usual. It seemed forced. "We'll be starting in a few moments. General Raines will say a few words, followed by Lieutenant-Colonel Rosch. I'm aware of your aversion to public speaking. We simply need you to stand on the stage with us, along with your comrades." She gestured to Snow, Sazh, Hope, Serah and Vanille opposite of us. Fang was there, too, with her hand on her hip, staring up at the trees, oddly standoffish. Hiding her emotions. "I've also put in the final word for PSICOM's charity ball at the Patron's palace in Yusnaan. It will be held the first Saturday of November. I _will _need you to speak to a few dignitaries there. If it's all right with you, I'd like to schedule a few meetings, for us to go over the standard etiquette with these types of events."

"Uh, sure," I said, distracted. Fang hadn't noticed me yet. "When do you want to meet?"

Jihl handed me a manila folder. "You'll find the times and dates all organized here," she replied.

I opened the folder. There was only one sheet of paper inside with Jihl's handwritten note: _I have vital information for you. It will be delivered to you by a trusted source tonight after the service. Meet me back here at noon next Sunday so that we can discuss what you find. We're being watched._

"I trust that these fit around your busy schedule?" prompted Jihl, smiling again.

"These will work just fine," I said, closing the folder. I couldn't focus on what her note had said. I glanced across the stage and found Fang staring at me. Heat rose from my neck to my face, despite myself.

Jihl checked her watch. "We're due to begin in a moment," she announced. "When we take to the stage, be sure to stand close to Fang. Offer her your arm, share a brief kiss—the citizens need to see you together, now more than ever." I scowled and looked away. Of course, Jihl caught it. "Whatever your private disagreements, this is part of your contract, and your duty—not only to Cocoon, but to your partner. Or have you forgotten that section of the oath you swore?"

"It was kind of after the fact," I remembered.

She sighed in disapproval. "Recite one of the key lines about her."

"…I promised to uphold Fang's honor in the eyes of the world, and to protect her from any threat, internal or external."

Jihl adjusted her glasses, looking at me pointedly, as if to make a point—there was no getting out of this. Everyone in the audience had taken their seats. Then I noticed all the cameras. This was going to be on television and streamed on the internet, broadcasted to all of Cocoon, and probably Nova Chrysalia. Cid and Rosch took to the stage with their security detail. Fang and the others followed close behind. Jihl kept her hand along the rapier sheathed at her hip, leading the way up the steps. She'd instructed me to keep one of my swords sheathed in the same place instead of over my back, just for the memorial. I followed her lead, both in hand and in step, watching Fang watch me. She was behind and off to the side from Cid, who stood at the podium, greeting those in the audience and the ones watching from home.

I hoped that the focus wouldn't really be on Fang and me. I was pissed off and in love with her, on a raging rollercoaster of both, and Jihl wanted me to pretend that things were perfectly fine. In a way, it was simple. I could focus on the way the lights washed over Fang's skin, how they lit up her eyes. The heat between us didn't diminish when I neared her. I offered her my arm to hold; managed to kiss her neck; bit down on my lip to keep from reacting to her softness in my ear. She was demure for once as she leaned on me throughout the service, holding my arm in both of hers. I stared at the rosewood of the stage with her, wondering if our eyes were on the same strip of polish. It was such a small, silly thing to think about after everything.

And then it registered—all over again—how many lives I'd sacrificed, all to keep her here with me…

Cid's voice filtered through after a while, "…and for those who lost their lives today, let us remember them for how they lived—not how they died. Let us cling together as we set aside personal differences, uniting in remembrance…Lieutenant-Colonel Rosch would now like to offer a few more words for us all."

Rosch approached the podium, bowing his head as Cid stepped aside. "I had hoped…that Luxerion's first attack would be the last for a long while," he began, grave. "Though we managed to erect Cocoon's barrier, thwarting their attack, many of our friends, family and loved ones were lost on this day. As a head representative of PSICOM, of the Gestalt, it saddens me deeply to witness such loss here in our community…" He paused. His grief looked as real as it sounded. I didn't expect it at all—not from someone like him. Then again, I hardly knew the man. All I did know about him was that his one goal was to protect Cocoon and its citizens—no matter the cost. "Following General Raines' kind words, indeed, let us cling together and remain steadfast. This war is not yet won or lost on either front. So long as we stay one step ahead of the enemy, we will persevere."

When the service was over, Serah pulled me aside to talk. I explained to her that I needed some time alone. She was worried, of course—reminding me that I'd almost died earlier in the day, and that she wanted to look after me. I told her that the best way to do that was to give me space for the time being. No one else knew the real reason why I didn't want to be around anyone. As long as Fang chose to keep that to herself, no one would find out. Considering the circumstances, it would have made things more awkward than they had to be if people knew.

I promised my sister that I'd pay her a visit once I got over this. She seemed satisfied enough with that, and left with Vanille. Snow drove Fang back to the café before I had a chance to say anything to her. I felt like I'd missed out on something by _not _speaking to her, even though I'd already told her to leave me alone. Again, all these contradictions…I couldn't keep up with them.

I went for a walk through the park, hoping to clear my head. It wouldn't clear. Not in a few minutes. Not in a few hours. Not even in days or weeks—not unless I spoke to Fang again. Not unless I could find it in me to forgive her. Part of me already had. It was just that one complication… That one small thing from not knowing, not believing her. After the strange warning I'd had from Vespair, I'd already come to terms with Fang's unspoken power over me: the way she could command me to please her through my sleep, worshipping her as she needed. I liked that… I didn't mind it. It was the rest of the possibilities that I couldn't accept—if she'd really touched me in ways that I couldn't stand to think about. If she'd brought me back down to my anatomy that I'd been ignoring ever since puberty. If she'd put me in that place of vulnerability that I couldn't stand, without my knowledge, without my say…

With that thought, I heard something rustling in the trees above me. Glossy photograph papers floated down from the branches like falling leaves. Through the branches, I saw Vespair sitting upside-down there, smirking as usual. I didn't have to pick up the pictures to see exactly what they showed. I froze at the sight of the story there at my feet, with more added to it as pictures continued to float down to the darkened grass. Those leaves were covered in my figurative blood:

That blond guy that Serah had met at the beach was there in the photographs. He wore a PSICOM military uniform, saluting to Rosch. Like a storyboard, I saw them both in an adjacent picture—Rosch handing a vial of poison to him, his expression completely serious—and Serah's friend, accepting the vial, eyes widened; nervous, uncertain, implicated; guilty of an attempt on my life, by orders from one of the heads of the government.


	13. Androgynous Anxiety

"_Sunset Prism" from Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII_

_**XIII. **__Androgynous Anxiety _

I spent the whole weekend in bed, doing absolutely nothing. Thinking, feeling—both at the same time, with neither one taking over the other. Everything was so different now. I didn't just _feel _for Fang when I woke up in the morning. The feeling was constant throughout my days and nights—loud and never-ending. I couldn't recover without her, but at the same time, I knew I needed this time to myself. If I went back to her as if nothing had happened, I wouldn't have been able to forgive myself. Fang needed to know that this was serious for me…and I needed to prepare myself to explain _why_: why it was that I couldn't handle the possibility of her touching me, consensual or not; awake or not; whether she'd done it or not. I stared at my phone, as if waiting for Fang to call me. To keep apologizing. To tell me how much she missed me. She never did. She gave me my space like I'd asked her to. Time to myself ended up leaving a void. Time without her drained me, made me hate myself for falling into this place I couldn't leave. I couldn't turn off my feelings and be okay again just like that. Not like before. Never again—not with the woman I loved.

It was Monday morning already. I'd promised Mog that I would go see about the Secutors sneaking around his village. I couldn't let him down just because I was in an off-mood.

I stood in front of my bathroom mirror. I'd stared up at the ceiling of my shower out of habit. Looking down without my clothes on was impossible for me. I couldn't stand to look at myself without at least my sleeveless tank and boxer briefs on, like I had on now. All white, bleeding the color of my skin from the water dripping from my hair. I wrapped my arms over my chest, holding my neck. Even though Fang had never said it out loud, I knew the way she desired me. She enjoyed switching things up. Every now and then, she wanted me the way I preferred to have her. Ever since the memorial, I couldn't stop thinking about it—even more so than Rosch wanting me dead. Whatever his plans were, I'd decided to put them out of my mind until I spoke to Jihl on Sunday. I trusted Jihl to make sure nothing happened to me in the meantime. It wasn't as if I was in the right mindset to focus on that, anyway.

After putting on that same white hooded jacket, and a pair of dark jeans with men's sneakers, I left my house, walking across town to Mog's village in the Jagd Forest. I wasn't really in the best mood to drive yet. I read over old text message conversations from Fang for the hour or so it took to get to the forest. Wearing the hood over my head kept people from recognizing me as the Savior. No matter how warm it was out here, I didn't want to risk the unwanted attention. It relaxed me to blend in with everyone outside. I didn't have to worry about guys looking at me like they thought they could have me. Women, either. No one could tell what I was—male or female, and I liked it that way. I've enjoyed it for as long as I could remember, since I was fifteen, when I'd killed who I was to become Lightning. That was when puberty had really started for me. That was when I'd learned the difference, socially, between genders, and when I'd told myself that none of it was fair. I'd spent too many nights crying myself to sleep out of frustration—that I had to deal with sexism no matter how far I looked away; that I couldn't have the freedom that men did to chase after any woman they wanted; that it was expected of me to act a certain way because of what I was born as…something I never asked for.

To make things worse, I always felt that these were things I had no control over. The powerlessness was what got to me the most. I had no desire to transition into a man. I still would have felt society's injustice regardless. Pretending to be neither gender was all I could do to leave those feelings behind.

Androgyny was as much of a crutch for me as it liberated me. It helped me deal with those other issues, but it brought up another set entirely: I'd shut myself off, sexually. Fang was the only person I wanted to open up for. Now more than ever, I wanted to go to her and set all of this aside. This illusion I'd built for myself that I wasn't a man or a woman…it couldn't go on. Not really. I caught myself thinking about her on top of me a few times. That building resistance blocked me off like it always did. Like my skin and my insides had both suddenly knotted up and turned to stone, and I couldn't function unless I shook those thoughts away. And yet I knew that I could make another exception for her…eventually. Thinking about that _eventually _for even a few seconds made me way too emotional. I couldn't face it any time soon.

When I made it to the Jagd Forest, I noticed all the dead Secutors everywhere. They must have died when Hope and his team had activated Cocoon's crystal barrier. Each time I passed one by, I knelt down to collect their dog tags. No matter what they'd been here for, their families deserved to know that they weren't going back home. I had a few dozen hanging from my arms once I reached the middle of the forest. I sat down on a tree stump, staring down at all the names.

"Lightning? Is that you, kupo?"

Mog found me. He seemed glad to see me at first. Then he realized how down I was. His bauble wilted as he sat down over my knee. He tried to find something to say for a minute. I appreciated that he cared. I didn't expect to have this kind of moment with him.

"What's the matter, kupo?" he asked. "Fang visited earlier today. She was sad, too, kupo…"

Hearing her name made my heart skip a beat. "It's…complicated, Mog," I explained.

"You both said the same thing, kupo," he replied. "The same way, too. You're sure you don't want to talk about it? I'm a good listener, kupo."

Telling him a few things wouldn't have been too bad. I didn't want to hurt Mog's feelings by pushing him away. "I've been avoiding everyone," I told him. "I said to them that I need some time to think things over. Something happened and I don't know how to deal with it."

"Is it from when you were in the hospital? I heard about the person who poisoned you, kupo…"

"That's part of it."

Mog nodded in understanding. "You should know that your friends miss you, kupo," he said. "We almost lost you! I think the others want to give you time. It's hard for them, kupo. Especially Fang…she was really upset earlier, kupo. When do you think you'll be ready to talk to everyone?"

"I'm not sure," I replied. "I know that they care. This is something I have to think about on my own…"

I heard heavy footsteps approaching us. Then Snow appeared in the clearing. He smiled and waved to us. When he looked at me, something in his eyes told me that he _knew. _Or that he at least knew why Fang and I weren't speaking.

"Hey you two," said Snow. "Am I interrupting? You both seem pretty serious."

Mog went back to his usual happy state. "No, kupo, we were just talking!" he replied. "Did you forget something earlier this morning?"

"Nah, a little chocobo told me Lightning was on her way here," answered Snow, grinning. "Figured I'd stop by and see if I could catch her before she left."

"You wanted to find me?" I asked.

"Yeah! You know, to talk…see how you're doing, since you won't answer my calls."

Again, something else I didn't expect. It was a nice surprise, really. "It's hard to explain," I said.

Snow rubbed the back of his head. "I figured you'd say that…"

Mog noticed the dog tags hanging from my arm. "What are those, kupo?" he asked. "Dog tags from the Secutors? You collected them?" I handed them to him to take a look at. He cast a spell to make them float with him. "We can get these to Luxerion, kupo. It's our own moogle delivery service! The others in the village shouldn't mind finding the rest. We're not in danger anymore, kupo. Thank you for coming to make sure!" Mog stopped just before he was about to leave. He hovered close to my head and hugged me as best as he could. I blinked away my emotions from the sudden gesture. "Feel better soon, kupo… Everything will be just fine!"

"Thanks, Mog," I said. He waved goodbye to Snow and me, then left to return to his village.

Snow sat down next to me on the tree stump. "That was really sweet of him," he commented. "Wish I could do that for you. You and I were never all that close, you know? What with you not approving of me for Serah, and everything else I did before. Despite all of that, something told me to find you."

"Why do you think that is?" I wondered.

"Well…I feel like you're still my sister," he mumbled. "It wasn't easy in the hospital the other day… I kept thinking about all those times I pissed you off before—wishing I could take all of that back. You mean a lot to me, Lightning. We're both orphans…I've always looked up to you in a way. If there's anything I can do for you, I'll do it."

"…I appreciate that, Snow. I just don't know what you or anyone could do in this situation."

Snow sighed, taking a minute to think. He hesitated before suggesting, "We could…talk about it."

The first thing that came to mind was that he couldn't possibly understand. Then again, Snow had been through a lot over the years. I didn't want to insult his intelligence by thinking that he couldn't relate to me at least a little. I knew I'd hurt his feelings, too, if I closed myself off from him.

"All right," I said. Snow beamed at me. "I get the feeling you already know most of it. Did Fang tell you?"

"Oh, yeah, kinda…" He stood up, pointing behind him. "Hey, how about we get outta here first? Lake Bresha isn't too far away. They turned the place into a harbor with a nice boardwalk and everything. We can talk on the way there."

I agreed to go with him. He drove us there in his car, explaining how it was he knew about this. Back on Gran Pulse, Snow had walked in on Fang and me during one of our episodes. I didn't remember, of course, because I'd been asleep at the time. It was in the Sulyya Springs, in one of the caves at the base of a waterfall. She'd hissed at him to get out and never tell anyone about what he saw.

"The next morning," he went on, "I was sort of oblivious, since Fang didn't really explain anything. So, you know, I kinda ribbed her, grinning and joking about it. Then she pulled me aside and told me the truth. I was speechless… I didn't understand. After she laid everything out, she made me swear again to not tell a soul. Ever since then, we've been pretty close. I haven't told anyone else other than you."

I stared out the window to the crystal dust glittering in the afternoon sun. "You knew all this time…?"

"Yeah, but, I made a promise," explained Snow. "Fang and I are true bros. I couldn't betray her trust."

"She's your _bro_?" I asked, baffled.

Snow laughed. "We've got our own little bromance going!" he said. I rolled my eyes. "No, seriously—I _wanted _to tell you… I'm sorry I couldn't. I figured it was one of those things that would come out on its own. It wasn't my place. Fang's been holding onto her guilt for centuries, Light…it wasn't easy for her to come clean. She did it because she respects you…"

I should have been livid with her. Instead, all I could do was look out to the crystal dust of the Ashensand Sea not too far away, wishing Fang was there with me. There were ships there along the harbor with no one on board. She would have wanted to hijack one of them to sail to Gran Pulse across the sea. If the government wouldn't let her fly, then she would have taken the next available avenue. I would have supported her, despite the possible consequences from getting caught. I would have done anything for her…

"And now it's too late," I whispered. Snow parked next to the ice-like boardwalk. He heard my emotions dripping down over the passenger's door. I didn't want him to see me like this. "Fang's timing was too perfect. If she'd told me any sooner, I would have left and never looked back. I would have taken my feelings for her and buried them away for good. But now…things have grown beyond what I'm used to. Finally having her honesty has opened these floodgates in me. I don't know what to do."

"Do you mean it's too late…as in you're in love with her?"

All I could do was nod my head. I couldn't say the words yet. Snow rubbed my shoulder for support. He had us go outside to sit on a nearby bench together. Only a few other people were out walking along the boardwalk that day. There was an ice cream stand not too far away. Snow bought me a cone of cookies and cream ice cream. It was my favorite. He must have asked Fang which flavor I preferred, because I couldn't remember ever telling him myself. We sat and talked for hours, watching the sunset's orange haze creep through the clouds. I managed to tell him enough about why Fang's actions bothered me. Even beyond my insecurities, there was always that questionable consent that I couldn't wrap my mind around. There was a part of me that enjoyed it, if only because it was with her and no one else.

While talking to Snow, I could finally admit that I liked the power that Fang had over me to make me do whatever she wanted. He really opened my eyes. This issue I had with not letting anyone touch me was deeply rooted in this androgynous illusion I'd built for myself. He helped me see why Fang was the one who I'd let tear down these barriers.

"I mean, I get it," said Snow. "You're the hardened soldier who won't let anyone dominate her. If you were straight, I couldn't picture you letting a guy anywhere near you. There's that stigma about the guy _nailing _the girl, and he's this awesome macho man, but the girl is supposed to be weak for giving it up to him… You don't want that—not even with another woman, right?"

"Pretty much… I wouldn't want to feel weak like that. Not for anything."

"There's another way to look at it," he offered. "From what you've told me, you like novelty. What's newer than being something you've never been before? You could easily be a switch like that."

I shook my head. "I'm not sure what you mean…"

Snow looked up to the sky, thinking. "Let's put it this way," he tried again. "In the BDSM scene, there's this concept called fear play. It's possible to get off to your own fears. When you trust the person you're with, they can take you to that edge and hold you there. Kind of like sleeping in the dark for the first time as a kid, and seeing for yourself that there's nothing to be afraid of… It's the same thing—facing your fears with the one you trust. It doesn't always have to be about sex."

Something inside of me clicked. I didn't know exactly what it was. It was still shadowed behind my inexperience. I could taste its form. I could smell it. I knew that—whatever it was—it was something that only Fang fueled in me.

"Does questionable consent fall under that?" I asked.

"It does for plenty of people, sure," answered Snow. "Rape play usually falls under fear play. Well—edge play, really, but that's a broader term for risky activities. There's a whole world of people out there in the shadows that push the limits of their desires. It's all about _living_, you know? After what you went through, I think it's something you should look into. Fang hasn't had any luck easing you into it."

"You said it's about trust?" I remembered. "Trusting the one you're with to push those limits and face your fears, no matter what they are?"

"If that's what you both agree on, yeah. It's whatever you two decide to make it. That's the only real rule. Is it something you're interested in?"

"Yeah, it is," I replied. "There's a lot that I've been running away from. I know Fang's into these things. I just need to learn more about them. I should do some research before I talk to her again."

Snow drove us back to Bodhum, telling me more about BDSM and what it stood for. It was a term I'd heard of before, but…I'd been so ignorant about it. I remembered one night, when Serah was fifteen, and she'd asked me about what it was. It had scared me to think of her getting involved with torture devices, whips and chains, or strange men with too many tattoos and blood fetishes. Those were the only things I'd associated BDSM with. The only part of the acronym I knew was _bondage, _and that alone had sent up red flags for me. I'd told her to stay away from all of those things, and to never do drugs, to not sneak into clubs behind my back, to avoid drinking until she was of legal age, to not stay out partying when she should have been studying, to not have sex before she was married… I'd made her afraid all of those things instead of instilling positive values in her. I'd preached for her to be a straightedge without any personality whatsoever, all to keep her safe. And now, here we were, centuries later, and I'd gone against nearly everything I'd told her. She must have thought I was a huge hypocrite. That was why she and I couldn't get along anymore. It was why she couldn't accept Fang in my life as my girlfriend. It would have been ten times worse if my sister knew why I'd shut myself off from everyone recently.

I really needed to talk to Serah about this soon.

When we made it back to the city that night, Snow took me to one of the sex shops near Imperial Beach. It was a run-down area, but the store itself wasn't all that bad. The windows were tinted and the walls were dark, as if to hide what the shop was from everyone walking by outside. There were hundreds of different toys and clothes all along the shelves and racks. Vibrators, anal beads, flavored condoms, swings, medical play sets, role-playing uniforms, lingerie, straitjackets, strap-ons, bits and gags, collars, monster dildos in dozens of colors…

Snow ribbed me. "You look like you know what all this stuff is already," he teased.

"There was this quest I had to do for someone in Yusnaan," I explained. "I couldn't save his soul until I helped him pick out the right toy for his wife. I actually had to go into one of these shops with him."

"What!?" blurted Snow. "No way!"

"How else would I know what these things are…?"

Snow pointed to the leather shoes on the nearest rack. "All right, then what are these?" he asked.

"They're fuck me boots," I answered.

Snow burst out laughing in surprise. After testing me on some of the toys, he guided me over to one of the magazine and video sections of the store. The sign hanging over the section read _Bondage, Dominance/submission and Sadomasochism Only._

Right away there was a collection of videos that I was drawn to. The covers featured a woman with Fang's skin tone, the same texture to her dark hair, except with hazel eyes instead of green, with similar thick lashes. Snow showed me what the videos were about. On the back of the boxes, they gave brief, err, _visual summaries_, about the types of scenes in each one. This woman—her stage name was, funnily enough, Black Velvet—she was in each scene, some heterosexual, most lesbian, acting out different things like fear play and rape play that Snow had explained to me earlier. I didn't understand the point of most scenes in the brief previews. I knew that if I watched them enough times, I'd learn for myself.

I let Snow buy me the box set of Black Velvet's videos and some of her magazines. He also insisted on buying me a strap-on with an eight-inch dildo _to start off with_. I thanked him for all of his help once he dropped me off at home. He promised not to tell anyone about our conversations. I trusted that he wouldn't. I was really glad I decided to open up to him. He surprised me in such a nice way.

.

I spent the entire week holed up in my room, watching Black Velvet's videos. I watched several of them more than once. By Friday, I still hadn't gotten over the shock from seeing some of these scenes. Around five o'clock, I was in bed, staring wide-eyed at my television screen in morbid anticipation. Black Velvet was in her bedroom, wearing only an oversized T-shirt that came to her thighs. She flipped through the pages of a magazine, seemingly normal and innocent, idly touching herself. The camera shifted outside to where about a dozen men huddled around her front door, trying to decide if they should pick the lock or barge their way in. When one of them attempted to pick the lock, I gripped my bag of white fudge-covered pretzels. The pretzel missed my mouth when he got the door to open.

Black Velvet heard the creaking floorboards from down the hall. She panicked and looked around. By the time she opened the window, a few of the men rushed in her room, grabbing her around her waist. They slammed her down on the bed, unzipping their pants. She struggled against them and screamed for help. One of them shoved his dick down her throat to shut her up. Another ripped her shirt off to grope her breasts. Yet another forced her legs open to fuck her—and another got underneath her, keeping Black Velvet on top of him to fuck her ass.

Right when the camera zoomed in on the double penetration, my phone went off. I jumped a little, startled, looking over to see who it was. Serah. She had the _absolute worst _timing! I paused the video and turned off my TV, taking the call.

"What is it?" I said, irritated over the interruption.

It sounded like she had company. A lot of company. Considering what I'd just seen… "_Hey, sis!_" she slurred. Why was there so much noise…? "_I've missed yooouuu… Come over to my place so we can talk, okay?! You've been on your own for too, too long! It's time for some sisterly bonding!_"

"…Serah, are you drunk? It sounds like you're at a party."

She made an exaggerated gasp. _"I am not!"_ she lied. Then I heard Vanille cheering in the background. _"Just come over to my apartment! You have my address! It's 32C, remember? The same as my bra size."_

My sister was officially out of it. "Right," I answered. "I'll be over there as soon as possible…"

"_Oh, good! I love you, sis! See you in a bit!"_

"I love you, too…"

After I hung up, I had to count backward from ten to calm down. Now that she was in college, she had every reason to rebel against what I'd preached to her before. I'd made the mistake of thinking she was above that. I changed my boxer briefs and turned my video player off before leaving. I'd gotten attached to this white jacket and decided to wear it again. The drive over to Serah's apartment only took about ten minutes. It was worse when I made it to her school. College kids were out and about, running around in the middle of the night. Some of them had no clothes on whatsoever, racing through the streets for the shock factor. Nearly every sorority and fraternity house I passed was lit up in a full party, with people walking in and out with kegs and packs of beer. I could almost smell the alcohol in the warm air through my car's ventilation system.

When I got to Serah's apartment, I saw her silver car parked in the front. I found a space for visitors not too far away and parked there. From the lobby alone, I heard constant thrumming from music blasting throughout the complex. While I waited for the elevator, I looked outside and saw people skinny dipping in the communal swimming pool. When the elevator doors opened, I recoiled back at the sight there. There was some college jock with his back to me, standing in the corner, taking a piss right there with his friends laughing at him. They all laughed harder when they saw me. I scoffed in sheer disgust when the stench floated outward.

I took the stairs two at a time up to the third floor instead. This was hardly an improvement. Red plastic cups were littered all over the ground. The smell of spilled beer overpowered me. I had to take care to not step on the puddles on every landing. I imagined myself going straight to the college's administration, demanding to know why they let their students run wild like this on the weekends. This was unreal to me.

Finally, I'd made it to the hallway where Serah's place was. Sure enough, there was a party going on in nearly every apartment I passed by. At least they had the decency to keep their doors closed. When I turned a corner, the voice I heard made me freeze in place.

"Turn that shit down, will you?! Some of us are tryin' to read over here!"

Fang slammed her fist against the neighbor's door. I stared at her in shock. What the hell was she doing here? How? _Why_? When the person turned their music down, Fang grumbled and came back down the hall. Then she noticed me standing near the door to Serah's apartment. She stopped for a bit, looking just as surprised as I was. In my mind, I tempted the possibility of pushing her back against the wall and kissing her. I couldn't do it. I wanted to…but there were so many things that I needed to know first. I walked over to her anyway, to at least let her know that I wasn't angry anymore, and that we could talk. I knew she would have spent hours standing there waiting for me to make a move first otherwise.

"What are you doing here…?" I asked. "This _is _my sister's apartment, isn't it?"

"Err, yeah, about that…" Fang let out the breath she'd been holding in. "Vanille worked her magic with your sister. Serah and I get along just fine now."

I narrowed my eyes in suspicion, asking, "What magic?"

Fang leaned against the wall, staring down at my sneakers. "Now's not really the time to explain all that," she muttered. I stood right in front of her, looking her over. Her skin was oddly pale. "Serah's not here. She and Vanille are at some frat party down the street. It's the house with the bright green flag on it. You can't miss it." Fang tried to walk around me, as if our conversation was over. I held her wrist. She stopped, but she still wouldn't look me in the eye. "I know you're not here to see me, Lightning. You were too surprised just now when you turned the corner. Besides, it's been a week since we spoke. You would've called or sent me a text by now if you were thinkin' of me."

"I said I needed time to myself," I reminded her.

"And I respect that…"

I pushed her up against the wall. She gasped; I brushed my lips along her jaw, tasting her fear from this distance. "That doesn't mean you haven't been on my mind," I whispered in her ear. I could smell the traces of tears that had dried along the edges of her hair. "I've wanted to feel you breathing against me like this. My logic is barely holding me back right now. You have no idea…"

Fang eased me away by my shoulders. "You're supposed to be pissed at me," she said quietly.

"I feel everything with you, Fang," I told her. That was as close as I could get to telling her that I loved her. She looked at me with the depth of her understanding. I wanted to explore that depth in her so badly. "Come with me. Help me find my sister. After that, you and I need to talk."

After she locked the door to Serah's apartment, we went downstairs and outside to the rest of the madness in the streets. Any other time, Fang would have been amused by everything going on. Instead, she was quiet as I held her hand, thinking. I rubbed my thumb over hers from time to time, reminding her that I was there; telling her without words that I'd missed her. She was right—I should have been pissed off at her. Snow had helped a lot with making me see _why _I wasn't angry with her. Before, I'd known that I hadn't reacted the way I normally would have. Without knowing the why behind it, I'd been completely lost. Learning my reasons had helped me come to terms with everything.

Unfortunately, that didn't make me any less angry with my sister. Serah had thrown all responsibility completely out the window for the sake of rebelling against me. I knew I wasn't one to talk, but Fang and I had never done anything like _this_ before. When we got to the fraternity house, the entire downstairs floor was packed beyond reason. The house was dark save for the strobe lights flashing everywhere. Hip-hop music blasted through the speakers while people grinded against each other in the living room. Others were in the kitchen, chugging alcohol. The people in the dining room played beer pong, cheering as if it was a real sport.

I had Fang walk in front of me, holding her around her waist so we wouldn't get separated. In the hallways, we passed by people making out. Some of them had sex right there in the open. Fang didn't even chuckle at that. She really was upset…

"We'll leave as soon as we find my sister," I spoke to her. "I just want to make sure she's all right."

Fang nodded against me. Then she gestured with her head to the stairs nearby. I walked up the flight of stairs with her, surprised by the change in noise level. It was too quiet upstairs in comparison. When Fang made it to the top, she stopped all of a sudden. She paused, looking around the corner with wide eyes. Then she grabbed my hand, hurrying back down again.

"Hell, we've gotta go," she said in a rush, pulling me along.

"Wait a minute!" I told her, holding my ground. "What's going on? Why are we leaving?"

"Lightning, this ain't the time!" argued Fang. "We've gotta nope the fuck outta here right now! What's goin' on up there is _not_ for your eyes! Now let's go!"

"I told you I'm not leaving until I find Serah!" I yelled. "Is she up there or not?!"

Fang sighed heavily. "Fine, go have a look," she conceded. "Don't say I didn't warn you."

When I made it to the topmost step, I leaned against the corner. I heard drunken giggling from my sister. She spoke with someone else in a quiet voice, sounding like such a different person… I peeked around and saw her in the dark hallway, barely standing against the wall not too far away. Vanille was there in front of her, holding her against the wall. I couldn't tell what their expressions were—not from looking at them. Listening to their conversation filled in the blanks.

Serah hooked her index finger along her lower lip, swaying a little. "I told you Shawn's just my friend," she said. "All I want from him is information… I'm tired of everyone thinking that he and I are dating. He seems too interested in my sister… I wanna protect her. Now more than ever after what happened… He might know more about Noel, too. You remember Noel and I were good friends. I can't believe how much he's changed…it hurts too much to think about it."

"And if he ever asks you to sleep with him for information," pressed Vanille, "Would you do it?"

"No! I don't want him like that. He looks too much like Snow… That's just wrong."

Vanille sighed. "Serah, I can't keep doing this," she whispered. "Snow's asking me too many questions. He thinks he's moved on from you already. Dodging his advances does nothing. He's convinced that he wants me. I don't know how to explain this to him…"

Serah wrapped her arms around Vanille's neck. "Then don't," she ordered. "Don't insist I want other guys when you know that isn't the truth. You know that I need you more than he does." She pulled Vanille closer to her. "You act so sweet and innocent in front of everyone else… Snow wants to be your Master. He thinks you want to suck his cock until you choke on command. But I know the truth about you…"

Their breaths stopped, lips locked. Vanille broke away suddenly. "Please, not here…"

"The out-of-control submission you make me feel every night is amazing," Serah went on. "You know just what to say to me. You know exactly where I want to be touched. I want it here. I want it now."

I turned to press my back against the wall, winded, like I'd gone down the hill on a rollercoaster. I couldn't breathe. Water streamed down from my eyes. My sister was my foil. My opposite. My shadow. She had no problems about being submissive like that, whereas I wanted to hit the ground running at the mere thought of acting the same. And Serah did these things…with _Vanille? _Vanille! Sweet, bubbly Vanille whom I never would have suspected of anything like this… There they were. Kissing down the hall, and borderline having sex with each other, like nearly everyone else at this party.

Fang waved her hand in front of my face. "Lightning…? Anyone home?"

I shook my head in disbelief. "I can't…"

"You can't believe what you saw, right? What did I tell you?"

"Are you _staying _with them?" I asked. "You hear this going on every night?!"

Fang finally cracked a smile. "I kinda figured this was goin' on," she said. "When Vanille told me the place only had one bedroom, I knew right away. They're happy with this little arrangement they've got, so…there ain't much either of us could say about it."

"But my _little sister_—she's—what _arrangement_?"

"Your little sister's in college now, and she wants to experiment. You've set a nice example for her."

No. I couldn't accept this. Not…_like this_. Things refused to compute properly. I could _hear her _from down the hall. I had to leave. I had to go. I couldn't process this with so much going on all at once. Fang gently pulled me by my hand, reminding me that it was time to go. She supported me around my shoulders, helping me to walk down the stairs. We only made it halfway before I made us stop. There was a blond man at the bottom of the staircase. He stared up at me like a deer in headlights. I recognized him from the photographs Vespair had given me last week. It was Shawn—Serah's so-called friend who'd poisoned me. I was about to jump down and attack him, detain him, kill him—I didn't know, I only wanted to hurt him for what he'd done to me.

Shawn pulled out a handgun from his pocket. Fang had no idea that it was _him_. She jumped down the flight of steps, fully intent on protecting me. With trembling hands, Shawn held the gun to his temple and fired. The music stopped and people screamed in panic. Blood exploded out the other side of his skull, spattering over the nearest wall. He slumped to the ground, dead. Fang landed in the pool of his blood. Everyone else ran outside. I heard one of them screaming on the phone with the police.

Fang stared up at me in horror. She asked me with her eyes what this was all about. I couldn't even begin to explain it to her.


	14. Love Me Tender

**Note **\- I had to remove the scene here because I used it in one of my books. It was either that or I had to delete the whole story. This was the lesser of two evils.

_**XIV. **__Love Me Tender – Love me true_

Beaming blue and red lights from the police cars and ambulance lit everyone along in the street. College students huddled together behind the police tape, trying to get a better look at the paramedics pulling Shawn's body into the ambulance. I stared at the stretcher carrying his body. He'd had his reasons for killing himself instead of waiting for that scene on the stairs to play out. I set all of that speculation to the back of my mind. Jihl would have more to tell me in a few days. I pulled my jacket tighter around me from the winds growing colder by the minute. The officer in front of me finished jotting down what I had to say about the incident. He seemed to believe already that Shawn's death was a suicide, both from my testimony and the evidence they'd collected from the scene. After he thanked me for my time, I stepped away, wondering if I did the right thing. The officer had asked me if I knew any reasons as to why Shawn had killed himself. I'd said that I didn't know him well enough to guess.

Off to the side, I saw Vanille holding my sister. Serah shook her head along the crook of Vanille's neck, mumbling about what had happened. I had more questions than comforts for Serah—it wasn't a good time for me to confront her. Not while she was upset. I walked farther down the street to where Fang was. She sat down along the curb, smoking a blunt of black velvet with shaking hands. I couldn't tell if it was her nerves or the cold making her shake so much. I took my jacket off and set it over her shoulders. I sat down behind her, holding her waist close to mine.

Fang calmed down right away. "I still can't believe that was _him_," she muttered. "I wasn't thinkin' at all. They'd have hauled me off to prison if I'd gotten my hands on him." I plucked the black velvet from her hand and smoked it. I held back a fit of coughs from how strong this was. "Easy there, Light. I found one of my catalysts next to the guy's dead body. If that ain't morbid irony, I don't know what is."

"How have you been doing, stuck in Bodhum like this?" I asked. "You haven't been out to find more catalysts for your crystals. Or do you find them just fine?"

"This is the first one I've found since we went out to dinner that night… I've had better days."

There was so much I wanted to tell her. Holding her like this helped me pull my thoughts together. I took one last moment to make sure this was the right thing. That I wasn't stupid for going back to her after everything. I knew that it was too late for me to leave. It scared me to think that I wouldn't move from this spot, even if she'd only fooled me into thinking she was a good person. Fang was more complicated than I could imagine. She had more to her—more sides that might have scared me again, worse, _more_. If I avoided all of that, then all I had to look forward to was a life of complacency. She would have always been in the back of my mind, taunting me for my cowardice…

I noticed one of the cops staring at us. "Let's get out of here," I said, helping Fang stand up. "The police don't know that this is a drug. I don't want to give them a reason to find out."

"Yeah, sorry," she replied. "I wasn't thinkin' straight again. Tonight's just not my night." We walked together back to Serah's apartment complex. "You still want us to talk? Or are you headin' back home?"

"Both," I answered. She frowned, not understanding. When we got to my car, I opened the passenger's side door for her. "Spend the night with me, Fang. We can talk on the way to my place. I know you haven't been able to relax here. It's too loud."

Fang stared at me in disbelief. "You're sure…?" she asked.

I held her hand, guiding her to sit—letting that speak for me. Once I closed her door and walked around to the other side, I looked over in Serah's general direction. I'd have to speak with her some other time. She deserved to know who her _friend _had really been and what he'd done to me. Later. For now, easing Fang's anxieties away was more important to me. During the drive back, I explained that I wasn't angry with her, and how Snow had helped me come to terms with everything. For the time being, I stayed away from the subject of my insecurities. I felt like she understood enough about that just from observing me over the years. She listened to me with such patience. I felt her troubles slipping away through her hand in mine. I sensed that some of them didn't leave her completely.

Maybe she thought she didn't deserve me after what she'd done. She wouldn't say the words.

"Since we're on the subject of honesty," I continued, "Is there anything else you need to tell me? Something you're keeping from me?"

"Nothing that I've done," she said. "That's a promise."

"Then what aren't you telling me?"

All the city lights reflected off of Fang's face, barely masking the darkness there. "After what I did, you trust me enough to have that kind of relationship," she spoke, like it was a bad thing. "I don't understand how you can do that. Your birthday's comin' up in a couple of weeks. I thought you were gonna spend it without me. Now you're tellin' me that you want me to stop holdin' back. You've got no idea what you've givin' me permission to do. If I let loose in a scene, you won't recognize me."

"If I do the same, you won't recognize me, either," I told her. "What matters most is that the trust is there. When things get out of hand, that's what the safe words are for: _fuck off._"

Fang laughed, haughty all of a sudden. "You don't know what you're in for," she murmured.

"Mock me all you want," I said. "I'm sure about this."

"It's not that I'm mockin' you…I just don't understand how you feel this way now. _Now, _of all times, after I thought I'd fucked up my chances with you."

"You were finally honest with me," I explained. "Every time we'd get into an argument about you keeping something from me, and you lied and said it had nothing to do with me, I knew better. I didn't have any proof. All I had to go by was my intuition. Now I know why I kept feeling that way. I want your honesty. I want it more than whatever sweet nothings you could whisper in my ear. More than _anything_. I mean that in every sense of the words."

"My honesty," she echoed, tasting the words. "You want it no matter what? Even if it might scare you?"

"Look at it this way," I suggested. "Everyone has something that might scare other people off. If I left every time I found that in someone, I'd only jump from relationship to relationship. I want your compassion as much as I want your darkness. It would be such a waste to only have one side of you. All that does is breed complacency. I want everything with you."

Fang knew that there was something else. "But _why_…?"

I stayed quiet about that. I knew exactly when and where I wanted to tell her. I didn't want it to be in my car while I couldn't even hold her. My silence unsettled her in such a sweet way. Fang didn't know where to stand with me yet, despite everything else I'd said. We said nothing for the rest of the drive. When we got to my house, I asked if she wanted anything to eat. She insisted that she'd had no appetite for days, and that most food would probably upset her stomach. I offered for her to take a bath while I tried to find something that she could eat. The police had let her clean Shawn's blood from her sari and sandals. It was everything else she needed to wash away—all the thoughts she'd had about me leaving. While she was in the bathroom adjacent to my bedroom, I opened my nightstand's topmost drawer. I looked down at the strap-on Snow had bought me last week. Faint light from the bathroom washed over me. I kept staring at the leather straps, thinking about Fang's body and how gorgeous she was. I wanted to know how far she'd let me go with her. I needed to see how much she would bend her spine for me. I imagined her crying out my name in pleasure, in apology. I felt my pulse pick up. I wrapped my hand around the base of the dildo, picturing Fang's hand there instead, pulling me inside of her. Whatever had hooked me to her was there, deep in her core. I wanted to understand it. I wanted to tear it apart and make it bleed if it refused to let me go. I knew that I could never kill it and be free from Fang's thrall. I didn't want to be.

Fang's essence was a train-wreck of burning emotions and restrained impulses. Physically strong, impossibly beautiful, fiercely passionate—barely holding everything back behind her control, slamming into it again and again, crashing, destroying and wrecking without penetrating enough to show anyone the whole truth. I loved being around her because I felt that energy brimming from her with such fullness, no matter how calm she seemed. I needed to show her that I longed to worship the wreckage in her soul. She wouldn't believe my words by themselves.

Eventually, I set it back the strap-on my drawer, changing out of my jeans and jacket. I hadn't let Fang see me in my sleeveless shirt and boxer briefs. If I'd only had on my briefs, then I had on a short-sleeved T-shirt, or regular shorts with the sleeveless top. It was time to break that habit, if only a little bit at a time. I lit some vanilla incense in my room and living room for irony's sake and to calm Fang's nerves. I set a few candles of the same scent along the dining room table, lighting them until the room glowed as softly as a rose. I looked in my freezer to make sure I had enough sherbet ice cream for Fang to eat. That was sure to not upset her stomach.

When I went back to my room, I stood by the bathroom door. It was barely ajar. I listened to Fang sigh heavily as she lay in the bathwater. I thought back to how unsettled she was in the car. I had no idea why that was so satisfying. Pushing her boundaries gave me the same high that her black velvet did.

I stepped into the bathroom. Fang didn't notice me at first. She lay on her side, facing away from me. I kept my steps light along the dark rugs. Her sari was folded neatly over the sink. All of her jewelry lay on top of the blue silk. She noticed that all of my soaps and shampoos were men's products. I saw her staring at the brands along the corner of the bath. Fang had already known that I wore cologne instead of perfume. This added a layer of understanding for her.

She spotted me standing right next to the bath.

Fang nearly jumped in surprise. "Fuck, you scared me!" she breathed, holding her hand over her heart. "Why didn't you say somethin'?" I stared at the lean bends of Fang's thighs through the suds of soap. She took a deep breath, uneasy again. "What is it…?"

I traced my sight to her breasts barely hidden by the layer of bubbling white. "Back when we were in the Sunleth Waterscape," I started, "You told me to watch Bane hunt. I understood the part about being patient and not scaring off your prey. Now that I think about it, there was more you wanted to teach me that day. I'm way more satisfied by your reactions to me when I catch you off guard. Did you want me to learn how to hunt _you_?"

"Yeah…I like the idea of you overpowerin' me," she said quietly. "After you wait, and observe, and take everything in, you'll know exactly what to do. Just like you did right now. You can do anything you want to me, Light…even if you scare me. I can't picture myself usin' our safe words with you."

"Are you only saying that out of guilt?" I asked, kneeling down next to her. Fang wrapped her arms around her chest, sucking in her breath. She shook her head no. "Before we started dating, I would have never imagined that I could scare you. But now…" I caressed her wet-hot neck, down to her shoulders, smiling over the shivers my touch stapled in her skin. "There's something I want to see in you. Not yet. Not while you're expecting it."

I dug my fingertips over her full breasts, down to her waist. Fang arched in my touch—toward me, away from me, and breathing out her moans. I leaned over the bath to kiss her jaw. Firm enough to give her a taste of my intentions. Fang's voice filled my ear. Her anticipation scarred her breathing against my face. I edged my lips closer to hers, closer, to make her breathe harder; to make her want it. I pulled at her hips, forcing her to turn her body over in the water. I gripped the roots of Fang's hair, holding her mouth right at the edge of breathing and drowning.

She tried to hold back the sounds of her fear. There was no point. I liked having her here.

"Be honest with me," I said in her ear. "You like having me do whatever you want, don't you?" I scratched down her back with my free hand. Fang writhed, whining, getting to me. She managed to nod her head for me. "But you know that there's a fine line between consent and non-consent. Whatever possessed you to cross it—that part of you has been hiding from me since then." She bent her legs and arched her back. I smacked her ass hard enough, fast enough to make her cries echo off the walls. "Stop holding it back from me. You don't have _any_ excuses left! I came back to you even when you were positive I wasn't going to. Quit underestimating how much you mean to me."

Fang mumbled her promise that she would do as I said. I let go of her and went over to the counter. The clothes I'd given her were there next to her sari. I checked the T-shirt and shorts again to see how thin they were. I was satisfied enough with them. Fang stepped out of the bath, wrapping a towel around her body. I took her clothes out to my room and set them in the drawer I'd emptied out for her. Once she was dressed, Fang followed me to the dining room. I smiled at her surprise. She couldn't believe that I'd lit candles just for us to eat ice cream together. Even though she was happy, I saw the exhaustion behind her eyes. She must not have slept in days.

After we ate, I lay down on the living room couch with her. The TV was the only light in the room. I watched tigers hunting in the wild with no sound, holding Fang from behind as she slept. Before she'd fallen asleep, I'd whispered how much I'd missed her since last week. How infinitely beautiful she was. That I wasn't going anywhere. Anything I could say to relax her, I'd said it, hoping she would fall asleep within minutes. She had. I breathed in the brisk smell of my soap from her body. I kept my head above hers, breathing in the warmth of her hair, her scalp. Fang's breathing deepened within minutes. I looked up at the clock along the darkened wall—it was half-past eleven. A few hours. Just a few hours…


	15. II: Am I Free?

"_Am I Free" by Wax Tailor_

_**XV. **__Am I Free?_

All those faceless people I'd imagined the other night appeared to me as I walked through the park: invisible in the brisk autumn winds, and fully submerged in the thin shadows all around me. All the people in Rosch's pocket who supported him, who wanted me dead—they were there, watching my every move. Wearing my white hood over my head helped to shield me from them. Being outside like this, while keeping this secret, exposed me too much. I hadn't told Fang that it was Rosch who hired that man to kill me. She thought the guy had just been an agent from Luxerion, and that was it. Not to mention she hadn't left me alone all day yesterday—pushing my limits the entire time, humiliating me in the walls of my own home like I was on display someplace else.

Every time I took a step, I imagined Fang behind me. Stalking me; noticing how vulnerable I was. I had to remember to steady my breathing in case anyone thought to stare at me. So far no one had recognized me as the Savior while I wore this. Most people seemed busy walking their dogs or talking to strangers about the warm October weather. I didn't want to give anyone a reason to look too closely at me.

I sat down on a bench, taking my phone out to look at the time. Just a few minutes until noon. Jihl said she would meet me then. I got a text from Fang. She was out with Serah and Vanille, trying to find a birthday present for me. My birthday wasn't for another two weeks. Fang had insisted that I was difficult to shop for, so she wanted to start looking ahead of time. I couldn't wrap my head around Fang and my sister hanging out together after all the drama that had happened at the hospital. It was one of those things I'd believe once I saw it for myself…

"_Hey, sweet pea! We're at this lingerie store in the mall. I know you don't want nothing from here ;D I wonder if you're looking forward to popping my cherry on your birthday. I know I've been making you wait. Maybe I'll ride you while you do it."_

Attached was a picture of her in a dressing room. She had her phone angled near her toned stomach, looking down. Fang had on a blue lace bra, lifted just enough to partially show her breasts. All of that coupled with the grin on her face heated my neck so badly.

Then I heard Jihl's amused voice, "Savior?"

Jihl stood in front of me, wearing a silk scarf over her head, and a pair of huge, glamorous sunglasses. The rest of her outfit made her look like some stuck-up movie star. She had a St. Bernard puppy napping in her arms. I guessed the idea was for no one to recognize either of us.

"Am I interrupting?" she asked, smiling. "You look preoccupied."

"Err, no, I was just…" There really was no way to explain this.

Jihl sat down on the other end of the bench. "Oh, I understand," she went on. "I'm glad to see you're doing well. Feel free to finish your conversation. I don't mind."

I sent a text back: _"…you have the worst timing. Jihl's here now and she saw my reaction. You do look really hot here…and I am looking forward to it. It's going to be harder for me to focus on this meeting. I hope you're happy." _I put my phone away, picturing Fang having a laugh over the whole thing.

Jihl stared off to the side, petting her puppy's head. "Mind your body language," she said. "Don't face me. Don't appear too invested in what I have to say. We are merely strangers having a passing conversation." She pulled out a newspaper clipping from her designer purse. "There was a terrible story in the news yesterday. A cadet stumbled upon classified recordings of Lieutenant-Colonel Rosch's dealings with your assassin. When he attempted to bring the matter to proper authorities, he was declared unpatriotic and sentenced to death. The media along with most of the government is only aware that the young man spoke out against his superior. They believe he was a terrorist."

"The cadet didn't go to you?" I asked.

"Unfortunately not," responded Jihl. "The young man went to one of many of Rosch's supporters. Ever since Luxerion's l'Cie bombed PSICOM's headquarters, they have since rallied in the shadows, hoping to solve the supposed threat you pose. Your assassin was among the lieutenant-colonel's ranks, albeit against his will."

"Was his name really Shawn? He went to my sister to get information out of her about me."

"No, Shawn was merely a code name," she replied. "Beyond that, our records have him listed as a regular John Doe. He was a refugee from Luxerion, seeking asylum after being discharged from the Secutors. He didn't support Knight-Commander Noel Kreiss' crusade against you. Rosch threatened to have his family killed if he didn't provide key information about getting in and out of the city. That eventually spiraled into an attempt on your life. Had you apprehended him and allowed the police to interrogate him, he would have compromised his mission. For him, suicide was the lesser of two evils."

"So what you're telling me is that a whole branch of PSICOM is corrupt," I summarized. "And they all want me dead for keeping Fang here instead of handing her over to Luxerion. They know I'm the only thing standing in their way. If they went against my will, I'd obviously be a threat to them."

Jihl handed me her puppy to hold. "The corruption is relative," she said. I smiled when the puppy sniffed my jacket, then curled up to go back to sleep. "So far, they are unaware of my true stance on the matter. In their eyes, they only want the war to end by any means necessary. You swore an oath to protect Cocoon as well as your partner, per your duties as our Savior. They are content to brute-force their way through the latter in favor of peace."

"Yeah, but what about the message that sends?" I asked. "If we give into Luxerion, the rest of the world will know that they can bully us. If we get invaded, they'll know that all they have to do is bargain with us and they can have whatever they want."

"My thoughts exactly," agreed Jihl. "The uncharted nation to the north is not as deserted as we believed. Their movements around Cocoon and Nova Chrysalia suggest some manner of mistrust and hostility. Chrysalis is not the ideal world people expected."

"What do you plan on doing about Rosch and his supporters? You can't act directly. They'll know you're against them, and then you'll be in danger."

"That is true. Indirect action is all we can rely on. Despite the staggering amount of evidence I have of Rosch's failed assassination plans, a trial would not go in our favor. The majority of the Gestalt's supreme jurors are also in line with the lieutenant-colonel. Impartiality is all but dead. With that said, I do have orders for you. And if those fail, we can easily orchestrate a contingency plan."

"I'll do whatever it takes to keep Fang safe," I promised. "What do you have in mind?"

"PSICOM's charity ball is the key," said Jihl. "The money will be going directly to our financial division. I plan to overrule the reconstruction plans for our headquarters. The funds will instead go to part of our contingency plan. It is far easier to collect more ammunition against Rosch aboard the Guardian Corps' _Lindblum. _He isn't at all familiar with the blind spots in the security aboard the airship." She pulled out a set of photographs from her purse. They showed the interior of Snow's palace in Yusnaan. "Rosch plans to take matters in his own hands with a sniper rifle. He will find a remote balcony with a clear vantage point of the ballroom floor. After the first half of the ball, he will take aim and fire."

"Do you _want _him to shoot me…?"

"No, Savior. I plan on catching him in the act just before he shoots. He tends to become enraged when confronted. I will record his confession and take him to trial. My lawyers will need to work around the clock to make sure that the confession will be admissible in the courtroom. I have also hired a trusted individual to take care of our supreme juror problem."

I had to look away to avoid appearing too invested in where this had gone. "You mean Vespair, don't you?" I asked.

"Indeed. She will deliver these photographs to you, along with other key information at a later date."

"Vespair's the one who turned Fang in," I argued. "And she convinced Noel that Fang's the reason why Yeul is sick! How can you trust her like this? She's all over the place."

"I am the one who ordered Vespair to call Rosch and give him the evidence," she revealed.

I tensed up, holding my rage in. I spoke through my clenched jaw, "Why would you do that?"

"Let's just say that the lieutenant-colonel has a history of corruption," said Jihl. "Both he and Primarch Dysley were accountable for ordering the Purge on Bodhum. I've known Rosch since we were in military school together. I knew what Vespair's call would do to him. The difference this time is that you and I are in complete control of the situation."

Where had I heard that before? "Control…? Control as in me getting poisoned and nearly dying?"

"A little chocobo may have suggested poison to Rosch in light of Vespair biting you in Elysium. You already had a natural antidote in your system."

"You're _using me_ to clean up the government? Is that what you're doing?"

Jihl gave me a pointed look from behind her sunglasses. "You're working _with_ me to protect Cocoon and your partner," she answered. "By any means necessary." All of this was so underhanded. Then again, I understood why it was necessary… I just wished Jihl had been clearer about the _risks_ when I'd sworn that oath. "Now, will you consent to your orders for the ball? All I need you to do is stay quiet on the matter. The Patron is the only other individual with whom you can discuss this with."

"I feel like I don't have a choice anyway," I said. "I'll do it. What is this backup plan?"

"It will involve you taking a small team into Luxerion," she replied. "The trains running between Luxerion and Yusnaan have very specific security systems. You must be in possession of a Nova Chrysalian I.D. card in order to travel safely aboard the train. Fake I.D. and non-I.D. holders set off the system's alarm. The Secutors aboard the train will then exterminate the offenders. The Patron will issue you and your team suitable I.D.s to take the train from Yusnaan to Luxerion after the ball."

"What do you want us to do there? Are we assassinating Noel to end the war?"

"That is a last resort," said Jihl. "I will have more specific orders for you depending on the outcome of the ball. For now, you should know that your time there will largely be a diversionary tactic. Rosch's supporters behaved carelessly the last time you left the city. I expect they will do the same again. I will use that time to collect more evidence for the trial."

We sat in silence for a while. I stared down at the puppy in my arms. Before all of this started, I thought I might have finally gotten a break from fighting and sneaking around. So much chaos…never-ending.

"You should go," suggested Jihl. "I'll leave once you walk away." I gave her puppy back. Right as I stood up, Jihl had one last thing to say: "And…I apologize for not being clear about the stakes, and for putting your life in danger. My actions caused your friends and loved ones undue grief. I'm not proud of it. I understand if you find it difficult to trust me completely."

"It's not that," I said. "I feel like I have no freedom. You tell me to put myself in the line of fire for the one I love, and you know I'm going to do it. I'm realizing how intelligent and calculating you are, too. How can I know you won't ever turn on me?"

Jihl sat stone still for a moment before answering, "I am indebted to you, Savior. Before you saved our souls, I was damned to a life of chaos in the Coliseum for an arbiter of time. All he had to do was summon me, and I appeared there against my will, ordered to fight opponents for no reasons of my own. Without you, I would still be there, fighting pointless battles. This is a strange way to prove my loyalty to you. I promise that I will be more transparent from here on out if it will help you."

"That's really all I can ask for," I replied. "As long as you never order me to put Fang in direct danger for a mission, I'll follow you."

"Vespair would never allow it. You don't have to worry about that. Now go before someone notices us."

.

About a week and a half later, it was only a few days before my birthday. I sat up in bed while Fang took a nap next to me. I had my tablet in my lap, reading the news about more oblivious military cadets and officers executed for supposed terrorism. I kept reading these stories to justify to myself that this mission in Yusnaan would be worth it.

This was the last night I'd be in Bodhum for a while. The next day, Fang and I were going to fly out with the others to Yusnaan for three weeks. Serah would only stay the weekend for my birthday before flying back for college classes. She promised she'd be back in Yusnaan for the charity ball at Snow's palace. After that, I had no idea how long we'd be in Luxerion for. Fang, Serah and Vanille made up my small team for the mission. Serah couldn't sleep most nights from wondering why Noel had changed so much. They did used to be best friends along with Mog. She needed to see him for herself to come to terms with everything. Vanille and Fang knew the layout of the city well after living there together for over ten years. We all had to wear disguises to go along with our I.D. cards. Snow had said he had it all taken care of. He'd tell us more after my birthday. I didn't like the risk of taking Fang with us, considering Noel wanted her kidnapped or dead. If we stayed in Luxerion for weeks or even months, I would have stressed out too badly from not knowing if she was safe here at home.

Since I didn't know when we'd be back, I'd told Fang that she should spend some time with her bandits. They weren't coming with us to Yusnaan. It made sense for them to go out for the night. I should have been asleep with her. We had to wake up at stupid o'clock the next morning to catch our flight at the airport. Sazh had vowed to make sure security in the airport and on our private plane was top-notch—no bombs, and no terrorists who wanted me dead. I still couldn't make my mind stay at ease to rest. I hadn't told Fang about my mission for the ball. My guilt ate away at me. If Jihl failed, and something happened to me, I knew Fang would have gone on a rampage. At the same time, if she knew ahead of time, she would have gone on a rampage anyway and killed Rosch before he could set foot in Yusnaan.

There was a chance I could have reasoned with Fang instead. I didn't want to risk it. She was so much happier with me these days. I didn't want to worry her…

I leaned down to kiss Fang's neck. "It's seven already," I whispered. "Time to wake up."

Fang rolled over. "No it's not," she mumbled. "Time to keep sleepin'."

I set my tablet aside, holding Fang from behind instead. "I thought you were excited to hang out with your gang," I said in her ear. "They'll be disappointed if you don't go with them. I don't know when we'll make it back to Bodhum."

"Yeah but if I stay here, we can have sex," she answered. "We can't do that if I go out." That was true. Her phone rang over the nightstand. Fang groaned and picked it up. "Don't get started… No, I'm perfectly awake! I'm gettin' dressed right now… Yeah, yeah—just get here on time, dickhead." She hung up, finally getting out of bed. "Damnit. Why did I let you talk me into this? Better yet, why aren't you comin' with me? You came out with us last time. We all had a blast, didn't we?"

"You spent the whole time trying to get me to dance," I reminded her. "Clubbing isn't my thing. I have some paperwork to look over tonight anyway."

Fang went over to the dresser, searching through her drawers. "You're turnin' twenty-three the day after tomorrow, and you wanna spend the night lookin' over papers?!" she said. "I swear you're such a stick in the mud sometimes."

"Pretty sure I'm a few centuries older than that…"

"Yeah and I'm five centuries older than you, but I don't count that kinda time. It would get too weird if I did. The age difference between us is real."

"Is Vanille going with you?" I asked.

Fang fumbled her clothes. "Uh, n-no," she stammered. "I'm gonna meet up with her later…" I raised my eyebrow. She saw me through the mirror. "Okay, look, maybe I don't really want you to go with me. I just said that so you'd think I did. I've got some business to handle with Vanille after I leave the club."

_Some business _definitely didn't sound like any of my business. "That's fine," I replied, going back to my tablet.

"…you're not gonna ask what it is?"

I kept my eyes to the news. "You have a life outside of me," I reminded her. "I'm not saying that to be passive-aggressive. I don't want you to feel guilty for making plans with others, especially Vanille."

"Nah, I know, it's just…" Fang waved her hand, leaving to the bathroom. "Never mind. Thanks for understanding, babe! This is why I love you."

"Love you too, Fang."

I smiled to myself. I knew she was up to something. I figured it was best to not put her on the spot about it. After she showered and got dressed, a few of her bandits dropped by to pick her up. I stayed in the living room after seeing her off, still reading about all of the so-called terrorists. I was so engrossed in the news that I skipped dinner. All I had were some white fudge-covered pretzels. I noticed I had a weakness for them. I'd even hidden them in a secret place in the kitchen so Fang wouldn't find them. She loved salty food. Mixing salty pretzels with white chocolate would have been overkill for her. I went through a few opinion pieces of journalists who suspected the Gestalt was up to no good. Too many up-and-coming military cadets had been permanently silenced in recent weeks. I had a feeling Jihl let it go on to collect more ammunition against Rosch and his supporters, and to not blow her cover. I couldn't imagine going back to the military with all of this going on.

At around eleven, I set my tablet aside, tired of reading. Vespair told me she would stop by tonight to give me that paperwork Jihl had mentioned before. If she wasn't here by now, she must have flaked on me. Then I noticed Fang's keys still hanging by the door. She'd forgotten them. I picked them up, thinking to call or text her and see if she knew.

Behind her PSICOM I.D. card, there was a key I didn't recognize. There was a small label on it: _S/V. _I knew right away that it was the key to Serah's apartment. Most of her things were over there since she wasn't allowed to go back to the _Ragnarok _yet. Fang still technically lived with Vanille and Serah. Any time I brought up her moving here, she dodged the subject. It must have had something to do with her business with Vanille after the club. I could have easily gone to find out what it was myself. It was either that or I stayed here watching BDSM porn. I chewed on my bottom lip, thinking it over. I had no idea what to expect in my sister's apartment. If I knocked, they would have stopped whatever they were doing, and I wouldn't have any answers. If I used the key, I'd find out for myself. I'd just told Fang hours ago that it was none of my business. And yet now I couldn't fight this strange pull to find out what it was.

I put on my white hooded jacket and drove to my sister's place. I'd gotten attached to this thing. If I wore black, I would have felt too much like a creep. It didn't help that I couldn't stop thinking about what I'd seen during that frat party. Serah enjoyed all the things that I couldn't bear when it came to sex. I didn't understand how she did it. And with Vanille…? How did that work? How did it start? Why? Was my sister gay or was she only experimenting? Why did Vanille go along with it? Did Snow _know_ that it had been Vanille cockblocking him all this time?

My curiosity had gotten the best of me. I couldn't be ashamed of it. Not now. Not while I parked down the street from Serah's apartment to avoid her noticing my car. The houses and apartments on her block were much calmer on the weeknight. I pulled my hood over my head and made my way to the apartment building. Serah's car was parked out front. I trusted that she was actually at home this time.

As I made my way up to her landing, I felt nerves deep in my chest. It was worse once I rounded the corner to her door. The hallway was quiet. I kept my footsteps just as silent, focused on getting answers. I knew that this was wrong. I knew that my sister would flip out if she found me. I could have just picked up the phone and asked Serah these things. That wouldn't have done anything. She and I never talked about this subject. She would have left things out to be diplomatic.

I set all of that in the back of my mind once I got to her door. I pressed my ear to the surface, listening. It didn't sound like anyone was in the living room. I unlocked the door and went inside. If Serah caught me, I'd just say I was worried about her, and that her door had already been unlocked. No one was downstairs. I heard voices coming from upstairs. Serah giggled and said something to someone. Then I heard Vanille reply in a much lower pitch.

Quietly, I made my way up the dark staircase, getting close enough to the bedroom to peek inside. Serah was on the bed, wearing nothing, holding Vanille on top of her. From the straps around Vanille's waist, I knew what she had on between her legs. I stopped breathing. My eyes streamed with water.

"Vanille, come on!" said Serah, laughing. "You're such a tease. We've done this before, haven't we?"

Vanille hung her head. "Yes, but something in the house doesn't feel right…"

Serah wrapped her arms around Vanille's neck. "I think you're just saying that," she murmured. "Kiss me first. Everywhere. I like when you act like you love me. You're the only one who's ever done it right."

Vanille did as she was told. I saw smoke hovering over their bodies. It smelled just like Fang's black velvet. Were they smoking it before I got here? I had no idea. Serah sounded and reacted every way that Fang wanted me to, naturally, in that same position. I didn't know how she did it so easily. I didn't know how she let Vanille fuck her that hard without breaking a sweat. My sister had never had the same issues as I did. She'd had no reason to. I could barely think about that—not while I watched this. I couldn't tear my eyes away. I should have. I should have left. I shouldn't have been there. Watching her didn't give me any answers. It only brought up more questions.

Why did I have to make it so difficult for myself to do the same? Things would have been so much easier in my relationship if I could have been like my sister. The thought of letting Fang get on top of me again…it felt like raking my fingernails over a chalkboard. Past all of that discomfort, I knew I enjoyed it. And once it was over, I felt like my world had ended a little bit at a time.

Once Serah and Vanille finished, it looked like they wanted to keep going. I finally breathed and thought about leaving.

Then I heard Fang's voice, "You know, Serah, you look a lot like your sister does when I fuck her." More smoke billowed through the room. I froze, mortified. "This was a damn good idea." I looked through the small crack between the door. Fang was there, sitting on the bed, outside of my view. "It's so crazy the way she turns into a different person. She'll get scared and run off every time. I get a real kick out of it."

"It really doesn't bother you?" asked Serah, stroking Vanille's back. "I know you said you're happy with the way things turned out. I can't imagine her being this way. She was such a tomboy when she was younger. I'm still amazed that she trusts you this much."

"It's all good," replied Fang. "Lightning's got a bunch of different sides to her. I know she's got issues. I'm not gonna let those stand in my way. When I want her, I take her. Simple as that."

I felt heat rising to my face. Not out of embarrassment—out of anger. Fang talked about me with this superior tone, like she had a chip on her shoulder. It was the same way I _didn't _want someone talking about me. Back when I figured out I was gay, I listened to the way guys would talk about the girls they'd had. It was exactly like this. I'd made the decision that I never would have been able to stand anyone doing the same to me.

Serah giggled. "No wonder she loves you," she said. "You have enough confidence to do that. She'd never admit it, but I think she needs that. If you were too delicate, I doubt you'd challenge her at all."

"Well, the only thing is we haven't used a strap yet. I can't wait to pin her down with it. Light's too uptight sometimes, you know? I bet it wouldn't be so bad if she had some dick in her life. Especially from me."

I couldn't take it anymore. I hurried back down the stairs, all too impatient to get away from this. I was so pissed off that I didn't pay enough attention to my footing. I almost fell. The noise gave me away. I heard Fang wonder out loud about an intruder. I ran out of the apartment and over to the stairwell. Fang was after me. I didn't think she knew it was me. She didn't yell my name.

When I made it out to the lobby, I realized how much trouble I was in. The streets were empty. If I ran outside, Fang would have spotted me easily. Even though I was mad at her, I didn't want her to catch me. That would have started an awkward conversation that I didn't want to handle. I saw a janitor taking his supplies into the nearest custodial closet. I rammed into him and forced the guy inside with me. This closet reeked of bleach and thick plastic trash bags. I shut the door just in time. I heard Fang yelling at _the pervert _to stop and show themselves.

The janitor struggled against me, protesting, "H-Hey, lady—!"

"Be quiet!" I hissed.

I waited for Fang to rush through the lobby. I watched her through the curtain over the door's window. She opened the front doors and stopped there. No one was outside. Fang growled and slammed the doors shut. Then she trudged back upstairs, muttering under her breath about perverts and thieves. Once she was a safe distance away, I left the closet and told the janitor not to go running his mouth. He promised me that he wouldn't, looking confused all the same. A promise from a stranger was really all I could hope for at a time like this. I made my way back to my car, looking over my shoulder the whole way. During the drive back home, I didn't know if I could stay angry or not. If Fang noticed, she would have asked me what was wrong. I wouldn't have had a reason to give her. Talking about what happened was out of the question. I was never doing that or anything like it again.

.

When I got home, it was too dark. I'd forgotten to leave a few lights on before I left earlier. When I was about to turn on the living room lamp, I heard voices coming from the kitchen. My nerves crept up again. I thought this was some kind of messed up karma for what I'd just done. There was no way Fang could have gotten here before me. She didn't even have her keys. I got a text from her just now saying she planned on spending the night at Serah's place. It wasn't her. Who the hell was in here…?

I turned on my kitchen light. I found Lumina lounging over my countertop, flipping through my porn magazines and giggling at the images there. Vespair stood nearby, looking through the magazines with her. That wasn't the worst part. They both ate my white fudge-covered pretzels right out of the bag, like this was their house!

"Hey!" I yelled. "What the hell are you two doing?! Those are _my _magazines!"

Lumina laughed. "Yeah, I know!" she said. "You hid them really well, too! It took me forever to find them." She held up one of the magazines. "This girl's breasts are huge! Her nipple clamps are like giant cranes! Are you into that?!"

I snatched the magazine away. "No, I'm not! This doesn't belong to you!" Vespair stared at me, still eating my pretzels. "I _know _you know how much I like those. Did you purposely take them out of my hiding spot so you two could eat them? Don't you know that that's the only snack I can have to myself once Fang's gone?" Vespair kept munching away, staring at me like I hadn't said anything all that important. I tried to grab the bag; she wouldn't let me. "What is wrong with you? Stop eating them!"

Vespair ate another pretzel. I groaned at her, ready to strangle her neck. She offered me the bag, as if I'd feel better with one or two pretzels. I finally took the whole thing from her and put it away. I made Lumina put all of my magazines back exactly where she'd found them.

"What's the big idea?" I asked. "Why were you in here in the dark? Why are you here _at all_?"

"Us _demons _can see in the dark," said Vespair. "Didn't I tell you I'd drop by? You weren't here, so I waited."

"Yes, but you didn't say what _time_," I pointed out.

Vespair shrugged. "I got caught up with some other things," she replied. "I left the folder in your room. It's a bunch of photographs of Snow's palace. All the juicy security bits you need to know are there too. You should be honored to know that _I'll _be your bodyguard that night."

I rolled my eyes. "Will you take a bullet for me if Rosch shoots?"

"You know I will!" rallied Vespair. "So yeah—turns out I've been workin' with Jihl this whole time. I explained the situation to her and she understands. The l'Cie Luxerion sent to bomb PSICOM's headquarters was all part of the plan. When she called you after the fact, she had to play dumb. All her phone conversations are recorded. There's no way around it. Rosch don't know the layout of the _Lindblum _all that well. Easy pickin' for eavesdroppin' on his little circlejerks with his friends. Beyond that, I swear I've got no influence over what Luxerion does. Noel's off his damn rocker."

"Wait, what situation? What did you tell Jihl to make her agree to all of this?"

"It's not really what I _said_…it's just that she's got her goals—takin' Rosch down—and I've got mine. We plan a few things together and we're both happy."

"Vespair," I said, firm. "You're not answering my question. Stop talking in circles."

Vespair looked at me over. "I'll tell you some of it," she allowed. "It's real simple. Chaos is what Fang thrives on. Keep enough of that in the world, and she stays on the high she's been on." I stared at her in disbelief. "Yeah, that's right. You know it's true. Her spirit's chock-full of chaos, remember? When she's happy with you, _and _there's a bunch of shit goin' on in the world, it gets her goin'. She's unstoppable. Fang can't have one or the other, though. It's gotta be both."

"Then what the hell am I fighting for?! I'm trying to keep her safe! If all of this mess in the world is what she _needs _to be happy, then…I feel like there's no point."

"Lightning, don't say that," said Vespair. "There is a point. Keepin' her safe is the goal. But you've gotta understand that you need to _keep doin' it. _Whenever she needs a hit, I start some shit from the shadows, and she's peachy again. I get to have my fun, and she keeps her spirits up! It's great, ain't it?"

"…no, it isn't. It really isn't. It sounds never-ending."

"Well, yeah! That's the idea. We've all gotta keep the cycle goin'. 'Cause unless she does this shit herself, there's no other way to make this happen."

And then I remembered what Vespair really was. "All of these things you're doing…inciting anarchy and war… Fang wants to do all of it herself, deep down. The only thing that's stopping her are her morals. If I told her about Rosch, she'd want to kill everyone in the government for my sake. Her conscience wouldn't be able to hold her back…"

"Yep. You hit the nail on the head. Now you see why I'm all over the place."

Endless conflict in the world kept Fang happy. The thicker this web of scandal and betrayal grew, the happier Fang was. All this time, I'd been trying to put an end to it all. I used to imagine a day when I didn't have to worry about someone killing me, or taking her away from me. If I wanted to keep my love in good spirits, I also had to accept that I was both Jihl's and Vespair's puppet. Whatever they told me to do, I had to do it for Fang's sake—constantly, over and over again, without any hope of it ending someday. What if this kept going on for so long that I couldn't take it anymore? What if I failed out of weakness, out of hopelessness? I'd already tried and failed to protect Etro during a battle that had lasted centuries. I felt like I'd only do the same for Fang, because I was human and I had my limits…

I didn't care if Vespair stayed in my house. I went to bed, too exhausted to think anymore. Maybe when I woke up, I'd find out that these revelations had all been a terrible nightmare.


	16. Watch the Throne

"_Kiss and Swallow" by IAMX_

_**XVI. **__Watch the Throne – The Glittering City of Yusnaan_

At around three in the morning, I took a taxi to the airport. Lumina rode with me, holding my arm in both of hers the whole way. The driver assumed she was my little sister and thought nothing of it. Once I paid for the fare, Lumina disappeared, saying something about keeping an eye on Rosch and Noel for me. I could barely keep my eyes open, let alone process everything she'd said. I was too tired to think about last night. What I'd seen in my sister's apartment, what Fang had said, what Vespair had told me—I couldn't care about any of that. I only wanted to focus on what was in front of me. As soon as I entered the terminal, I remembered why I hated traveling. There were so many people looking annoyed, hauling around way too many carts of luggage. Nearly everyone I passed complained loudly about all of the lines, or some random PSICOM officer who was rude to them, or some other thing. At least no one recognized me with my hood on.

When I finally had to take my jacket off at security, the PSICOM officers there smirked at me. Some of them ribbed each other, pointing at me and gossiping. They seriously thought I was some teenage nerd dressed as the Savior. There _were _a few copycats around Bodhum who'd dyed their hair the same as mine. Being mistaken for a cosplayer again was more bearable than being recognized.

"Looks like we've got another one," the first teased. "I wonder if she's got the Savior's old gunblade folded in her backpack!"

Another one gestured for me to walk through the detector. "I had to throw out at least three this week," she said, smiling at my ticket in my hand. "Off to Yusnaan, huh? Got a top-secret mission from God to save us all again?" I ignored her and went to get my stuff from the conveyor belt. "You look _just _like her, actually… Same pissed off face; same quiet demeanor. Do you two have the same hairdresser?"

The officer who signed off on my passport turned around. "Hey, does anyone know the Savior's real name?" he asked loudly. I scoffed and walked off. "That one there—she was _really _convincing…"

The long hallway leading to the gates wasn't as crowded as the entrance. I felt myself nodding off as I walked through the air-conditioned hall. I'd had vague dreams about seeing Fang again—confronting her about what she'd said last night at my sister's place. I had no idea how I'd react once I saw her on the plane. I figured Fang would be in a festive mood along with everyone else. I wasn't in the mood to confront her about anything, but I knew I had to do it soon. I'd learned my lesson from not saying anything to her about that dream I'd had back in Nautilus months ago. So I started thinking things over—what I'd say, _how _I'd say it, how to analyze her reactions to my words to see if she was guilty…

…until I saw her leaning against the wall of the gate leading to our plane. Fang had on a pair of very short, black jean shorts and her same sandals. I spent so long staring at her toned legs that I barely noticed the long sleeveless shirt she had half-tucked into her shorts. The demonic-looking graphics over the red shirt eventually caught my attention. She pushed herself off the wall as I neared her, smirking at my surprise. Once I was close enough to smell her new perfume, I'd forgotten about everything else.

"Hey, sweet pea," said Fang. "You look sleepy. And grumpy! I ever tell you how cute you are like this?" She kissed me, filling me with questions; words soaring with my heart. The chill in the building blended with the softness of her lips and the cherry blossom smell of her perfume, creating a memory. "Somethin' on your mind? You were right pissed before you saw me. Don't tell me security poked fun at you, thinkin' you were some cosplayin' nerd again."

I glanced down at her legs, thinking about them wrapped around my waist in bed. Words failed me. I hoped that my hair and hood would hide how red my neck was. I reached in my pocket and pulled out her keys. Fang hummed in amusement as she took them, letting her lithe fingers linger over mine. She twirled her keychain, studying me. None of this seemed like a surprise to her. Fang must have left her keys at my place for me to find them. That meant she'd successfully lured me to Serah's apartment. But why? And why had she said those things if she'd known I could hear her?

Fang caressed my face. "You've got those lights dancin' in your eyes again," she noticed. "Every time I see 'em, I know your mind's workin' to figure somethin' out. So why don't you just ask me?"

"You wanted me to find these," I told her. "Didn't you?"

"I did," she confessed.

"_Why?_"

Fang held my hand, leading me outside to the plane. "I wanted you to see that your sister's perfectly all right," she answered. "I know there's a part of you that can't figure her out. Serah can let go in all the ways you won't allow yourself… I thought you could learn a thing or two from her."

"How did you know exactly how to lure me there? And why did you say what you did in her room?"

"The first bit's a work-in-progress, really," said Fang. "It was a shot in the dark and it worked! As for what I said—I didn't know for sure it was you. The only way I could know was if you showed yourself. It ain't too hard to egg you on… I'm sorry about that. Thinkin' back on it now, I sounded like an asshole." As we neared the steps leading up to the plane, Fang stopped and turned around, eyes wide in shock. "Wait a minute! So it _was _you! Damn, I thought it was some sick pervert spyin' on us. How'd you disappear like that? One minute I heard you stompin' down the stairs, and the next you were gone!"

I put my hand along the small of her back, guiding her up the stairs. "I hid in the janitor's closet," I explained. "You ran right past me. I waited until you were gone before I came out of the closet." Fang threw her head back and laughed as we boarded the private plane.

Sazh was the first to greet us. He smiled in his pilot's uniform, giving us a salute. "Hey, you found the birthday girl!" he said over the sheer noise. Snow and Gadot's laughter filled the whole plane. "Welcome aboard, Lightning! We've got about a five hour flight ahead of us to Yusnaan. I sure hope you got plenty of sleep! Seems there ain't no chance of rest on this flight."

"Thanks, Sazh," I replied. "I barely got maybe two or three hours of sleep… Guess I'll have to suck it up."

Fang pulled the hood from over my head. "Yeah after _I told you _to take a nap with me yesterday," she scolded, rolling her eyes. While she fixed my hair, I couldn't help giving her a sheepish smile. She kissed my forehead. "…should've known you'd be awake all night. What was it for? Paperwork, you said?"

"I went to the movies, actually…saw an NC-17 one about—"

"—oh, you!" yelled Fang, clamping her hand over my mouth. Sazh stared at us blankly. "She's got jokes, this one! Light's learned from the best!" Fang laughed awkwardly, guiding us down the aisle, away from Sazh's confusion. She smiled for me as everyone wished me a happy early birthday. Snow, Hope, Serah, Vanille, the NORA gang and a few of Serah's college friends were all here, laughing and drinking champagne. "You keep your mouth shut, you hear? Serah and Vanille don't know it was you. The last thing I need is your sister gettin' on my case about that shit. I _just _got her to start likin' me, remember?"

Vanille and Serah jumped out of their seats, giving me a hug at the same time. "Happy-almost-birthday!" they sang in unison. I raised my eyebrow at Fang—she glanced away, looking nervous all of a sudden. Serah tilted her head to one side, asking, "Hey, Fang, what's going on? Why aren't you letting her talk?"

"Hmm," hummed Vanille. "Did Lightning do something naughty? Is this her punishment?"

"Yeah, she did," said Fang. "Light's been a very bad girl. She ain't allowed to talk for a while."

Serah giggled. "What did she do?" she asked. "Don't tell me she checked out some other woman in the airport or something like that. I can't picture it."

"More like she wants to get me in trouble…" Fang sighed when they both asked more questions. "No, it ain't open for discussion! Now you two go back to your make out session or whatever the hell you were doin'. We're gonna find a place to sit."

Snow gave me a one-arm hug. "Hey!" he said. "What's this I heard about a make out session? You and Fang plan on giving us a show for the flight? I won't say no to some good entertainment!"

"You're fucking clueless, bro," replied Fang, full of pity. Serah and Vanille burst out laughing at him—he had no idea about them. Snow stared after us as Fang led me away. "Poor guy. If he only knew. Speakin' of that, _if _he ever finds out, I want a front row seat to the show. I could see him bein' a total guy about it and askin' if he could watch or join in."

Everyone we passed by was tipsy already. Most of them couldn't sit still, horse playing or dancing to no music in their spacious seats. When Vanille found us again, she offered us both glasses of champagne. I shook my head to decline. Fang put two and two together, telling Vanille that I didn't drink anymore after that Shawn guy had poisoned my sake—as if I'd ever done it before that night in the restaurant. Just _smelling _it made me relive that vertigo again. Vanille nodded in understanding, handing Fang one glass and skipping off with the other. Then I noticed Hope sitting by himself near the middle of the plane. He had his head down, sighing over his champagne. Hope drank a little at a time. The deep bags under his eyes and his tousled hair made him look completely out of it. I had no idea if he was just tired from not having enough to sleep or if something was actually wrong with him.

I tried to stop and ask him what was wrong. Fang still had her hand covering my mouth. She noticed what I wanted to do, pulling me along anyway. When we sat down, she finally let go of me. She had the window seat; I sat next to her, pulling off my backpack. I kept it in my lap, staring at Fang's downcast expression.

"Do you know what's wrong with Hope?" I asked her.

Fang sipped her champagne. "He's a little down," she explained, stating the obvious first. "I dunno why exactly. It's been goin' on for a while. Whenever I've gone in to see him for my appointments, he looks worse than the last time. I tried askin' him about it loads of times. All he ever says is he's overworked. I think it's bullshit. But, hey, it's his business. If he don't wanna talk about it, there ain't nothing I can do."

"I should at least try to see if he'll talk to me," I insisted. "I've never seen him like this. I'm worried…"

"If I were you, I'd wait a while," suggested Fang. "This is the first time you've seen the signs. Once you can say you've noticed it goin' on for a bit, he won't be able to deny too much. You might get more outta him that I did."

That sounded logical enough. "I'll take your word for it," I said, opening my backpack.

"Oh, no!" she complained. "Don't get out that damned tablet of yours! If you read the news on that thing one more time, I swear I'll throw it out this window. All those doom and gloom stories about the government and the war… We're goin' to Yusnaan to _get away_ from that shit!"

I pulled out my journal instead, asking, "Is this better?"

Fang smiled at me. "Is that what I think it is?" she wondered. "You keep a diary? Serah's got one just like it, except it's purple instead of blue. Somethin' tells me that's no coincidence."

"Yes, if that's what you want to call it… I've had it since my parents died. I write in it every so often about most things. It's personal. I've never let anyone read it. Not even Serah."

I thought she'd make a joke, asking if I'd written about her. Instead, Fang held her hand out, wordlessly asking me to give my journal to her. I stared at her in disbelief. While the plane took off, she kept her hand out in between sipping her champagne, all the while giving me this _look_. It wasn't entitlement…not even curiosity… More like she knew I didn't want to let her read it, and that was exactly why she wanted to. Once the plane was level in the air, Fang turned to lean her back against the window. She edged her closest leg behind me. Her other foot stayed along the floor. She kept her hand out, eyebrow raised. I breathed in the smell of her perfume. My heart pounded harder the deeper she stared into me. The silent demand she made of me didn't feel intrusive at all. I _wanted _to obey her even though I _didn't_ want to…I couldn't understand it at all.

All I knew was that it turned me on. Fang knew it, too. She held my arousal in her gorgeous eyes, twisting it enough to keep me off-balance. She watched the fears and thoughts spread over my face, beading as sweat.

If I gave this to her, she'd know about all of my insecurities and the rest of my demons. How I'd struggled with my parents' deaths; how I'd killed who I was to become Lightning; who I was beneath my coldness; exactly how I felt about her, good and bad. I hadn't given any of these things much thought before this moment. My journal hadn't been such a big deal to me before—more of an afterthought. Now it suddenly became so important because Fang wanted it.

I handed her my journal. It was worth it to see her satisfied smile. I felt relieved for a second. Then dread followed. Everything I'd written flashed through my mind. I saw it all through her eyes, making me feel light-headed.

Fang pulled me closer, having me rest my head along her lap. "Thank you for this, babe," she said. "This tells me that you really trust me. I adore that about you. If I had one of these things, I'd let you read mine." She didn't open my journal at first. Another sip of her champagne; she stared down at me, noticing how I held back my nerves. "You know, I like that I didn't have to say a word. You just gave it to me. Next time I _ask _for somethin', I don't wanna wait. I'm impatient. That clear?"

"Yes," I breathed.

"Mmm, yes _what_? Get creative with it—I wanna see what you'll say."

Our first date in Nautilus immediately came to mind. That director had called Fang my Pulsian Queen—along with every news outlet and random person on the street that talked about us. After reading about it so much, the idea was stuck with me now. "Yes, my queen," I amended.

Her satisfaction mixed in with her whole body shivering. Vanille skipped by soon after, pretending to be the flight attendant. She took Fang's empty glass, being careful not to hang around for too long. Fang kept my journal in one hand, using her other to massage my scalp. I couldn't fall asleep right away—not with her reading about my private thoughts and feelings like this. I knew eventually she'd get to the entry about our first meeting in Palumpolum. And then after that, Fang might've gotten offended from me saying that I hadn't been able to take her seriously most of the time. There were other things I'd said…mostly how I wished I could fuck her to avoid Fang beating around the bush about certain things. Knowing her, she might've been amused instead. As the hours passed, I listened to her light chuckles and the times when her breathing flattened, using those as guides as to where she was. Not once did she stop and question me about anything I'd written. I was grateful for that. But at the same time, I could feel her mind soaking up this knowledge about me that I'd refused to let anyone else have. More recently, I'd written about my limits—things I never wanted to try versus things I'd maybe try down the line. And then the rest of what I liked that I couldn't admit out loud…

In a strange way, I was thankful that I didn't have to _say _any of it. She knew now. I fell asleep with that odd comfort, soothed further by the warmth of her body; the softness of her touch. I let myself fall into my fears with her, no matter the risks.

.

We arrived to Yusnaan in the afternoon, a few hours ahead of Bodhum's time. The jet lag and time difference threw me off. Vanille and Serah were the most excited out of all of us, pointing out all of the sights. The inside of the airport reminded me of the inside of a high-class casino—marble floors and decorated architecture everywhere. When we got outside to Snow's limousines, the dry humidity hit me just as hard as the jet lag had. Compared to Bodhum, everyone seemed to be in such a rush. I winced at the constant sounds of car horns echoing throughout the area, with people yelling at each other to get out the way or hurry up. Beyond the palm trees in my view, dozens of skyscrapers glittered in the sunlight between barely-tame billboards for _adult _movies, sketchy anti-depressants and energy drinks, and so-called cheap, accessible lawyers who could handle anything from bail bonds to corporate settlements. There were other signs along the tall buildings for cultural clubs or exotic fashion. The rest were so consumerist to the point of making me wonder if it was all a joke.

A lot had changed since I'd last been in this city.

We all split up into two limos. Snow, Serah, Vanille and Fang rode with me in one, on the way to the mall for whatever reason. The others went to Snow's palace in the Augur's Quarter to help set up for the party later that night. It wasn't really supposed to be my party. Snow had promised it would be more of a general thing to keep anyone from getting tipped off that Fang and I were in Nova Chrysalia—this close to Luxerion. So far, everyone had been too preoccupied with their road rage to notice either of us. As we left the airport, we passed through a bunch of cars drag racing through the city, with the police hot on their trail. Snow laughed and said he'd thought about having us race to the mall, but it would've been too risky. It did look like fun. Not fun enough to risk getting arrested.

During the limousine ride to the mall, Fang kept reading. I sat in the very back seat with her, with my arm around her waist. She rested her head over my chest, engrossed by every word I'd written. I avoided the temptation to see how far she'd gotten. Serah's eyes were wide when she noticed. She knew that it was my journal just by looking at it. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her whispering to Vanille about it. She tried to be discreet, but I knew better.

I really knew I was in a different place when I listened to this radio commercial playing, _"Available in all good book stores now! _Chains of Intimacy _by T.L. Boland_. _You always criticize guys for looking at porno. This is different. This is erotic literature!_" A regular reader added in her commentary… _"I worked hard to be taken seriously as a woman in a man's world! Now I've realized it was all nonsense, and all I really wanted was a rich pervert!" _Then the announcer continued: _"It's time to free yourself from convention by doing exactly what everyone else is doing: reading drivel. And if you enjoy _Chains of Intimacy, _pick up the other books in the series: _The U-Bend of Intimacy _and _The Plug of Intimacy." Another reader added her thoughts, _"I'm a housewife! God, I'd _love _for a dashing billionaire to buy me diamonds and piss on me." _Fang snorted back her laughter and shook her head, still reading my journal. I rolled my eyes as the announcer finished: _"_Chains of Intimacy _by T.L. Boland_. _Available in all good book stores now!"_

Snow noticed the way everyone was off in their own world. He cleared his throat. "So! Uh, ladies," he said, trying to break the ice. Serah inched her hand closer to Vanille's skirt. "Seems like you've all got your own things going on… I'm starting to think I should've gone back to help set up the party."

Vanille fidgeted her hands along her skirt, carefully pushing Serah's fingers away. "You really think so…?" she asked, blushing.

"Yeah…" he trailed off. Snow's eyes darted to her skirt, then up to the ceiling. "As far as I know, Lightning and Fang are the only couple out of all of us. For some reason…I get this feeling that there's maybe more…?" He pulled at his collar, using it to fan himself. "Heh, heh…do you know what I mean? Or is that just crazy talk? I mean, 'cause when _I _notice something, it's gotta be legit, you know? You…you know? Someone please tell me I'm going crazy…"

Serah's eyes glinted in mischief. "You're imagining things!" she said, flicking her wrist at him. Then she batted her eyelashes at him. "Whatever could you mean? Claire and Fang are the only girlfriends here! Look at them! Aren't they perfect for each other?"

Snow took a deep breath. "Really, Serah?" he asked. "Are you screwing with me? 'Cause I can _see_…"

"Snow, please. If I wanted to screw with you, I could have easily done it by now. I'm not lying to you."

"Is that a threat?"

Serah smirked at him. "No, it's a promise," she said sweetly.

Snow buried his face in his hands. "God, I don't know what to believe anymore," he groaned. "I _saw _you two making out on the plane! Was that a bunch of smoke and mirrors?! Or are you doing this on purpose to mess with my head? I don't understand you…"

"You don't have to understand us," answered Serah. She leaned closer to him. "I know you want to fuck both of us at the same time. That's no secret." Snow clenched his jaw, sitting stone still. He tried to ignore her to no avail. I saw the way he kept his fist clenched over the zipper of his jeans. "You might think you don't love me anymore, Snow. I know better. If I were to tell you right now that I'm not afraid of your lifestyle anymore, I know what you'd do. If I did _that, _then I'd have to tell you who opened my eyes… But that's personal." She glanced at my journal in Fang's hand. Fang was still very much absorbed in my neat, slanted handwriting over the pages, deaf and blind to all else. I stared out the window to the speeding cars along the highway, pretending I wasn't listening to any of this. "You and I aren't together anymore. I told you that we should keep things this way. It's the right thing to do."

Snow slammed his fist down on the leather seat. "Damnit, Serah!" he cursed. "Don't fucking blue-ball me right in front of Vanille, in front of—" He sucked his breath in, choosing his next words carefully. "Are you really not afraid of BDSM anymore…? Just tell me the truth."

"It doesn't scare me, no. And that's all you need to know—for now."

I pulled out my phone as subtly as I could. While Snow and Serah kept going back and forth, I sent a text to Vanille: _"Why are you sitting there in silence? Don't you have feelings for my sister? I feel like you're stuck in the middle of a love triangle with them."_

Luckily, Vanille knew what to do. She waited a moment before checking her phone. Then she replied to me: _"I've been trying to get them back together for ages now. As for how I feel about Serah…it's not important. Deep down, I know she still loves Snow. Now that she has most of her fragments of memories, she's gotten better. You see the way they're interacting with each other. I'm happy for them :) This is progress."_

After I read that, I tried to think of what Fang would say in response… _"Vanille, that's stupid and you know it. I can see the way you're looking at her. You're always so happy with her. Deep down, you don't want them to get back together. Why are you playing matchmaker for them when you want Serah?"_

"_Lightning…you know just as well as I do that Serah is straight. I'm only an experiment for her. I accepted that a while ago. You should, too."_

"_You're not going to fight for her? Don't you have any idea how much power you have in this situation?"_

"_I appreciate that you're trying to help. Really, I do. But be honest with me about this—if Fang used you to get some other person's attention, would you tell her how you feel about her? Would you tell her that you truly do love her and that it's not an act? You would be afraid that she'd only dismiss you or manipulate you further. That's why I can't say anything. I honestly want to cry right now. I can't…"_

Vanille and I spent the rest of the ride texting about the issue. At first, the experimenting between them had been innocent enough. Then it had gradually evolved into something more emotional for her. She sensed that it was the same for Serah, but Vanille refused to talk to her about it for good reason. I genuinely felt for her with this whole thing. I was just as lost as she was. We all stayed together as we walked through the mall. I couldn't exactly continue the conversation with Snow and Serah so close by. Even though Vanille hadn't said the words, she'd made it clear enough that Fang knew about this already. Fang had put my journal away for the time being, oddly quiet as she thought over what she'd read. I held her hand as we browsed through the stores, lost in thought. Vanille and Serah linked arms as they walked together, with Serah waving off Snow's questions about her sexuality. I wanted to get Vanille out of there and magically make her feelings for my sister go away. I didn't trust Serah to handle this well if she ever found out the truth about how Vanille felt about her. She seemed so manipulative…it was nothing like her. I assumed she just liked the attention and that she was actually torn between Vanille and Snow. I added it to the tall pile of things I had to talk to her about—eventually.

Not too long after, Fang took me to a men's clothing store. Tuxedos, suits, shoes, general men's clothes—all designer. She saw my wide smile as soon as we walked in to the smell of fresh fabrics and leather. Right away, a clerk came over to help us, asking if we needed any help. Fang told him she wanted me to have an all-white tux tailor-made for the charity ball in a couple of weeks. He guided us to the tuxes and had her pick one out. Once I came out of the changing room with the tuxedo on, I stood near the center of the store while the tailor took my measurements. Fang sat down on a chair nearby, staring at me intently the whole time. I watched her thoughts play across her stunning face. She'd caught on to several things from my journal, turning them over in her mind. Vague imprints of my words she branded over my body with her eyes alone.

I knew better than to ask her about what was on her mind. She still needed time to process everything. I trusted she'd strike up a conversation about it when she was ready. In between that, she gave the tailor specific instructions as to how she wanted the tux to fit on me. Once that was done, Fang had me try on an outfit for the party that night: a pair of long, slim shorts that went down past my knees, tall leather boots, a sleeveless shirt and a thin, short-sleeved jacket with silver studs over the breast pockets. The outfit was all-black in contrast to the tuxedo she wanted me to wear to the ball. After Fang paid for everything, she had me wear the clothes as we left the store. She wouldn't stop smiling at me.

"You look real handsome in this," she said, smoothing down the collar of my jacket. "You've always got on white. Seein' you in black is a nice change."

"Thank you," I replied. "I forgot to mention this earlier—you look nice, too. I was surprised to see you without your sari on." I leaned in to smell her perfume. "I really like the way you smell." I couldn't help running my hand between her thighs. A few people noticed, turning their heads around to stare. "I think you should wear these more often."

Fang laughed, swatting my hand away. "No shame whatsoever," she teased. "I buy you a new set of clothes and you're full of confidence! I love that."

I held her hand in mine, bending down to kiss hers. "And I love you," I told her. I smiled wider when Fang beamed at me. If I didn't know any better, she seemed a little shy. That was a rare sight. "Thank you again for doing all of this. But…how did you afford everything?"

"You forgot already?" she asked. "That nightclub in Bodhum that Snow owns—I've been the co-owner for a while now. Got some nice cash comin' in. Since you're so damn hard to shop for, I figured I'd give you a whole experience for your birthday—V.I.P. treatment!" We saw Snow, Serah and Vanille not too far from the parking lot where our limousine was. Serah nodded to her, gesturing for us to wait. "…I didn't have that little love triangle in mind when I planned this, that's for sure. Ugh, let's go in the limo and wait. The sun's gonna set soon. I told them I've gotta be back in the palace by six. I need plenty of time to make myself pretty for you, for the party later."

I opened the door for her, saying, "You're always gorgeous, Fang."

Fang kissed my neck. "You keep this up and maybe you'll get a special treat tonight," she whispered. I followed her inside and shut the door.

She pulled out the fake I.D. cards Snow had given us for our trip to Luxerion after the charity ball. Serah and Vanille had theirs with them. We all had our outfits and disguises tucked away in our crystals for the operation. Fang chuckled, amused by our new personas.

"Is this supposed to be me?" I asked, looking over mine. "I have blonde hair and green eyes…and I'm wearing all-black. _Videl__?_ Who came up with this name?"

"I don't know, but I love it!" said Fang. "Mine's a fucking riot. I look exactly the same except I've got on a regular top instead of my usual clothes. I'm guessin' the people in Luxerion would recognize my clothes instead of my face."

"Your sari's very distinct. Just like your new name."

Fang smirked. "_Manushya-Rakshashi 'Raj' Mangala,_" she read out loud. "Damn, that's badass. Raj is an old Pulsian word for _king_, you know. Mangala's one of the old fal'Cie—he was like a god of war and the ruler of Aries and Scorpio. Manushya-Rakshashi is what gets me the most. That basically means I'm female demon in a human's body. This alter-ego's great!" She put our cards away and lounged over me. "Snow said that the cards are only gonna work for the first train ride into Luxerion. After that, we've gotta find our own way out once it's time to split. Jihl tell you what she wants us to do there?"

"No, not yet," I answered. "It depends." She didn't know about Jihl's plans to let Rosch set up his sniper rifle and aim it at me during PSICOM's charity ball… Thankfully I hadn't written about it in my journal. "She'll tell me once it's almost time to leave. For now, we're just going there to kill time and see what Noel's up to with our own eyes."

Fang stared up at me in curiosity. "Kill time, huh?" she wondered. "That don't sound too productive."

I looked away. "We have enemies in the Viper's nest," I riddled. "They're more reckless whenever we're out of town. Jihl wants to catch them in the middle of a slip-up." I couldn't stand the way Fang kept her eyes on me. She _knew _I wasn't telling her everything. I reached over and picked up a catalyst for her crystal glittering over the window. "This is for your black velvet…"

Fang tucked the catalyst away. "I get the hint," she said. "Top-secret government stuff that I ain't allowed to know about, right?" I nodded. She sighed heavily. "If I find out it's some serious shit, I'll lose it…I'll trust you on this. And about your journal…I'm still thinkin' things over. We'll have a nice chat about it later on tonight."

.

_Reference – the radio commercial is (mostly) from Grand Theft Auto V. And Lightning is (mostly) wearing Noctis' outfit from Final Fantasy XV as a nod to the now-dead Versus XIII project. Mostly._


	17. Fuck Me Boots

"_Nature of Inviting" by IAMX_

_**XVII. **__Fuck Me Boots_

Washed-out, distant sounds of the bass thrumming from downstairs in Snow's palace barely reached the topmost floor where I was. I walked through the dark marble hallway decorated by crimson draping, on my way back to the bedroom that Fang and I shared. I still had on the all-black outfit that Fang had dressed me in at the mall earlier. She'd asked for a few hours to take a nap until the sun went down. I wasn't tired, so I'd gone to one of the shops nearby in the Augur's Quarter to get her something for the party. Growing chatter from everyone setting up the party actually made me smile—they'd all see what I'd bought for Fang soon enough. Snow had promised there wouldn't be any embarrassing renditions of "Happy Birthday" for me. Just a normal party in Yusnaan for a not-so-normal crowd. I'd never been to one of these things before, let alone been excited for one.

I had a really good feeling about tonight.

When I made it to our room, I had to suppress a groan. I inhaled the heated, thick smell of her hormones in the air. Such a specific, breezy scent—I'd recognize it anywhere. Fang was fast asleep on the queen-sized bed in the center of the spacious, black-and-red room. She lay on her side top of the crimson, velvety duvet, facing the night sky creeping through the windows. All she had on was her long sleeveless shirt. The red fabric tightly hugged her thighs. She had her hand in between her legs, like she'd fallen asleep with it there. Next to her was my journal, open to a specific page. She'd marked a few other pages with sticky notes.

I went over to the bed to get a closer look. I didn't read the page she'd left it on—not yet. Instead, I flipped to a random page she'd marked. This one was from a long time ago. Judging from the year, I must've been sixteen years old when I'd written this. It was an entry about how I used to be a prankster when my parents had still been around. I'd especially teased any girls I happened to like back then instead of telling them how I felt. Playing jokes on them to make them laugh had been my only real option. Sometimes I'd gone the extra mile with more sadistic pranks—anonymously—all while watching them squirm from the sidelines, reveling in how they hadn't been able to figure out that I'd been the one to blame. I'd written a few love letters to one of my crushes, disguising my handwriting to tell her all the ways I wanted to fuck her. I'd made sure she'd gotten the first one in front of all her friends. I'd watched from afar as she blushed terribly, trying to figure out who the "hot, confident, sexy guy" was that wanted her. Over time, the letters had gotten progressively more perverted: eating her out in front of the whole school, getting my guy friends to jack off to her and come over her face, and then letting every nerdy boy in the school form a line, taking turns to fuck her as a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for them to be inside of a hot, slutty girl.

I'd managed to keep a poker face the whole time, despite how surprised I'd been that she enjoyed every single one of my letters. She'd been so hot and bothered over them that she'd refused to date anyone else. I had no idea what happened to her after we'd graduated.

In response, Fang had written her own thoughts over a green sticky note:

_If Lumina's got your cruelty for safekeeping, it's time to get it back. I never understood why she was such a joker if she was supposed to be like your younger self. Now I get it. I haven't seen that part of you. I miss it somehow. I'd kill to be that girl. I want you to let your sickness out on me one of these days._

I stared at Fang, flipping back to the page she'd had open had no idea about the lengths I could go to. I'd kept it all in-check because I knew how bad I used to be. Things had started to crop up again after watching BDSM porn—Black Velvet especially, since she and Fang looked so much alike. Scenes played through my head as I watched her sleep. There were so many possibilities. I didn't want to risk turning her off. But she _wanted_ that risk. I wasn't sure if she wanted my cruelty or my sadism. I saw them as two different things. Cruelty being that I went all-out and didn't intend to soothe the sting afterward; sadism being that I worked from Fang's limits and found personal pressure points to push, and to make it all better later. Maybe it was a cultural difference. She'd mentioned to me once that there was no real difference between the two words in Pulsian script. Then again, she'd been in love with me for so long…I didn't know if she'd found a way to enjoy the emotional masochism before we started dating. I couldn't see Fang as any sort of masochist—emotional or physical. Yet her note suggested otherwise. That was something I'd have to find out more about. I tucked the thought away for the time being.

On this page, Fang hadn't left me any notes. This one was more recent—from just a few days ago. Vague traces of her arousal I smelled over the paper. She must have read this and gotten off to it:

_We've had this unspoken agreement for a while now about the way things are between us. I'm naturally more dominant. So is she. Both to the point where we're each other's firsts in a lot of ways. I didn't let anyone touch me before. Fang's had a lot of girlfriends. None of them fucked her. She didn't let them. We don't fight for dominance. Switching fits us. Almost too well. I don't know if I'll get over the way I feel when she's on top of me. She gets off to it. It's the same way I can't hold back whenever I smell her fear. She's a capable huntress. She's always had control in her relationships before me. Nothing seems to faze her most days. Tearing her image apart and making her scream for me is irresistible. I haven't gotten a chance to do it in the way I want. She's making me wait until my birthday before I can have her. _

_Waiting patiently. Not even waiting. I let the days pass as they will. I have to keep part of myself sealed until then. Not on purpose. Not really. If I let myself think about all the ways I want her on that night, I'll end up frustrated. Sometimes I can't help it. If I'm alone, I'll think about it. When I eat her out, I think about it even more. Hearing her and feeling her get off to me always makes me high. Her usual calmness is almost like mine. Not much can get to her. The things that do get under her skin will really, really affect her. I know her well enough to guess at some of them. It would take the fun out of it if I asked her. She wouldn't tell me much. I don't need her to._

_I want to warp her perceptions in a scene. Mentally, emotionally. Whatever fears she possesses, I'll have to pick one and hold it close. She hasn't let anyone pull her pressures apart and stitch them back together. I want to be Fang's first in that way—her one and only. Making her wet with words alone. Making her mind work her up. Making her heart spill with anxiety, uncertainty and weakness. All of it within the safe, safe sanctuary of my control. _

I set my journal aside, crawling closer to Fang's side of the bed. I leaned over her, watching her sleep for a little while longer. Temptation overwhelmed me—to see if she was all talk about these things, or if she actually wanted them with me. I tasted her soft lips, kneading; stirring her awake. Fang sighed into my mouth, arching into me. Softer and warmer she felt and sounded as she reached up to hold me around my shoulders. I smiled with all of my thoughts. Intuitively, she let out a gasp of mixed surprise and want.

I whispered through her parted lips, "It's time to wake up."

Fang pulled me closer. "Rest here a while," she said. I lay my head over her chest, listening to her quickened heartbeats. "Snow said most people won't start showin' up 'til around ten or so. What time is it now?"

"It's exactly six," I told her. She chuckled. "What is it?"

"You're always so damn punctual," she answered. "How can you do that without a watch—?" Fang stopped herself, like she'd said something she wasn't supposed to. "Oh, fuck!"

"I take it I wasn't supposed to hear that," I guessed. She grumbled. "I'll pretend I didn't hear anything… I still want you to get ready earlier. I have something for you to wear." Fang laughed. "What? You dressed me for tonight. I should get to do the same for you."

"Oh yeah?" she asked, smirking. "What is it? Somethin' only some little old lady'd wear?"

I pressed my hand to her heart. "No, not that," I said, transferring the garb to her crystal. "It'll definitely wipe that smirk off your face." Of course, Fang laughed again, overconfident. Once she sensed what I'd put in her crystal, her smirk vanished. She stared at me in shock. "Put it on. You'll look even sexier than you already are." She sat up, facing away from me; wrapping her arms around her torso, obviously uncomfortable. I moved her hair aside and kissed her neck. "It's my birthday. I want you to do this."

"Your birthday's _tomorrow_," she corrected, shivering.

"That's right. By the time midnight hits, you'll still be wearing this. I'll fuck you all night and day. It won't happen the way I have in mind unless you wear the outfit I gave you. If you don't want to do it, I guess I can't force you…"

Fang stood up suddenly, going over to the dresser. "Fine!" she relented. I stared at her legs beneath her shirt. "Get over here. I've got somethin' for your silver tongue!" I did as I was told. She held my hands in hers one at a time, putting on black leather wristbands for me. "You've gotta accessorize. Since you never let me put that Mog adornment over your clothes, I'll settle for these." She slipped a few silver bands over my fingers. My heart skipped a beat over the suggestion. Fang didn't seem to know what the big deal was. Cultural differences again… "And this last thing…I got it made for you when I went to the mall with Vanille and Serah. Your sister told me I should get you somethin' you can use. Then Vanille said it should be somethin' sentimental. Then I figured, well, why not both…? I wasn't so sure, but I got it anyway…"

"It's not like you to ramble," I said, smiling. "I'm sure I'll like whatever you picked out. What is it?"

"Nothin' all that special," she mumbled, looking uncertain. "I hope you don't think it's cliché. This had a different meanin' back in Oerba…" Fang hesitated before pulling out a silver necklace. The pendant was the same shape that glowed over my chest whenever I used my crystal. I smiled wider as she put it on over my neck. "Yeah, so, _normally _if I gave my girl a necklace, that meant I wanted to marry her. But that's kinda…too soon for us… Then that'd mean that I wanted to eventually…I ain't sayin' more about it. Again, let's just pretend like I didn't say nothin'…"

Her face was bright red for once. Mine hurt from smiling so much. She actually had no idea that some people in Cocoon did the same thing with necklaces instead of rings—like Snow and Serah way back when. I kissed her so she wouldn't have to say anything else if she didn't want to. Even though she didn't want to talk about what she'd said, it was something I'd keep in the back of my mind.

"Thank you, Fang," I told her. "I really like it. How did you remember the shape?"

Fang smiled at my pendant. "It's from one of the pictures Vanille took of us on Snow's yacht," she said, smoothing her hands over my shoulders. "When you're real happy, sometimes your crystal glows through your clothes. Like a puppy waggin' her tail." She made her way to the bathroom. "All right, babe. It's time for you to head out. If you want me to wear these clothes, I need to prepare myself…"

"Prepare for what?" I asked, following after her.

"No!" she yelled, shutting the door in my face. This felt like déjà vu. "Go downstairs and help set up the party! I'll find you when I'm ready!" I watched the doorknob turn. Her muffled annoyance sounded through the door. "Damnit, there's no lock on this thing… Lightning, stay outside! Don't come in here!"

I couldn't help grinning. This was nothing like her and _I loved it_. "Why are you so embarrassed?"

"Because you want me to wear this…this _thing_!" she shouted back. "I need to _move around _in the clothes I wear! I know you picked this out 'cause of how restrictive it is. Don't lie to me!"

I leaned against the wall next to the door. "No," I lied. "I picked it out because it's sexy."

"Yeah? Well I don't buy it! It'd look sexy on someone else instead of me!"

"I never thought I'd hear you make a self-conscious comment about yourself, that's for sure. You've lost your bite tonight, Fang. Are you sure it's just because of the outfit? Or is there something else?"

Fang didn't respond. She turned on the faucet. I pressed my ear to the door, listening to the running water. I barely heard her groaning, muttering words I couldn't make out. The groans turned into moans—then she stopped, sighing instead. I heard some kind of surface hit the porcelain of the toilet. I kept listening, wondering if Fang would say something a little louder for me to hear. I assumed that she was busy thinking about my journal entries. She'd said that she wanted to see my sickness. But with this outfit, I had to wonder if she had second thoughts. I liked to think that Fang had a rather wide comfort zone. Stepping out of it was quite a feat in and of itself.

That made me want to push her more. She loved doing it to me. I wanted to even the score for once.

I quietly opened the door. Fang's hormones overwhelmed my sense of smell again. I saw her sitting on the toilet. She had her face buried in her hands, shaking her head. I went over to her, keeping my steps light over the crimson rugs. The running water helped to mask my footsteps. When I was close enough, I saw the thin hairs over her arms standing up on-end. So, she was nervous, but she _enjoyed _it.

I leaned down, pressing my hands over her bare knees. Fang's whole body shook, startled. Her face was red again. She stared at me incredulously. I bore my eyes into hers. Just enough fear crept through her gaze, bringing back a memory from a few months ago. When she'd been stuck in Elysium, Vanille had told me a few things about her ex-girlfriends. I remembered that one of the girls had had a urination fetish, and that ended up freaking Fang out. I wasn't into that, either. Anything to do with human waste repulsed me. Since Fang and I didn't see the need to discuss our limits in detail, she didn't know how I felt about that particular fetish. We'd agreed that if something came up that was an absolute limit, then either of us would use our safe words and stop right away. For all she knew, I was really into these things, leaving her trapped between her disgust and her desire to prove that she could handle anything I threw at her. She'd boasted a few days ago about never wanting to use our safe words during a scene. My Fang had so much pride. I needed to find some way to exploit that later on tonight.

I held out one of my hands and said, "I want some of your black velvet."

Relief washed over her face. Fang reached inside of her crystal. "Here you go…"

"Thank you," I said, taking it from her. "Do you want to meet Lightning tonight?"

Fang narrowed her eyes, confused. "What are you on about?" she asked. "You're standin' right in front of me. _Here _of all places… Don't tell me you like talkin' about yourself in the third person."

"That's not what I mean," I replied. "I know you've read about the persona I created. _Lightning. _You also know that I didn't necessarily make her after my parents died. Every part of me that I can't show to other people…that's her." Fang's breathing slowed down. She knew what I meant. "All this time, you've actually been getting to know Claire. She's quiet, considerate; sometimes nice. Keeps to herself. Doesn't make a scene. Lightning doesn't hold back for anything."

"Yeah, and she's more of a mind fuck… I got a nice crash course today while I read your journal."

"Instead of talking about it, why don't I just show you instead?" I suggested. She averted her eyes and nodded—reluctantly so. "I'm glad you're up for it. I'll see you downstairs whenever you're ready." Fang's relief reddened back to embarrassment when I kissed her. "I love you."

"I love you too, Lightning…" My heart soared every time she said that to me.

I left the room, making my way back downstairs. I bumped into Vanille in the hallway. When she stopped, she quickly wiped her face and smiled. She gave me a quick hug before hurrying ahead to the room. Judging by how upset she was, she needed to talk to Fang about something. Probably my sister. Then I realized I'd been putting off my talk with Serah for too long. I wanted to stay out of it. I really did. But she needed to know that I was concerned, and I needed to know why she was acting like this.

.

About two hours went by. Fang still hadn't come downstairs. More and more people had started to show up. The ballroom floor of Snow's palace turned into a nightclub: leather booths and a few bars, different dancefloors scattered throughout the huge space, and a hookah bar somewhere near the DJ's booth. On the upper floor right above, Snow's throne was there, unattended, overlooking the whole party. The chandelier overhead shone down crystal black lights, giving the illusion that we were all outside in the dark beneath a starless sky. I had a vague view of Hope testing his equipment at the DJ's booth. He had a nice set of songs going on so far. I couldn't believe that _he _was the DJ, but everyone on the dancefloor seemed to enjoy his taste in alternative rock, dark cabaret and synthpop. I still hadn't seen my sister, let alone Fang and Vanille. I figured I'd go over and talk to him for a bit.

Hope didn't look as out of it as he had on the plane. He gave a weak smile when he saw me. "Hello, Light," he said, pulling his headphones down. "Enjoying the party so far?"

"It's picking up," I answered, nodding to the people grinding on each other nearby. "I didn't know music was your thing… Did Snow ask you to do this or did you volunteer?"

"Both, actually. He said something about giving me a job to do. It was either this or working the bar."

Small talk wasn't my strong suit. I glanced at the nearest bar, trying to think of what else I could say. "Is there something wrong with the bar?" I tried. I really just wanted to ask why he was so down. I had a feeling he wasn't going to tell me. "There are plenty of people buying drinks. They don't look like they're giving the bartender a hard time, either."

Hope cringed. "No, I know," he replied. "It's just that…well, I'm not really a _people person _if you know what I mean. Kind of ironic… One of my colleagues in the lab—she noticed that I'm kind of hopeless about these things. She thinks it's sweet. We started talking more and things are looking up."

"Oh," I said, in that way where I obviously didn't know what else to say. Hope smiled anyway. "…that sounds great. Are you two dating, or…?"

"Yeah, we are. I'm really happy with her…" he trailed off.

Hope busied himself with changing the song. It felt like there wasn't any music playing at all. Just the sounds of us standing around in an awkward silence. I didn't know him well enough to tell if he'd just lied to me or not. If he was happy with his girlfriend, then why did he seem so miserable? Right on time, I saw my sister dancing by herself in the middle of the dancefloor. Something told me she'd been avoiding me. I had to talk to her now before she noticed me and ran off again.

"Serah's here," I pointed out. "I've been meaning to talk to her. I'm gonna head over there."

"See you," said Hope, waving goodbye.

I had no idea why I felt bad about leaving him. He was a grown man—he could take care of himself. For some reason, I felt responsible, as if I had to get to the bottom of whatever was wrong with him. But, Fang was right. Once I could say that I'd kept track of his signs, he couldn't deny it. Later, then…

I squeezed my way through the crowded dancefloor to get to my sister. The sheer heat of everyone sweating and dancing hit me hard. Someone nearly spilled their beer over my shirt. Someone else tried to dance against me, thinking I was interested in them for some reason. Another person loudly asked what my name was and if I was into cage fucking. I ignored all of them and made my way over to my sister. Serah was still in the center, dancing with her eyes closed and her arms over her head. Her long hair was down for once, her makeup was dark, and she had on an outfit that reminded me too much of Lumina's—all-black, with a thin, flowing cardigan, short skirt, heels and fishnet stockings. From the red tint over her face, she must have been tipsy again. Just as I neared her, she tried to run off. I grabbed her arm and pulled her back over to me. Serah threw her arms around my neck, switching her hips up and down to the beat of the music. I frowned at her, waiting for her to open her eyes and look at me. She never did.

"Serah!" I shouted over the music. She grabbed one of my hands and put it over her waist. "Damnit, I don't want to dance with you! We need to talk! Why are you acting like this?"

Serah threw her head back, still dancing. "Like what?" she asked.

"Like a manipulative bitch with Snow and Vanille," I growled. Serah widened her eyes, putting her hand over her mouth in pretend-shock. "Don't give me that. You know exactly what you're doing. I've tried my best to stay out of it. It's getting to the point where I have to do something. This is nothing like you!"

"If you let me show you how to dance," she whispered in my ear, "I'll tell you everything."

"What the hell is _everything_?"

"Noel. You. Fang. Vanille. Fragments of memories reminding me how you raised me. _Everything_."

I knew she wouldn't tell me anything unless I went along with this. If I didn't talk some sense into her, Vanille would end up hurt again. I held Serah around her waist and stood in place, waiting for her instructions. She swayed her hips close to mine. I got that I was supposed to imitate her doing that. I didn't expect her to hold my shoulders and move them. She mentioned something in my ear about the way snakes moved—sensual momentum, letting everything flow. I mimicked her just fine after that.

Serah beamed at me. "You're pretty good at this," she said. "Did Fang teach you already?"

"No, not exactly," I answered. "I've watched her dance enough times to get the idea behind it. Now what's going on with you? You mentioned Noel first."

"He's changed so much," she replied. "It feels like just yesterday…we were the best of friends. I trusted him with my life. I grew so much as a person during our journey together with Mog. I thought Noel and I would always be close, no matter what happened. And now he's the leader of Luxerion's Secutors. He probably wants you dead for getting in his way. The friendship we had must mean nothing to him."

"This is news to me since you don't really mention him," I said.

"What's the point?" asked Serah, jaded. "We are who we are. People don't change. All he was ever interested in from the start was finding Yeul again. Protecting _her_. He threw me away for her, just like you did to me with Fang. It's a constant cycle. I shouldn't care. Drinking and sex helps me to forget it all."

My heart dropped to my stomach from hearing that. "Why do you feel that way about what I did…?"

Serah danced closer—against me. "Claire, we both know how it happened," she said. "I told you I didn't like your girlfriend. Instead of talking it over with me, you showed me the door. In my own house."

"You seemed like you'd already made up your mind…"

"Maybe I just wanted you to talk to me instead of shutting me out like you always do."

This wasn't the time to argue about it. "I'm sorry, Serah," I replied. "I shouldn't have done that to you."

Serah smiled. "I'm sorry, too," she said. "I was convinced that Fang was all these things when she really wasn't. I should have gotten to know her better. I'm glad I did. She's an amazing person. It was nice talking to her about how I grew up with you. She pointed out how sheltered I used to be. Then she helped me see that it was the real reason why I broke up with Snow. After finding more fragments of memories, I started wondering if I should go back to him since I'm not afraid of that lifestyle anymore…"

"But what about Vanille?" I asked. "Is she _just _an experiment for you?"

"No…I don't know," she muttered against my shoulder. "That's what scares me the most. I thought I was only into guys. Girls never interested me that way. Then I started getting to know her more. She's opened my eyes in so many ways. I feel like I can't tell her. I've changed so much. I'm not good for her."

"I think you _would_ be if you stopped stringing her and Snow along."

"You say that, but you don't know everything… I promise I'll leave Snow alone. I can stop hurting them that way. Beyond that, it's way more complicated. I'm not ready to talk about it yet."

I stopped dancing once the song changed. "As long as you're not hurting anyone," I said. "That's fine with me. I'll be here whenever you want to talk." I noticed a bunch of Serah's friends crowding around us. Some of the girls waved shyly at me, looking me up and down and whispering to their friends next to them. "…guess that's my cue to leave. I'll be around if you need me. I'm waiting for Fang to get down here."

Serah giggled. "You might be waiting a while," she replied. "She sent me a text an hour ago asking how to walk in those heels. There was a picture of her in the outfit you gave her. I love you for making her wear it!" I wanted to see this picture. She knew I did. Instead of showing me the picture, she reached in her crystal and pulled out a masculine-looking silver watch. Serah held my wrist, putting the watch on for me. "This is your gift from me. Fang and I had a joke argument over both of us getting you jewelry. It was a funny coincidence. Silver looks good on you."

So this was why Fang made that comment about me not having a watch. "Thank you, Serah," I said, smiling. "I'm surprised it fits me. It looked bigger before you put it on." Then I noticed something strange about it. "The hands show the normal time. But what's with the longer blue hand over thirteen?"

"Oh! I don't really know, actually," she answered. "The lady at the store mentioned something about thirteen hours and chaos. Like, if you put the watch on, and the long hand goes to that hour, then it's supposed to be some kind of good luck charm? I figured maybe you might know more about it. Or you'd at least be curious enough to find out." Serah gave me a chaste kiss over my cheek. "Fang should be down here soon! You'll love what she has on. I'll see you later, okay?"

I watched her skip off to the hookah bar with her friends. I was tempted to follow her, just to look out for her. But, again, she was an adult. My sister could look out for herself. I trusted that she'd have a better handle on things from here on out.

I left the dancefloor and went to stand against a wall. Nearly three hours had passed since I last saw Fang, and I had no idea what to do once she showed up. I had to come up with an idea for a scene with her. I'd talked a lot of game back in our room. If I didn't deliver, I'd end up annoyed with myself. I got out the black velvet Fang had given me, smoking for a few minutes. I actually wanted Fang to keep taking her sweet time upstairs. I knew she was busy talking with Vanille about my sister. That was fine with me. I needed some more time to think of something… I kept looking back and forth between my new watch and the other people around me. I thought that smoking this would help to relax me. It ended up doing the opposite. My hand holding the black velvet started shaking from my nerves. I couldn't think of any good ideas. That conversation we had in the bathroom stayed with me, but I couldn't pick out a solid scene from that. Maybe I needed to have a look around the party.

I went over to one of the regular bars. I found Sazh and Snow there having a conversation with the bartender. That was normal. What _wasn't _normal was seeing them with some kind of dildos in their hands. They sucked on them, scrunching their faces up like they'd tasted something sour. The bartender frowned sadly as Snow and Sazh both shook their heads in disapproval.

"God, what the hell is this?!" blurted Snow. "The _cocktail's_ not supposed to be this warm! Why isn't it cold? I get that there's vodka in it; you can drink that stuff at room temperature, but _not like this_!"

The bartender hung his head. "I-I don't know!" he cried. "Someone must have left the drinks out…"

"As a joke?" wondered Sazh. He took another sip—or suck, whatever—and made a disgusted noise. "No way are these things gonna sell! Looks like this entrepreneurial venture of yours is a no-go."

Snow slammed the dildo down over the bar. "What a waste!" he complained. He seemed angrier than he normally would have been. I guessed he was still annoyed over Serah teasing him earlier. "I spent a lot of money on these things! I thought they'd be a hit! If they were _cold_, maybe they'd sell! Tastes like we're drinking piss straight out of a rubber dick! It'd be worse if the alcohol was yellow. Thank God it looks like water from the vodka."

"…what's going on?" I asked them.

Sazh sighed. "Mr. Inventor over here lost his whole investment," he said, pointing at Snow. "Thought he could make a killing tonight sellin' cocktails in, well, cocks." He showed me how the dildos were hollow, holding alcohol in them like bottles. "Would've been a great idea if the alcohol inside wasn't warm. Makes my mouth feel like a urinal just lookin' at these things."

I couldn't help saying, "That sucks."

"This is disgusting!" raged Snow. "I should've had Hope watch over the bar. Maybe he could've listened to instructions and kept these things in the cooler! You're fucking useless, dude. You're fired! Get out of here!" The bartender left in shame. Snow grumbled. "Man, I don't know what's gotten into me today…"

"I could take a guess," said Sazh. "Could be a certain little lady related to this one right here."

Snow scowled. "Yeah, I guess," he muttered. "Hey, sis. Do you want some free cocks?"

"No," I told him. "What would I do with them?"

"I don't know!" he said, pulling a few from behind a bar. "Look, this is my sales pitch! They're a lot like limp dicks when they're empty. When they're full, they get hard, but the outside's soft enough to feel like a circumcised cock. They have a ball sack, see? You can put a stick in between the opening to hold them all at once. The idea was to go around holding the stick up and for people to take the cocks off, you know, like a waiter carrying around a silver platter with glasses of champagne."

"Yeah, I _definitely_ see the inspiration behind it," I mocked. Sazh laughed and walked off. "Seriously, Snow? _This_ was your bright idea?"

"It was either these or vaginas," said Snow, shrugging. I honestly couldn't picture how that would've worked. "There are more straight women and gay guys here than anything. I thought I'd be catering to the majority! They would've gotten a kick out of dancing around with dicks in their mouths."

I rolled my eyes and said, "I think you need to go back to the drawing board."

Snow waited until Sazh was a ways away. "So, Jihl Nabaat told me about that thing," he whispered. "You know, at the ball in a few weeks… I gotta tell you—I don't have a good feeling about it. You're supposed to let that power-hungry prick shoot at you?! And _I'm _supposed to tell my security to ignore the guy hauling around a sniper rifle in the halls? That's such a bad idea. It's even worse than _these_ things!"

"She'll handle it," I assured him. He didn't look convinced. "It's too complicated for me to explain here. I'm sure Jihl told you everything. If he's caught red-handed, he can't talk his way out of it. Once he's taken care of, we won't have to worry about anyone hauling Fang off to Luxerion."

"I can't help it if I'm overprotective of you," he mumbled. "After what happened at the restaurant…"

"I'll be fine, Snow," I said. "Try not to worry about it. I see it as just another mission I have to do. You should do the same."

I heard a few people wolf-whistling and cat-calling at someone behind us. I ignored them at first, thinking there was nothing all that special going on. The cheering didn't stop. Then I saw Snow staring at the commotion with lust in his eyes. I turned around to see what the big deal was. I saw Vanille first, wearing an outfit that matched Serah's, with her hair down and everything. She had her arm linked with Fang's. My eyes widened when I saw her. My pulse picked up; I had to stop my jaw from dropping. Neither of them had on much makeup—just dark mascara that made their emerald eyes stand out even more. And Fang…she actually had on the outfit I gave her: a solid, tight black corset, a garter belt with thin stockings, and thigh-high stretch leather fuck me boots with stiletto heels on them. I kept my eyes on her boots in between the crowd of people gathering around her and Vanille. Both of them seemed oblivious to all the people around them, engrossed in conversation with each other instead. Fang's walk wasn't as confident as I remembered it. I almost couldn't tell from how well the leather wrapped around her legs. I seriously couldn't believe she found the courage to wear this in front of everyone for me.

Snow let out a low whistle. "If I wasn't jealous of your love life before, I sure am now," he told me. "_And _it looks like Vanille's here to seduce Serah. Guess I lost them both… Your Pulsian Queen's pretty damn hot, too." I snapped out of my thoughts, turning back to him. "What? Am I not allowed to say it?"

"Uh…yeah, I guess you can if you want to…"

"This is the first time I've seen you speechless," he pointed out, smiling. "I'd better take advantage of it! Here, Lightning." He handed me the cocks. "I want these gone! You can give them to Fang. You know her—she'll have a field day with them. It'll be something to entertain her at least?" I stared at him, feeling at a loss. "C'mon, sis! Will you take them off my hands? I've gotta run this bar by myself now."

"A bunch of dicks on a stick," I deadpanned, staring at them. "Just what I always wanted…" I turned back to look at Fang and Vanille. It looked like they were still talking. They spotted Serah over at the hookah bar with her college friends. Vanille seemed to ask Fang a question; Fang smiled a little, encouraging her to go over to my sister. "Actually, keep these here…" As I watched their exchange, an idea for a scene slowly trickled through to me. Fang stood along the wall with her arms folded around her waist. Oddly self-conscious… "I'll come back for them later—I promise. Put them away somewhere for me."

"Oh, yeah, sure!" called Snow as I walked away. "They'll just be here getting _even_ _warmer_ for you!"

I left the bar right on time. Some metrosexual-looking guy was in Fang's face, asking to buy her a drink. I hurried up when I saw her annoyed scowl. I already knew this wouldn't end well.

"What's your poison, baby?" he asked. "Something that'll make you take me over your knee and spank me? I'll be a bad boy for you. That turn you on?"

Fang leered at him. "You've gotta be jokin' me," she bit back.

He danced a little to the music. "I can get down with you!" he boasted. "You're one of those Dominatrix babes, right? I don't want you to fuck me up the ass. How about I eat yours instead?"

Fang didn't seem to care about the conversation anymore. "…I ain't interested," she droned.

"What?!" he cried. "You're turning _me_ down? Don't you know who I am? Are you not from here?!"

I grabbed him by the shoulder, pulling him out of Fang's face. "Get lost," I said to him. "She's mine and she doesn't want you. Don't make me tell you again."

He narrowed his eyes, looking back and forth between us. "Oh, I get it!" he shouted. He held his hands up, mocking me. "You're a pair of dykes! I almost couldn't tell! You're both hot. Were you drunk when you fingered her the first time? Two best friends hooking up?" Fang pursed her smirking lips together. I knew she wanted to laugh at this guy for thinking he could talk to me like this. I counted backward from ten. I hoped that he had enough sense to walk away. Sadly, he didn't. When I didn't react, he smirked at me before opening his mouth for the last time that night: "You know, stud, I gotta tell you something—it's too bad you get to eat her pussy. We men lost a good pair of bitches to slap around—"

I grabbed his collar this time. "First you disrespect my girlfriend, and now you act like you're entitled to slap women?!" I yelled over his screaming. He sputtered broken apologies. "It's too late!"

I punched his glass jaw. He screamed again and fell to the ground, bleeding. Fang laughed and stepped over him. Security guards hurried over to survey the mess. Once they saw it was me, they let Fang and me walk away without incident. She held my hand, still laughing as she guided me to the upper floor overlooking the party.

"He had it comin'," she said. "I was gonna do it myself 'til I saw you outta the corner of my eye."

"So you _let me _do it for you?" I asked.

Fang smiled. "For once in my life, I wanted to _let you_ be my hero," she teased. "You're like my knight in shinin' black armor with silver accessories. You wanna protect me, don't you? Well, you had a taste of it just now. It's a hard job, ain't it?"

"You were hardly in any danger…"

"Didn't you hear? Chauvinistic pigs are pretty deadly! They carry diseases and everything."

Once the joke passed, I noticed her self-esteem withdrawing again. As we walked up the winding stairwell, Fang lightly dug her nails into my knuckles—what was left of her nails, anyway. They felt jagged, like she'd bitten them down in her anxiety. I wrapped my arm around her waist, keeping her steady as she went up the stairs with me. Fang was too proud to hold onto the railing. When we made it to the top of the stairs, she let out the breath she'd been holding in. I really wanted to compliment the way she looked. I had a feeling she didn't want me to say anything. Just to be sure…

"Fang—"

"—not a word," she warned. "I know you wanna charm me and say somethin' nice. There's only one thing that'll make me feel better." She led me to Snow's throne overlooking the party. Fang stood in front of me while I sat down. "Before that, first things first—I wanna know _exactly_ _why _you picked this out. You knew I'd have to learn how to walk in these boots."

"It's different for you," I replied. "It's sexy _because _it's so different from your usual style…" Fang bent her leg, nestling it between both of mine. I blanked out as I stared at her boot. "And…I have a fascination with…with this contradiction." She used the tips of her fingers to lift my chin. I felt my heavy breath building in the palm of her hand. Her heady perfume dulled my senses. "Do you know what I mean…?" Fang raised her eyebrow and shook her head. She reached into her crystal and gave me another piece of her black velvet to smoke. "You look like a Domme but _I_ want to fuck _you_."

Fang leaned over me, lighting up the black velvet. "Oh I bet you do," she said, relaxed. "When I pictured this moment, I thought I'd be wearin' a lot less up here." She pressed her hands along my shoulders, moving her hips to the dark beat of the music. "I wanna meet Lightning tonight. I'm more than happy to give you a lap dance if it'll bring her out." She toyed with my belt buckle and licked her lips. The way she danced was snake-like—hypnotizing. Heat steamed through my pores; sweat rolled down my temples. "Seein' you react like this to me is a new experience."

She breathed in the smoke as she straddled my lap, swaying against me, so sensual. Lightly, Fang moved her touch up to my neck, holding my thundering pulse. Hearing her shallow breaths in my ear drowned out the sounds of everyone else below us. Feeling her corseted waist pressing against me made my mind race with all the ways I wanted to take her. But I had to remember—she _wanted _to meet my sadistic alter-ego tonight. Or at least she thought she did. I smoked more to keep my cool. Fang noticed the shift. She eased her body around, slowly grinding her hips into me. I held the curve of her waist in my free hand. I stared at the lines of her garter belt down her thighs. Her boots shined in the black light of the chandelier. I smoothed my hand down to touch them. From this angle, I saw half of the people downstairs staring up at us as they danced. I inched my hand up along the inside of her thighs.

Fang leaned back to whisper in my ear, "You can do whatever you want to me tonight, sexy." She pressed her hand over mine, kneading it over her thong. "It made me smile seein' you get protective of me back there. I know you wouldn't want no one fucking me before you got a chance to." Her hot arousal seeped through to my touch. A little deeper—she pushed the tips of my fingers into her just enough to let me know how tight she was. It took everything in me to not push into her. She sensed it, trembling in response. "I love you for challengin' me. I hate you for knowin' exactly how to push my buttons."

"I've barely started," I said, breathing along the bend of her neck. "Do you want to know what else I have for you? I'll make you regret giving me this much freedom."

"That a challenge?" she asked, eager. "I can't say no to one—not from you."

Just a precaution: "So we're clear…you remember our safe words?" I asked. "Right?"

Fang laughed, haughty. "Yeah, _fuck off_," she recited. "Why would I ever use those with you? I read your hard limits in your journal. Polygamy, any kind of orgies, forced bisexuality, cuckolding—basically any _sharin'—_and that medical play stuff and blood play. I ain't into none of that, either. You like to mind fuck me; I'm better at bein' more physical to overpower you. We're good!"

I left out a few things because they disgusted me so much that I couldn't write them down. I'm glad I did that. Fang didn't need to know yet. She'd find out soon enough.

"Yeah, we're good," I replied. "The scene starts now." I pulled out a pair of handcuffs from my crystal. Fang gasped when I cuffed her wrists behind her back. "You never realize when you're walking right into a trap. It's kind of cute, actually. I like that you're comfortable around me." I blindfolded her. Then I put on a full face mask over her head—just to _make sure _she couldn't see anything. I pulled the mask up enough to keep her mouth exposed. She squirmed over my lap, demanding to know what this was all about. "Relax. At least you don't have to worry about walking back downstairs in your boots."

I picked her up, carrying her back down to the party. Fang kicked her legs in the air and jerked her head around. She yelled at the top of her lungs for me to stop and put her down. The people we passed by were either too drunk or busy dancing to pay us any mind. I was impressed. All I did so far was cuff her and blindfold her, and she was already throwing a fit. She must have thought I wouldn't top making her feel uncomfortable in this outfit. Now that I'd made it clear that I was about to, Fang couldn't stand it. She was like a powerless child who could only scream and yell. I could practically hear her mind going crazy with scenarios I had in store for her, each more undesirable than the last. I bent down enough to smell between her thighs. Hot, fresh arousal crept through her thong, steadily slipping down through the fabric.

She loved this and hated it, too.

I made it back to Snow's bar. He smiled as he mixed a few drinks for his customers. I waited until he finished with them before walking up to him. When he was about to laugh at Fang and ask what her deal was, I shushed him. Fang didn't hear me in between her tantrum and the music playing. I couldn't find a way to subtly tell Snow this was part of a scene. Thankfully, I didn't need to—he got the hint right away.

"Bring them," I told him, loud enough for Fang to hear. "I want all of them with us." Snow pulled out dozens of his dick bottles with the vodka and soda cocktails in them. "I'm taking her to the men's bathroom. Follow us there and we can get started."

"What?!" shouted Fang. "What the hell are we goin' there for? Who's followin' us? Are they gonna _watch _me get humiliated by you? Goddamnit, Lightning, put me down!"

"If that's what you really want," I said, leading Snow to the bathroom, "Then use the safe words. If you don't, then this ends when I want it to." Fang went quiet. "That's what I thought. I know you're enjoying this. You talk a lot of shit, Fang. When it comes down to it, you're just as scared as anyone else would be. It's time to see if you can back up all that shit-talking."

When we got to the men's bathroom, Fang's fears picked up again. Every step I took over the black marble made her complain louder. There wasn't anyone else in here yet. I went over to a wall close to the lone stall in the room, away from the urinals. In case Fang thrashed around too much, I didn't want her to hit her head against anything. I set Fang down on the cold floor. She writhed around in agony. I still hadn't _done _anything yet. I scowled down at her. Her disobedience was starting to get on my nerves.

I turned around and pointed to the nearest corner. Snow set the bottles down there. Then I pointed at the door for him to get out. He clasped his hands, quietly begging me to let him stay and watch. I sighed beneath Fang's continued shouting, shaking my head. Snow frowned and wiped his eyes, pretending to cry. He gestured to a urinal instead, silently asking if he could at least use it before he left. I waved my hand and went back to my childish girlfriend. I didn't think it was possible for her to scream any louder. Once she heard the sounds of Snow pissing in the urinal, Fang nearly lost it. More guys came in, their heavy footsteps and hushed speculations echoing through the room. They had no idea what went on. Some of them tried to mind their business and went to a urinal. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw most of them staring at us through the mirror.

Fang slithered her body against the wall, begging me not to do this. I stood in place for a while, watching her work herself up. She must've been a handful when she was a toddler. She'd had to grow up the hard way back in Oerba's orphanage, looking after Vanille and protecting their village. Somewhere along the line, she had to hide this: the terrified child in her that couldn't face the unknown.

Seeing those fuck me boots on her made this so much sweeter. The irony was too good to pass up.

I knelt down and held her arm—not too loose, not too firm. "Fang," I growled. "You need to stop this. You're pissing me off. All this shouting isn't going to get you off the hook." She didn't listen to me. I gripped her arm harder. "This is your last chance. Shut the fuck up before I make you scream even louder." Of course, Fang still wouldn't do as I said. She knew that there were men in here watching us. I had no idea what else she'd thought up in that head of hers. "Since you're asking for it, I want you to do it clearly this time." I forced her to get on all fours and stay there. I stood and locked my knees around her torso to keep her steady. Fang tried to muffle her screams against my legs. I undid my belt buckle, loud enough for her to hear it. Slowly I pulled my belt off, caressing the leather as I stared down at her. "You're going to get humiliated. Beg for it. Tell me you want it. Tell me _why_."

To my surprise, Fang didn't hesitate, "Lightning, whatever it is, please give it to me—" I whipped her ass with my belt. She cried out in mixed pain and pleasure. "Baby, teach me a lesson. I want your sickness. I want you to humiliate me and show everyone I belong to you—" I whipped her again. Fang yelled louder, arching her back to lift her ass higher in the air. I kept going, harder and harder as she repeated, "Make me your bitch tonight. Make me let go. I love you, I love you, _I love you_; I hate you! I fucking hate you for doin' this to me but I fucking want it!" Harder, _harder, __**harder**_; she moaned louder and louder, body trembling. "Fuck, Lightning, I want it! Please, _please_…"

I put my belt back on. I stepped around her, letting her collapse back to the floor. Fang curled up there while I went to the corner to get the cocktail bottles. She crossed her boots one over the other as she shifted around. She moved her head around, trying to follow me by listening to where I walked. A crowd had gathered in the doorway. I saw Serah and Vanille right at the front through the mirror. I saw my sister smirking. Vanille had her hands over her mouth, watching in horror. I didn't dare turn around to acknowledge them. Space to use the urinals was limited. The men who were already inside had to form a line, well away from the space I'd made for the scene. Listening to those footsteps put Fang right back on-edge. She had no idea how close they really were. I watched her slither back up against the wall.

That was the mind fuck right there. She _thought _I'd brought in all these men to humiliate her. When I went back over to her, I grabbed her by her hair beneath the mask. Fang squirmed around, trying to move _away. _She didn't know it was only me.

"Lightning…?" she asked, sitting up on her knees. "Is that you?" The chatter in the background helped to mask the sound of me pulling one of the dicks off of the stick. "I… I thought you said no sharin'? What's goin' on…? Who is this?" I held her jaw firmer than I normally would have, to make her think I was some random guy. Fang flinched. "What are you doin'? _Who are you_? What the fuck—?"

I used the cock to slap the exposed part of her face. She shouted and backed against the wall. Fang had no place else to go. I had to keep this believable. When I stood in front of her, I kept the dick around my navel, as if it was mine. I stayed there for a bit, reveling in her fear. When I squeezed the base of the cock, the vodka came pouring out over her mouth. Fang _screamed _and thrashed around against the wall. She couldn't move her head anywhere—not with me holding her jaw. I did this again and again. Each time I emptied one of the bottles over her front, I stepped away. I came back with a fresh cock, grabbing her over a different part of her body, all to make it seem like it was a different guy each time.

Some of the actual guys behind me got the picture. They let out low chuckles as they watched, adding to the scene. Every time someone let out a more audible laugh, Fang yelled that much louder. I hoped she wouldn't pick up on what this really was. There were only so many different places I could grab her without getting repetitive. Luckily, Fang was so humiliated that she couldn't reason her way out of it. I bent down to stroke her clit and see how wet she was. She jumped and clamped her thighs around my hand, shouting in rage. I wondered why that made her even wetter than she already was.

"Lightning, this is fucking disgusting!" she screamed. "Tell these fuckers to go piss in the fucking urinal! Damn you, you motherfucking bitch! Get back here! You're a nasty little sadist!"

"If it's so disgusting," I said, "Why are you getting off to it? You've been moaning in between all that screaming. I know you're wet, too." Fang breathed harder. She didn't know what to say to me. "Seems to me that you're a filthy slut that'll get off to anything." That made me a little more daring. For the next dick, I hooked my thumb over her lower lip, forcing her mouth to stay open. I shoved the cock in her mouth, squeezing the vodka down her throat. Fang choked on her own moans. "Fang…are you _sure _you're a lesbian?" I barely heard her let out a whimper. She did her best to keep it quiet. Her best wasn't good enough. "I'm gonna have to rethink our relationship since you secretly like these things… Well. It's not such a secret anymore, is it?"

Fang couldn't _hear _that I was right in front of her, saying these things. She couldn't _taste _the alcohol and realize it wasn't piss. It was so warm. Then again, if she really took the time to trust her senses, she'd figure it out. She was too far gone in her fear. I fucked her mouth as I emptied the alcohol into her. I did it with another dick, and another, and another after that, and yet another. Fang couldn't take much more. I sensed she was almost at her limit. For the last cock, I didn't put it in her mouth. I kept it in front of her, emptying half of it over her breasts and down to her boots. I watched her cough and shiver, still catching her breath from me fucking her mouth. She'd had enough.

I unlocked her handcuffs first. She grabbed me around my legs, like she wanted to hurt me. Then she realized it was just me. I knelt down with her and took off her mask. Fang stared down at herself. She expected to see yellow. I showed her the cock. I squeezed the last of the vodka out over the floor. Fang stared at me in shock. When she saw how far away everyone else was, and all of the empty dick bottles nearby, her beautiful eyes lit up in understanding.

"You motherfucking pervert!" she said, almost laughing. "I can't _believe_ you!"

I was about to explain what the bottles were all about. Fang crushed her lips against mine before I could get a word out. It seemed like she'd forgotten all of her rage. She pressed her body against me, begging me to take her back upstairs. I was about to clean up the mess until she straddled me, grinding her soaking clit against my leg. I felt and smelled how wet she was. I forgot about the mess and took her in my arms. The people hanging around in the doorway dispersed; I barely saw Serah grinning at me through the crowd. I carried Fang away from the party, hurrying back up to our room.


	18. Requiescat

"_A Necessary End" by Saltillo_

_**XVIII. **__Requiescat_

Within the quiet sanctuary of our moonlit room, I listened to my emotions wash over me. Within that silence, Fang lay over the bed, still in her corset and boots, smiling down at me. I knelt down along the floor near the side of the bed and kept my head bowed to her. I'd only taken my boots, rings, watch and wristbands off, leaving my necklace the rest of my clothes on. She reached over to the nightstand next to me, feeding me fruit and white chocolate. She had her eye on the clock. Fang wouldn't let me touch her until midnight. I'd been kneeling before her for an hour, waiting. Just a few more minutes. In that hour; in those minutes, as I lightly sucked her fingers, I felt the way I fell for her. Horizons in my heart broadened as I waited for her permission to lift my head up. Fang was so much closer to me after our scene earlier. Ardently close—I could feel the warmth of her smile right against my bowed head. Her zeal, her vigor to _live_ dared me to dream beyond my limitations. I felt it all building with my arousal at simply kneeling before her, promising with words unspoken that I was completely loyal to her.

Fang fed me another sliced strawberry. "Your sense of honor turns me on," she murmured. "I know I told you already. It don't hurt to tell you again." I sucked on her fingertips. She moaned softly through her smile. "This reminds me…did I ever tell you why you're my left hand?"

"You said Vanille's your right hand," I recalled. "I don't think you told me why I'm your left one."

Out of the corner of my eye, I watched the clock strike midnight. "The left hand is closer to the heart," said Fang. My heart swelled from the metaphor. "After that mind fuck you gave me, I feel madly close to you. I'm in a lovin' mood now." She shifted, sitting over the bed. I inhaled the vodka-leather smell of her fuck me boots. She pressed one of them along my shoulder. "Are you?"

"Yes, my queen," I breathed.

She edged her boot closer to my face. The smell of vodka over her leather didn't fill me with that loss of control. I held Fang's leg in my arms, crossed around her in the same shape as the laces running down her shins. I took my time kissing up her boots. I wanted to let her feel how special she was to me—through this. Fang's impassioned sighs drove me deeper into a trance. Vague sounds of the party downstairs gradually filtered out. I stopped thinking, letting everything else take over. All I wanted to do was please her—infinitely. Fang held my face in her hands and pulled me up to her. I knelt over the bed. She drew me into her full lips; her softness steamed me so much I started to sweat. The faint breeze from the air conditioner brushed up my arms—higher when Fang slipped my short-sleeved jacket down. I heard the fabric fall to the floor behind me. I reached behind Fang and undid her corset. She inhaled deeply, pressing her breasts against my shirt. Marks from the corset had hollowed over her skin. I traced across the ones over her back: such a contradiction of softness and sinew over her smooth skin.

Fang's kept her hands along my shoulders, pushing to pull me into her. "Happy birthday, baby," she whispered, spreading her legs; bringing me closer. "I'm all yours." She wrapped her legs around my waist. Heated pressure built all over me when I felt how wet she was. "Love me. Just love me…"

When she leaned down to the bed, I fell into another beginning with her. Something I hadn't let myself experience before. Every time her tongue brushed against mine, Fang painted a deeper picture through me: one where I _couldn't _be without her. I truly needed her in this light. The brightness of it all made my breaths tremble into her. Sharper I inhaled to mask my fear, moving to kiss down and back up her whole body. Her reactions to me sounded softer than I remembered; more emotive all the same. She combed her fingers through my sweating scalp. She pulled off my top and shorts, leaving my undershirt boxer briefs alone. I groaned at the tightness of her boots clamping around me. That same pressure built within. It built thicker when she guided my hand between her, stroking her hot warmth with hers and mine. It built thickest when she held my other hand alongside her face, fingers intertwined.

Sensations unfamiliar and bright lights overwhelmed me. These foreign, near-crippling emotions took over. Two of my fingers I slipped into her. Fang dug her slick fingertips into my back—just hard enough to tell me she wanted more. I kept my forehead pressed against hers, staring down into her eyes. Fearless intensity and need I saw there in her, wordlessly begging me to keep going. Deeper I inched into her, using my wrist to push through her tight need—claiming her. Hotter, soaking want slipped around and down my hand, mixing with the sweat in my palms and the nerves in my limbs. I gripped her hand tighter as I pushed all the way inside of her. She arched into me and cried out in longing.

I stopped to take in the moment. Fang palmed my back beneath my undershirt. Such a rare sentiment: I wouldn't have minded if she made me take it off. She left it alone. I shut my eyes, leaning my head down to rest against her heated neck. Smelling the dark waves of her hair and feeling her deep breathing underneath me were reminders that this was real. I'd nearly lost myself to how surreal this was. Not just the moment, but this change I felt in me.

"Light," she whispered, breaths quavering against my ear. "Whatever you're feelin'…_give it_ to me." I couldn't speak. My throat stung with all of my emotions broiling to the surface. I pulled out just enough and thrust back inside of her. Fang's rapture echoed through me and against my skin. "Pour everything into me. Share it with me…love me with it, _harder_."

I followed her wishes. Three fingers and then four, soaking me farther down. Her cries grew more guttural every time I went into her. Fang's sounds and heat and presence and beauty coiled around any chances I'd had to live without her. Any cold independence I had; any lone wolf tendencies; any selfishness, any loneliness, any pure self-interests and any means I had to resist her love all dissipated as the days and nights passed with her in my arms. Two weeks all blended into one long moment of pleasing Fang, of setting aside any room my honor had to exist on its own. This uncharted place brought out too many fears in me. I couldn't sleep without her next to me. I couldn't think clearly unless Fang was with me, or if I knew she was someplace safe. I couldn't imagine my life separate from hers. True devotion and dependency on another person: two things I'd never understood, and still couldn't. They gripped me as Fang did every night when I loved her, fucked her physically, mentally and emotionally, whipped her, challenged her. I sensed more understanding from Fang in the way she didn't _touch _me. She knew me better now that she'd read my journal. If she did try, I wouldn't have been as resistant to it. Not on the outside. With all of these revelations, I knew I risked my heart running away from her to keep myself safe. Safety, seclusion…two things I'd relied on for so long, and I didn't need them anymore.

.

_Lightning…ever since you brought me home, I've wanted to fly with you. Not just in an airship. Through the skies, emotionally charged—off together on our own journey that no one else could imagine. I wanna go everywhere with you, whether it's by air or sea. The way you handle me reassures me again and again that I wasn't a fool when I first fell in love with you. Waitin' an eternity for you was truly worth it._

The first Saturday of November had finally arrived. It was the night of PSICOM's charity ball in Snow's palace. The funds were supposed to go toward rebuilding their headquarters in Bodhum, but Jihl of course had other plans. I had on my white tuxedo, waiting alone in a rococo-style vestibule that led to the ballroom. Tall ceilings and bright lights surrounded me as I listened to the chatter coming from beyond the doors. Thousands of politicians and other dignitaries all made their way through the foyer and up to the ballroom, networking and scoping out the state of the war. There were people from Nova Chrysalia and Cocoon in attendance, hoping to fund our side of the war—not just the reconstruction. Luxerion's isolationist status hadn't exactly made them a lot of friends. Every other crystal-state seemed more interested in cutting off Luxerion's Secutors, leaving the city vulnerable to a friendly takeover. I looked forward to that happening—I'd finally be able to stop worrying about Noel finding some way to take Fang away from me.

As soon as the ball started at nine, Fang and I were due to share the first dance of the night—and our first dance of all time. A slow-dance was perfect for the occasion. This would be a lot different than sitting around at some bar, watching her dance with Vanille and Serah from a distance.

I stood next to a wooden table where I had all of my documents spread out: photographs outlining Snow's security system, details on the differences between the silent alarm and the mobilized one, and all of the emergency exits hidden around the building. It looked like the emergency exits were useless if the silent alarm went off—every window and door would quietly seal itself. Except the front door. That was technically the most inconspicuous option, but I didn't have a good feeling about it. In case Snow's security _and _Jihl lost track of Rosch, I'd be forced to walk casually out the front door and _hope_ I didn't get shot. I couldn't rely on that. I reached inside my crystal, checking to see if I could use Etro's blessing as a last resort. I triggered it, generating a dim shield of light around me. It did draw some attention, but it would guarantee me protection against at least one projectile. I disabled the shield and breathed a sigh of relief.

My nerves crept back up again as the clock neared nine, and yet Jihl still hadn't contacted me. I knew she wanted to keep things covert. This was ridiculous. She couldn't even check in with me first?

"Kupo!" Mog appeared in front of me, wearing a little tuxedo and a bow tie. "Lightning! There you are, kupo," he said. "Serah asked me to check on you. Are you okay, kupo?"

"I'm a little nervous," I replied. "I wish there wasn't so many people around to see Fang and I dance for the first time. Other than that, I'm fine." He wouldn't say it, but he seemed to know that there was more to my story. "Have you seen Jihl Nabaat around? She was supposed to contact me. I haven't heard from her all day."

"The PSICOM officer?" he asked. "Oh! I definitely saw her in the palace a while ago, kupo. She was looking for someone. Maybe she's trying to find you?"

"That's strange," I muttered. "I expected her to call me…"

"Would you like me to look for her, kupo?"

I shook my head and said, "It's all right. Thanks for offering."

Mog twirled around. "Okay, kupo!" he answered. "Just so you know, I'll be going with you to Luxerion! My magic will work with Nova Chrysalia's crystal barrier to help disguise you, kupo. I also have to help Serah connect to the internet! She'll fall behind with her classes without it, kupo."

"I'm glad she's staying on top of things," I said. "And I'm glad you'll be with us. In case we run into trouble, my sister will have her bow and arrows with you." The talking settled down in the ballroom. I checked my watch; it was nearly nine. My nerves crept back up again. I sighed them back down. "I have to get going soon. Tell Serah not to worry about me. I'll go talk to her after I find Jihl."

He promised that he would send the message as he disappeared into thin air. I put the documents back into my crystal, waiting for the few minutes to pass. I had this terrible feeling that something had happened to Jihl. It wasn't like her to not get in touch with me. The only safety net I had was that Rosch wasn't setting up until the second half of the ball. That was all the time I had to find Jihl and figure out where to go from here. She'd been so damn confident in her ability to _control _this situation. I should have doubted her more. I should have told her what I thought. It was too late now. I had to improvise and hope for the best.

I wasn't any good at either of those things. Not having solid plans made me feel powerless. I didn't have a choice in the matter. If I didn't at least go dance with Fang, she'd know that something was up. My main goal in all of this was to not worry her. If I had to leave suddenly, I'd have to find some way to explain this to her. I didn't want to have to have that conversation with her. I knew she'd be mad at me for keeping her in the dark. If it kept her safe; if it kept her from lashing out at Rosch and compromising the mission, she had to stay oblivious for as long as possible.

I felt awful for lying to her. Boiling acid churned in my stomach, making me nauseous. After the way I'd fallen for Fang lately, this guilt was determined to devour me from the inside out.

Right on time, I stepped out of the vestibule to the loud echoes of applause from around the ballroom and the upper floors. I held the pendant of my necklace for a moment, stepping out to the marble floor beneath the bright diamond chandelier. The palace in all its brightness felt as a negative image of how it had looked during the party a few weeks ago. When I saw Fang walking toward me, she looked like a negative image, too. Her black sari fooled me into thinking Vespair had taken her place for some reason. Her dark hair shone with natural red highlights beneath the bright lights and all the eyes on us, setting her apart from the pure shadows of her demon. I saw something playfully smug behind her eyes, gorgeous as ever. She must have noticed how nervous I was. She had no idea exactly _why_ I felt this way.

Fang smirked at me as we met in the center. "Hey there, sweet pea," she said. The chandelier overhead dimmed a little as the slow music started. She draped her arms around my neck. "I didn't think this dance would be such a big deal for you. You're lookin' downright green, babe. Nervous?"

I held her around her waist. "Maybe," I replied, pulling her closer. "We've never danced before." Crisp cherry blossoms from her perfume filled my senses. They helped to block out everyone looking at us. "You look beautiful. I like that you used this perfume again. It always gets to me." Loud distractions of my worries blared through my head. I couldn't fully enjoy this dance with her. I tried to stop thinking about all of that. "I'm curious…why are you wearing this? I thought you were your demon."

"It was her idea," she whispered in my ear. "Somethin' about needin' to be closer to me tonight. What's weird is she just _said it. _She hasn't been tryin' to mess with my head these days. I shouldn't complain. I don't miss that about her." Listening to her breathe, and feeling the sway of her hips in my hold helped to relax me. "Talk to me, Light. I know there's somethin' on your mind."

"…Jihl was supposed to contact me tonight," I told her. "I haven't heard anything. I'm worried."

"You think somethin' happened to her?" asked Fang.

"Probably," I answered. "It's not like her to go back on her word. Then again, I don't want to think about it. I'm here with you now. We have this moment. I don't want to ruin it."

Fang pressed her forehead against mine. We kept our eyes downcast, staring at the imaginary space between us. I wanted to blurt out the truth. I didn't want to kill this dance we shared. I wanted to take responsibility for things going wrong. I didn't want Fang to get angry and do something brash. Despite all of those contradictions, I had to make this better, somehow.

"Listen," I murmured. "I want you to know…no matter what happens, I'll always stand by you. And…I'll always love you. I've gone past the point where I could have possibly lived my life without you."

"Yeah?" she asked, smiling. "I've felt that way for a while. What started it for you?"

I tilted my head just enough to kiss her. She moaned through her parted lips. "I didn't realize it," I said, "But I was afraid to fall for you completely. It meant giving up some part of my independence. Spending this time with you has really opened me. I feel like I can't separate myself from you. Loving you is the most important thing to me. A while back, I didn't care about these things—or I made myself ignore it. My honor rests with you."

Other couples slowly started to surround us. If not for the chandelier lighting up Fang's face again, I wouldn't have noticed everyone in my periphery. Somewhere in that crowd, I saw Vanille and Serah dancing together. I smiled a little more at the thought of their _relationship_ progressing.

Fang's eyes brightened from my words. "It was the sex, wasn't it?" she teased. My face reddened—I hadn't expected her to say that. She laughed. "Oh, babe, I know you. Tryin' to charm me with your silver tongue instead of sayin' it out loud. Don't get me wrong. I love it when you sweet-talk me. But…"

"But what…?"

"I noticed a little change in you over the weeks," she said. "It's brave of you to open up with me." Words unspoken: _because if something bad ever happened between us, I'd feel the pain that much more. _"I really like this. I'm damn curious to see how things'll be in another three months!"

Once we stopped dancing, I guided Fang over to the table where the others were. Snow, Hope, Vanille, Serah and Sazh were there, talking over dinner. I sat with Fang the whole time, keeping my arm wrapped around her waist. For a time, as I listened to my friends and family laugh with each other, I was able to forget about the real reason why I was there. As the halfway point neared, I couldn't keep ignoring the fears in the back of my head: Rosch putting a bullet through my skull because I slacked off and didn't find Jihl in time. I noticed Snow pressing his hand to his earpiece every now and then. He subtly gave me a thumbs-up when he could, letting me know that his security had eyes on Rosch in the building. Eventually, Serah jumped up and dragged Hope to the ballroom floor with her, thinking she might cheer him up a bit more if they danced. Sazh and Snow shrugged and followed after them, deciding to dance together for the hell of it. Vanille and Fang did the same, leaving me with plenty of time to go looking around on my own.

When I made it to the darkened landing of the second floor, I saw Lumina and Vespair talking together in low voices. They beckoned me over and had me follow them down the hall.

"What were you two doing?" I asked.

"We were waitin' for you!" replied Vespair, waving her hand over her shoulder. "You think we _like_ standin' around in dark hallways chattin' about your possible death? I was about to go get you. Glad you saved me the trouble. Looked like you were havin' a fine time with your friends."

"Thanks for being so considerate…" I saw Lumina holding back a smile. Then the thought occurred to me: "Were _you _the one who left those cocktails out? Now that I think about it, that whole situation just had your name written all over it." Lumina snorted back her laughter, nodding. "Figures. I should have known."

"_Anyway_!" said Lumina. "We've been looking all over for Jihl… I think we know where she is."

I had an overhead view of the ballroom floor. From my shadowed perspective, I saw Fang and Vanille laughing as they danced together. The song playing was a waltz, but I didn't recognize their dance at all. It looked less intimate than a waltz—more of an upbeat, friendly dance, most likely from Oerba. I smiled as I watched, keeping them in my view for as long as I could. Their friendship was truly unbreakable.

We turned a corner and entered one of the rooms. Lumina's gasp of surprise was my first warning that something wasn't right. The smell of blood in the bedroom unsettled me. Vespair cursed and ran back out of the room. Blood spattered over the walls. A bloody knife was in a corner of the room. The color drained from my face when I saw who was on the floor. Every single terrible end to this mission played out in my head. Jihl lay there, face up, steadily choking on her own blood. She feebly reached out over the floor, searching for something. Her empty eye sockets bled clear through to the floor.

"Jihl!" I yelled, going to her side. "Jihl, what happened to you?! Who did this?" She kept reaching with her hand, looking with no eyes. I saw a video recorder not too far away. I grabbed it and put it in her hand. "Is this what you're looking for…?"

Jihl nodded, coughing up blood. I turned around as she pressed the play button. Lumina was already off to find Snow's security guards. We listened to the recording. I recognized Rosch's voice: _"Jihl, Jihl…did you think you had me fooled? Did you truly believe I was an oblivious little boy in the face of your spying games? I must commend you for your efforts, but you've come up short yet again. You didn't anticipate this, did you? The meticulousness with which you work leaves you vulnerable to predictability. And so here I offer you my unpredictability: yes, I plan to kill the Savior tonight. No, I do not care for the sick affair she shares with that barbaric heathen from the underworld. Their foolhardy love is all that stands between war and peace in our new world! How could you let them carry on this way after the hundreds of civilians we lost during Luxerion's assault on Bodhum? After the thousands of soldiers we have had to bury from our worthless attempts at breaching Luxerion's crystal barrier? After the precious technology we have had stolen from us during the cyber warfare? I once believed you to be a woman of utilitarianism. If you have abandoned your ways, it is for selfish motivations. You wish to see me put down for my willingness to value the lives of millions over a single, profane relationship between two women? The jurors and judge alike will laugh you out of court once they hear my testimony. Accept this defeat, Jihl! If you do not, I will personally see to it that your days of spying on me are over."_

The security guards rushed into the room soon after. A few of them hurried to carry Jihl out of the room. Others looked around, surveying the scene of the crime. I stayed knelt over the floor, staring in shock at the place where Jihl had just been. This had all happened so fast. One minute I had no idea where Jihl was. The next I found her lying in a pool of her own blood after her eyes had been carved out of her head. This entire mission relied on Jihl getting Rosch's confession, and her stopping him from firing at me in the open crowd. If I stayed gone for too long, he would know that I knew.

He might've decided to hurt Fang instead. I had to get her and the others out of the building.

"Savior!" said one of the guards, stopping me from leaving. "We've lost Lieutenant-Colonel Rosch! All we know is that he is somewhere in the palace. We'll be able to find him easily if we trigger the silent alarm…"

"…then my only way out of here is through the front doors," I finished for him. "That's all the way downstairs past the foyer."

He nodded gravely, asking, "Do you want us to cover you on the way out?"

"No," I answered. "That'll be a dead giveaway. I can take care of myself. Send a team to get Fang, Serah and the rest of our friends outside. Once we're out there, do whatever you need to do to detain him. This mission's already compromised. Do you need to follow-up with Snow, or will you follow my lead?"

"I'm calling in another team now," he promised. "We won't fail you."

I hurried back downstairs. On the way there, I used Etro's blessing to put up another temporary shield of light. With how bright the chandelier was, I'd be able to blend in with everyone else in the ballroom. As soon as I made it to the crowd of people there, I slowed down to a normal pace. The front doors were just down one more flight of stairs. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw movement coming from the second floor, all the way on the other end of the ballroom. Rosch was there, shadowed by the dark in otherwise plain sight, setting up his sniper rifle. I took a deep breath. I trusted in the power of my barrier. It would keep me safe. He could fire at me and everyone would see him from that angle. He'd be tried in Yusnaan's court for attempting to assassinate the Savior and for _blinding_ his fellow leader of our crystal-state. He couldn't talk his way out of Yusnaan's court—not with all the evidence against him.

Not too far away, I saw Hope and Sazh talking to each other. A few of Snow's security guards ushered them downstairs. Those two were safe. They'd be fine. I had to keep an eye out to make sure the others got downstairs—

Vanille bumped into me. "Lightning!" she exclaimed. She was only a little shorter than me. I should have been able to see her. I was way too distracted. Luckily, she couldn't see the blood on my tux. "There you are! Fang and I were so worried—we've been searching all over for you! Where did you run off to?"

"I was—in the bathroom," I lied, trying to keep walking. Vanille hummed in thought, obviously not believing me. "Look, Vanille, you need to find Fang and my sister. Tell them to get outside."

"What for?" she asked. "We'll miss the rest of the party if we leave now!" I kept on going, thinking she would get the hint and just do as I said. Vanille struggled to keep up with me. "Hey! Slow down!" I groaned and stopped. She had no idea that I was a literal target right now. "I need to speak to you about something first… I'm really grateful for what you did. Talking to Serah about the way she was acting, I mean." This was seriously the absolute _wrong time _to have this conversation. I grit my teeth and did my best to listen. Rosch had his eyes on me, still preparing his rifle. "She apologized the other day and explained the situation to me. It's still a little complicated…but I have faith that she's a better person than she was before. Serah truly looks up to you. I can't thank you enough."

I finally saw Fang and my sister somewhere nearby. They both looked around the ballroom with worried expressions. "I'm glad I could help, Vanille," I said, "But you _really _need to get outside. It's important…"

"Okay!" she replied, hugging me tightly. "Just one last thing, Lightning… I have this feeling that something will happen soon. Promise me you'll always be safe. Please?" Rosch stared at me, nearly ready to aim. "You may not realize it, but you've become a beacon of light for me. This actually isn't for Fang's sake. I only want you to promise me this for my own peace of mind."

When I looked down at Vanille in my arms, I lost track of Serah and Fang in the crowd. She held me tighter, oddly protective of me. The gesture warmed my heart, even as Rosch aimed his sniper rifle right at me. "I promise, Vanille," I said to her. "You can call me Light, by the way. I should have given you permission a long time ago." She beamed at me and let go. "You don't have to worry. Now go get the others. There's something I need to tell you all once we're outside. I can't say it here."

Vanille skipped off to search for everyone else. The closer I got to the last staircase, the thinner the crowd became. I had more space to move around. Less chances of someone getting injured. From this angle, I couldn't keep my periphery on Rosch anymore. The last I saw was him keeping me in view of his scope. I'd nearly made it to a wall to block his view. He had to shoot now or he'd lose his chance. I braced myself, focusing all of my energy into my barrier. Every good memory I had of Fang helped to build the strength of light surrounding me. I had to survive this.

Time dilated right before Rosch fired. Rushed footsteps sounded over the floor, headed in my direction. In place of the rifle going off, I heard a single call of my name:

"_Light!"_

Fang jumped in front of me, taking the bullet straight through her chest. The impact shook her body. She fell back against me. Her negative image of chaos swirled in front of her heart, holding her life in place. I slumped to the marble at my feet. White of my tuxedo bled of her, and my white-hot tears, bleeding wide over Jihl's traces on me. The people around us screamed; no sound came out of their mouths. They ran; no sound came from their footsteps. Fang's head hung over my arm, her skin and open eyes barely holding onto the light glittering down from the chandelier. Punctured black of her smooth sari; silk soaking blood. I couldn't—feel—think—hear—so incongruous. Her strength still brimmed through her body. I couldn't know this by looking at _her, _but at the world around us. The palace hadn't flooded. The world hadn't burst into flames. The world hadn't ended. The world didn't reflect the dead-silent bile festering in my heart. Festering in the disease of my failure. Failure to tell her what this night was, what this mission was; that it had been compromised, that I'd had a plan; that she hadn't needed to sacrifice herself. I should have _spoken to her. _I should have told her. I should have realized that this could have happened. I shouldn't have lied to her.

If my love was truly dead, all around us would have—should have—turned to nothingness. It didn't. _Apparently lifeless_. She breathed still—breathed of chaos, of dark mist instead of air. Vespair worked to keep her alive. That realization, I slowly clung to, and the world came flooding back to my senses:

Serah and Vanille hurrying with me through the frenzied streets of Yusnaan, on our way to the train station. They'd somehow gotten me to my feet and made me go with them. I carried Fang in my arms, only able to keep going forward from the faint hopes I had. Fainter memories I had of Vanille knowing what this was: this chaos-induced coma and how to fix it. My perceptions cut out again once we were on the train. Mog's magic glamour over our bodies kept anyone from seeing us as we were. No one saw the vortex of chaos over Fang's wound. No one paid attention to my world crumbling underneath me. The one around me didn't end. Mine, inside of me, was determined to show me hell through my eyes. Guilt broiled within me all over again as I cried over Fang next to a window. I was completely open to her. Suddenly filled with fear over these prospects I couldn't control. Tearing at the weakened walls of my mind to let me out of this nightmare and bring Fang back.

Again, somewhere, somehow, I heard Vanille promise me: Fang would be all right. She would be. Luxerion was our only hope. Vanille should have been furious with me over my failures. She wasn't. Or I was so far-removed in my sorrow that I couldn't comprehend anything else. I drowned in my grief for the whole train ride. When I finally woke up to the world around me again, I saw Vanille and my sister walking next to me. We were along the wide avenues of Luxerion, the Divine City of Light. Secutors and suits of Magitek armor we passed by didn't even notice us. Far in the distance, through my blurred eyes, through the tall monuments and military bases, I saw the Order of Salvation's cathedral. Larger than I remembered, wider—far more expansive and decorated than ever before.

The one within had the power to solve all our problems—and create more in the process. Far more. I was prepared to take that risk; to make that sacrifice if it would bring Fang back to me.


	19. Anathema

"_The Vault" from Final Fantasy XIV: Heavensward_

_**XIX. **__Anathema_

Weights over my heart made Fang feel weightless in my arms. She still breathed. I tried to focus on that instead of my helplessness that fought so hard light-headed. Serah trailed behind me, with Vanille at the fore, turning back every so often to make sure I kept up with her. She led us through the open courtyard of Luxerion's Grand Cathedral. The massive building bathed in the dawn's light. I stared up at the northern façade in front of us. Hourglass-shape arcades and clock towers outlined the front. _Time._ I kept thinking of time. The watch Serah gave me came to mind. Each of the towers had their longer hands right at the thirteenth hour. They fooled me into thinking that we'd run out of time, but we hadn't. I couldn't let myself think that in case it consumed me.

I stared down at Fang, at the early morning light washing over her skin. Her sari shined black of silk and of blood, and Vespair's chaos pouring through her, keeping her alive. She'd survived for this long. Her signs were stable. As long as I pretended she was only asleep—ignoring the chaos-bandaged wound over her chest—I could focus on moving forward.

"Just a heads-up," whispered Serah as we neared the entrance. "Mog told me that his magic works a little differently this close to Luxerion's crystal in the Cathedral. It seems like people will see us as whoever they expect us to be."

Vanille stopped. "What do you mean?" she asked.

"I'm not sure… I guess we'll find out soon."

The pair of Secutors standing guard at the entrance saluted us. They looked at Fang and staggered.

"What happened?!" exclaimed the first. "Has there been an attack? How did one of your unit get injured? It looked like he was only asleep from a distance!"

They expected us to be fellow Secutors—that must've been how we appeared to them. Vanille caught on right away. "It's nothing too serious," she said. "We got carried away during a few exercises. Could you let us in so we can get some rest?"

"Of course, of course," said the second, opening the double doors. "Just in case, go see Priestess Yeul and pray to her. The Knight-Commander's moved her to another room in the Inner Sanctum. You know the rules—one three-hour session at a time. We don't want Ser Kreiss to revoke our privileges again."

They let us pass through and closed the doors behind us. The loud echo of the doors overwhelmed me as much as our surroundings did. Serah and Vanille walked along the chess-patterned ambulatory of the nave. Dozens upon dozens of rows of empty seats made up the congregation area. I breathed in the smell of chilled stone and fresh book pages. Decorated stone walls rose high above, leading my eyes up to the lancet windows glowing as sun-gold behind the quire. That same glow washed through the whole building, warming me in an unexpected way. Long flags bearing Luxerion's coat of arms hung along the outer walls of the ambulatory. More hourglass-shaped arcades ran along the hallways upstairs.

Vanille pointed up to the arching stairwells beyond the quire. "The Inner Sanctum should be through there," she said. "Let's try to keep quiet. I don't want to run into Noel on the way there…"

"Is this really a good idea?" asked Serah. I followed after them, listening. "You said Yeul would be able to help Fang… How can she help if she's sick from a chaos infection and won't wake up?"

"There are certain sacrifices that must be made…"

Serah frowned. "Like what…?"

Vanille turned to look at me. "The brightest lights cast the darkest shadows," she riddled. "Light, I meant it when I said you're a beacon of light. Peace and harmony are what sustain you. When you shine, Fang benefits from the shadows you cast. I think you know by now about her—that it's the chaos that sustains her. But this…it's too much. We have to get rid of the excess chaos in her system like last time."

"And how are we supposed to do that?" Serah asked for me. My throat and stomach were still in knots. "Didn't you go all the way to Elysium last time? This place is the exact opposite of the underworld."

"That's why we're going to see Yeul," answered Vanille. "When we find her, all we have to do is pray."

Upstairs we went, past the quire, through the chantry, and up another floor to the Inner Sanctum. I saw my sister glancing at me too often over her shoulder. I kept my expression stern; unreadable. On the inside, I bottled up my screams and swallowed them down. Those unspoken sounds engulfed my emotions and blocked them off from me. The noise moved further still, awash within me, moving up to my head—pulsing and pounding there, like a storming sea in my ears with nowhere to go. The pressure mounted all the more once we made it to the Inner Sanctum; when I saw the streams of water outlining the stone passageways, and the fresh water fountains along the walls. Water surrounded my every move and thought. If I let my emotions come out, I knew they would drown me. I looked instead to the openings through the stone walls, carved as stark shapes to let more light in from the courtyard outside.

Blood red beamed in through the makeshift windows, burning over the low-labyrinth hedges and poplar trees. The same crimson heated the black of Fang's hair. Reminders of seeing this red before—memories of happier days: they upset the storm in my head, making it rage down to my stomach, acidic. I swallowed it down and kept moving. I barely heard Vanille say we were almost to Yeul's room. Almost there. We hadn't run into Noel yet. He wouldn't recognize us. Fang would be fine. I repeated all of that to myself over and over again. Thinking and hearing words, words, words instead of infinite images and translucent lights of Fang's influence over me—she should've been chaos. To me, she was the light of my life, far brighter than even this cathedral.

We arrived to Yeul's small prayer room. Lit candelabras outlined the room. Long tables held up endless amounts of religious offerings and written prayers. Yeul sat in the center of the room, asleep in her chair, looking far worse than the last photograph I'd seen of her. Her long hair had grown overlong and her face was gaunt, making her seem older than she her lap, she had a closed book: _Anathema, _the Holy Manuscript of the Order of Salvation. I'd heard that it was an entire text dedicated to Bhunivelze's life, as well as the part I played in killing him. _The Savior as the abomination_.

"Light," whispered Vanille. "Set her down here in front of Yeul first." I did as she said, slow to move; mindful of the storm still raging on in my head. Vanille knelt down just behind Fang, interlacing her fingers in prayer. "The time I spent as the Saint here will help us. Serah, come here. Remember the prayer I taught you on the train."

I watched my sister mimic Vanille. I finally found my voice and asked, "What about me?"

Vanille closed her eyes, lowering her head. "The book in Yeul's lap," she spoke. "Skim through it. See what it says. This will take a few hours… Perhaps you shouldn't stay."

"Why wouldn't I be here for this…?"

"The energy I'm sensing from Fang—it's similar to when we found her in Elysium. She doesn't want you in the room for some reason. I can't imagine why. When she wakes up, I'm sure she'll tell you. You should leave for now. I'm sorry…"

I took the _Anathema _from Yeul's lap and left without a word. If I thought about the possible reasons as to why Fang didn't want me there, I'd only make things worse. My light-headedness had already gotten too bad. Black spots darkened my sight as I walked outside to the brisk morning breeze of the courtyard. I made my way to a bench along the pathway, between the hedges. I sat and stared at the book in my hands. I realized, then, that even if I had stayed, I wouldn't have had any prayers. I wasn't religious. Any gods I could have believed in were dead—Bhunivelze and Etro both. Way before I became the Savior, and a l'Cie, I didn't believe in God. After everything I'd been through, whenever someone mentioned religion, I would only think: _'What has God ever done for me?' _Seeing Bhunivelze with my own eyes and killing Him with my own hands didn't do anything to get rid of that perspective of mine. I had faith that Vanille would help bring Fang back, but not on any religious basis. If she knew a way to make Yeul wake up and help us, then it would work. But the people who visited this place and worshipped it as holy ground—they would have called me a heretic for relying on logic instead of giving into the whims of God's dead spirit.

No matter how close I was to breaking, I held fast to my logic. Fang would live because Vanille was capable. Trust was as close as I could get to blind faith.

This book preached about Bhunivelze's essence continuing to spread through the world by the gospels of the Order's sermons. I opened it to a random page. Here was the _Venus Gospel_: a tale about a bishop who hoped that the Survivors of Gran Pulse—Fang and Vanille—would have a safe voyage back to their homeland, so that the Order might finally have some peace of mind with them gone. Their real names were never once mentioned, but there was no one else who fit the description. _Venus Gospel _was also the name of one of Fang's spears. I doubted whoever wrote this knew about that. The coincidence was interesting enough, anyway. This was supposed to be good news from the future—a fictional account of how God and Luxerion would react whenever this happened down the line. I read the passage, oddly drawn to the story.

_**1**__ When Bhunivelze had finished morphing Chrysalis, He separated the Land of the Free from the Land of the Hunt. __**2**__ There two Survivors were thrown to our Land, causing strife and misremembrance of His Light. __**3**__ They looked on from afar across the Ashensand, wishing to flee this earth soaked in the blood of the fore-walkers. __**4**__ Embittered and embroiled was the fair Knight-Commander over losing his light of Paddra Nsu-Yeul, that he might cast away the Venus Raven and her True as our former Gospel. __**5 **__The Savior was a woman of authority, ensorcelled and driven by Her desire. She told her love, Venus, 'Let us go,' and they went; and to Gospel, the second, 'Come with us,' and she joined. __**6**__ I observed the Savior create their vessel with Her own hands—how she labored at the Lake's shore. __**7**__ Atop the heavens, Bhunivelze breathed a sigh for Luxerion; the winds blew their ship across the crystal sea. __**8**__ God shared unto me His relief: 'If they stay, they shall sow the blood of their hearts, how they labored in silent chaos. The silent must speak. They must yell. Let them not yell over your light.' __**9**__ The Land of the Hunt welcomed the return of their brood. There Gospel, Venus and her Savior exalted their jubilation, far away from Luxerion's ways, and were better for it. __**10**__ The Knight-Commander and his Priestess lived in health at long last, away from the Pact that was Venus and her Knight of Chaos._

The Order of Salvation constantly referred to me as a Knight of Chaos. One of darkness. A woman of malice—an abomination who murdered their God. And yet Vanille had just said that I represented light. Vespair had more or less said the same a few times. I knew I shouldn't have cared much about what this book said I was. I still couldn't help wondering—which one was I supposed to be, and why?

Heavy, plated footsteps sounded along the pathway behind me. "Ah, the _Venus Gospel,_" said Noel, smiling by his tone. I froze in place. "It's quite a hopeful story, isn't it? With a title like that, it certainly has to be about good tidings. God knows we could all use plenty of that these days." I stared down at his shadow clipping the ground in front of me. I watched it get closer to me as Noel walked forward in his armor. "You know, it's not every day I find my soldiers skipping their duties to read the _Anathema. _If you tell me why you're out here alone, I might let you off the hook."

He expected me to be just another Secutor. That was how I appeared to him—like the guards downstairs. I tried to stay calm and remember that. I had to keep him distracted, too. If he went to Yeul's room and found the others, I didn't want to imagine what would happen.

"One of my unit was injured during training," I replied. "I thought if I read this, she'd recover faster."

Noel stood at my side, blocking the sunlight. "Oh, so she was with you," he remarked. "I heard about that. Did you pay Yeul a visit and pray to her? The company might do her some good…"

"Yes, Ser Kreiss," I answered. "The others are still with the Priestess. I don't want to disturb them."

"Are you worried about her? I heard the injuries might have been serious."

I started to see how surreal this was, talking to Noel about this… "I am, Knight-Commander."

Noel sighed and sat down next to me. "At ease, soldier," he said. "I can see you're upset—you won't even look at me. I think you know that I sympathize with you. Every time I walk these halls, people look at me as if they pity me. As if they could understand."

We stayed in silence for a few minutes. I glanced at the shield over his caped back. It didn't have Luxerion's coat of arms over it. Instead, I saw two beams of light crossing over each other. If Fang and I meant to represent a Pact of Chaos in this world, then Noel and Yeul must have been a Pact of Light. It was no wonder Yeul couldn't handle the chaos that had overtaken her, whereas Fang was happier when she had just enough chaos in her system. I worked well with a balance of the two. Noel…I felt that he was the same as me. I should have killed him then and ended this war. With Fang in this state, he was right—he _could _sympathize with me, far more than he knew. If he was in my position right now, I wouldn't want him to kill me. I wouldn't want him to take me away from my love. Logic had sustained me before; it arrested me now, locking up my joints, keeping me from doing what I should have.

Mercy ruled me instead. I knew I'd regret this later. But now—right now—I saw Noel as the one mirror that I couldn't shatter.

"Yeul has been like this for months," he went on. "There's nothing anyone can do. I haven't ordered any of the units beyond Nova Chrysalia because of it. Our intelligence on Bodhum's crystal barrier hasn't gone anywhere. At this point, I'm beginning to believe what the priests are telling me."

"What have they been telling you?" I asked.

Noel eased the book from me. He turned it over in his gloved hands, eyes downcast. "That even if we siphoned the chaos from Yeul into Fang, she wouldn't survive the process," he responded. "That it wasn't Fang's fault…none of this was. _The brightest lights cast the darkest shadows. _The light in my soul grew brightest when we first came to Luxerion together. I dreamed of a happy future for us. I enlisted in the Secutors and swore to protect her from anything. But Yeul—she saw the future. She knew that Lightning and Fang would have their happy ending instead of us. The more I fought against it, the further she sunk into the shadow I'd cast over her. Our entire Order thrives on seeing the Savior and her Pulsian Queen as anathemas…and yet now you know the truth."

What Vanille had said about certain sacrifices needing to be made—this was what she'd meant. Yeul wouldn't survive this. Getting the excess chaos out of Fang's system and giving it to Yeul would have the same effect. Yeul would die and Fang would live. Noel would find out and he would want revenge all over again. Unless we managed to get away without him finding us… I knew he'd find out eventually. As long as it wasn't this day, or tomorrow, or the next day.

Noel closed the _Anathema _and nestled it in his hold. "I'll return this to Yeul later," he muttered. "You should go to your comrade. Be by her side. I won't interrupt your prayers." I stood and walked a few steps away, feeling his eyes over my back. I stopped instinctively. He had something else to say. I had to consider one last time if I should kill him or not. I couldn't; I listened instead, staring ahead at the red of the courtyard bleeding in the dawn's light. "Promise me you won't tell your fellow soldiers about our conversation. I plan on holding a sermon to tell everyone the truth in due time. I can't do that until I accept Yeul's fate…"

"I understand, Ser Kreiss," I said to him.

"Won't you tell me something about you? A secret. Just in case you spill mine, I'll have a little blackmail on you. It's all fun and games, of course. I know you'll keep your promise."

I turned to him one last time, saying, "My real name is Claire." Noel smiled in approval. He didn't know. Or he didn't remember. Maybe he'd never heard Serah say my name. When I left, he didn't follow after me. He really had no idea. That made my sympathy for him sting all the more.

When I made it back to the prayer room, the candles had mostly melted down, still burning. Yeul was gone. Her body had been replaced by wisps of chaos, like incense smoke. Vanille still knelt in front of Fang, head down in prayer. Serah stood by the entrance, staring at me as I walked inside. She had a scowl on her face, looking too much like me. Just as I was about to ask what was wrong, she answered my question.

"I saw you talking to Noel," she said quietly. "He didn't know it was you."

"No, he didn't…"

Serah glared at him across the way. He sat on that same bench, reading. "He looks so peaceful," she pointed out. "Is that why Luxerion hasn't attacked Bodhum again? Or why they haven't tried?"

"They can't breach our barrier," I explained. "This war will be a stalemate until one of us figures out how to get past that. I wouldn't worry about it." I closed the door behind me. That weight found my heart when I looked at Fang again. "How is she? Where's Yeul?"

"Fang should wake up soon," she replied. "We're waiting on Vespair to let go of her—"

Just then, a burst of chaos came forth, and Vespair shot out from Fang's body. She landed closer to Serah and me, bent over and clutching a purple stone. "Oh, fuck me!" she complained. "Why the hell didn't anyone say we were doin' this? I would've got out sooner if I knew this was a fucking divine intervention to get her to wake up. Where are we?"

"Vespair!" hissed Vanille. "Keep your voice down! We don't want anyone to hear us and come in! You shouldn't swear in here, either."

"Well where the hell is _here_?" asked Vespair.

"Luxerion's Grand Cathedral," I said. Vespair snorted in laughter. "What is it?"

Vespair tossed her stone in the air and caught it again. "Brilliant testin' grounds," she answered, smirking. "I get to see what's come out of all my hard work!" She summoned Bane from the stone. He padded around in her lap for a bit, taking in his surroundings. Bane wagged his tail when he saw Vespair, curling up on her. Vespair held him in her arms, staring in horror. "Why are you still a baby? How…?"

"Your hard work?" I echoed. "Did you _plan _on Fang being Rosch's target?"

"No…that just happened—you know that… Somethin' like that's way too risky to plan. But this, Bane, he's—he's supposed to be a big boy now. He's like your watch: my way of tellin' where Fang's at on the chaos meter, you know? After all the shit I've done, he ain't grown not an inch…"

"I don't get what this _chaos meter _really is."

Vespair let Bane paw at the furs of her belt. She smiled wistfully. "I don't either," she admitted. "I thought I did before. I was sure it was how I could tell if Fang was good or not. But then she started gettin' get fragments of memories back and that threw everything off. Those fragments are made of light. _You're _light, too. Thought I just had to overpower that with a bunch of chaos for her to be all right. Her clock ain't goin' nowhere despite what I did for her. Maybe I had it all wrong…"

Vanille finally stood up. "Yeul is gone," she announced. "She took away Fang's excess chaos and left this world. If something happens again, Fang won't be able to recover." She beckoned me over. "Will you carry her again? We have to move." I picked Fang up, slowly feeling my hopes come back to me. I had a feeling I knew why Fang hadn't wanted me here before. I prepared myself to face that reality once she woke up. "She should wake up along the way. This room leads to the underground tunnel system beneath the city. Let's go!"

"Where exactly are we going from there?" asked Serah. I turned around; Vespair was gone, along with Bane. I should've asked her more about what she'd mentioned. Then again, I couldn't follow her half the time. I doubted hearing her explanations would have cleared anything up. "If everyone thinks we're Secutors, can't we go out the way we came in?"

"No, we can't," said Vanille. "We have to find Luxerion's crystal. It's separate from Nova Chrysalia's. Once we deactivate it, we can leave safely. Our I.D. cards were all that got us through before. They won't work a second time. I remember the passageways from when Fang and I lived here before. The crystal has to be down there beneath the building. There's no other place for it."

"I'm glad you know your way around here… We would've been completely lost without you."

The underground tunnels looked and felt just like the Grand Cathedral itself. It was a long walk along winding, downward slopes of hallways. Once we were halfway there, Vanille suggested we stop and wait for Fang to wake up. Not long after, Fang stirred in my arms. I felt strangely steeled for this. Because I knew she might've been angry with me. Because I knew that, any other time, I would have shut my emotions off completely, keeping myself from being affected too much. My heart could have easily run away from her to avoid this pain. Instead, I remembered the image of Noel's solemn honor burning in the light of the dawn. He set an example for me as a true knight of devotion, no matter what the future had in store.

If I wanted to be worthy of the future his Yeul had seen, then I had to keep that of him—my only mark of mercy and understanding.

I knelt down and lay Fang along a level stretch of ground. She bolted up and took in her surroundings. Vanille and Serah had put some distance between us, looking on from afar. When Fang saw me, her eyes grew wide in anger.

"Lightning!" she shouted. "_You knew_! You fucking knew! Vespair showed me everything that you kept from me! That whole thing at Snow's palace was a mission of yours?! You were supposed to let that fuck aim at you, all so Jihl could catch him in the act? Let some fucking _court _decide if he's guilty or not? Have you lost your motherfucking mind?!"

Fang's rage didn't stop. I'd thought that, for a second, she might've been glad to see me again. I'd thought for another second that she would let me hold her before going off on me. Those storming seas built in my head again, washing away my balance; whiting out my vision before blackening it again. White noise rushed through my ears, cutting out Fang's words like static; only letting the most scathing words through, testing my foundations. She figured out I didn't want to worry her; in the same breath, she accused me of thinking she was some _barbarian _who would've killed Rosch without a second thought, compromising my mission before it had even started. I took her emotions in, breathing in her life after I'd nearly lost her. I fought to stay still even as her shouting shook me to the core. She only needed to let it out. She loved me. She hated that I'd lied and kept things from her. I hated myself for the same reasons: that my mistakes had all led to this.

After a while, she calmed down. Fang hesitated before asking, "Did you hear a word I said…?"

"…I did," I told her.

"You ain't moved an inch," she noticed. "No flinchin' or nothin'. You…seem a little different." I couldn't think of anything to say to that. The noise in my head turned to vertigo. The vertigo rushed down, churning my stomach. I swallowed it back down again, refusing to cough or cry out. I couldn't keep doing this. "Light…"

"I'm—really happy you're all right," I whispered, eyes wide shut. I steadied my breathing. "I was devastated…thought I'd lost you."

Fang wrapped her arms around my neck. She'd fully retracted her claws. I couldn't budge. If I moved, I would throw my balance completely off and let my weakness win. She sensed this battle within me. She didn't ask me about it. One second at a time, I felt the growing bile pass. The pits of my mistakes and misjudgments passed with them. She replaced the storm with the serenity of her forgiveness. Feeling the heat in her skin and smelling the traces of my dried tears over her hair brought me back more, and a little more. I'd never been on this tight-rope before. I couldn't go from zero to sixty and back again like she could. I didn't know how to come back down from it without falling—crashing—

"I wanted to stay mad at you for a while," she murmured. "I didn't want you in the room. But feelin' you like this now, I can't justify that no more. Why do you keep justifyin' this distance from me?"

"I just—need some time," I explained. "I'll be all right. As long as you're here, I'm not going anywhere."

Some part of me had chipped away during this ordeal. It had to, for me to keep myself stable for her. This limbo of imbalance and storming didn't leave me completely. Fang held me tighter. Steadily, once more, I felt her presence wash away the temporary shields I'd built in her absence. Here at this zenith of my uncertainty, I saw my old habits of maintaining those shields indefinitely. She'd experienced them firsthand for too long, all the while dealing with her feelings for me that I'd refused to return. She didn't want a repeat of that. I didn't, either. I did all I could to focus on her, on what we had; breaking those last bones from my old instincts of self-preservation. I wasn't alone anymore. I didn't only have to rely on myself to get by. Monumentally, steadily, I remembered that, and smiled in her hold, against the darkness that we'd left behind, of Noel eventually realizing what we'd done.


	20. Vermillion Bird of the South

**Note: **This isn't the ending I'd planned on, but I don't have the same drive to finish the story. So even though it's marked as complete, it just means I've left this behind. I have too many personal issues getting in the way of finishing the story properly. Sorry.

.

"_The Dravanian Forelands (night version)" from Final Fantasy XIV: Heavensward_

_**XX. **__Vermillion Bird of the South_

_We need time to reconnect…_

As we made our way to Luxerion's crystal in the underground tunnel, I felt Fang retreat into herself. She didn't want to hold my hand. She barely looked at me. I had a feeling she thought I'd pull away eventually, and she wanted to prepare herself for it. She paid more attention to Vanille instead. I knew I had to wait until we got out of here before we could have any real time to ourselves. I really didn't _want _to wait. I knew something awaited us at the end of this tunnel, somehow. Rationalizing things didn't lessen the sting of her receding anger—it was a bad habit of mine. I had to stop doing that.

In the midst of everything, I'd forgotten that I still had on my blood-stained tuxedo. I changed my garb into the black outfit that Fang had bought me for my birthday. I noticed her staring at me as we neared the small room where the crystal was. Vanille and Serah skipped ahead to the flaming-red device, crouching down to decipher the old Cocoon script engraved into the base. I stood behind Fang, holding her from behind. She tensed out of surprise, not unwillingness.

"Fang," I said in her ear, hoping she might respond. She didn't. I tried again, differently: "I'm sorry. I'm not going anywhere… I only want to make things right." This time, she shifted into me, otherwise keeping her reactions to herself. I held her closer. I wanted more from her in these few minutes we had to breathe. I whispered, deeper, "Baby, don't pull away from me," and kissed her arching neck, tasting the shuddering breaths through her heated skin. She let me pull her into me all the way, falling a little more, a little at a time. "I missed you. I don't want you to think that I'm too cold to be this affectionate with you… You deserve every bit of love I have to give. I love you so much."

Fang let out a low moan, quiet enough for only me to hear. "It's rare that you get like this," she pointed out. She leaned her head back, writhing in my hold. "I can't even tell you to stop. We don't know what's gonna happen after we leave this place…"

"That's exactly why I can't go on without doing this for you."

She pressed her hands against mine, over the smooth skin of her midriff, and asked, "You really wanna make things better?"

"I'll do whatever it takes," I promised, holding her tighter. "I'd do anything for you." Fang sighed, watching Vanille deactivate the crystal. "Think on it. Whatever you decide, I'll make it happen. You can have something to look forward to while we escape the city."

Fang chuckled. "All right, it's a date," she said. "For now, let's put your linguistics skills to the test. Those carvings beneath the crystal—what's it say there?"

"_To all of my children in whom Life flows abundant. To all of my children to whom Death hath passed his judgement… Look to those who walked before to lead those who walk after. _The rest is unclear._"_

"Weird," said Fang, guiding me closer to the crystal. "That sounds just like…"

Vanille turned to smile at us. "Seems you two've made up," she noted. "Serah told me that part of our prayer is engraved here. Strange, isn't it? This is written in Cocoon's old script… Yet I could have sworn our prayer was from long before Cocoon existed. Perhaps they borrowed it from us?"

"Wouldn't be the first thing they _stole_," replied Fang, sour. "Light, Serah, you're the experts here. Got any fancy explanations as to why Gran Pulse's Pact of Chaos prayer is here?"

"I might know," said Serah. "Legends say that certain Pulse l'Cie brought the prayer here from your planet. It's a story of their grief—they didn't understand why they had to keep fighting hopeless battles just to stay alive. They made up this rhetoric of the fal'Cie speaking to them and soothing their pain."

"They went to Cocoon on purpose?" I asked. "If you say they had to keep fighting pointless battles, it sounds like they went around starting fights."

"That's one of the theories about how the War of Transgression started. A few of my history books mentioned these legendary Pulse l'Cie who were touched by the gods. They fulfilled their Focus with the gods' blessing and became heroes. Instead of turning to crystal, they were granted immortality—_to all of my children to whom Death hath passed his judgment_. But that immortality came at a high price—they risked falling into despair if they didn't keep nurturing their powers of chaos from the gods…"

That sounded exactly like what Vespair had been trying to do all this time—creating a bunch of problems, or chaos, in the hopes that Fang would stay healthy and happy. Right on cue, I noticed her in my periphery. Vespair stood in front of a set of seven clocks lined up along the wall. It seemed like someone—or something—had sapped all of the energy from her. That arrogance of hers was gone.

"They shouldn't have survived," she recited, hollow. "Touched by the gods, their fates were transformed; forced to live forever in contradiction, lest they gave into despair, becomin' shells of human beings…"

Fang went over to her. "Hey, lighten up," she tried. "No one's gonna go mad. This world's filled with enough chaos as it is. So what if everything you did was for nothin'? I feel just fine!"

Vespair touched the centermost clock—the only one on the thirteenth hour. "I know," she answered. "You're all right—for now." She moved her hand to three of the other ones, all clouded by chaos. "All of you were affected by Etro at some point, but not enough to make you like _those_ Pulse l'Cie. Four of you were touched directly by gods. Three by Bhunivelze and one by Etro. Those four clocks never move. The others keep tickin' up to thirteen like normal. Once they hit thirteen, they'll have their eternal peace. I don't get _why_ these won't move—Hope's, Serah's and yours. It's like something's in the way…"

"Wait a minute," I said. "Hope and Serah I understand. He was God's literal puppet; my sister was brought back to life thanks to him. But Fang? When did this happen?"

"When I was in Elysium," replied Fang, "I was fine at first. The chaos hurt, but it wasn't _that _bad. Then once you killed Bhunivelze, it made everything worse for me. More chaos came outta nowhere and seized me. I knew it was him—like he came over and fucked with me right as he died."

"Before you start," added Vespair, "Bhunivelze didn't possess her or nothin' like that. I'd know if he did. I've gotta look at this from another angle and figure out what's goin' on."

"Vespair," called Vanille. "Could you help us disable this crystal? It's nearly done."

While Vespair worked on that, I stared at our clocks. The one in the center on thirteen had to be mine. Fang's and Serah's were closest to mine, both clouded in chaos. Next to Serah's, there was another one at midnight, steadily ticking up to thirteen. I wondered if it was Snow's. He'd gone through a lot out of all of us. Vanille's clock was near Fang's—hers was at around nine o'clock, and the smaller hands seemed to be moving faster than Snow's, but it was still a sluggish pace compared to a normal clock. At both ends, I saw Hope's and Sazh's—one darkened by chaos and the other at seven o'clock, ticking up. The little things that Vespair had stirred in our group, with Vanille gossiping about Fang to Serah, and that love triangle that went on with Vanille, Snow and my sister…had she done those to influence these times? To move them all up to thirteen? It seemed that way. Then I remembered that she hadn't done anything to Hope for some reason. Despite having a happy life on the surface, he was miserable.

_Forced to live in contradiction_.

That line repeated itself in my head. I suddenly had a bad feeling that something would happen to him. It felt even worse because I hadn't shown Hope that I cared. Compared to our days as l'Cie together, I hardly knew him anymore. Maybe I could help him somehow once we got back to Yusnaan.

Lumina appeared by my side. "It's too late," she whispered. "God influenced him the most out of the other two. Bhunivelze's dead—you can't make him release his hold over Hope now. All you can do is watch over him. If you care enough, that is. You two aren't exactly best friends anymore."

"That's why I feel so bad about it," I told her. "I should've been there for him…" I glanced over and saw Fang petting Vanille's head. Serah smiled at them, chatting as normal. "Does he have any idea about this? I wasn't with him when he activated Cocoon's crystal. Were these clocks there for him to see?"

"No, he doesn't know," she answered. "He's overworking himself trying to figure out what's wrong. It wasn't a complete lie when he said that to Fang. He's making things worse by not accepting his fate."

"What fate…?"

Lumina smiled sadly at me. "You'll see when you're back in Yusnaan," she said. "For now, try not to worry about it. I'll visit you again once you've seen him. I'm helping Vespair figure out what's keeping their clocks from moving. Since I'm closest to you, I'll be able to figure out if it's permanent like yours, or if it's something else. Etro and Bhunivelze might both be dead, but there has to be some kind of difference between them and the way they influence you and your friends, even after death."

In a contained burst of flames, the crystal was deactivated. Fang burst out laughing when Vanille and Serah both jumped back and screamed in fright. The three of them kept talking; occasionally, Fang glanced over at me, smiling. Each time she did, I felt fear mounting inside of me. What if her fate was the same as Hope's? If she led a happy life, without all the chaos—would she fall into despair, just like him, forced to live in contradiction? I fought against those thoughts. If I let them win, I'd only inhibit myself around her. Keeping a _balance _between her happiness and chaos didn't sound like a solution, either. Just before Lumina vanished again, she smiled at me, spelling out the answer plain as day:

I had to move bravely forward and love her without holding back, without regrets.

Vespair walked over to me. "Hey, Lightning," she said, monotone. "Look…I'm sorry about causin' so much trouble for you. What with this war and all. I'll admit it—a lot of it was selfish. I got off from all the mess I made 'cause it's in my nature, you know? Now that I know it was all for nothin', I feel like such a bitch. I'm gonna make this right. I swear I will."

"You don't have to apologize," I answered. "You thought it was the right thing to do at the time. At least you can rule that out now and move forward. I believe you when you say you'll fix things. You kept her alive when she would've died otherwise. I'll forever be grateful to you for that."

"Helps a lot to hear you say that," she replied. "I know you'll keep an eye on Fang in the meantime." Vespair hesitated before raising her hand to my face, caressing. "…I adore you. I really do. You've stood by her side when anyone else would have run away from all the unknowns. I'm findin' that I wanna do this for her _and _for you. It's strange…didn't think I was capable of feelin' close to no one but her. Guess that's somethin' else I was wrong about."

Vespair smiled as she disappeared into a vortex of chaos. I stared at the space where she'd just been. I hadn't expected that from her at all. I felt warmed by the gesture, almost as if she were a shadow of how things had been before. When Fang and I were just friends; when I didn't think about my feelings for her; when she had my back in a battle, or did something special to make me smile, I'd had this same feeling. On top of that, the echo of Vespair's words made me feel like she'd already followed up on her promise. Fang came over and held my hand, leading us all out to the exit nearby. She was in a very good mood, beaming as she continued talking with Serah and Vanille. I wanted to keep her spirits up like this. I wondered if there was anything else I could do for her—anything to make her far happier than she already was. Looking for an answer wouldn't do me any good. I knew it would come to me on its own.

.

When we made it back to Luxerion's surface, the others stopped abruptly. High above in the sky, a phoenix-like bird—_Suzaku_—died in a burst of vermillion flames, steadily dissipating the crystal barrier. Ash and soot darkened our view of the city around us. Through the gloom, I heard the familiar sounds of armored footsteps approaching. The person stopped a few paces in front of us. Noel scowled at me through the ashes. His cape blew in the darkened winds; he stood completely still, bloodshot eyes fixated on my wide ones. It looked like he'd been crying for hours.

"_Claire_," he hissed at me. So he finally remembered my name. "I should've known… I should've _known _it was you! How did you fool me into thinking you were one of us? None of my men are missing. All of their uniforms are accounted for." His grief scathed his shouting: "How did you do all of this? _HOW?!_"

Before I could say anything, Serah stepped in front of me. "Noel, don't do this!" she pleaded, drawing her bow and arrow. Noel gaped at her. "Please, don't hurt my sister! You and I used to be best friends… This isn't like you! You said so yourself—it was only a matter of time before Yeul died. You knew this would happen… None of this should be a surprise to you. Hurting other people won't bring her back!"

Noel lowered his head. "No one's getting hurt," he mumbled. "But only if you cooperate." He pointed to the tall buildings around us. Through the ash, I saw dozens of Secutors lined along the rooftops, aiming their rifles right at us. "Make one wrong move and this ends on my order. Do as I say and I'll let you leave peacefully." I turned to look at Fang. She didn't seem worried at all. She bore her eyes into Noel's, holding onto his promise without fear. "A wise decision. First things first: Vanille, Serah, I want both of you gone. My men will escort you back to the train station. You'll board and return to Yusnaan. Lightning and Fang will follow once I allow it. That's final." Vanille and my sister tried to say something to us. Noel grunted, and yelled, "No tearful goodbyes! Leave, now! Don't take advantage of my kindness!"

A group of Secutors took them away in the direction of the train station. I watched them go, worried that Noel wouldn't keep his word. He had every reason to deceive us. Somehow, Fang's calmness kept those thoughts mostly at bay. She gripped my hand tighter, keeping my attention on her. Fang knew that I was anxious, and so she set an example for me to follow. In light of that, I felt it was best to follow her lead. I trusted her judgment.

Strangely on the same page as me, Noel asked her, "How are you so calm?"

Fang leaned on me. "You're a broken man," she pointed out. "If you killed us, it wouldn't bring Yeul back, just like Serah said. So, even if you _did _send us to hell, I'd get to laugh from those fires, knowin' that we'd always have this power over you. We're the reason behind your sadness. That's gotta sting."

"And you're an arrogant fool," he bit back. Fang laughed. "You nearly died, didn't you? I see the dried blood over your clothes. That's why you needed Yeul: someone to give all of that extra chaos to. You should still remember that pain. How can you laugh in the face of feeling it again? There's nothing anyone can do to bring you back if it happens again. Any sane person would fear for their life right now."

"You never got to know me, kid," she replied, blasé. "If you knew anything, you'd know that I've always had a few screws loose. I don't give a damn about your death threats. They're as weak and bitter as your heart. You've got the nerve to threaten your old friends like this and think you're justified? I know you've turned on my girl before, so she's used to this shit, comin' from you. But get this, Knight-Commander: no matter how much power you have, you ain't gettin' your happy ending. Kill me, and Light'll go to the depths of hell to find me again. I'd do the same for her. Yeul's gone to a place you can't reach. I'm sane enough to know that and hold onto it."

Noel regarded me coldly. "I've seen all of this before," he said. "You and Fang telling me that I've lost, even with the might of my military just an order away from shooting you down… I fought so hard against this vision of the future. Now that it's here, I finally understand that she was right…"

"Right about what?" I asked.

"Yeul said to me—once the time comes, and she perishes, that I will have two options: I can either kill myself or seek understanding. I'm not such a coward as to run away from my duties here. The people need me. I've lived with this sorrow for long enough to accept that… The only choice I have is to seek closure with the two of you. That is why I'm here. I'm not letting you leave Luxerion until I'm satisfied."

Fang scoffed. "Satisfied with _what_?" she wondered. "If you don't understand us by now, you probably never will. You started a war just because your precious Yeul wouldn't wake up and you blamed me for it! Pretty obvious your judgment's fucked up."

"What would _you _have done?" he probed. "If Lightning was ill, and the stars lined up to give you a single answer, wouldn't you pursue it? Wouldn't you destroy anything in your path if it meant saving her?" When Fang couldn't answer him, Noel shook his head. "I thought so. I may not know you that well, Fang, but I know your demon. She was the devil in my ear that helped start this war. Vespair made it clear that you would've done the same if you were in my shoes. Now she's the angel that's helping me end it all." He summoned a few Secutors to his side. "Luxerion will surrender on one condition: allow me to understand the love you two have for one another. Do that, and you won't have to deal with me again."

"Yeah?" said Fang. "And what the hell do you mean exactly? You want me to give Light a strip tease right here in the streets? You want her to make up some love poem on the spot and recite it to me? That won't prove nothin' to someone like you. What are you on about?"

Noel sighed. "Fang…you can't see things from my perspective," he told her. "This entire war hinged on Lightning refusing to hand you over to me. As a result, the Gestalt has fallen into disarray. Your entire government is about to fall apart over one simple fact: that she loves you, and values your safety more than the lives of Cocoon's entire populace. General Cid Raines can only begin to pick up the pieces once I surrender. All I want is to see a glimpse of why Lightning is this protective over you."

"If we show you," I said, "Will you let us go?"

"Yes," replied Noel. "You have my word. To make good on that, once you arrive to your first destination, I'll allow you to call your sister. You can see for yourself that she and Vanille are safely on their way back to Yusnaan, just as I promised earlier."

"And what do you want us to do after that?"

"Nothing unreasonable. I only want to see you act naturally as a couple. I want to learn for myself what it looks like when the Savior shows her devotion to her Pulsian Queen. That isn't too much to ask."

Fang grumbled. "Ain't like we got a choice anyhow," she noted. "Fine. Where are you takin' us first?"

Noel gestured to a tall building down the street. "I'm inviting you to rest and clean yourselves up," he offered. "You'll stay in Luxerion's finest hotel for the day. Later in the evening, I'll have you go to another location. From there, I'll have an eye on you. After that, you can return to your friends."

"Awfully nice of you," said Fang, eyes narrowed in suspicion. "What's the catch?"

"You'll agree to stay away from this city once you leave. I never want to see you again after tonight."

Neither of us had any objections. If we had it our way, we'd leave right then. Delaying that for a few hours was downright generous compared to the alternative of getting gunned down by his Secutors.

Noel had us follow him down the block to the hotel. Secutors shadowed our path; others stood along the sidewalks as makeshift barriers, keeping the growing spectators out of the streets and out of our way. I expected the citizens to revolt as they watched us. They didn't. They stared in mixed awe and shock as I walked with Fang down the street, holding her hand tighter than usual. I felt a strange sense of pride from having all of this attention, as unexpected as everything was. Everyone got to see for themselves that I didn't yield to Noel's demands for this—what Fang and I had together. They stopped demonizing us; stopped dehumanizing us. They finally saw the humanity between us—the one they'd been denying—and maybe they could relate.

I never imagined ending this war just by letting Luxerion see our relationship.

When we arrived to the hotel, Noel and his Secutors escorted us to the topmost floor, high above the streets. The inside looked a lot like the Grand Cathedral. The building was deserted save for a few managers who'd obviously been ordered not to stare. Once we got to our room, the Secutors took our phones away. Noel promised we'd get them back once it was time for our train ride out of here. He ordered me to use the room's phone to call my sister instead. As Fang and I entered the room, two Secutors remained posted at either side of our door. Noel went into the room across from us, slamming the door shut behind him. I closed our door behind us, letting Fang walk in first to the warmth of our suite. She looked around the decorated room, breathing a sigh of relief.

"Talk about anti-climactic," she remarked. "When Noel first showed up, I was sure we were done-for. I was ready to die at your side this time. Him showin' us a good time in the Divine City of Light instead didn't exactly cross my mind. You were awfully quiet most of the time, too. You all right, babe?"

"I am. Your calmness kept me level-headed. Without that, I probably would have drawn my sword and made things worse. Serah was lucky he didn't hurt her for pulling out her weapon."

Fang gestured to the phone next to the bed. "Speakin' of that," she said, "You should call her. Make sure she and Vanille got on the train. It'll be a few hours yet before they get to Yusnaan. They need to know that we ain't dead. Not yet, at least." She sat down along the foot of the bed, picking up the glowing catalyst there. "Well, would you look at this? It's a catalyst for my crystal! I'd better save it for later. Don't want the big bad man to go off on me for smokin' in this Cathedral-room or whatever it is. Feels like a sermon's gonna start in here any minute now."

I was about to make my way over to the phone. The patience in Fang's gaze stopped me in my tracks. She knew what I wanted to do. Fang knew that I longed to have this moment with her: us, alone, uninterrupted for hours. Instead of letting me act on it, she canted her head toward the phone, reminding me that there were other people outside this room who worried about us. I let my eyes linger over her full lips as I called my sister's phone. I spoke to both her and Vanille, their voices loud enough for Fang to hear. They were on the train back to Yusnaan, just as Noel had said. I told them that we'd most likely be back later that night or early the next morning. Serah and Vanille calmed down a little, holding onto my assurances for hope.

Once the conversation was over, I waited for Fang to sit up against the headboard. I crawled over to her. She smoothed her hands across my neck, holding me there. I held my breath to hold onto her touch. The sleeve of her sari, I pushed down over her shoulder, getting a better look at the wound over her chest. Her black top was punctured, the opening covered in dried blood and dissipating chaos. I touched the chaos. The longer I lingered there, the more my hand trembled from the memory of nearly losing her.

"I'd do it again for you if I had to," she said. "If I could save you from that pain, I wouldn't hesitate. Just like before. Bein' pissed off about it seems like an afterthought now…" Fang pulled me closer. Sweet fullness of her lips against mine broke me down. Her heated whispers through my mouth made me sweat and shiver all at once, "Tell me…what did you feel in those moments? I know it hurts to remember. I won't ask you no more after this. I only wanna know what it was like for you."

I held her shoulders, easing her down to the bed. For a while, I hovered over her, staring into her eyes; measuring how much she wanted my confessions. Zeal mixed with such need—I couldn't deny her. "A similar theme kept playing itself out," I began. The vulnerability I felt then was a mirror of what I'd felt before. "_My love is dying…why is the world not ending? Why is it not on fire in reflection of my pain?_" She moaned in mixed pleasure and surprise; again when I kissed her with the same gravity as my words. Fang gripped me harder around my shoulders, my back, fingertips digging into my skin and slipping down my spine. "When I realized that nothing had changed around me—that was when I knew you weren't going to die. That was when I accepted that there was a way to save you…and that I'd do anything to bring you back to me."

As the hours passed, I spoke more without words. Heat of my passions I made sure she felt underneath me, against me—in bed, in the shower, loud enough for anyone outside to hear. I didn't care if Noel listened to us. I wasn't embarrassed. I didn't feel bad for him. If this was what he wanted, then he'd have it. This was part of him understanding that I loved Fang more than anything in this world, enough to show my honor to her in the face of his loss…just as he would have done to me, if given the chance.

.

Later that night, the ashes from Luxerion's dead patron deity had mostly cleared from the skies. Noel and his unit of Secutors led us through the cobblestone streets in a similar fashion as last time. People packed along the sidewalks again, staring at us as we passed by. Fang had on her usual blue sari again. I wore my Equilibrium garb for formalities' sake and to truly be the Savior to our onlookers. I had her arm linked with mine this time as we followed Noel to an upscale restaurant not too far from the hotel.

Luxerion's lake was close by, shimmering beneath the moonlight, bringing a brisk breeze. The gas lamps we passed by warmed us with light. The open avenues and ornate, stone buildings actually looked nicer compared to the last time I was here. I wouldn't have minded spending more time in this city if things with Noel weren't such a mess. I had a feeling Fang would've agreed with me. She leaned her head against mine as we walked together, at peace with me. My heart swelled with pride again. Every now and then, Noel turned his head to glance at us. He saw the way I felt; how Fang felt. Each time he did, his scowl lessened a little more, a little more. Once we got to the restaurant, it was packed, much like that time I went out to that one with Fang, Snow and Vanille. I'd mostly gotten over those memories. They couldn't get in the way of my time here. The Secutors ordered everyone to abandon their tables and leave the building for the Knight-Commander. Everyone got up and left without protest. There was only one _person _out of the whole bunch who seemed to have a problem with it.

He was a tall and imposing man in blood red armor. His four arms were built enough to wield any type of weapon of his choosing. He glared at me as he passed by with his posse of shinobi. Then he noticed my _Masamune _over my back. His crimson eyes widened.

"You…!" he said in wonder. "That weapon…it is the one that slayed the Order's God! I demand to see it this instant!" I stared at him, uncertain if he was serious or not. He huffed at me. "Did you not hear me? I said I wish to have a better look at your sword, Savior! Or are you not the woman who killed the Almighty Bhunivelze? Where is your glowing pride from having bested God Himself?!"

One of his advisors stepped forward. "Your Majesty, please!" he cried. "This is not the time!"

"King Gilgamesh, we must away!" said another.

Gilgamesh scoffed. "Knight-Commander, a word!" he bellowed. Noel turned to face him, looking bored. "You invited me to your good city to appeal to my interests in weaponry, did you not? Are you not authorized to make the Savior show me her legendary _Masamune_? I am impatient!"

"Your Majesty must excuse me," said Noel, bowing. "The Savior is here on behalf of Cocoon as a last-minute diplomat. I allowed her to wield her weapon tonight for her own peace of mind. I cannot let her draw her blade—not even to give you permission to examine it. The citizens will panic, you see. You and I can continue this conversation later." Gilgamesh huffed again and stormed off with his shinobi in tow. I watched them go, feeling a strange sense of déjà vu. "Don't mind him. That was King Gilgamesh of Lorica, the so-called uncharted territory to the north. Lorica is a land of skilled weapon-smiths and warriors. It's no wonder he's so interested in your sword."

I had a feeling that I'd run into that Gilgamesh character again someday. For the time being, I put the encounter in the back of my mind, heading into the near-empty restaurant. One of the few waiters who stuck around guided Fang and I to a table for two in the middle of the building. Noel and his unit sat at a table closer to the entrance, facing us to watch. I pulled out Fang's chair myself for her to sit down. When I took my seat across from her, she smiled at me, radiant as the lit candles not too far away.

"This is better than last time," she said. Fang hummed in approval when the pianist continued playing his romantic, bittersweet tune. "We ain't gotta worry about some creep messin' with our food. _And _we're on an unexpected date with a bunch of voyeurs in tin cans. I'd say this is a night to remember. Wouldn't you?"

I reached across the table and held her soft hand, saying, "Any time I spend with you is unforgettable."

Fang grinned. "It's sweet when you charm me like this," she replied. "You always know how to say the right things to me. It relaxes me…" She pressed her other hand over mine, squeezing on occasion. "I wanna say that we can relax for a while now. Somehow it don't feel right to point it out. Like there's somethin' else worse goin' on in the background…and I just don't wanna give it the time of day just yet."

"You don't have to," I told her. "Not yet—like you said. I think, for now, we can take a breather for a while. Once we leave this city, the war will officially be over. The Gestalt can rebuilt itself. You and I can go home together and not have to worry about anything."

"I wanna believe that," she whispered. Fang stared at my watch. "If it were as easy as ignorin' Noel over there and bein' off in our own world, I could do it. I was all smiles with Vanille and Serah earlier so they wouldn't catch on. But I'm tellin' you now, Light—I'm…kinda scared about the future. I know I'll have you by my side. It's everything other than that. Everything out of my control that's botherin' me…"

"What can I do to help?" I asked. "If it's part of me making things right, then you know I'll do it in a heartbeat. Just say the words and it will be done."

Fang smiled a little. "I know, sweet pea," she said. "It helps me to hear you say that."

We were quiet for a while as we ate dinner. From time to time, I glanced out the windows near the restaurant's dancefloor—out to the gleaming night, feeling grateful that I had this time with her. I watched Fang's worries spread across her expression. They disappeared for moments at a time whenever she sipped her red wine. Then they came right back as if they'd never left. Instead of holding her hand, I slipped mine down to her lean thigh, stroking her silk and her skin. She shifted in surprise, sighing as she stared into my eyes. I held her regard with the soft strength of my convictions.

"I started and ended a war to keep you with me, Fang… I'd tear the sky down if it would save _you_. If anything happens, I won't let you down again. You are my priority. I'll make sure you feel that every minute of every hour of every day from now on. You have my fealty."

"Is that so?" asked Fang, teasing. "If somethin' goes down again, you ain't gonna let some government orders keep me outta the know?"

"You'll be the first to know—orders or not," I promised. "I've learned my lesson about keeping things from you. Even if I could justify the secret, it's not worth risking your anger, or possibly blindsiding you. I know you also felt like I couldn't trust you. I can never apologize enough for what happened. All I can do is make up for it." I stood up and held my hand out to her. "Will you dance with me?"

Fang let me lead her closer to the pianist playing. I held her close to me around her waist; she wrapped her arm about my shoulders, kneading gently at the nape of my neck. Our free hands stayed interlaced at our sides. She swayed slowly with me much like during the ball. This felt so different. There were no secrets between us this time. I was fully open to her again—without the ball and chain of lies that I'd had last time. Here Fang branded her worries over me, sharing them, bearing them for me to carry with her. I knew that if _she _was worried about the unknowns ahead of us, then there had to be something truly unimaginable that awaited us. I didn't want her to focus on that for now. Steadily, she set those weights aside with me, staying in this moment. I lost myself in the smoothness of her hair, the clean smell of it from our shower earlier; the soft sinew of her arm along my shoulder, angled just _so _for Fang to let me support her as we dance. I'd forgotten all about Noel's eyes on us. My only reminders of his presence were the quiet sounds of his crying as he watched us. He'd lost the love of his life to fate. I was prepared to defeat any destiny in my way if it meant keeping Fang with me.

"Light, when we get back to Yusnaan…if you really wanna make things right, then I want you to do it. You should know what I want. I'll love you so much more if I don't have to say the words. Just this once."


End file.
